Opening conversation feedback (even trolls are welcome)

[Deleted User]powerbard (deleted user)
in General

So recently I was contacted by a pro in my area after I visited their profile. They offered a nice little first time discount perk in their contact offer. My response was as about to follow, but the question/confusion I would like feedback on here is, the response to it was asking me if I knew this site was for platonic cuddles only and no further response or contact from the pro. I am just looking for where I gave that impression or could have worded or handled the conversation differently or more clearly.

<> I appreciate the contact and the offer. I am interested in getting to become familiar with someone in cases of emergency need, but I admit I am not very familiar with the trade as a whole. I am exploring safe options that keep me in the bounds of my promises to my wife, but that alleviate the void inside of whatever it is. I guess step one is always just a getting to know you step, since safety and comfort are paramount keystones on both sides. Uhmm.. that being said, I am always unsure how to progress. It’s usually easier for me to be the follower since I have absolutely zero flag concerns. We can continue contact at whatever pace or medium that you wish and you may alter it at anytime you choose. I have no immediate questions, so please forgive me for that, but I would happily entertain any you may have.

Comments

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited June 2018

    It's possible she was feeling you out make sure you are aware , since you said you are still figuring out the site , and how this all factors in with your marriage, not crossing boundaries, etc. I will say however that she is the one who made contact talking about offering cuddle deals if I'm reading correctly. To me , this would seem a conversation to not be had unless you contact her for services , and also seems she could have felt out your intentions prior to offering you cuddle specials . And to add, it is going to always be important that both parties get to know each other a little simply for comfort and safety. It is always possible that she was making sure she understood that when you say getting to know each other, and having her as a backup , etc that you have a clear understanding that she wasn't reaching out as anything other than a platonic cuddler.

  • [Deleted User]lilredmage (deleted user)

    I think you should have just said "No, thank you."

  • [Deleted User]powerbard (deleted user)

    @pmvines (msg’d you about that) Yeah, she initiated the contact with a bait hook discount offer. It was kind of a nice way to handle it, in my opinion and I appreciated it. I found it a little disparaging to have gotten snubbed in red flag fashion by a pro who started the conversation though. The main concern I had for it all was that I know even pros like to get to know you and feel you out, so I would rather have passed those hoops ahead of time rather than when I was drowning inside and really needed to pull the cord and cry for help, only to then have been met with a series of getting to know you type things. That would probably stab at me more, when I really needed them to be there for me.

    @lilredmage Nah, I mean... when things get really hard and I need to decompress my brain, a pro would make more sense. I was open to the idea, but have never done that before and have no clue how it all works. I had no reason to say no and honestly, she seemed like she might actually be a real theraputic pro, based on profile and others comments, rather than a “pay me because I’m giving my time” type.

    I am left feeling a bit like she will be that “one that got away” story that I tell my brain when I am stuck inside myself and have nowhere to turn. Lol /sigh

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited June 2018

    I had a similar thing happen to me. A pro messaged me solely on the basis that I visited her profile. It was a one liner message saying she noticed I had visited her profile and did I want to book a cuddle session. When I responded asking for more information, I never heard from her again. In your case, I think the pro may have been scared off by your mention of a wife.

  • Mike403Mike403

    I visit profiles all the time...especially if they posted in the forums. It doesn't always mean I'm interested. I love meeting new people, but I may be more reluctant to respond to pros because I feel like they may just be trying to sell their service. Their intention is questionable when money is involved.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    @Mike403 I can appreciate your perspective. It's difficult, as some of us are definitely trying to earn a living, pay our bills, and build our business, but at the same time, the good pros are completely genuine in their intention and hope to help and make a difference. I guess it's similar in that the best psychologists genuinely love the work and love helping people, but they still have to charge money. It's pretty hard to find a psychologist willing to just be your friend and help you for free, though it is possible. Same with cuddling. For people who genuinely need help or simply want to get to cuddling faster, it's just a lot easier and faster to find someone who is ready and waiting to schedule a session (and for those dealing with past trauma or other issues more than just a desire to cuddle, it's actually safer to find an awesome pro than just some random person who likes cuddling). But yeah, it's a complicated subject matter and can be emotionally confusing to navigate in the early stages of this industry :-/

  • quietman775quietman775
    edited June 2018

    @powerbard Let's see if I'm understanding this correctly. She wrote to offer you a special price of some sort. You responded with the text you quoted. She then asked you if you understood that this is platonic. And she said nothing else.

    Online communications are always a challenge. There's no way to be sure how a stranger on the Internet will take a given statement. Since they can't see your facial expressions and body language, and they can't hear your tone of voice, they are often left to guess about how you meant something. I think she might have gotten lost in or spooked by all the talk of "emergency need," "safe options that keep me within the bounds of my promises to my wife," unsure how to progress," and "zero [red] flag concerns." People will pick up on anything you say that sounds atypical or out of the ordinary. I think some of those turns of phrase were just vague enough to make her wonder if you were hinting at something beyond cuddles.

    Given that, I believe it's best to keep written communications as simple as possible. For example:

    Her: "I have a special for new clients."
    You: "Great! I'm interested."

    By taking that approach, you don't say anything that makes her wonder_ what you mean_. She may still come back with "You know this is platonic, right?" She may just put that exact question to everyone she corresponds with, as a matter of procedure. And your best response is "Yes, of course." Or, "Yes --- just like it says in the last line of my profile. ;-)"

    If you have questions, make them as specific as possible. Rather than saying that you are "unsure of how to progress," you might ask "Is it time to talk about scheduling? Or do you have more questions for me before we get to that?" Again, because people can't see you to evaluate your intent in person, they will always try to read between the lines of what you write. Don't give any fodder to people's imaginations. Make sure what you write is so straightforward that it cannot reasonably be misunderstood.

  • [Deleted User]powerbard (deleted user)
    edited June 2018

    @UKguy I suppose it could have been the wife thing, but then wouldn’t I be the one asking if she knew this site was for platonic cuddling? Bwahahah! That does suck when they just go code silent unexpectedly though.

    @mike403 I would find it a double standard. I would love a cuddle buddy who was just able to cuddle through the month at times without there having to be any issues or drama involved. For the safety of my marriage and not causing my wife to feel she is letting me down or is a failure in some fashion, there is a risk involved with a non-pro connection. One that requires energy and thought to be vigilant but still receive the comfort or affirmation I am seeking. A pro would allow openness and comfort with a soft line of safety and disconnect for my home life. Plus they have more of a scheduled block that would keep me in line so I didn’t sink into accidentally spending too much time in a quiet zone and becoming more dependent on that connection than my relationship. The risk there is that financially it’s harder to afford the time I need and has the risk that my wife would not only feel like she was failing me, but also that I was paying for it! (She was attacked by a coworker and assaulted pretty bad, so touch and closeness are near impossible without extreme emotional/mental anguish and trauma. It makes me one of the bad guys, even though she loves me.)

    @ubergigglefritz Thanks for the message, it is helpful to have a professional ear and eye. The pro vs no pro has alot of room for debates in any forum. Just was making sure I hadn’t somehow put code for “I want all your nono spots” in my reply somewhere! Hehehe. Thanks for your feedback.

    @quietman775 Yeah, basically the whole of it. You are probably right, but in written forums I seem almost impossibly incapable of writing less or being more, flat tone matter of fact. I have tried, a few times and will continue to attempt working on that, but for some reason a short and blunt blurb leaves me questioning myself instead and I always rewrite it how my brain thinks! Hahah, the curse of being an English major I suppose. Thank you for pointing it out, although defensively, stating that I was seeking options that were safe and in the bounds of my promises to my wife doesn’t really seem to imply anything other than a blaring, “I need this to be platonic” message to me. I’ll go over it all fresh again with your perspective and learn a little more and maybe even be able to tailor my thoughts down to more cut and dry. Thank you :)

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    @quietman775 - I have to second what you say about online communications (There's no way to be sure how a stranger on the Internet will take a given statement. Since they can't see your facial expressions and body language, and they can't hear your tone of voice, they are often left to guess about how you meant something). I have had many instances of something quite innocuous being misinterpreted in completely the wrong way. I much prefer communicating by phone but even that is a poor substitute for face-to-face communication.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)
    edited June 2018

    @powerbard
    Perhaps... I might throw-out-there, some possible interpretation, that appear to me (hoping it doesn't speak to MY nature. grin)

    --> I appreciate the contact and the offer. I am interested in getting to become familiar with
    --> someone in cases of emergency need, but I admit I am not very
    --> familiar with the trade as a whole.

    • emergency need = need a quickie (Even a Pro Cuddler might need to think for a bit about the concept of an emergency cuddle. (which I understand))

    • "the trade" = some other activity that is commonly referred-to as "the trade".

    --> I am exploring safe options that keep me in the bounds of my promises to my wife,
    * It may be a "US" thing or just a "me" thing, but "safe options" sounds like the common phrase, "safe sex"
    * I think it's great and clear that you've put a lot of thought into this. You are very ... [cautious] in your approach. More than maybe-most-people might have spent the time considering. That extreme caution may have been misinterpreted.
    * As someone else indicated, mentioning your wife in this manner clearly says that your wife and marriage is a factor in how you approach this. If you are convinced and acting in good faith that these activities will stay platonic, then you might not have felt the need to mention it. But then again, you are trying to protect a cherished thing.

    -->but that alleviate the void inside of whatever it is.
    * yeah, I get that one, real clear. grin

    --> I guess step one is always just a getting to know you step, since safety and comfort are paramount keystones on both sides. Uhmm.. that being said, I am always unsure how to progress. It’s usually easier for me to be the follower since I have absolutely zero flag concerns. We can continue contact at whatever pace or medium that you wish and you may alter it at anytime you choose. I have no immediate questions, so please forgive me for that, but I would happily entertain any you may have.
    * I am this nervous myself, when it comes to meeting a cuddler.

    All in all, TO ME, you sound a little wound-up. But to me it's out of a preponderance of caution. You've got to respect that. In the end, I think you'll never know for sure why. Could just be a bad day for that person.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    Just goes to show that everyone will interpret things differently...

    Emergency need is a little confusing, and "the trade" is not heard very often. But I read "safe options" as in you didn't want anything to progress to something sexual. You cherish your commitment to your wife and you don't want to cuddle with someone who may have ulterior motives which would put you in an uncomfortable situation. I may be completely wrong, but that was how I read it. I also don't see anything wrong with mentioning your wife. It is important to you that you respect that relationship, and it would be relevant to tell a pro you are considering seeing for cuddling.

  • [Deleted User]powerbard (deleted user)

    I liked that. It is clear and concise with enough opinion in a point by point case to help think. I will edit this and revisit that breakdown when I get home from the grocery store. :) thank you so much @galowglass

    @ubergigglefritz Emergency need, I know that may sound confusing. I really have few ways to explain it though. When someone in a relationship is battling inside of themselves.. is she not holding me because of me? Am I the unwanted factor, why can’t she just stop the demons in her head and love me and curl up with me? There is a point where the void of all that is normal and good and affirming in a relationship begins flipping that switch. Self doubt, sadness, anger. I can’t feel the emotions, not like a “normal” person, but my sense of honor and purpose for why I have dedicated my life to this begins to shake and crack. I imagine it is the point an emotional person begins testing the waters of cheating. As the days go by and the nights continue empty, this begins to become more and more of a threat to both the relationship and to one’s own sense of self. The need for an “emergency cuddle” would be screaming for solace and affirmation and fighting hard against everything inside of your thoughts. That is not the time for a 3 day, I need to get to know you session. It would just accelerate and frustrate everything inside and make the person nuclear miserable. So needing to find someone and be comfortable with them and have familiarity with them would be a foundational key block to establish way before you have an emergency moment that needed diffusing in a safe and proper manner rather than a destructive one. And yeah, that plays in to safe options. It literally would be, in conjunction with mentioning my wife and our relationship, a statement of I would rather turn to you as a platonic friend to cuddle (borderline cheating almost, in my heart because it is comfort from another woman) than to break and say hurtful things to her or cause her stress and more damage by breaking down and trying to talk to her about all the things she isn’t doing (not by choice, but would it really matter when I am shattering inside?) or to even step out on my marriage and cheat or consider ending my oath to her because it just got to hard for me... I’m rambling somewhat, but you can see my word choice was way shorter than the explained version. :p

  • PinkLipstick22PinkLipstick22

    A couple of things, OP:

    1. Your last line in your response mentions that you are happy to answer any questions, and the person you corresponded with did come back with one. This seems like ordinary discourse to me, but perhaps I'm missing something.

    2. Pros are told that we are to ensure clients understand the platonic nature of cuddling. Some (many?) of us are a little clumsy, especially those of us without any marketing training or guidelines. This may be her way of following the requirements and have nothing to do with you personally. I have a form message I send to first-time contacts who don't say a lot in the message in order to establish that we're on the same page.

    3. A great response is "I've read the client agreement and your profile [or swap for whatever is available to read - i.e., 'your message'), and it all sounds great to me!" "I'm looking for some platonic cuddles".

    4. I agree with whoever said above that the "keep me within the bounds of promises to my wife" can come off as someone hoping to skirt the rules or even break them. At the very least it puts all responsibility on the person you're contacting (pro or non-pro) to keep you in line. This is a red flag, and I imagine very few people would be willing to proceed. Can you find a better way to word this? Perhaps try something similar to: "I do have a wife, for full disclosure, and I'm looking for strictly platonic cuddling. I want to be transparent about that."

    5. Speak in plain verbiage when possible. When it seems that someone is taking great pains to be vague or not state outright what they mean, that can be a flag that they're looking for something the site doesn't offer. From your post you weren't looking for that, but there are some lines in your message that appear to be very carefully worded, to me, so perhaps keep that in mind in future conversations.

    At the end of the day, most of us are looking for a platonic connection, and a good majority of us may not be very good at articulating that. I would say try to assume the best in the person you're communicating with until they're clearly violating some rules or your gut is telling you to bail. That said, sometimes in conversation we can learn that we're not a good cuddle match for someone, and that's perfectly reasonable. This may not be a good match, even though there's nothing wrong with the exchange.

    Happy Cuddles!

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    And there in lies a benefit for professional cuddling for people in a marital situation that leaves them unfulfilled. You love her, yet you have needs. Having a safe outlet for those needs can effectively save a marriage.

  • ignisignis

    you welcome trolls, but if the mods feel like it, ... [censored lengthy opinion] ... well,
    I've said too much already.

    anywho, along these topics is the whole understanding that seems to be missing from some of us. being a pro cuddler should be seen as a business. successful businesses advertise.

    if she approached you, most of the time, their rates and most questions you might have are already answered in their profile. just make a decision if they are indeed what you are looking for. If you're confused as to how that goes along, check out the sites faq's where they pay attention to the subject significantly.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    Social things, for some people, have better results when done within a supportive social structure.
    ... Hence, social media.
    ... But yes, there is a ton of info already published, if that's your best learning and most comfortable style of learning.

  • [Deleted User]painlesshugs (deleted user)

    I do see hints where this could come off as a very diffrent conversation most points already mentioned but I know how frustrating it is to put your thoughts down and be misunderstood I hope u find your cuddle needs and my heart goes out to your wife I know that traumatic events can affect both lovers and the needs they have badly.

    That being said my mind is constantly on how do I come off in type too I tend to type thoughts like oops I mean I tend to type my thoughts and actions as the other would read them as if they were meta gaming so as I type they are reading over my ....my shoulder covered with a spaghetti strap tank that pause ... thing tends to drive u guys crazy and makes u interpret me oddly but still I type as I type so BEST of luck to you and may they get to know you next time cause I know we all want to be cuddled not made to feel like creeps... bless u

  • [Deleted User]grumpcat (deleted user)

    You shouldve just explained that you cant leave your bridge.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    @powerbard You should grow a huge beard and change your name to powerbeard.

    We trollinnnnn.
    They hatinnnn.
    Tryna catch us ridin flirtyyyyy.

  • [Deleted User]powerbard (deleted user)

    :D I cannot comply with that suggestion until I own a sloop, 2 tonnes of black powder and suffer a rope incident at the kneecap... however, as soon as I have checked these off the list... there will for sure be a Captain Powerbeard!

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