Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
What did I say after I bought the wrong kind of flower?
Whoops, a daisy.
Why is the letter A like a flower?
Beecause a B comes after it.
What do you call a Roman Emperor with asthma?
Julius Wheezer
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
What kind of meat do priests eat on a Good Friday?
Nun
Did you hear about the car they invented that moves only when the driver is silent?
It goes without saying.
Why aren't dogs allowed in pubs?
They can't handle their licker.
If I was a ghost, my favorite tea would be your BOO-tea
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed??
Ohhhh, sheet!!!!
For your birthday you get to choose your present: either a Hispanic man or a swimming mammal.
But it has to be Juan or the otter.
Reminds me of this one:
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of her other son. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree
What kind of shoes do plumbers love?
Clogs!
What do you do with a sick boat?
Take it to the doc
What is it called when you have grandma on speed dial?
Instagram
What do you call it when you beat someone with instruments?
Violins
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes!
I heard they can make dairy free ice cream now….
Theres no whey
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. 🤪
95% of the time someone said "no pun intended" it was actually intended
Which means 9.5 puns in ten did.
What made Van Gogh such a good friend?
*He was willing to lend an ear.
There's many a lender, I fear, Who brush off requests with a sneer. Except for Van Gogh Who didn't say no When asked if he'd please lend an ear.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
I asked my dog what’s two minus two. You know what he said? Nothing.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
last one...
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
Why is Saturday stronger than Tuesday?
*Because Tuesday is a weak-day
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.