What dysphoria feels like

IronicMaidenIronicMaiden
in General

I have OSDD-1 (known in Europe as Partial DID). This is important only to explain the presence of alters.

Several months ago, I decided to paint my nails. However, there was an alter in the forefront who didn't like it. He objected to it quite strongly. So every time I looked at my hands, all I could see was that they weren't mine. I tried not to look at them, but it just got worse, until I was ready to cut my hands off at the wrists. Or maybe just cut the wrists. Fortunately, all I had to do was remove the nail polish and I was okay, if a bit disappointed.

Imagine that every time you look in the mirror, the face you see is not yours. And the hair is wrong. And the body is wrong. And the name people call you isn't yours, but you have to answer to it anyway. Even the clothes that fit you perfectly are wrong. And you have to act in ways that aren't you to keep people from realizing that there's something wrong with you.

With all that, why didn't I realize sooner? Believe me, I wish I had. But a large part of surviving childhood for me involved establishing all sorts of masks and shields and losing who I was. When I finally started therapy. I started learning how to unmask, and my true self started to emerge. And when enough masks and shields were removed, I finally realized that I'm transgender. I'm pretty happy with what I am now, and could never go back to what I was before.

I know it's not possible to understand something you haven't experienced. I hope this gives people some degree of understanding.

If you're going to respond, please don't be transphobic or bring up politics. Speaking of which, the following people are politely requested to not participate in this thread: TxTom, Sosoon, JohnR1972, Midnight01, BrianOcean, justwanthugs, wilderdude

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Comments

  • Janelle19Janelle19

    I understand completely. As a black woman, I was told no red on lips because it called to much attention. My father taught me in school I had to look and act perfectly because otherwise the teachers wouldn't teach me as deserved. We always have to be our best or get stereotyped. When I look in the mirror I see a nose that. Is too large and no beauty whatsoever. I've always just been called cute. No pretty, not beautiful, not sexy. Just cute like a small child

  • JubalJubal

    Guess I need to Google this term, but thought I would ask what an "alter" is. Have never encountered the term before.

  • Mike102Mike102

    How many alters do you have ?

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    Interesting, I didn’t realize it was permissible to exclude certain people, by name, from a public forum. I had no intention to comment on this thread until I saw my name mentioned.

    You can’t have it both ways - don’t call me out by name and tell me I can’t respond.

  • Mike102Mike102

    @JohnR1972 what did you do to make the list

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @Jubal An alter is a different self. It can be anything from a complete personality to a fragment capable of doing a particular task. Since I don't have amnesia barriers, I can often feel more than one of them present, if not actually fronting (being in control).

    @Mike102 It's difficult to say, and I'd rather not anyway.

    Also, the list is people who I know will make transphobic comments. I'm trying to not make more work for the mods.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @Janelle19 Thank you for sharing that. What we faced was different and yet exactly the same. I hope one day you can see your true beautiful self.

  • zaleazalea

    Than you for this educational post @IronLemon , I learned a lot. happy that you are happier in your body now 💜

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    the list is people who I know will make transphobic comments.

    Well your psychic powers have failed you once again. I wasn’t going to make ANY comment on this thread until I saw my name mentioned.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    Also, while this thread is likely to attract trolls, I request people not engage with them.

  • Mike102Mike102

    Thank you for destigmatizing psychiatric illnesses. I know this is hard to believe, but I was diagnosed with autism. This makes things difficult and awkward at times, but at least I dont have multiple personalities fighting for control over my body.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    I'm also autistic. Could be why I was so good at masking.

    There's not really fighting for control. More like people helpfully offering words of advice or emotions, and sometimes taking a direct hand if necessary. But I can tell you, it can be quite disorienting seeing something through multiple sets of eyes at once.

  • Mike102Mike102

    Why did one of your alts object to the nail polish? Is he transphobic or is it just a style thing

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    No, no transphobic or homophobic alters. He just felt it was very undignified for him (basically, unmasculine). And he's a big believer in being dignified.

    I have on nail polish right now. But he's not fronting so I don't have to worry about him objecting.

  • CaramelNotesCaramelNotes

    @IronLemon Thank you for the labor It took to educate us. I read about the condition and figured out what altars were. Also thank you for your thoughtful boundaries. Sending you so much love and care right now.

    @Janelle19 When I first saw your profile, I thought you were beautiful and gorgeous!!!!! I was like wow! She's so pretty! I'm sorry that Society has not acknowledged your beauty. Please know that there are so many people that see you.

    @zalea that was very kind of you.

  • Cuddlehouse17Cuddlehouse17
    edited November 2024

    In reading some, this sounds like schizophrenic to an extent, such as voices. I see various symptoms listed. But I can't say I understand. Are the systems consistent for you, @IronLemon ?

    I'm a big believer no one gets out of childhood without some scares, but the scare tissue is always hard to work on. Great work speaking this; I'm sure it's not easy, but imagine it's healing. Thanks for opening up.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @Cuddlehouse17 Schizophrenia is very different. I have a friend with schizophrenia. It affects her perception, but she doesn't hear voices. She's incapable of translating a map (e.g. a "you are here" map such as in a zoo) into her physical location. And she can't drive because she might not recognize what a traffic light is.

    The alters are consistent, though not always present. Which is probably good. Things would get really confusing then. But I can usually tell which alters are fronting by how my thought and emotion patterns feel.

  • wanacuddle85wanacuddle85

    Thank you for being so vulnerable and exposing yourself the way you did… I’ve actually watched a few documentaries on DID. It’s definitely not easy to live with. Definitely something that needs more awareness.. sending big virtual 🤗

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    IronLemon on November 6, 2024

    If you're going to respond, please don't be transphobic or bring up politics.

    Not bringing up politics is great advice (and the forum rules). But this advice seems hypocritical when it was completely ignored just hours later in someone else’s thread.

    “#ConfessionThruProjection”

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @IronLemon Thank you very much for sharing the life experiences!

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    Everyone, please stop trying to repair other people.

  • Mike102Mike102

    @JohnR1972 how dare you accuse her of knowing about p@$%tic, when her only crime is of wanting a succulent burger

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    This is still a public forum, right? I have seen in a couple of threads where the OP seems to forget that. In ine instance (not in this thread), the OP objected to a comment made in "my thread." I would disagree with that sentiment. Once you hit "post" it becomes public territory. Of course, we all agree, at least in theory/principle to certain restrictions in what is permissible to post. One is free, I suppose, to request that certain individuals not respond, but again, this missed the whole idea of the forums. If you are concerned with what others might respond, perhaps you should think twice about posting in a public forum.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @jimmylee Or maybe she was just making an effort not to have her topic locked because of the same people picking the same fights.

  • Mike102Mike102

    @jimmylee she does not need to believe in freedom of speech here since it's a private thread. This site is very strict about taking about the P word, and they will even ban you. Be careful about speaking about p@litical things like that

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)
    edited November 2024

    @WriterGF that makes sense, and I can appreciate that. I still contend these are public (within the CC community) and a thread getting locked out is a risk that we run for the sake of open dialogue.

    @Mike102 the threads are private? A private thread that is open to all? Please explain. And please point out where I got "p@litical," unless you were being sarcastic.

  • Mike102Mike102

    @jimmylee you are saying buzzwords for the second amendment, which is a p@litical concept. This site needs to forgo that concept to ensure everyone is respectful

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    @Mike102 I agree that we must preserve respectfulness. We can disagree without being disagreeable.

    Which buzzwords did I use? Free? Lol And I'm pretty sure I did not say anything about "bearing arms."

  • Mike102Mike102

    @jimmylee oops I meant the first amendment. Things like "open dialogue". By excluding some people/opinions from the thread, we can reduce the about of trolls. It's for the greater good

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @jimmylee Considering that a mod has already posted a warning in this thread, I'm really not sure what the point of this argument is. If you want to start a thread to debate whether people should be allowed to exclude others from forum topics, by all means, go ahead - it's an interesting subject and it would be enlightening to hear a mod's take on it.

    As far as I can tell, it was intended as a way to avoid having people who she perceives as being insensitive to the subject matter derail the topic. Essentially a way to cut down on flags and save the mods work. Since it would not be enforced by mods and cannot be enforced by the OP, not sure what the issue is - no one is being prevented from posting anything.

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