Cuddle Gender Disparity

cuudledragoncuudledragon
in General

Hello! Just wanted to talk about something obvious, but I am wondering why most guys on this site will only cuddle with women and not other men. I feel like we need to create an affectionate culture and we can only do that by eliminating the gender disparity. With that being said, if you only cuddle with women, why do you? And of you are a guy, would you consider cuddling with a guy?

Might get a lot of hostility for this but -shurgs-

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    @theCuddleDrgn There are other threads regarding this topic that got a bit testy.
    I have cuddled with men but prefer women and just don't normally seek out men and I am not in favor of any movement to make that happen. Personal preferences should be respected.

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon
    edited December 2024

    @gem7 I respect peoples preferences, but I think something I am trying to highlight is identifying the cause of the disparity. I am interested in minimizing it. Also, I am interested in talking about creating an affectionate/platonic free spirited culture in cuddling, where preferences will be based on method of touch rather than gender. I think that if a gender disparity exists, there needs to be some collective healing. And that would happen by identifying areas of improvement and expansion.

  • KegmanKegman

    I think it is similar to women dance with other women,
    Women go to restrooms with women
    Women do lots of things with women
    But men will not likely do those same things with other men.
    It is a process that men will become more comfortable with over time. Like guys now give a "bro hug".
    In time things evolve, men and women have always been different in women are drawn intellectually to others a man or a woman.
    A man has that barrier from physical closeness to men because naturally the touch can be arousing and they question their sexuality even though any touch by anyone can affect a man.

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    @theCuddleDrgn You say you respect peoples preferences yet you want to pursue collective healing as if healing is necessary. Good luck with that.

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    I wouldn’t call it a disparity it’s a matter of preference. If you like cuddling guys great if you like cuddling women great…no need to overthink something like this

  • [Deleted User]Skweezer (deleted user)

    I find it difficult to feel at ease being vulnerable around men that I don't know. Probably has a lot to do with my father not being affectionate as I got past childhood and having the impression that men were were expected to only be competing or sizing each other up. I imagine I could work my way through that, but I have other baggage that I'm figuring out that's having a greater impact on my life right now.

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    Cue up the music. Here we go again ....

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    Its best this thread ends right here.

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon

    @gem7 whats wrong with collective healing? Why is wanting that or trying to find people who share this desire a bad thing?

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @theCuddleDrgn maybe it's conditioning, ,maybe it's generational, maybe it's biological i don't know the answer but speaking for myself i can't be comfortable in that close proximity with a man. It's somewhat of an aversion. In any instance. Sexuality aside that just something that doesn't fit in my considerations. I don't even enjoy the company of men, aside a very few.

    It kind of ends there for me. I can't explain that and maybe it's not right but it's how I'm wired. For me to be in close space with people is difficult so if I'm wiling to get in a somewhat intimate space with another person I'd have to be comfortable.

    And it applies to anyone I'd think presents as a man. I'm using the word man intentionally because that's what I'm accustomed to thinking. If the concept if gender is introduced in my thought it will revert to man in my mind. So if someone's gender doesn't align with what i see it might change things. But i also believe once i understand the gender it may revert to how i think of a man and woman for my consideration. Because i see people who may identify as male but it's not whit i identify to myself. I wouldn't misgender them on purpose but certain attributes cause me to see something else. The inverse is almost the same, I've seen people who identify as female and i see them that way, most often not as soon as the attributes i see as belonging to a man are noticed. Of course i keep that to myself and don't want to offend but it's just my default. I would always identify within as they wish to be seen, i try.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @sqweezer i believe that as well. I kept cuddling or being close my sun for as long as i could because i wanted to keep that closeness i never had with my father. But there came a point when he chose not to and i didn't force it on him. My baby boy (7) still wants to sleep in the bed with me and he can.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesGrove (deleted user)
    edited December 2024

    I’m fresh out of ten foot poles, so I shouldn’t touch this one…

    Except, the answer to virtually every question about behavior usually works out to being trauma, (individual lifetime achievement award) or instincts, (long term evolutionary trauma) or hormones, (even longer term evolutionary trauma).

    A lot of men’s (in general) physical cues and responses to one another are very simple, but surprisingly formal. Think the chin nod up/chin nod down thing that men acknowledge other men with. I don’t recall being taught that, it’s simply buried in my “coding”.

    Personally, I rarely cuddle other men. I would have to have an INCREDIBLE amount of trust in that man. But that is absolutely because I spent my first 20+ years fighting against other men, and being trained to respond in very specific, damaging and violent ways to having men lay their hands on me.

    So, not only do I feel less than physically safe when around other men, but I also feel that I am an actual danger to other men, unless we have a level of intimacy, trust, and a long standing communication.

    Or, the formalized rituals that men often use. Handshakes, personal distance, slow movements, etc.

    Which is too bad, because being able to exchange affection with someone of (mostly) equal size and strength would be very relaxing.

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon

    @gem7 If you are uncomfortable with this conversation you don’t need to participate or attack me for it. I am interested in finding people who want to examine this preference and heal from it. Again, humans are lonely, and this is an epidemic. If you are upset with me because I want to understand their preference, then idk what to tell you. Theres nothing wrong with understanding each other and ourselves.

    @ReltvlyCanshes i think all the points you brought up are a contribution, i do think that it differs from person to person and I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences and being vulnerable. I am a firm believer that connections builds better cuddles and comfort. I wonder that if we found a way to get people of the same sex aquatinted over time, that maybe the preference would fade. Im just here trying to imagine a different world. In general I think guys can be really mean to each other, and that can be a reason someone can feel uncomfortable being around them. But from personal experience, I have felt uncomfortable cuddling with people that I did not have chemistry with, and I think thats the most important part to having a fulfilling experience more than gender. Just trying to throw in a perspective of my own, not change yours in particular. I can see your perspective, because like I said, i just think traditional masculinity can demonize being vulnerable, and being vulnerable is essential to a good cuddle.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @theCuddleDrgn I'm sure it does vary. I can only speak from my perspective and if other men have some if the same feelings have it would explain a lot. But I've done a lot of reflection and given it thought and it boils down to a simple thing for me.

  • JubalJubal
    edited December 2024

    I am interested in finding people who want to examine this preference and** heal from it.**

    I can't say that cuddling another man fulfills touch needs for me in anything resembling being cuddled by a woman. This goes all the way back to childhood, being hugged and cuddled by female family members - mother, aunt's, grandmother, etc. Being hugged or cuddled by a male family member just didn't provide the same sense of warmth, safety, security, or nurturing, and that preference has stayed with me to this day.

    Note that I don't see anything about this preference that I need to "heal" from. There's nothing wrong with a man wanting to be hugged by a woman as opposed to another man.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

  • WestsideMarcWestsideMarc
    edited December 2024

    I didn’t read alllll of the comments but the answer is obvious. How we’re wired.

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)
    edited December 2024

    @Jubal I read the comment about the need to heal the same way as you did, but to be fair, @theCuddleDrgn could have meant that those who felt they needed to, and desired to, heal would engage in this conversation. I don't think it necessary has to infer that everyone needs to be healed of this "disparity." Just trying to be fair and understand another's perspective. Even those for whom I disagree.

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon

    @Jubal I see what you’re saying, I can see where you’re coming from when explaining your relationship with relatives. I will say that I don't see this trend in other cultures as much. There are cultures where men being affectionate with one another is normalized. Im not saying don’t have your preference, Im just saying this is helping me see that personal experiences seems to be the common thread here in what contributes to preference. Similarly there are lots of women who can’t professionally cuddle because of their experiences with men and their connections with them. Same way you have your preference.

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon

    @WestsideMarc what do you mean?

  • TxTomTxTom

    I think that if a gender disparity exists, there needs to be some collective healing.

    With all due respect, this isn't something that needs "healing".

  • cuudledragoncuudledragon

    @TxTom why do you say that? Just genuinely curious. Also what do you define as healing?

  • GuyverGordonGuyverGordon

    @Katota, I got this one ...
    @JohnR1972 here you go:

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited December 2024

    @theCuddleDrgn this question has come up before and the thread tends to end by being locked. Hence the popcorn references. This is a shame because it is an interesting and important question.

    I don't cuddle men, and although I'm entirely open to the idea in principle I can't imagine it would ever happen. The reason is, absolutely, it is how I'm wired.

    'Wiring' is a good analogy because we referring to something that happens after birth. This 'preference' is a cultural/societal one, not genetic. (Think about the ancienct Greeks, for example.) In my case, and I suspect most others, it was done very young. Reversing it might be possible, but would be an enormous effort for at least a decade and it's just not worth the trouble.

    Somebody once asked me a useful question. If I had to cuddle a man, and could choose the man, would I choose a straight man or a gay man? Although I had considered the wider question, I had not previously considered this detail. After some thought, I said that it would not be a major factor and probably didn't matter at all, but if other things being equal I'd probably choose a gay man.

    I'm not sure that "healing" is an appropriate word in this context. There is no trauma or injury from which to heal. Human societies need rules and conventions in order to function, and "men don't do intimate touch with other men except in particular circumstances" is a perfectly reasonable convention. It's just that 50 years ago it was almost unchallenged, and now we have a different view.

    PS - men cuddling men may be the exception rather than the rule but it is more common than you think, including straight men. It tends to happen under the radar because those who do are concerned about the reaction of those who get a kick out of being aggressive and unsupportive.

  • DavidJHDavidJH

    I think there is a huge biological component, for me personally, I felt very uncomfortable beeing touched by a males in a non-casual way even as young as 6 years old and my father was not in the house because of the Navy and Work so I don't think he taught this to me...

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    All persons should seek healing from trauma of any kind. However, a man not choosing to cuddle another man is not trauma but merely a personal choice that does not require healing.

  • Mike102Mike102

    Wouldn't mind cuddling a guy, but I've had gay/ bi guys be really creepy when massaging me, so I would only be interested in cuddling other straight guys. But it seems like most straight guys only cuddle other women, which is understandable.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    Also i don't think i am missing anything from not cuddling men. There is not an emptiness i believe i have. I can be intimate to a degree with a man, share ideas and thoughts, be emotional, i can hug a man, i can console a man, i can support and aid a man, i can whisper to a man and be whispered to but as was said before would be in particular circumstances with particular people. But the same goes for women, circumstances and certain women, but the door opens up greatly with women. The circumstances in which i would be that close to a man for that long are almost unimaginable for me but im sure there are some, to save a life, to not freeze etc. i am ok with that, i dont think its wrong for men to do that in fact if you like it i encourage it. If you need it i encourage it.

    Is the need for touch so great that id change my mind? Maybe but i cant see it. And again for myself i dont even find the need for touch so great that im willing to do very much to cuddle women. But some people need to heal but i wouldn't know what the need us from, i wouldn't think it's from not hugging other men.

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    "Do you eat oysters?"

    "When I have them, master."

    "Do you eat snails?"

    "No, master."

    "Do you consider the eating of oysters to be moral and the eating of snails to be immoral?"

    "No, master "

    "Of course not. It is all a matter of taste, isn't it?"

    "Yes, master."

    "And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals "

    "It could be argued so, master."

    "My robe, Antoninus. My taste includes both snails and oysters "

  • pmvinespmvines

    Personally for me, it takes a good deal of personal comfort with someone to want to cuddle or anything cude related. Majority of my life women have been among my closest friends and allies. My besties are women so I cuddle women because I want to cuddle my besties. I've cuddled with a few men from the site, just check my karma and you'll see that. However the bar is calibrated to be much more higher for that and admittedly the cuddle style is much different as well.

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