Just wondering, do you guys also apply consent with those not from Cuddle Comfort? (I sure do!)

edited January 2025 in General

I am asking this question because unfortunately, it is quite very common for people to not ask for consent verbally or non verbally before doing some things to a friend or to a date or even to someone they just met, such as hugging or grabbing onto the hair, holding hand, holding arm, side touching arm with arm, leaning elbow on shoulder, or even cheek kissing or lip kissing, especially in a bar (during a party at night) or in a nightclub (discotheque type thing). And while most of the society tends to be strict with men who do those things without asking for consent, unfortunately it tends to not be as strict when a woman does that to a man, and even some people tend to outright excuse it or say it is justified. Some tend to make the fallacious reasoning that just because a woman is not dangerous, that she can touch a man without asking for consent when touching him the first time, if she wants to, but I personally don’t think it is justified and that it is irrelevant and that all people should always ask for consent before touching, especially when touching someone for the first time, which I have been applying since long before consent became a hot topic. What do you guys think and do you apply asking for consent when engaging with people besides Cuddle Comfort, like friends, friends of friends, strangers, date, and people you have just met?

Comments

  • I recently went to a Cuddle Party (TM) event, and it was an eye-opener. From the start, the facilitator, upon greeting me, asked if she could give me a hug, and later gave a tutorial, along with modeling what consent looks like. I must say, many of us take consent for granted, for example, in ways relating to giving hugs to new people we meet (instead of handshakes). I really think it depends on the context of where you are, what you are doing. But truth to be told @PolarMtnHuman95, we probably should ask for consent a lot more than we do.

  • edited January 2025

    I agree!!!! Just last night I was invited to my friends house. They live with their grandmother. Well I've known the grandma for years now. I immediately went up to her and hugged her and omgosh, I think I made her uncomfortable. I will be more mindful in the future to ask for consent no matter if it is a cuddler or not.

  • edited January 2025

    If other people had to ask me for consent for every single ordinary everyday interaction, then there's likely be very little happening. Quite honestly, being asked for consent for routine things kind of makes me cringe, like when I'm at a medical appointment, and the tech asks if it's ok to take my blood pressure or whatever other procedure - good lord, I'm there for the procedure. The fact that I went to the appointment is implied consent in the first place.

    However, I get that's probably not what the OP is driving at. Sometimes I've dealt with folks who will give fair warning, like "I'm a hugger" before bear-hugging me. Others don't say anything and just hug anyways. I'm fine with it either way as long as it's not unwelcome ("unwelcome" would include a total stranger who I'm not interacting with trying to hug, hold my hand, or such - also someone who is being adversarial with me).

  • When it comes to hugs and people I haven't hugged before, I usually just spread my arms to start the hug but don't go in for the hug unless they respond in kind.

  • I work in home hospice and deal with a lot of very heavy emotions and grief throughout the day, and on a daily basis. I will offer a hug if the person seems like they could use one, but only if they seem like they need it. If I'm dealing with a dying or transitioning patient I'll often sit and put my hand on theirs or on their arm while I'm there talking with the family. People have passed while doing this and I consider it to be a sacred honor to be in their homes sharing in these experiences with their loved ones. This is an example of implied consent for touch, as the person is comatose and you are there in a professional capacity to give comfort and support. But if the person is alert and oriented, or if dealing with the family, I always ask first and of course read the room to gauge level of need and appropriateness. Even in a field like mine you can't just assume it's ok to start putting your hands on people.

  • edited January 2025

    There's no reason verbal consent for physical intimacy of any form shouldn't be commonplace. The worst thing is people that don't want to give verbal consent, and instead expect you to read their body language. That's not safe for anyone, and as a neurodivergent person, that pisses me off. If you expect me to walk through a minefield for your entertainment, that's not cool at all. You should want me to ask for verbal consent. The only exception would be if you prefer to communicate nonverbally in a clear and unambiguous way, such as nodding or shaking your head. But other than that, verbal consent should be non-negotiable.

  • Interesting comments from everyone above and I appreciate what each of you say, understanding perspective and needs.

    I’m not really a hugger in real life and I don’t “need” a hug normally. I don’t expect one from anyone.
    But if someone just automatically leans in to give me one, without asking, I’m fine with that also. It’s pretty nice. Basically saying you don’t really need to ask me either way.
    But I don’t hug anyone, I don’t ask to. But I’m very happy to give a hug if someone wants or asks.
    I’m pretty easy-going about it all.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesGrove (deleted user)

    I start with the certain knowledge that no one, ever, wants me to touch them.

    Certainly not to grab, hold, or move them.

    I am also not very interested in touching anyone, or having anyone touch me.

    So, for me, consent MUST be verbal, enthusiastic, and explicitly detailed.

    And EVEN THEN I must have an established relationship and trust with them.

  • As a former tackle hugger, yes, you have to ask for consent every time in all circumstances. If you don't agree, the problem is you.

    You are not owed access to another person's body. Period.

  • I will say that it's very important to remember that just because you're on a cuddle site does not ever imply that everyone on here has the same level of comfort with touch or touch needs, particularly from interwebs strangers. It's important to never assume consent is implied or blanketed. This also speaks to the bigger issue of complaints that people can't find cuddles here. Don't assume everyone is cuckoo for cuddles or that they share your enthusiasm and match your boundaries.

  • @pmvines
    Exactly. I’m one of those people who is on a cuddle site but I don’t need hugs.

  • edited January 2025

    @g_w_t_w
    There are lots who are the same believe it or not. Even those of us like myself, with tons of karma and have spent years on the site. It's more about the connections and friendships. Anything else, including cuddling, is secondary.

  • I definitely think that you should ask to hug/touch someone beforehand. Just showing respect for someone and their unspoken boundaries.

    Many people have things that have happened and are protective of their personal space and respect should be given. If someone is a hugger, they definitely should mention that or be mindful and ask to hug.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesGrove (deleted user)
    edited January 2025

    I’m here for the conversations, to get pen pals, and maybe develop some lasting friendships.

    And, of course, for updates on the pooping trials, trails, and tribulations of @pmvines

  • Man my poops could have their own coffee table book

  • @pmvines I didn't know that about you in your work. That's really beautiful - my heart feels so warm hearing it. I had the honor of being present for my grandmother's transition through death and I found the only way to communicate with her was through loving and soft touch and holding. Of course, that was a relationship where we had previously shared nonverbal communication that way.

    I agree that in some social and relational contexts there is implied consent and we can offer touch for someone else within appropriate limits always knowing that each person has a right to change their mind or decline contact. Comfort with touch and desire for it can constantly flux.

    I appreciate this thread and I'll add my own few cents... which is to say that for me in all my years of consent geekery and being in different spaces - I've had conversations with folks who have varying preferences on this - some want explicit verbal consent for touch and others prefer some level of nonverbal communication about it.

    I think here many folks define consent as essentially permission to touch. What's missing though, is asking ourselves who is this touch primarily for? We can touch for ourselves or for another. Sometimes we share physical contact for us both and the only way to know is to communicate about it in ways that we both have agreed upon through making offers and requests.

    If we define receiving in terms of that, it can sometimes make things a little more clear. I define consent as an agreement that is mutually negotiated in an ongoing way, ideally conversationally, but with nuance if someone isn't able to be as verbal.

    Different people have different levels of access to language and being vulnerable and I've learned that many people are put off by being asked continually for permission to touch in every day settings and relationship because of the social context of implied consent and natural comfortability over time in close relationships. This is where I feel that learning how to assess and be responsive to different neurotypes and body language, facial expressions, etc. can be helpful.

    So that being said, sometimes in relationships outside of cuddle scenarios, I actually initiate a conversation about how someone feels about consent and how might prefer to find it together when it comes to touch if they're someone I want to share touch or close contact with. And I move forward from there.

    If it's someone I just met, I notice their body language and will often ask or try to check in on hugs and other close contact if I notice I want to share that with them. When I know someone can comfortably tell me no, I feel more comfortable with their yes's moving foward.

  • edited January 2025

    Yes, I ask if it ok to touch people before I do, especially if I don't know them very well.

    What Cuddle Comfort has helped me with, especially when I was a pro but now too as an enthusiast, is to be more mindful rather than simply trying to be kind in a nebulous way.

  • When I help my husband out doing photoshoots, I’ll ask the clients if its ok to touch them so that I can reposition them.

  • The first question I ask if I want to hug someone is "Are you a hugger?". However they answer applies to every future interaction.

  • In most of my life I was never a hugger. What I have discovered since joining this community is that consent was what was missing. That really unlocked a lot of ease with hugging and touch for me

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