Social cues - missing them and /or misinterpreting them

NesontpasNesontpas
in General

What do you think about social cues ? I have been reading about and thinking about if
some people ( such as persons with autism, ADHD or people who have no diagnosis of
any condition) might not get/ understand social cues, they might miss social cues.
How can you tell if a person truly is interested or being polite ?

If you approach others, talk to them, speak to them and they reply - it doesn't mean that
they care or are interested .
What about people who only approach you and speak/ talk to you when/ if they have to or need to ?
Or persons who speak/ talk to you when not necessary but they say/ state stupid things and complain about things. They speak to you to amuse themself.
They do not really like you or have any interest.

How about if you are always approaching others and talking to them and it is never the other way ? it is a one sided thing.

If people say stuff such as, "hi", "hello", "how are you ", "are you okay ", "good morning/ evening ", so on - this doesn't mean that they are/ were interested. It could be politeness. They don't care.

Comments

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles
    edited February 2025

    @Nesontpas posted: "If you approach others, talk to them, speak to them and they reply - it doesn't mean that they care or are interested ."

    Are they looking toward the door? Are they jingling their keys? Are they taking steps away from you? Do they keep saying things like, "Well, it was good talking..."

    If so, they're trying to leave but are too polite or socially anxious to cut you off. Respect their social cues and stop bringing up new subjects...let them leave.

    If they are not giving these sorts of cues, you can still test their interest by falling quiet, to see if they bring up topics of their own, showing an interest to continue engaging with you.

    @Nesontpas posted: "What about people who only approach you and speak/ talk to you when/ if they have to or need to ?"

    If they're communicating with you the bare minimum, it's usually safe to say they have no interest in more. This sounds like a co-worker style relationship.

    Communicate with them as-needed, and don't get emotionally involved.

    @Nesontpas posted: "Or persons who speak/ talk to you when not necessary but they say/ state stupid things and complain about things. They speak to you to amuse themself. They do not really like you or have any interest."

    This is a scenario of a bored person who wants someone to vent to, and they don't care who.

    Disengage and find true friends who listen as well as share.

    @Nesontpas posted: "How about if you are always approaching others and talking to them and it is never the other way ? it is a one sided thing."

    Refer to my first note. Look at their cues. Respect their cues. And find people who engage equally back with you.

    You deserve friendship...not to be used, or to feel you're talking to a wall. Keep searching until you find that give and take, with those who truly care.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🫂 Enthusiast 🌄 Travel Junkie 📸 Shutter Bug

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Nesontpas Context matters. In the course of a year I have to attend several networking events, cocktail parties and business dinners which range from being adept at small talk to interactions with a goal to obtain information to hearing and exchanging personal stories because the client i am taking to dinner has been a client for 20 years and it has morphed into something akin to a friendship. Social cues are critical but sometimes the context defines what the interactions mean.

    What the context is and what you want from the interaction dictate how you address the person in front of you and vice versa. I just returned from a conference where a few hundred people ate breakfast, lunch and dinner in a grand ballroom each day followed by a cocktail party at night and maybe dancing or other more ribald fun for others. I float around the room at the meals catching up with some which leads to connections with others at a table, which leads to buying cocktails at night. So the exchanges range from superficial remarks like “Hey Bill you made it hear. Good to see the snow didn’t detain you” to more intimate conversation such as “I am sorry to hear about your wife passing, Tina was always a fun person to be around. How are you coping?” to dropping professional information to attract attention to my side of the equation “Rest assured, our pricing structures are unchanged with or without tariffs.”

    These different goals and contexts are not much different in a personal and social scenario—but you are more free to exhibit your personality unencumbered by occupational constraints.. Physical cues are important—if a shoulder is pointed away from you means the person is anxious or leaving a door of escape open versus both shoulders squared up towards you and fully engaged. Social cues take practice but you also need to understand that their body language could be a reflection that they do not understand cues either. And that is a lot of people you meet. I intentionally go after the people that isolate themselves because sometimes they just need a push to engage. Too many people are in their own heads now days instead of just talking to the heads around them.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesGrove (deleted user)
    edited February 2025

    @Nesontpas

    For some of us it’s easy.

    I am currently 4 for approximately 11 billion in my “People who care/People who have existed while I lived” ratio for my lifetime.

    Expecting anyone, ever, in any circumstance to care about me is clearly foolish.

    Even those folks with dozens (hundreds, thousands, millions) of people who care about them are still not doing amazing in that ratio, you know?

  • NesontpasNesontpas

    Because one thing I think about is, if other people approach others and speak to others, with others, but never do they approach you and chat to/ with you - it could be they don't want to do so ?
    If people don't approach you and speak to you by choice, but they do chat to/ with others, it could be for whatever reason/ reasons they have no interest in you.
    If you make many attempts to chat with others and it is always you approach them and never them approaching you, it could be they do not want to.
    Or what about people who just say stupid things, repetitive things, they seem to have a very restricted amount of vocabulary. Some people do not talk properly.

    Some users online do not chat properly. There are many who block, who troll, who ignore, who seem incapable of chatting properly.

    Some I have met seem to have an obsession with talking/ speaking/ chatting and, apparently, it is "normal" to socialise with others - why is this ??

    Should an individual be insistent about attempting to chat with others who were/ are not interested ?

    Some seem to be obsessed with autism and shyness. From their point of view if a person doesn't talk a lot, make a lot of noise, they just seem to guess/ assume that they must be shy or autistic . So, how does this make sense ?

  • [Deleted User]CharlesGrove (deleted user)

    @Nesontpas

    It’s people.

    Expecting people, in general, to “make sense” is an utter waste of energy.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    Some seem to be obsessed with autism and shyness. From their point of view if a person doesn't talk a lot, make a lot of noise, they just seem to guess/ assume that they must be shy or autistic . So, how does this make sense ?

    Not talking much may be a potential indicator of autism, but it's hardly a definitive symptom. Some autistic people are so hyperverbal they don't even notice when someone else is talking if they have something to say.

    It makes sense that someone who can't get a word in edgewise is less likely to approach other people.

  • CSnMUS87CSnMUS87

    I myself am quite shy with new people. I do sometimes have difficulty with social cues, but not always if I know the person somewhat. I tend to avoid having to speak to people that I don't know (at least in person) because it gives me a little anxiety trying to think of what to say. As a kid/teen I was greatly relieved when ordering food online became a thing so that I didn't have to talk on the phone and feel my brain slow down and not be able to process due to nerves. So I can be quiet unless prompted. However if it's with someone I'm comfortable with and known for a while, then yes I can be hyperverbal and literally be talking to someone for hours, going off tangent after tangent, then backtracking until I get to the original topic.

  • AdragayleAdragayle

    @CSnMUS87 I am very much the same way, super quiet and awkward with people I don't know, hyperverbal with those I'm comfortable with and before ordering food on line became a thing, I would have my kids call to place the order

  • GuyverGordonGuyverGordon

    I am good one on one (I an becoming more aware of this fact)... however if I am a group larger than 3, you might even realize I am there.

    I have always had a large mental filter (at least that how I always viewed it) that would absorb 95% of what i would want to say. But as I am seeing the pattern now, that filter comes up when I am in a group. Not that I can't answer direct questions (usually), but I have a really hard time coming up with anything "meaningful" to say.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @CSnMUS87 posted: "so that I didn't have to talk on the phone"

    @Adragayle posted: "I would have my kids call to place the order"

    Oh man, I'm pretty sure even into my teens, I would tell my mom what I wanted at restaurants, because I couldn't bear to talk to the waitresses and waiters. 🫣

    As a kid, I had major anxiety even going up to the counter at Taco Bell to ask for a spork... 🤭

    And when I was old enough to start making phone calls, I would write down elaborate scripts on sticky notes...the biggest fear of which was that the person would say or ask something I hadn't anticipated and prepared for.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🫂 Enthusiast 🌄 Travel Junkie 📸 Shutter Bug

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