Ask a Friend to Cuddle?

TallmannTallmann
edited July 2018 in General

I tried it. I asked a friend. But she never replied. I texted her through messenger while she’s away for a few weeks. (see attached) She viewed the message two days ago and nothing. The silence is awkward for me. ?????
We are new friends but conversation is easy and comfortable. There might be some extra energy between us. It’s not sexual tension or flirtiness but a little something there. I don’t want anything more than friendship because of our age difference but I wouldn’t feel the same way about cuddling. I don’t regret asking.

Anyone else try to ask a friend? How did you approach that and how did it go?

Comments

  • TallmannTallmann
    edited July 2018

    Any tips or ideas for future asks? ?

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited July 2018

    In my opinion, something like that should be asked in person and definitely not in a text. Does she even know what oxytocin is? I would not ask directly like you did, I'd say something like "I heard there are websites where people connect not for dating but just to find partners for cuddling, what do you think about that?" That way you are feeling out her opinion but not asking directly. And if she responds in a positive way, you could say something like "I wouldn't mind trying it, how about you?".

  • pmvinespmvines

    A bit out of the blue and with no context or frame of reference ii can see where she may simply not know how to respond to you. I don't know what the dynamic is with you two so I cant really speak to what she may consider to be within the norm, but this could have been a bit of a blind side to her and just doesn't know what you are wanting now

  • TangibleTonyTangibleTony
    edited July 2018

    I agree with @pmvines and @UKGuy . I would try to ask in person and make it seem like less of a big deal. Depending on your relationship I may just imply cuddling or just go for it... but like mentioned I don't know the depth of your relationship with her so keep that in mind before trying that one lol.

    I can only speak from my own life experiences, but here goes:

    Asking people things like that over text makes it real easy to avoid answering the question especially when it's an abrupt non-sequitur. Try asking those things in person.

    Try making the proposal sound less serious? I try not to justify things I ask for, so I may have made that kind of text shorter.

    When I ask friends to cuddle, it's always in person, but the answer isn't always "yes". Some people may want more or less from a relationship than platonic cuddling. I just try not to judge myself or be dependent on any outcomes.

    Ask a bunch of people to cuddle!

    Good luck!

    TT

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    in person approach is always the best approach. i think unless they're on this site or another site that is about cuddling, most would find cuddling to be a sporadic activity. some don't plan to cuddle, they just do when they feel like it.

    best time to ask for a cuddle in my opinion is in the middle of a home-movie night.. at least then, it's in person and it's always best to prepare for rejection. cuddling in the couch during a movie definitely seems doable here though.

  • TallmannTallmann

    Thank you everybody for the replies. My take away for my next invite to cuddle a friend is to create some context and ask in person. Will do. I like the idea of first asking what they think of friend cuddling to feel out whether I should proceed.
    Cheers!

  • cease2existcease2exist

    One thing I've done, though I haven't seen a window to invite any friends into spoonage, is as I talk about how I'm dealing with my separation and all, I talk about how I found this website and how it's helping me cope some, having a cuddle partner. My friends an to think the idea sounds pretty neat, whether they've heard of it or not. That's an easy way to try and gauge if it's something they'd remotely be into at all.

  • [Deleted User]yogig77 (deleted user)

    I've spoken to a friend - female - and with me as a male, she was skeptical at first, but we had a really nice time laying together, holding hands, and getting all wrapped up while watching netflix. It was really nice and brought a really great boundaried intimacy to our friendship. She has been the only friend I have asked, and may wait until we have done it for a while before I try anyone else.

  • Bossman27703Bossman27703

    i say just dont do ask ....... Avoid the drama with this

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @stellarosass I actually disagree with that but you make some good points. I feel like online is best. Can they ignore you? Yeah. Will they? Possibly. However, it also gives them time to consider your question with less pressure and gives you time to really plan out your reasons why, etc.

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    Also, I've seen many men comment but not many women so maybe another female perspective will help. To be blunt, being too straightforward can be bad. It's jarring, among other things. Ease into it, man. Try mentioning an article you've read or something that innocently introduces the idea into the conversation. Depending on their reaction, continue/stop. Cuddling is about as innocent as it gets but most women have been taught to be wary of men. Because of this, walls go up. Easing into it can really help avoid this.

    I realize you may have researched things to help your case or, like me, you get awkwardly formal when super nervous - BUT - I'm not sure anyone wants to hear the words, 'research,' and 'oxycotin' when intimacy is involved, regardless of whether it's meant platonically or not. Try softer phrases like, 'looking into ', 'happy/relaxed feeling ', and 'being close to someone.' :)

    Try not to ask too many questions at once and avoid referencing them directly. (Ex. You) This makes them feel under pressure/targeted, etc. Lastly, do not - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - put something like, 'Would you like to (activity) with clothes on,' EVER. I realize you're probs doing this to avoid looking like a perv but you have done the opposite. Tacking 'with clothes on,' to any normal activity makes it a tad creepy. :s "Would you like to ride bikes..with clothes on?" It's as though you're implying clothes are optional.

    Sorry for the long post and I hope I haven't offended you in any way! I just wanted you to have a honest opinion of what could go through a woman's mind while reading your message so you could do better in the future! I'm blunt because I care, really! :'( :3 Next time, maybe run your message by the community first. After all, we're here to help ya out! <3

  • JuliaJulia

    Hi, I thought that "Are you interested .... no pressure." sounded great. I think being really clear about exactly what you're suggesting is fantastic and wouldn't leave her wondering or worrying. (I have read threads where people talk about preferring cuddles with less clothes, some people definitely see most clothes as optional in platonic cuddling.) Of course it's really difficult to judge when so much is down to personal dynamics, you mentioned there being some sort of extra energy that you don't feel is sexual tension but I wonder how she would define that energy, maybe she feels there's mixed messages? I have no idea. Anyway, other than that you sounded a bit formal. I guess it's a scary thing to ask for and could make a friendship awkward. I think I would only ask someone I felt really open and comfortable with and who I trusted to be honest with me. I'd probably prompt the subject from a hello / goodbye hug, something like 'you're so good at hugs. I feel cuddle deprived and it's such a relief to get a good hug. Would you be up for more cuddles sometime?'

  • TallmannTallmann

    Wow, this is great feedback. Yeah, I was too formal and was asking for an intimate experience using distancing language. Did you guess I’m an engineer? Ha! Foiled by science words again!
    @clumsycuddler, no offense taken. You’re right, I sent the message via text to avoid putting her on the spot. Thanks for the thoughts and recommendations.
    @Julia, the hug transition is a good idea, thanks. Funny thing is, she’s not a great hugger, to me. Hindsight...
    She eventually got back to me with a very friendly no. I think our friendship will be spared. ?

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    I'm glad to hear your relationship has been spared! I'm sure you were pretty worried about ruining it - as anyone would be. I was a bit worried about it on your behalf, to be honest. What a relief =) I hope you'll consider using advice from this thread in the future. You can't go wrong then! And, if you do, runnin' it by the community beforehand should sort things out nicely~

  • LoreleiLorelei

    Most of my friends are willing to cuddle, but then I have some very... interesting people as my friends. I tend to attract folks who are open minded and affectionate, if not more than a little odd. x3

  • TallmannTallmann
    edited July 2018

    A plea for advice:
    I have a new cuddle interest. At what point do I bring up the idea of cuddling?
    First, she doesn’t know I’m looking for cuddles. I’ve been single for four months. She knows this much about me and she lives in my neighborhood.
    We’ve hung out once before at a mutual friend’s event and have run into each other in town twice since then.
    Two nights ago she texted me an invite for ice cream, which I gladly accepted. We had a nice time. Some other friends showed up and we all chatted for a long while. I think that was technically a date but could’ve been two buddies getting to know each other. Neither of us attempted to define it.
    I’m not looking for romance. I just got out of a 14-yr relationship and have no interest in starting another. They’re too much work. What I’m looking for is cuddles. She seems pretty independent. I suspect she is not looking to change that.
    We plan to hang out again soon and I’m eager to bring up the topic of cuddles. Partly because I don’t want to lead her on. Is the second hangout/date too soon to ask someone about cuddling?
    I don’t even know if she’s into physical contact. She’s an Aquarius.

  • AngelPendavezAngelPendavez

    I thought your message was really cute. And if it was me I would've said yes! Lol. But since it's not exactly a common place in this culture, I could understand hesitation on her side. I hope it works out! ?

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)
    edited July 2018

    _

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited July 2018

    @Tallman I haven't been in that situation yet, but I did get a positive reaction when I explained platonic cuddling to an online friend in terms of missing touch and how helpful it's been.

    That might be a low pressure way to approach things - not actually asking to cuddle straight away, just bringing up the topic and seeing how she responds.

    People associate cuddles with romance (or more) so I think it can be helpful to let them know there's another way to look at it and educate them a little before actually asking to cuddle.

    Edit: This is what I wrote to my online friend:

    Something about my life: I was divorced in 2009 unfortunately, which was hard. Last year I realised I was missing touch - just hugs and things. I came across a website devoted to "platonic cuddling", which may sound strange! But it can be very therapeutic just to be held be someone; it feels very comforting and accepting. There is also a strong emphasis on keeping things platonic and non-sexual, which is very important to me. It creates a safe environment that way.

    I hope all of that doesn't sound too weird! It's been kind of healing for me actually.

    She replied:

    I get the whole missing touch thing completely. I’m not very good at the whole touchy feely thing at all though, I mean I miss it, but I don’t hug family or close friends or anyone apart from my son. I think I’ve always been too guarded for it because I’m overly cautious with my personal space.

    Nothing is ever too weird around me, promise.

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @Tallman Maybe you should see what she wants out of the relationship first. Like you said, you weren't sure if it was a date or not and that's a pretty important thing to know. Whether she likes you romantically or not doesn't mean she won't want to cuddle with you - but- it's always good to establish things up front.

  • TallmannTallmann

    @EarthlyAngel003 Thanks for this reassuring feedback. It makes me think maybe it’s less about how I ask and more about who I ask.

  • TallmannTallmann

    @respectful I like your approach
    @clumsycuddler I think you’re right. I gotta figure out her intentions. It could be a mistake to initiate platonic cuddles with someone who has romantic intentions. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

  • CUD_maleCUD_male

    I asked a friend to cuddle with me, she did this happened on and off over couple days and she had idea that it was only for us to have relationship with each other rather than friendship

  • TallmannTallmann

    @CUD_male That’s exactly what I’d like to sort out before cuddling.

  • CUD_maleCUD_male

    @Tallmann She felt she was cheating on someone she is dating by cuddling with me, platonically...

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited July 2018

    Like some said, asking in person would be better for future.

    Though also you went from introduction to the idea, and asking at the same time. For future, stay at introduction to new ideas, until they grasp that, and gauge their interest to either continue learning about, or if they change subject right away. Or even react negativity, or maybe debative (which is not necessarily a bad thing). Don't take personally, there could be endless reasons why. Also such a topic outside of relationship, etc, to most is foreign. Therefore, they will need to go through understanding, accepting that it exists, and than figuring out if it's right for them. Best done in person, second best, over the phone. Though like said, slow, and casual.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited July 2018

    Also asking like: "Have you ever cuddled someone platonically?" is a good way to go about as it opens a relaxed discussion, and more understanding.

    Tip: avoid fancy words like that. Unless you are sending her an article about the benefits of cuddling, etc. Simply say, along the lines of: "...some of the benefits of cuddling are that it helps to decrease stress, and improve mood..." Pretty much everyone is familiar with that, and wants an improved mood. ?

  • [Deleted User]StarCaptSilas (deleted user)

    One of my friends cuddled me and gave me head scratches! Granted, I didn't ask--it came up in casual conversation that I liked having my head scratched so she invited me into a cuddle puddle. We've been friends for almost two years and have trust built up between us--she knows I won't pull anything and I know she won't try and pull anything (I'm ace and I've been in awkward situations where people have tried and I hate that crap).

  • LovelightLovelight

    @CuddlyAce

    I can understand the challenge. I am glad you've a friend that you share mutual respect with. :)

  • TallmannTallmann

    Thank you everybody. This is great feedback. Taking it slow will be my greatest challenge. I want my cuddles and I want them NOW! ? seriously though, you cuddlers are my peeps and I really appreciate your thoughts and ideas.
    hugs.

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