Feedback on initial message?

Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds
in General

Hi all! I'm a 28-year-old male enthusiast in the Netherlands, interested in finding friends (of any gender) with cuddling as an important part of the friendship, alongside any other common ground we may be able to share. I believe cuddling just feels amazing, and should be shared freely between consenting friends.

The Netherlands isn't the most active area when it comes to cuddling. There are a few dozen enthusiasts within 100 miles who are open to cuddling with men, a lot of which I've tried to contact once or twice over the years, but I haven't had much luck so far. I've read various posts saying that you'll generally only get replies 5-10% of the time, and that's if your profile description, picture and initial message are all great. I also have one 5-star karma from one of the two cuddling sessions I was able to set up years ago.

When I first joined this site, I used to make the mistake of starting with a simple "Hi, how are you?", thinking that I could gauge if the other person would reply at all, and then having my second message be a thoughtful conversation-starter, once I knew it wouldn't fall on deaf ears. It makes sense in theory, right? But in practice, people won't reply at all if you don't have a good initial message. So I set out to tell people a bit more about myself in my first message, but I still haven't had much luck.

With such a low response rate, it's really hard to tell if something about my profile or initial message is to blame, or if I've simply been unlucky so far. That's why I thought I'd ask for feedback on my 'template'. I tweak it slightly if there's anything on the other person's profile I can use as a more specific conversation-starter, but the basis is this:

Hi, how are you? I'm looking to get to know some people and maybe find a cuddle buddy :)

I've always felt that cuddling is an easy way to make people feel happy, comfortable and loved, which is why I want it to be a natural part of my close friendships. I connect best with people through doing something fun together: other than cuddling, I also like playing board games or video games, watching movies or series, or going out for activities like bowling or karting. Even just enjoying the silence together is nice :) I'm in a closed relationship of over 8 years so far, but my BF is okay with either of us making cuddly friends.

How about you? Are you actively looking for cuddle buddies?

Is there anything in this message (or my profile) that might put people off? I have a few ideas, but no real way to do anything more than guess if there's something I could be doing better. Or have I probably just been unlucky, and should I widen my search if I want to find a cuddle buddy?

Comments

  • lovingspoonfulllovingspoonfull

    Hello, I did not look at your profile, I just read this post.

    I have two points of feedback to convey - the message is long and more appropriate to convey after an initial dialog has started. At that point the other person has something invested and is more willing to pay attention and learn something about you. I would make the initial message shorter.

    The second point is more fundamental. The initial message need to be personal. The message you included reads like an impersonal form letter. It doesn’t seem to have anything invested in the person you’re reaching out to.

    If you’re trying to create a real and productive relationship, make your initial outreach specific to the person you’ve contacted. Read their profile, speak to them about why their profile mattered to you.

    Other than that, if you read through the forums, you’ll find lots of advice on how best to approach people. Take your time and adopt what makes sense to you.

    Good luck!

  • pmvinespmvines

    Good for a profile summary but not sure id send that as an initial message. Too sorry and like @lovingspoonfull said it's impersonal. It's more a PSA than a conversation starter.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Also even though it's a cuddle site I really wouldn't go on about cuddling right off the gate

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps
    edited February 2025

    As a female enthusiast, what works best for me are very long emails where a lot of thought was put into the email as well as reading my profile and commenting on specific aspects that stood out. When someone writes with a long message, I almost always respond. For the short messages without a photo, I block and delete.

    I think your opening email is good, but I would triple the length with meaningful content.

  • Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds

    @lovingspoonfull
    If the message were much shorter than it is now, wouldn't it boil down to basically a 'Hey, how are you?' that isn't long enough to catch anyone's interest? I've read many posts saying that the initial message needs to read as a good conversation starter.

    Most enthusiasts in my area don't really have much, if anything, in their profile, other than stating that they're looking for cuddle buddies and perhaps their favorite movie/series (which usually doesn't really feel substantial enough, all on its own, to bring up). When they do mention something more specific, I try to incorporate it into my message (though I always use the template as a starting point). That makes it difficult to make my messages more personal before they've even started telling me about themselves.

    @pmvines
    What sort of initial message would you suggest in cases where the other person's profile doesn't provide any easy conversation starters? I'd like to be honest and authentic about why I'm reaching out to the other person, and that includes my desire to find a cuddle buddy. What do you think would be a good, honest way to open up instead?

  • Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds

    I also notice one person saying that my message should be even shorter than it is now, and another person saying I should triple the length. Just goes to show that people have preferences.

    Maybe there isn't a be-all end-all initial message that would appeal to everyone, and all any of us can do is try our best. :)

  • lovingspoonfulllovingspoonfull

    I think your conclusion is true; people do want different things. That’s one reason why a blank or sterile profile is problematic. I don’t understand that approach, Why go through all the trouble to join, then stop short of making that effort meaningful or productive by actually filling out a profile?

    But length is the lesser issue. It’s the personalization to them; it’s not about you unless they show interest.

    When there is nothing there on their profile your form letter is all you can do. In an ideal world you just move on to someone who does offer something to respond to.

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps

    @Gentle_Winds - if you want to cuddle men, then follow the advice of the men above. If you want to cuddle women, consider what they are saying in response to your question.

  • lovingspoonfulllovingspoonfull

    @Curvynaps haha, fair enough. 😇

  • Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds
    edited February 2025

    In my opinion, I'd give anyone a chance, even if their profile has little content and even if the conversation starts with just a 'How are you?'. Getting to know each other in more detail is precisely what the messages are for. You don't really know that somebody isn't worth getting to know until you've given them a chance, you know? But I guess that mentality will be different for those who are constantly bombarded with messages and have to pick and choose which ones to spend their time and energy on.

    And yeah, I'm looking for as much feedback as possible, from men as well as women! If I can identify a pattern that applies to more than just one person, that's something actionable. The most important thing is that I want to be sure I'm not coming across in a way that makes people uncomfortable or puts them off, but also that I'm my honest, authentic self in a way that makes people feel like they'd want to get to know me.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @Curvynaps posted: "if you want to cuddle men, then follow the advice of the men above. If you want to cuddle women, consider what they are saying in response to your question."

    snicker Wicked burn! 🤜🏻

    I'm all for everyone having the freedom to give feedback, but I'll make it two for two...

    @Gentle_Winds
    I like your long intro message. I love that you talk about your interests, and you're honest about your relationship. These are always two of my first questions, so you're killing it in my book. 😎

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🫂 Enthusiast 🌄 Travel Junkie 📸 Shutter Bug

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps

    @SunsetSnuggles ;-)
    <3

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited February 2025

    @Curvynaps @SunsetSnuggles
    Touche. But then there are also women who would disagree with you and agree with my opinions on it.

    @Gentle_Winds
    I think that it takes courage to ask for opinions and to be open to taking criticism, so kudos to you. Just keep in mind that even with the best Grammy winning hall of fame opening message you still might not be getting the responses you hope for. Try to not it take it personally. Often reasons for not responding have nothing at all to do with the impression that you're trying to make.

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps

    @pmvines - possibly, looking forward to hearing from those women :)

  • pmvinespmvines

    @Curvynaps
    I will provide you with notes on their feedback from my initial messages to them 😂

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps

    @pmvines - I'm sure they will be appreciated all around!

  • [Deleted User]amcuddles608 (deleted user)
    edited February 2025

    There's no one way to do it. Just be you. Personalizing the message is a great idea rather than a template. If you're trying too hard to be something you're not, or using a cut and paste, the recipient can tell. And if you give a genuine effort and they're not feeling it, they're not your person anyway. Plenty of people in the world to connect with. Keep trying, the real ones are out there.

    Best wishes, friend, you got this 🤜💥🤛

  • ChrissyNoirChrissyNoir
    edited February 2025

    …

  • IneedahugortwoIneedahugortwo

    @Gentle_Winds I actually really like your message. I think you’re very clear You’re are introducing yourself, and your expectations. You’re being vulnerable by sharing personal information, but not over sharing . It’s not boring. It actually gives me an idea of who you are, and it allows me to easily respond and continue the conversation. (I’m a pro, but speaking as an enthusiast)

  • lovingspoonfulllovingspoonfull

    @SunsetSnuggles hey, now, there was no burn, at least I didn’t take it that way. 😎 @Curvynaps made a good point. There’s more than one perspective.

    I will say that feedback I’ve been given aligns with my point about personalization. Several cuddlers have told me they response to messages that show their profile was read, and that ackowledge a common interest.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Simply saying “Yo” as your first message ensures they read the entire message. If they reply with “What happened to the second “yo”?” then you have met your soulmate.

  • CurvynapsCurvynaps

    @TheFunCartel - I am reluctant to admit that many of your comments made me LOL.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @TheFunCartel I responded to someone who sent a message saying "Yo yo." It was an interesting conversation. It had its ups and downs.

    In messages that actually happened, there's a 5-character minimum. I discovered this when I tried to reply to a message saying nothing more than "hello" with "hi".

  • muddlemandmuddlemand

    Personally I'd struggle with that intro, however much I liked your profile, because there's nothing to reply to. It's all description of you - the only question is whether I'm actively seeking, and I'd tend to point out that that's why I'm on CC in the first place... ;) while the part about you is already (I presume, haven't clicked through to check) already there in your profile. Or should be, IMO.

    I get hello messages which ask what I'm hoping for, which gives me the task of writing an essay - puts the onus on the recipient.

    You need open-ended conversation starters, rather than a yes/no question. Things like what their experience of cuddling and/or of CC have been so far, for example. Or grab something they mention in their profile and ask about it - how they got into that hobby, what they like about xyz, etc - especially if you have an interest in common.

    Also definitely say what drew you to make contact with that person in particular. So many first messages feel copypasted, one size fits all, and the feeling that it doesn't matter who I am as long as he (usually he) gets somebody really isn't a compliment.

    Saying nothing about them says you aren't interested in them. You wouldn't do that in person, you'd try and make smalltalk even if just about the weather (you can tell I'm English haha). You wouldn't just say what you like, or think, or want, and then wait for them to do the conversational legwork.

    HTH

  • Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds
    edited February 2025

    @muddlemand A lot of the impersonal feeling really comes back to the fact that most enthusiasts in my area don't have much information in their profile that I can use to personalize my initial message. Which I personally don't mind, but I know other people often think differently. If there's something specific in the profile to ask/talk about, I'd try to add at least a short paragraph about that.

    I want to weed people out only after I've given them a chance to talk, not before. So I wouldn't quickly frame the personal part of my message as 'This is the part of your profile that made me decide to reach out'. If anything, I'd frame it as 'Hey, I see you like (XYZ), I like it too!/I've heard of it and am interested in learning more!'

    But making the question at the end more open-ended is good advice! Maybe something like "What do you generally like in your friends/cuddle buddies?" or "What brought you to this site?", if the person doesn't have anything specific in their profile that I could ask about instead.

    You wouldn't do that in person, you'd try and make smalltalk even if just about the weather (you can tell I'm English haha). You wouldn't just say what you like, or think, or want, and then wait for them to do the conversational legwork.

    This bit of feedback feels a bit strange to me, personally. If anything, only talking about the weather would be asking the other person to do the conversational legwork to get to know you, right? Whereas saying what you like, or think, or want, is actually useful information that helps the other person form a first impression of you, and that's valuable conversational legwork all on its own. Especially if you then go on to ask about the other person's interests/possible common ground. Which I'll definitely try to improve at ;)

    Thank you very much for the detailed feedback!

  • Gentle_WindsGentle_Winds
    edited February 2025

    If I could be so bold as to suggest one thing to anyone who finds themselves in this thread: If you struggle with somebody's opening message for any reason, but you suspect that they might have at least tried their best, maybe it could be worth asking them if they'd want to hear some feedback on how to make a better impression next time?

    Because as you can tell by this thread, it can often be really difficult for people to guess what others are looking for in terms of a good opening message, even when they have the best of intentions and aren't just looking for a warm body. There are many opposing opinions on how my message, for instance, could have been improved, and some people even thought my message was great as it was.

    The art of making a good first impression isn't as obvious and clear-cut as some people seem to think it is, but I believe most people do try their best and really are interested in you. No matter what their first message looks like or what the intentions behind it were, it's possible that you could have been a person who would feel insulted by something they did or didn't say. And they'd really have no way to know, because nobody ever tells them.

    It's a game of conversational skill and writing skill far more than it is a game of having actual good intentions and genuine interest in the other person. And I don't think it should have to be that way.

  • KansasDadKansasDad

    I like that you are honest about your intentions. However, many of us are here only for cuddle partners, not larger friendships with common interests who also happen to cuddle too. That emphasis on a larger friendship might be off-putting to me. As an old man, I receive so few messages in my inbox that I respond to everyone who contacts me, so we would have that conversation, but not everyone would.

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