Jealousy in relationships

MorpheusMorpheus
in General

I really don’t understand jealousy in relationships. Isn’t jealousy a lack of trust? I have been married for 20 years and I completely trust my wife. I had a situation happen recently where a co worker asked me for a favor. She had to give me her number for me to do this favor for her. I sent her a few text messages related to the favor she asked, all professional. Apparently her husband read my text messages and became jealous and my co worker is acting weird with me now. I feel like ok maybe you shouldn’t have asked me to do you a favor and given me your number if you know your husband is the jealous type. I don’t monitor my wife’s text messages or social media profiles. I’m just annoyed because it’s created an awkward situation and as I said, jealousy isn’t a part of my relationship so it’s very difficult to understand. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?

Comments

  • netrunnernetrunner Mod
    edited July 2018

    Jealousy comes from lack of trust, fear, and the controlling type. They can stem from their own insecurities about not knowing the person their significant other is talking with and what (if anything) their intentions are with them, focusing more on trusting their partner but not the person talking with them... or... fear that their significant other is actively seeking out someone they might see as better than they are with the intention of cheating or leaving them for someone else, usually they think/feel their significant other is better than them and simply settled for them but is now looking to 1-up them for someone better. Then the controlling type feel they have little control in their lives so they do all they can to assert that control by coming off as jealous when really it's more of a manipulation still seeded in the trust issues and fear.
    Also, jealously of a significant other can be because they themselves have cheated on their significant other and are now overly jealous if any guy/girl talks with their significant other for fear they will cheat too, even if they never would.

    Just my late night ramblings though as I saw this before getting ready to watch a movie and head to bed :)

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited July 2018

    @Morpheus I think it says something very nice about you that you are unfamiliar with jealousy in relationships. :)

    I guess jealousy thrives on secrecy and imagination, so maybe it would be good to get everything out in the open and talk through exactly what happened (with all three of you present?). Not to defend anything (there is nothing to defend) but just to get the facts straight.

    @reurbo Well put.

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited July 2018

    You can't expect other people to have the same type of relationship that you have. I see lots of profiles that say 'married' or 'in a relationship' and yet the person is looking for strangers to cuddle. Yes, I know there are legitimate reasons why that might happen. But if I did that when I was married, my wife would have filed for divorce immediately.

  • cuddlerforu24cuddlerforu24
    edited July 2018

    @Morpheus , did you once say you did utility line work ? Use of slang terminology for construction tools, equipment, processes, could be interpreted as a sex act/ toy , to the layman.
    Any cute nicknames you use with co workers ? For instance , we have a young bookkeeper in the office , instead of “Maria”, in contact info on the phones , she is called -“La CHica Caliente!” . I know she has texted someone for his hours on the pool job and a guys spouse is wondering who is the “hot chick”
    Perhaps your co worker’s husband saw that she (his wife)got a text from “Stud”

  • [Deleted User]choicesvital (deleted user)

    There is a fine line between jealousy and over possesive nature. Both can hurt in the long run. While on the other side I think if there isnt slight touch of possesivness (and a healthy levels of jealousy) in a relationship there wont be enough fun ;) .. Maybe or Maybe not??

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)
    edited July 2018

    @Morpheus I can be jealous of the time or attention my spouse gives to herself, her interests, her interactions. Basically, I can be jealous of anything or anyone that seems to be keeping my spouse from spending 100% focus on ME. (owning it)

    I see what you are talking about to be the associated threat to what I see as mine. I get threatened by the attention my spouse pays to certain men. But that is based on my mistrust of, my spouse, a little, but more that I am threatened by the intent of the guy I see as a competitor for my wifes attention. (Which, I guess, speaks to my insecuirties.)

    Shrug... just some thoughts.

  • mickcuddlemickcuddle

    I’ve never been good st romantic relationships. I grew up knowing that I was responsible for my own actions, and I have always expected that of a partner. More than once I’ve been accused of being “cold,” because if my partner wants to cancel plans (not a special time) with me to do something with work friends or whatever, I’m okay with that. If something out-of-bounds in terms of our relationship happens, that’s on them, not on me. If there is a feeling of guilt, I didn’t put it there. But a couple of partners have interpreted that as not caring.

  • SimmonSimmon

    @Morpheus I feel you there. This kind of shallow mindset has caused no end of grief in my life, and I'm sorry it has bit you as well.

    The suggestion of sitting down between the two of them to hash it out is reasonable advice, however if the messages were as you described them, it is unlikely to do anything to overcome the level of fear and distrust in their relationship. All you can do is decide not to take it personally. =(

  • rob241rob241

    Yeah you're on the right @Morpheus , Jealousy comes from fear of losing that person, doesn't justify it but it explains it. You have done nothing wrong because you're keeping it professional and platonic. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

    It would have been different if ya'll flirted or something more.

    By the way I didn't know you had a account here, aren't you with Naomi from the Matrix sequels? Sorry about losing Trinity and Neo.

  • AndiCuddlesAndiCuddles

    I definitely think jealousy is a trust issue. And, you know, that's not great. But sometimes people's experiences earlier in life have given them a really hard road in learning to trust (and in choosing the right people to trust).

    So, without knowing more about the individuals... Well, who knows what's going on?

    Anyway, just wanted to say that for some people it's a learned protective mechanism from previous experiences.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    @AndiCuddles nodding

  • pmvinespmvines

    I think a little jealousy is normal. We are complex creatures with a full spectrum of emotions, some more prominent than others. Jealousy has its place, and isn't really a bad thing unless it goes unchecked.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    @pmvines That's right. I have the potential to be "jealous" of a lot of things, but it doesn't result in anger or being controlling. It's natural to feel a sense of longing or sadness when someone else has achieved something you are trying to achieve, or if someone you care about chooses someone or something else over you. It's what you do in response to that feeling that decides whether the jealousy is just a natural emotion or a problem in the relationship.

  • JuliaJulia

    Somebody earlier used the term 'controlling', I think it's good to be aware of the possibility that your co-worker may be in an unhealthy relationship. Isolation is one of the main elements of an abusive relationship, does your co-worker have other strong relationships or a support network that you know of? Anyway, a quick search gave me this - http://www.cambridgepublichealth.org/publications/domestic-violence-workplace-booklet.pdf

    Of course jealousy can be a completely normal part of a relationship, it can be healthily managed, and hopefully that's all your co-worker is dealing with. I only bring this up because abusive relationships are so common (abuse may seem a strong word, maybe look into coercive control - a term that might be more appropriate and doesn't have the typical affronting connotations). The space between healthy jealousy and abusive control is not clear or easy to navigate, there are lots of grey areas, I just think it's better to be open minded and informed.

    Anyway, I'm sorry your having this kind of issue at work, it can make things awkward and leave a bad atmosphere. ~~~~

  • AndiCuddlesAndiCuddles

    I think jealousy in relationships is a little trickier than other types of jealousy. Normal jealousy is a sort-of wistfulness and may even be used to better oneself.

    I think jealousy in relationships, frankly, is usually code for ‘controlling your partner’s behavior and relationships because of insecurities.’

    KWIM?

  • SnugglewithSamSnugglewithSam
    edited July 2018

    Jealousy and insecurity are bred together. It usually has less to do with the situation at hand and more with the person's experience in it. Without any of us having been there (including you @Morpheus ), it sounds like to me that the husband was filling in blanks to the situation that he maybe was conditioned to think (either by his past, his cultural surroundings, etc.) rather than asking about it in a healthy manner and believing that his wife would tell the truth in the face of a nonconfrontational ask.

    Insecurity feeds off of not being open about what you're really thinking and feeling. Jealousy is born off of it.

    This all said, this isn't a bad thing, but it also isn't normal (though it IS common). This is an opportunity for their relationship to get deeper and more honest with each other so that they CAN trust each other more. Oftentimes this won't happen though; not everyone has the language or capacity to move past their insecurities (hence why I think most people should have a therapist or a life coach).

    That is also not your responsibility to take any of this on though. I would just approach your coworker from a professionally compassionate standpoint until she warms up to you.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella
    edited July 2018

    I actually think jealousy is from a lack of security or self confidence from within which in turn, becomes projected as a lack of trust and confidence in their partner. Intense Jealousy can come out as projections of lack of trust bc one doesn’t trust themselves as being good enough or trust themselves as being good partners.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    Throwing in my two cents on the subject of jealousy (since everyone else is), I'm very jealous of my books. I like to know where they are at all times, so I can be sure they're safe. I don't like anyone else to touch them. They're mine. And yet, even so, I will sometimes loan them out to people I trust. They're kind of like extensions of me, really—touching my books means touching me, in a way. And I don't like to be touched without permission.

    I don't understand social relationships all that well, especially not the romantic ones, but don't two people in a romantic relationship sometimes feel like the other person is a part of them? In that case, jealousy might not be so much "I don't trust this part of me" as "I don't want anyone else touching this part of me."

  • AngelPendavezAngelPendavez

    I guess I'd have to agree, that it comes from a place of insecurity, something that the person needs to deal with within themselves.

    My husband went to a wedding once and he sent me a selfie he took of himself with a girl (who I later found out was a cousin to the bride). The first thing I did was say how beautiful her eyes were. I guess he decided to share that with her, and he later told me that she was surprised (and impressed?) that I reacted the way I did. That she would've expected a jealous response to seeing him in a picture with another girl. And I just remember thinking how weird that was, that it's so normalized. I really didn't think anything of it. He was with a girl and I thought she was pretty. lol. I trust my husband whole-heartedly. And I recognize that he's his own person. I don't need to be his entire world (and I don't want to). And it's perfectly fine for him to have his own life that I'm not a part of.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    @EarthlyAngel003 that last part is very important. romantic partners does not make one each others' property or even a part of us. they are a major part of our lives if we want them to be but they're individual people with their own sets of likes and dislikes and hobbies. i'd use an example of a best friend of mine. whenever i see my best friend hanging out with other people, i normally dont feel any type of way... unless i've been down lately or if it has been a while that i hung out with them. so if i notice they're hanging out with other people more so than me, i would have to recognize where the jealousy is coming from.. maybe i haven't done my part to reach out to them or maybe i feel insecure that they're moving on to another person and forgot me, their best friend. either way, it's important to address the issues one has internally with others. i could tell my best friend "hey i'm feeling a bit jealous because I feel a bit neglected." they can clear up that it was not their intention and from then on, it's ON ME to take their word for it and either feel better or maybe address another issue if it doesn't clear any of the feelings away at all. just my take on it.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    @EarthlyAngel003 What a great response that says amazing things about you :-)

    @stellarosass Great points also.

    If I were in a relationship, I could see my automatic response being jealousy if there are any questions, lack of time together, or not enough communication in the area yet. But I would follow that up with reminding myself of what I know about how they feel about me and understanding that they have their own life also (and that's good). I feel like our automatic response is a product of our own mental state, but we can cognitively recognize, know, or understand something, which affects our controlled response to the situation. And then it's always good to be honest and communicate afterwards so as to have the opportunity to strengthen your foundation and trust. Relationships are tough... ;-)

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited July 2018

    Eh, I still feel a little jealousy is a normal phenomenon. Like with any human emotion, there are healthy ways to deal with it and unhealthy ways. I don't believe in shaming the person who is feeling these things, as it comes from some place real to them. Sometimes it is their own personal unresolved insecurities, or placing a sense a ownership on another individual, however sometimes the person is jealous due to things that the other person has done to cause their mistrust, or has been deceptive. Even somebody not prone to jealousy is likely to develop it under the right circumstances. I have even said it before in threads about people in relationships seeking out external cuddle relationships with others. You may have a completely open and trusting partner, but then you start to add meeting strangers off a website to snuggle with, either in your own home, theirs, or a motel, in what often amounts to sleep clothes, and sometimes even paying to do so, then I can see where that is a cocktail for jealousy, particularly when the other person is not aware of if, as is often the case. So I don't believe jealousy is an abnormal emotion, but rather can be, not always of course but can be, an emotional reaction to an unnatural or abnormal situation. Sort of like how the mouth puckers and waters when tasting something really bitter.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    @pmvines you're right about that! a little jealousy isn't a bad thing. just like any other feeling, it's a sign waving up at you saying "hey check in on this!" and sometimes it's just a friendly bit. when i see my bestie hanging out a lot with other people and im not particularly insecure, i joke "im getting a bit jealous at all these other friends getting to see you more often than me" but i got my load of things to do so it just reminds me to take a moment to step back and enjoy some time with friends.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    the only time jealousy gets bad is when it's making someone do out of pocket things like demanding folks not to see other people or not to do certain things. when they get controlling or really aggressive with their emotions.

  • taraslothtarasloth

    jealousy is part of human nature, however we are responsible for our actions when we have a feeling. emotions happen, how we cope with them is what matters. if you trust your partner and are secure in your relationship, it is your responsibility to deal with that emotion and not aim it at your partner. if is something that you are having trouble managing, then that is the conversation you have. you let your partner know that you are feeling jealous and have an open and honest conversation about it, without letting the emotion itself fuel said conversation.

    i had a therapist long ago who said, part of being an adult is learning how to work with your emotions in a healthy way. it stuck with me. i am a married pro cuddler, and i am grateful to have a supportive husband who is just happy i have found something that i enjoy.

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