@Immersedwarmth I’d say you’re not deceiving at all, as you said she doesn’t have the capacity to know. I can’t even imagine the feelings you experience going through that with the love of your life. My heart goes out to you and I hope that cuddling is able to bring you comfort.
To be clear, I’m referring to married men who make comments like “don’t tell my wife” . “This can be are secret”, and things like that. I don’t grill peoples personal lives but if you make it my business… I’m going to do what I feel is right.
@SunshineEmbrace always trust your gut instincts. I know I've avoided what would have been a bad situation otherwise because I listened to that inner voice.
I feel like I put myself on a Hit list commenting on this thread
🤪
@biancalovecraft, which “hit list” is that?
Btw, there’s lots of pro married women (or in committed relationships) on the site (my guess about 50%) and I don’t hear anyone having concerns about cuddling them?
Reading through this thread, I'm kind of surprised that so many people have had experiences where someone expected something to be more than platonic. I've only been on this site for a week or so and just scheduled my first session. It's basically stamped everywhere here that all sessions are completely platonic cuddles. Are people just dense or do they think there's a deeper meaning there?
I'm kind of surprised that so many people have had experiences where someone expected something to be more than platonic
@Gryf Well let’s think about that. Companies have sexual harassment policies in place yet sexual assault still occurs and the people that crafted the policies are sometimes the perpetrators. With that being said, is it a surprise on a site where there is really nothing to lose other than banishment from the site? I am shocked that it doesn’t happen more often.
As long as you pay me and respect my boundaries..it's really none of my business why you are here or what your status is. If someone wants to share,fine. I don't question and I don't judge. Not everything is black and white.
Only if they are lying to their partners.
I've been a therapeutic cuddler for over 10 years. some of my clients are married. most of their spouses know that they see me. some of my married clients have partners who are dying (caregivers need support!), are in prison, or who are overseas in the military. everybody deserves access to safe consensual touch regardless of martial status.
It’s none of my business what someone disclosed to their partner, if they are seeking cuddles I am happy to be a provider. If I was offering a sexual service I think I would feel differently
So it seems a good number of women are concerned about married (straight) men that are seeking cuddles behind their (female) partner's back.
This is problematic.
The reason this is problematic is because if we reversed the genders, your attitude would be totally different. You're not concerned about married women that are seeking cuddles behind their (male) partner's back. If a married woman asked you to not tell her husband, you probably would not judge. Quite the contrary, you would probably sympathize with her. You would probably think she was being abused or something. But reverse the genders back to the original, and you also think the woman in question is being abused. In either case, you always think the man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.
Sunrise_Snuggle - I really appreciate your message b/c it lets me know that you tend to think in an absolutist fashion and mistake it for a complex perspective and that we would prob not be a personality match as a result. Each human is entitled to their hypocrisies when deciding who to share their body and energies with. And the avalanche of men seeking cuddles here dwarves the women who do. And also women are at physical risk from men far more than men are. And so a man who is lying to his partner is a man who is further along the spectrum of disregarding and disrespecting women and their autonomy. Thus a woman is more at emotional and physical risk of harm. BTW the post was about married men.
@Sunrise_Snuggle
Not sure where the what abouts and talk about domestic violence comparisons are coming from. But truth is there are lots more men seeking cuddles from women on here so statistically there are obviously many more who are married and seeking cuddling women outside their marriage, and usually for different reasons, than women. The OP wasn't saying anything about domestic violence so not sure why you bring that up. And the question is posed about cuddling married men, so the answers are tailored to that.
Perhaps you can go start another thread asking about men cuddling married women if that's an important issue for you ?
@Sunrise_Snuggle I was talking with a female enthusiast in my area a few months ago. I asked if she was married and she said she was, and he didn't know about CC, but she would tell him if she met someone she wanted to cuddle with. I politely declined. I have enough problems without some angry husband banging on my door. Considering how many men miss the "platonic" part of this site, why would someone unfamiliar with the site assume it was platonic?
So, no, it's not "married men bad, married women okay," at least not for me.
@WriterGF
Well that's a different situation, on two levels.
You declined for your own personal safety. Not out of some kind of solidarity with this woman's husband. Completely different motives.
The women in question is not hiding it from her husband. She made it very clear that she would communicate any cuddle situation to her husband.
I approach this topic very carefully. I feel like I have experienced different sides to this. I originally joined CC as an enthusiast, I was literally in a broken relationship and it was a complete lifesaver. It's a very interesting point to think about, but not once did anyone ask if I was married/ in a relationship, we were just two people craving cuddles, does it even matter? As a ( single) pro, I mind my own business, people give me fake names and may not want to share their relationship status or anything else personal about their life and I completely respect that. On the flip side, I have had some very interesting meetings with guys in tears, wanting me to hold their hand and listen to all their problems in their marriage and why they reached out to me for a cuddle session, I listen and I don't judge. 😌
I'm referring to comments such as this one:
@SunshineEmbrace says,
"Depends on the man and if I feel they’re deceiving their partner. I fully believe that inflicting harm in people’s lives (intentionally or not) isn’t ok. Turning a blind eye to this is profits over humanity IMO."
Ok. Let me explain why this is problematic. The problem is, you are assuming that the man in question is inflicting harm upon his wife. And that you are turning a blind eye to said harm for profits if you accepted him as a client.
However, this could very easily be the other way around. You don't know his situation. It could be that she is emotionally abusing and/or neglecting him. Perhaps she does not cuddle him, while also denying him cuddles from other sources. Perhaps she would retaliate against him if she discovered that he was receiving cuddles from other sources. It could be that by declining to cuddle him, you are facilitating his wife's abuse of him.
You are denying this person cuddles out of solidarity with his wife, but not making an attempt to understand the man's situation. If everyone shunned men in such a position, this would be very harmful to these men.
I said it once, I'll say it again. You don't know his situation. It could be that he's not currently in a position to get divorced, as it would result in homelessness for him. You think he should have to wait until he's in a position to get divorced before he's entitled to pursue fulfillment of his most basic needed for physical touch?
The belief that men in this position don't deserve cuddles is problematic. I've seen this view espoused time and time again, and it really annoys me.
@pmvines I never said anything about "domestic violence." I used the word "abuse," referring to abuse in the broad sense. This includes emotional abuse. Cheating is considered a form of abuse, but technically it's not domestic violence in and of itself. Same thing with lying. Lying can be abusive behavior. But it can also be a necessary response to being subjected to abuse.
So in conclusion, the belief that a man that needs to keep his cuddle relations a secret from his wife doesn't deserve cuddles, and the assumption that he's emotionally abusing his wife through deception, is problematic. It could very easily be the opposite. It could very easily be that because of her abuse, he has no choice but to resort to deception. But many don't consider that possibility because there is a strong bias in favor of viewing the woman as the victim, even though it could very easily be the opposite.
@SunshineEmbrace
Tell me honestly. If you had a female client that made a point to request that you not report her to her husband, how would you feel about that? Would you still feel the same way? Would you still feel dirty if you accepted her as a client?
I don't inquire about people's relationship status in relation to platonic cuddling. It isn't like there is any real way to verify in most cases anyway.
That said, as an enthusiast I have become extremely selective and a bit wary about who I meet for various reasons, and mostly am only cuddling in private with people I already know, and doing mostly public cuddling and cuddle parties so this whole question doesn't come up much for me.
Well just yesterday, I was at a cuddle party. There was one woman that was very clear that her boyfriend did not cuddle her. Like not at all. He's just not a cuddly person. She was not keeping it a secret from him that she was attending a cuddle party. He was aware. But you know what else she told me? I asked her if her boyfriend was ok with her being there. She said she did not think that he was ok with it, but she also did not care. Why should she care? Given that he absolutely refuses to cuddle her. And you know what? I don't care either. That's not going to stop me from cuddling her.
@Sunrise_Snuggle: I would have and have had the same reaction as you in that situation, and I have found this to be a very common reason why many people go to these gatherings.
In fact, that is pretty much my situation except my spouse doesn't mind my going to cuddle parties at all. I mean, they would rather I just didn't need touch and didn't go, but given that I do, they see parties and platonic cuddling in general as a pretty innocuous compromise.
Guess what. There is no “denial of cuddles”. Cuddles are not a right. They are earned out of the comfort of both partners with the frame of platonic cuddling. So no matter how “deprived” someone feels, no one owes them anything. And the person offering cuddles can have any rules they want including never cuddling someone who wears a hat in their profile picture. It’s troubling to me that this fundamental aspect of consent is overlooked. No one owes anyone anything just bc it’s desired by one person.
Using the word “deny” in this context implies some kind of right to access a female body. Nope, nopers.
Btw a person has every right to not cuddle a married woman. Btw this thread is about married men.
Yeah I agree with @Curvynaps . I think the reasons often given for cuddling behind a partners back is for selfish reasons that they justify and minimize by saying they aren't getting this that or the other. It's selfish to say that your needs matter to the extent of not caring how it might impact others. Or knowing that your partner is hurt or bothered but just simply saying well who cares their feelings don't count. These are also the same reasons people give for trying to justify cheating and other sorts of deception. The fact that I am here for friends not just warm bodies means that I prefer to not cuddle with folks who I wouldn't otherwise consider a friend. And it's hard to be my friend if you are deceptive and lack honesty in your personal relationships.
I never said anything about "domestic violence." I used the word "abuse," referring to abuse in the broad sense. This includes emotional abuse. Cheating is considered a form of abuse, but technically it's not domestic violence in and of itself. Same thing with lying. Lying can be abusive behavior. But it can also be a necessary response to being subjected to abuse.
I took a class on DV and while most people think it is only the physical aspect, the truth is actually any kind of abuse including (but not limited to) verbal, mental and emotional, all of it, is considered to be domestic violence, so @pmvines was correct in calling it out as such. A quick Google search netted this result:
@pmvines - people are in miserable marriages and relationships; I was in one; people can ask for whatever they want. The person answering can determine if it’s a fit for them. I discovered that the cuddlers w the best boundaries are ENM men and women bc they get their needs satisfied elsewhere and so hold the platonic boundaries very well. Like excellently well. I am still open to cuddling single men. But so many are entitled, angry, and have trouble managing their sexuality. I find single men over the age of 39 or 40 do better at that self management.
I am an enthusiast and not a pro so my rules are mine. I don’t want to be a “secret” - so I don’t cuddle married men who have not had their partners consent. The illicit quality reduces the platonicness for me.
@Adragayle
Yup. Abuse goes way beyond physical and quite often there is no actual physical violence but it can still be extremely abusive.
You can choose to decline to cuddle for whatever reason you like. That is your right.
It is not your right to apply your personal ethics and morals to everyone else.
There are always exceptions, unknown stories, justifiable (and unjustifiable) reasons for people's actions.
Opinions are fine, applying to others is not.
You are free to disagree and many will, but do not tell me I am wrong to hold such views. They are merely different to yours.
Fwcuddles. Bingo!!!
@FWCuddles
Absolute, you do you. My opinions are my own and not meant to be judgmental. Everyone has their reasons for what they do. I do have a problem with some aspects of partnered folks going behind their partners backs for things like it's their right to do so it's a bit entitled in my opinion. But I admit that I dont know what goes on in their lives or their reasons.