In a bad marriage and need to be cuddled. Is that a bad thing? A red flag?

[Deleted User]Dre07 (deleted user)
edited August 2018 in General

Hi, I’m very affectionate and starved for attention. I’m stuck in an awful marriage where I haven’t been kissed or truly hugged for almost a year. Im not looking to cheat. I just need some affection. Is that a bad thing? Is the fact that I’m married going to hinder me from finding a partner?

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Comments

  • BrandiBrandi

    :( it always disheartens me to hear people that stick out toxic marriages and describe them as awful. Not that its my place to say, but peraonally I have stayed in relationships after Ive admitted I know it wasnt meant to be. But eventually got that courage to leave. Theres millions of people out there suffering daily for years, for what? Fear of change? You deserve to be happy! Everyone deserves to be happy. You only get one life. Dont wake up everyday thinking "what if"...

    As far as your question specifically" there will always be people who will cuddle you reguardless of your situation, everyone has a story and not everyone is judegmental on that, but it may not be healthiest thing for you to resort to ,because the issue of a unhappy marriage will still be there, reguardless of having temporary cuddles.

    Wishing you the best! And hope you find the happiness youre seeking.

  • [Deleted User]Dre07 (deleted user)

    Thanks! If I could I’d I’d happily get out. Unfortunately, my situation makes that impossible l.

  • calineurcalineur

    It may decrease the chances of finding an “enthusiast” cuddle buddy.
    But many professionals will still be there for you. If all else fails, that is an option you may want to consider.

  • [Deleted User]Dre07 (deleted user)

    Is it worth paying money for it? I’m a newbie so I’m curious.

  • [Deleted User]apvalerius (deleted user)
    edited August 2018


    I personally don't believe it's a bad thing or red flag. But it is the very situation I aim to prevent by refusing to ever marry anyone in the first place. I have read that traditional litigated divorces can cost up to half a million U.S. dollars for the losing party. A former psychologist of mine suggested that if I marry and later wanted a divorce I could opt for a mediated divorce rather than a litigated one. Even that would cost, at minimum, nine thousand U.S. dollars. I plan to be a factory worker for the rest of my life. Factory work pays maybe a dollar or two more on the hour than the current minimum wage. So just where am I gonna get that $9K when my legally wedded wife stops cuddling me and spends all the money I earned to prevent me from hiring a pro? I'm not! Therefore I must never marry in the first place.

    Glenn Campbell states in his book, "The Case Against Marriage: What You're Really Getting. What You've Got to Lose" that marriage, from a legal standpoint, is nothing but the erasure of financial boundaries between two individual human beings. That means there's no such thing as "her debt" or "my money". Money I earned can be legally spent against my will by her. Any debt she was in before the marriage is debt that I will be held legally responsible for. No thank you! Not in this LIFETIME!

  • awaitingawaiting

    Major red flag @Dre07. Your a cheater.

  • [Deleted User]woodman008 (deleted user)

    that is a question only you can ask. Someone has wisely told me that everything in the universe is neutral. it only gains positive or negative status based on the life experiences of the person interpreting it. So, if you ask that question and someone here who is a conservative Christian, their answer might be yes. If you're asking someone who is poly, their answer may be no. I look at it his way. As humans we are made up of lots of buckets. Some buckets are bigger and have more importance than others. Our spouse may fill up most of our buckets and if you have a good relationship, you should be able to find friend, family, therapists, cuddliest, etc that fill the other buckets. The tricky part is regardless of the size of the bucket, you can't fill a bucket if it punches a hole in another one. I have personal experience with this. I am very open about cuddling and why. My spouse understands and accepts it. There is an understanding that I will not be doing anything that will jeopardize our relationship. She is seeing the positive growth, both our perspectives, and is fine with me going. If you're heart is telling you something, listen to it. If someone sees it as bad, that is their issue and you then need to decide if fulfilling your needs and life are going to coexist with your relationship.

  • calineurcalineur

    @Dre07
    For me it has been worth paying for. I have met a number of professionals who I just adore and would see again and again. The experiences have created fond memories that I will forever treasure.

    As far as your questions regarding it being “a bad thing” or “a red flag” there is not really anyone here that can answer those questions for you here because we are all on the same boat just by virtue of having a profile on this site. If you want to discuss ideas beyond what a tactful and discreet individual would publicly write in this forum, you are welcome to send a private message.

  • awaitingawaiting
    edited August 2018

    Sex is not the only form of cheating in my opinion. Cheating can be considered in many forms.

    Please don't use foul language again. I have edited your post accordingly. [Mark]

  • coyotepawscoyotepaws

    Cuddling is cuddling. Sometimes a person just needs affection. It's what we're all here for. It's in our nature to need affection on some level.

    One point to consider Dre. Have you thought about talking to your partner about this issue? Don't set an ultimatum or anything extreme, just say hey I'm unhappy right now and sometimes I just need a hug, cuddle, whatever. Talk it out. Sometimes open communication is the key to getting what you want. Or at least understanding one another. If that doesn't work, by all means find a cuddle buddy. Id mention it to the spouse any way. Just so everyone is on the same page and there's less risk of anyone getting hurt or misinterpreting your intentions. That's my humble opinion anyway. Take it or leave it.

    Side note. Husbands and wives are there to enrich each other's lives and enjoy life together. Don't be afraid to do what makes you happy. Or to leave a situation that makes you unhappy, to find one that does make you happy. I'm sending you positive energy, bud. Best of intentions. I hope things work out for you.

  • AndiCuddlesAndiCuddles
    edited August 2018

    When I first started, as a professional, I found this situation to be troubling.

    However, in the months since then, I’ve come to realize that I have my own boundaries and ethics — and other people have theirs. Thus, I’ve become more sympathetic to this type of situation.

    (Interestingly, I’ve had people tell me that they feel that I’m cheating on my husband because of my work as a professional cuddler, even though he knows, accepts, and supports my work. So, you know, everyone has their own opinion about what is right/wrong in a relationship.)

    @apvelerious While the cost of divorce varies, I used a lawyer to mediate divorce for my first marriage. It took an hour and less than $500. /shrugs

    Apologies for spelling your name wrong; I was on my phone where the names don’t auto fill correctly.

  • [Deleted User]apvalerius (deleted user)

    @AndiCuddles please edit your post to spell my username correctly in case anyone is trying to click my profile.

    As for the cost of divorce, it can vary hugely by U.S. state. In California where I am it's just as outrageous as anything else.

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited August 2018

    @AndiCuddles - the real cost of divorce is not the legal fees, but the cost to your lifestyle afterwards. Assuming you are a couple who both work and are living under one roof, you are sharing the living costs. After divorcing you assume those costs individually. If you jointly own a home, you either have to sell the home or one person has to buy the other out. The costs can be far reaching. Community property laws meant my ex was awarded half of my pension, so I could no longer retire when I planned to. If you have children together, there are all sorts of other complications.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    @Dre07

    • "... affectionate and starved for attention." - You're in good company. You'll get a wide range of opinion on whether this justifies you taking certain actions. In the end, you decide what's best for you, in your situation. It's not for others to judge.
    • "I’m stuck in an awful marriage where I haven’t been kissed or truly hugged for almost a year." - This sucks.
    • "I'm not looking to cheat." - Then don't cheat. (You need to define this for yourself.)
    • "I just need some affection. Is that a bad thing?" - Nope. It means you're a normal human being.
    • "Is the fact that I’m married going to hinder me from finding a partner?"
      --- Are you looking for a "partner" or a cuddler? Finding your answer to that question, first, may help you figure things out.
      --- There's plenty of evidence that being married would not prevent you from finding a cuddler on this site, or a "partner" IRL. I would suggest that you figure out your current situation before making other big decisions.

    Peace

  • BabichevBabichev

    I used to feel pretty harsh about people who went outside of their marriage for sex or affection. I'm saying this as someone who endured a marriage where my husband ceased to be affectionate after we got married. Over time, I came to feel less harsh about it. It started with conversations with women whose husbands were not affectionate. They had a lot going on that they did not want to give up. I started thinking maybe it was harsh to expect someone to give up everything just so they could have some affection.

    I don't have an answer. I think that in the best of all possible worlds, one should always strive for openness and honesty. I also accept that most folks don't live in the best of all possible worlds. People have to figure out for themselves what their conscience will live with and what it won't.

    One problem I've run into is over the years I've met married men who wanted to be my "friend" but it was obvious they wanted more than a friend and it was very uncomfortable on my end. I also ran into a situation once where a guy who was living with a woman wanted to get involved with me. I was reluctant but we were frequently both at a particular venue and so we sat and chatted together a couple of times. Because of his situation, I was pretty tempted to get involved with him and I'm really glad I didn't. Unbeknownst to him, a friend of his girlfriend saw him talking with me one night. We were just talking, not even touching, but she sensed something going on and told his girlfriend. When he got home, the proverbial manure hit the fan. I'm glad we never did anything more than talk and flirt but it made me realize I had no control over such events and I did not want to be party to another person's suffering. I hope they used it as an opportunity to work out their situation.

    I think @galowglass put it very well.

  • AndiCuddlesAndiCuddles

    I wasn’t arguing whether anyone should or should not get divorced. I was not arguing whether divorce is or is not expensive.

    But there were some numbers thrown out there that were just not what I experienced.

    I was providing my perspective — we mutually decided to split everything down the middle. We mutually agreed to share custody. We mutually agree to decide child support on our own without the state interceding, since at the time of our divorce we made almost the exact same amount of money.

    It’s not something you should take for granted, sure.

    But sometimes people can be reasonable.

    At any rate, we’re off topic with regards to the OP’s question.

  • Cuddlebug55Cuddlebug55

    I am a new professional cuddler however I do not see that others can request my services in the Minnesota area. Is my profile still under review?

  • mickcuddlemickcuddle

    You show up as a professional with a request buttton when I look at you profile.

  • [Deleted User]Mitgeek7 (deleted user)

    How good relationships turn into bad relationships, seemingly out of nowhere. Whether that’s with fights that ensue endlessly, or one partner suddenly betrays the other partner – this kind of behavior can make you feel mystified, angry, and stuck. So I want to shed a bit of light on a potential reason behind these changes – if you once had a healthy and mutually rewarding relationship, this might give you a starting place for the work that has to be done. Or at the very least enlighten you as to what happened. My other name for this episode is Family Ties. You’ll know why if you read further. Does any of this sound familiar?

    “I thought I married someone who loved me and they seem like they hate me now.” “This behavior came out of nowhere – one day she told me she didn’t love me anymore.” “I can’t believe this happened – I want to ask her, was it worth it?” These are the kinds of things I hear from clients, especially when it comes to break-ups. It’s a very common experience to suddenly see your partner change in ways you can’t accept or understand. It can make you feel stupid like you should have known better. It can make you feel personally insulted and cast aside – like you have been punished for no reason whatsoever. It can make you feel upside down and lost like you never knew this person at all.

    There’s a reason why this is happening, but it’s likely a very intricate one – with connections you can’t quite see from where you are right now. Before I get started I want to tell you that this is a much-abbreviated explanation, because this is such an intricate and amazing topic.

    On the surface, what most couples fight about it money and sex. It’s the most volatile issue in relationships because of the fact that what most relationship conflicts are about is power and dominance. So if you’re fighting about money or sex, at its core it’s a battle for control in the relationship. Usually, when people get stuck in a power struggle, the form it takes will vary according to the practical variables in your relationship – but underneath that is an internal struggle within both individuals: a fight for their version of intimacy to be realized. In other words, it’s not actually about what it’s about – the fights are like costumes worn on the stage of a much deeper story. I want to talk about what the battle is really about – so you can understand why there’s seemingly no solution.

    Our bonds are formed on the basis that both parties need to maintain intimacy and autonomy, simultaneously. So the bond will continue to be a dance: a balancing act, for both people, between those two states. I need to be myself. This is who I am. I want love. This is how you love me. Intimacy and autonomy are both important to maintain and balance in a relationship. How is something that both people agree to – or struggle to figure out, as they go. It’s unique per each relationship. What most couples fail to realize in their relating to one another, is that each person has a very strong imprint – kinda like the shape and tint of their goggles – through which they perceive their mate, and every act done inside the relationship. It’s not to say that there isn’t common ground or that true communication doesn’t take place. It’s to say that the lenses by which we view these exchanges and the interpretation we have of them is completely unique to us. How we experience the actions of another person takes on meaning based on our particular emotional map. Sometimes, the gap that grows between loving couple comes down to tools we didn’t get and truths we didn’t live. Because of our particular lacks or a monumental imprint in our map, we literally cannot see eye to eye with our perceived partner. This is when intentions are lost, communications stop landing, and the gap becomes wider. In these crevasses, all that we can identify is our vague association of this situation from our familiar experiences. What we are using to interpret is a one-person-language-translator: it’s made up of the definitions we create in our mind– for what love is, how it should be given, who we are, and what we need to be happy. So the question becomes – how do we bridge that gap and how do we identify it when it’s happening?

    Well, as a start, we can trace the patterns to uncover the missing pieces that lead to the misunderstandings. Very specific conflicts play out depending on certain landmarks of your emotional map. I want to offer you some information on some of these landmarks and I invite you to connect the dots further with your partner. Because by examining your patterns, you can find the roots of any missing foundational elements of self. From there you can both retrain yourselves to grow and foster your respective voids. This process is not a negative one – it’s a rebalancing, love-inspiring one – where both people learn to give and receive gifts they were ill-equipped to before.

    Why would that awareness be helpful to you? If you are suffering or stuck and you’re both feeling increasingly unhappy because of unmet needs – the path to a solution BEGINS when you can understand and perceive the correct problem. It’s not about what he or she SHOULD be doing for you or what you SHOULD be doing for them. Most couples don’t see what the fights they’re having are actually about. They can only see their own needs and opinions – projected and overlaid atop of their partner. And so it breeds resent. In other words, you’re fighting the wrong battle – let this be a starting point for you to unravel where the work needs to be done – in BOTH of yourselves.

  • Kai816Kai816

    @galowglass
    A’s usual, a great reply. Kudos!

  • morehugsmorehugs

    @Mitgeek7 - thank you for your amazing post. This posting speaks to me a great deal, because it is where I am at. I've read many articles in my attempt to understand my own circumstances, but you've summed it all up in one posting. Some quotable lines for my own notes are: the fights are like costumes worn on the stage of a much deeper story and underneath that is an internal struggle within both individuals: a fight for their version of intimacy to be realized. It’s not about what he or she SHOULD be doing for you or what you SHOULD be doing for them. The path to a solution BEGINS when you can understand and perceive the correct problem.

    For the last one year, I have done exactly the wrong thing... I thought what I SHOULD be doing would fix everything...

    And, the correct problem... what is it? I know what I am feeling, but I can't describe the problem. Even after one year, I still don't know it. This is going to take a whole lot of unraveling, untangling, even stripping through "layers" of goggles for me. There is a lot of fear in me, too... I started taking myself apart to examine my "foundational elements of self" which I already started, I sunk low more than once, because as a "solution" guy, my nature is to DIY fix it, scrap it, and tear it down - that's tearing myself down... it's extreme and it has shaken me to the core more than once... if that makes sense. I finally realized that such drastic measure isn't the right approach either. I am glad I have supportive parents who helped me picked up the pieces. Still my "one-person-language-translator" contributes to the problem and those landmarks in my emotional map are not going away for better or worse.

    One year has gone by since... I hope I am wiser now, but I am still where I started. However, you are right... I am fighting the wrong battle. So, WIP == work in progress. I still need to identify the correct problem.

    Thank you again for the time to write. Wow. WIP.

  • JacobCarlJacobCarl

    I see that the person's account who made the original post is now deleted but I'll put my two cents in anyways. Funny thing is I would never have known that a cuddle community existed if it wasn't for my wife. She suggested I do this because I am an affectionate guy and she is completely not. Well now we are going through a divorce (for many reasons that don't pertain to cuddling). I'm also a Christian but the one thing I know is we all need touch, it's how we. Some people I know will say it is wrong if you are married and quite honestly we should be able to get those needs met from our spouses but if we don't, well, what do we do? Because we're divorcing I don't feel guilty that I'm about to have my first cuddle session. This may be a poor example but is it wrong to get a massage when you're married? I think there should be boundaries when cuddling while married and your spouse should absolutely know about it. Again, just my two cents. I haven't read all the other replies so they may have some much better points.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)
    edited August 2018

    @JacobCarl

    My wife and I both regularly see the same CMT. No conflict or issue.

    I'm Christian. I would mention CMT in those circles, because I personally have no conflict and I can defend my position. I don't mention cuddling because that is very-often-seen as an intimate activity that happens between two people in a committed relationship. I am just as sure of my position on that (that cuddling can easily be platonic), but I don't enjoy the judgement, so I keep it to myself. There are other "forms" of massage that clearly, to me, violate the trust of a relationship.

    You need touch. You have your situation. You need to process that.

    Decide your path and don't even entertain thoughts of crossing those lines you choose. Even if opportunity knocks. Just say, "No". Being able to exercise self control, but also being able & willing to go after what you want/need, is admirable, and is part of respecting yourself. For me, it is important to have my boundries set by my own expectations rather than those of other people.

    Hope this helps. No judgement implied, just what goes through my mind.

    Peace

    [edited for typo]

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    Cheating varies from person to person. Some folks wouldn't consider certain things to be cheating. Funny story for example, I knew a couple who had a partner cheat on the other... the other partner was so hurt and was so upset until he found out that their partner just kissed another man... he was like "oh... kissing? i was thinking you full on slept with him!"

    always look into what you and your partner can agree on that is cheating, what your partner says might be different from you but work with that. mention your needs and see if they can work with that or allow you to search for it elsewhere.

  • [Deleted User]MichaelFJudd (deleted user)

    I think it's entirely okay, but I think you should be upfront with your wife about this issue. If you think she would be understanding, maybe you should tell her about this service? I'm not one to normally support polyamory, but I've heard about situations where two partners have mismatched sex drives, so the higher-drive partner gets "permission" to fool around with other people, and it improves the relationship.

    I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with your wife, but you should bring this up to her. In any case, though, don't do it behind her back.

  • [Deleted User]snughugs (deleted user)

    It's a shame the user deleted, this could have been a good outlet for them to get the support they needed to leave the bad marriage.

    Anyway, I don't think that platonic cuddling is cheating. However it can be a relationship-breaker if your partner hasn't agreed to it because it's still being very close to somebody who isn't them.

    Personally I have 'in a relationship' on my profile but I'm not actually in a defined relationship at the moment. Rather, there's somebody I'm involved with and I don't feel comfortable giving off the vibe that I'm free and unattached. I am however technically single, so that makes this a very grey area for me.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @apvalerius " A former psychologist of mine suggested that if I marry and later wanted a divorce I could opt for a mediated divorce rather than a litigated one. Even that would cost, at minimum, nine thousand U.S. dollars."

    Whoever told you that was wrong. I was married for 15 years. My former husband and I worked comparable jobs. We split our assets 50/50. We owned a 4 family apartment building that we had 10 years equity in. We had it appraised, agreed on what would be a reasonable sum for my half, and he bought me out of my half and continued living in it. I moved out, left most of the furniture with him, he let me keep the newer of the two cars. We both had some money in some annuities but there was not a significant difference between what we had in them so they went with us. My lawyer's fee cost $500, which I paid myself. My former husband didn't even bother getting a lawyer, even though I encouraged him to have a lawyer read over the settlement just to make sure there wasn't any problems, but he declined. So, our divorce cost $500. There were no children involved.

    If you have two people who are reasonable and the separation is amicable, it doesn't have to cost $9,000 or more. Unfortunately, that's rare. Divorce can make people crazy.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @Mitgeek7 - thanks for such a thoughtful post.

    I think it's rare that relationships change without warning. Often, in retrospect, there were warning signs but we ignore them or we may not have enough life experience to recognize them. More often, I find that people aren't really honest with each other, can't be open with each other about their wants and needs, don't talk about them, won't talk about them, or refuse to help their partner get their needs met. It can be difficult in relationship to be really honest about what we want and need even when we want to be open about it. First, it means you really know what you want and need. But besides that, it takes courage to make yourself that vulnerable and it takes effort.

    I once met a man who wanted to get involved with me. He was in a sexless marriage. I asked him if he talked with his wife about it and he said he didn't. I asked him why not and he said it had never occurred to him. WTF? That's hard for me to understand.

    @morehugs "And, the correct problem... what is it? I know what I am feeling, but I can't describe the problem. Even after one year, I still don't know it. "

    Are you working with a counselor? You can't correct a problem until you've correctly identified it. Yes, it can be scary. It can upset you're entire life sometimes. What's the alternative? Living a life that isn't right for you?

    It is to bad the OP left the conversation but I do think this is a worthwhile conversation even without them. I've been contacted by an out-of-town member who travels. They told me up front they are married in a relationship that lacks affection and their cuddling is done without their partner's knowledge. I'll need to think carefully if they happen to travel to my area and would meet them first to see how I feel about the situation. The basis of my morality is to do not harm. Sometimes it's not crystal clear exactly what that means.

  • TallmannTallmann

    @Dre07, That’s rough. I just got out of a 14-year relationship with little to no physical affection. It’s very difficult to love reptilians. It would be best for your mental health if you were honest about looking for cuddles outside the relationship before initiating this venture. But if your partner is abusive, you do not owe them the same social graces due to someone who is respectful of you, your boundaries, and your needs. Good luck. ❤️

  • angela10angela10

    @galowglass thanks for your wisdom and organized thoughts. It's well put together as usual.

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