Important people in your life that one day just disappear without a trace

disneysamuraidisneysamurai
in General

Have you ever had someone who was an important part of your life, like a former friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, that one day just all the sudden disappears without a trace like they fell off the face of the earth? I’m not talking about simple ghosting where someone just ignores your texts and phone calls; I’m talking about someone who just disappears and even your mutual connections or anyone who knew them have no idea what happened to them - they disappear like Jimmy Hoffa or the Roanoke colonists.

I bring this up because sometimes I think about the first girl I dated back when I was a freshman in high school. I’m not going to go in the details of that because it was a really messy situation but about a year after breaking up we were still talking and things were starting to get intimate again but then all of the sudden disappeared without a trace and 25 years later I still wonder what happened, like I never got real closure.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Did you try searching for her through Spokeo? You have her name and where she used to live, that's enough, usually.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited November 2025

    Look her up on Facebook , even if she’s married, she might have her maiden name listed in parentheses .. A lot of people find their long lost friends there.. 😃 look her up on your high school online year book club ? I hope nothing scandalous has happened.. 😔 Sometimes, people just don’t want to be found and if they wanted you in their life , you would be… they disappear out of your life for reasons you already know or for reasons you will never know ..who knows ? Maybe she is thinking about you too.. or not…

  • SelfMadeJaySelfMadeJay

    This might come off as a sad one but I remember befriending a young woman named Rochelle 20 years ago in New Orleans when I was celebrating my 19th birthday during Mardi Gras. She was cool as hell, she even got me in a few bars that were strictly 21 and older. Security was kinda lax and probably didn't question to ask for my ID with me being 6'1 at the time and her being 22 so they must've assumed we were together. We became pretty close (not like BF & GF close but at the most best friends w/ benefits) and we hung out again a few months later in late May with the highlight of that trip spending almost the whole day in Six Flags New Orleans.

    Last time I've heard from her was 3 days before Hurricane Katrina made landfall on Southern Louisiana. I was back home in NYC at the time and we were talking about Katrina which was becoming a real big deal at the time. She was telling me she was just gonna tough it out with some of her family, seemingly undaunted since while New Orleans does flood fairly easy from tropical storms, none of them at that time were catastrophic before 2005. After Katrina I tried messaging her a couple times every other day, no response. I was really worried then eventually she left my mind since I was a busy college student with my own mess to deal with, plus I didn't know any of her mutuals so I basically had no other solid connection to figure out where she was and hoping the worst hasn't happened to her.

    A few years later in 2008, I returned to New Orleans mainly to find out Rochelle's fate and went over to her neighborhood in Holly Grove. The neighborhood at the time was in extensive repairs but it was safe to say the storm absolutely totaled that part of NOLA. The rowhouses which once stood at that area were being completely replaced by newer houses, I was about to give up on my search until a neighbor that I vaguely remembered noticed me and told me that Rochelle got swept away while saving his two grandchildren in the surging floods from the storm. Her grandmother who was placed in the Louisiana Superdome for shelter also passed away 3 days after Katrina due to unbearable temperatures and very slow reach of support from the Bush Administration. The rest of her family have since relocated to Fort Worth, Texas.

    I was really bummed out after hearing the news but I did get a sense of closure finding out what happened to her and to this day, it's kinda hard getting over it. She was the first friend I've made in my very first visit to New Orleans and fate can be very cruel at times. Much appreciation to those who read my novel of a post.

  • DaveLaughsDaveLaughs

    Sorry to hear about your loss, @SelfMadeJay

    Sometimes people just disappear without giving us the closure we need, maybe they don’t even want to give it to us, which may have been @disneysamurai ’s case, other times they disappear because they die

    We never know when and how someone may be taken away from our lives
    It’s a roll of the dice

    Kind of makes it all the more important to cherish the ones we still have

    And probably as importantly to find new and rediscover old ways of appreciating ourselves that much more deeply

  • disneysamuraidisneysamurai

    @DaveLaughs i think that’s one thing I always wondered and worried about. She had an immune system deficiency on top of other things and I remember one of the last things she told me was she was sick.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited November 2025

    I remember the last time I spoke to my mother. I was in a hurry and I didn’t say “I love you” back to her on the phone. She was like that too. In a hurry, but she really worked on herself and she could add an improved human being to her list of achievements and firsts. She learned empathy and happiness and combined it with the wisdom and strength she always had.

    Then she was killed instantly the next day in a plane crash that cut her body in half. Closed casket for a funeral.

    That’s real ghosting. So OP I wouldn’t say your girl disappeared—she is just somewhere else living a life too.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited November 2025

    .

  • HuggycatbearHuggycatbear

    @SelfMadeJay that brought tears to my eyes. Oh my god. It made me think of every time I thought something tragic happened to people who disappeared in my life, even if for a moment, only to find it wasn't so dramatic.

    But yours... wow. Was true. I'm so sorry.

  • SelfMadeJaySelfMadeJay

    @Huggycatbear @DaveLaughs I appreciate the condolences. The hurt from it all feels so raw even after all these years. It just puts in perspective to always take care of yourself, both physical and mental health and always check on your loved ones because life is fickle and fragile. We're never guaranteed a tomorrow.

    @disneysamurai I hope in your case when you do know of her whereabouts, it's not the same gut punch as mine.

    @TheFunCartel My condolences and holy hell, that's a FRIGHTENING way to lose your life. I remember hearing of Mexican singer Jenny Rivera meeting that same fate. I can only hope that death would have been swift and painless even with the end result telling a much more gruesome tale. I wish you and everyone here well.

  • wreckitremywreckitremy

    Going thru this right now actually with someone I met thru here.

    We had plans, they visited every month, we had a routine. They weren't much of a texter so I left them alone until it was time to confirm that our plans were still on this month.
    I texted multiple times throughout the week with no response. I called twice and they never picked up.

    This was not a flaky person. They always texted me back to let me know if their schedule was going to work out or not for a visit.

    So naturally I keep coming back to the worst. That they are dead. And if I'm wrong that just means they didn't want to tell me they don't want to be friends anymore.

    If they hate me for some reason I cannot fathom, I'd rather that. I just wish they would tell me so I don't have to think I lost them bc they died. Bc everytime I land back on "they are dead" that damn rascal flats song "what hurts the most" pops up in my head.

    So suffice to say, I relate.

  • BluboySnugsBluboySnugs

    It’s interesting to ponder on. But could lead to self doubt for some. I kind of like knowing i won’t ever hear from them again in a way. But i do wonder sometimes if they are ok.

    I’ve never harmed or mistreated anyone but
    Almost all of my exes cut contact with me completely and most recently I was given a “surprise” your now divorced one night when i got home to find her gone and ghosted.

    My best friend has the opposite experiences and seems to linger forever with contact of most his ex relationships .

    In a way it’s more painful for him because he seeks their validation in times of turmoil and doesn’t get back healthy responses that a solid relationship would offer him.

    I know that my past relationships are just that and not something i should cling to. He can’t help himself but to reach out when he is hurting and only gets more pain in return.

    But there are times … because i still love them all in a way , where i want to know they are ok and want to know how they are doing. Want to say i miss them in a way… Instead i look forward to what people life will share with me next .

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)
    edited November 2025

    .

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33

    .

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs
    edited November 2025

    That girl who was just banned. But really, for lovers over the course of my life, I've found it's about 50/50. About half stay in some sort of touch, and about half don't. And in every instance, I knew what would happen early on by the types of relationships they maintained. If they had no friends, I expected them to disappear. And if they maintained long-term committed friendships with ex-lovers and friends, they did the same with me.

  • ecuddlebliss21ecuddlebliss21

    @disneysamurai .. Try checking the Obituary. On New Year Eve Day of 2022 - this was how I discover my special girlfriend's tragedy after she had attended a family reunion in late Summer 2021 in a distanced town, where she and her family member had caught Covid19. We regularly texts and visits together over the years. Up to until this family event. Last she had texted was that she was sick.
    Girlfriend and her sister both were fully vaccinated, but had passed away within 3-weeks. Her mom had recovered, because she had a different CV19 vaccination.

  • disneysamuraidisneysamurai

    @ecuddlebliss21 well here’s the kicker- I never knew her last name; only her first and middle. That’s what is making it way harder than it needs to be. She never wanted to give it for privacy reasons; she was very guarded. We didn’t go to the same school either; it was actually long distance. This happened so long ago and I used to save AIM conversations but those are gone too but I remember a lot of details from them and I’m trying to put the pieces together. She never reached out though all these years even though she could have, which leads me to believe something tragic may very well have happened in late 2001. I may never know at this point.

  • [Deleted User]HugToHeal (deleted user)

    I could potentially help, feel free to shoot me a DM. But... I've learned some people just disappear. If they wanted to be in our lives, they would. Sometimes it is best to move on and fill our lives with people who want to be in them:)

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    One of the greatest gifts I learned to give myself was my own sense of closure. People move in and out of our lives inexplicably, and we may never be able to get the answers we want from them. As I tend to get really attached to people, far more than they to me, I used to get incredibly hurt every time someone I depended on emotionally disappeared.

    Over the years, I've learned that it's ok to grieve, it's ok to feel all those feelings, but to not fixate on them. Holding expectations of closure is far more likely to lead to disappointment and frustration rather than actual resolution - even if you get an answer from the person. Just because someone explains why they are leaving doesn't mean you're ready to accept or understand their answer.

    So instead I focus on taking care of myself and holding as much empathy and understanding as I can. I can be hurt and still understand that sometimes life just gets in the way or priorities change. Neither is a reflection on my worth, either in general or to the other person.

    Just because people are in our lives a short time doesn't make them less meaningful, and just because they disappear doesn't mean the connection we had was somehow less. Our paths just diverged at some point, and who knows... They may converge again some other time in a pleasant surprise!

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited November 2025

    You know, at the age of 26 I cut ties with everyone but family because the people in my life were an anchor on me or brought nothing but negative energy to the table. It was a relief when I disappeared out of their lives. I never saw any of them again with the exception of one who got a message to me through my dad. She was an ex-gf who 30 years later wanted to reconnect after a bad marriage. Turns out she just wanted things from me—sex, money, someone fun to go out with—without giving anything in return, so I cut that off before it even started. Another of them was in prison, and yet another was facing 30 counts of fraud. I found those facts out through the internet. All to say that I made the right decision as my life went in the other direction entirely.

    But that is also the risk of reconnecting with someone—discovering you were the problem they solved by disappearing out of your life.

    But the reasons are infinite—I only bring the situation above up because sometimes you might not want to know the answer. And again, just like pros and enthusiasts who do not return a message or ghost, no answer is an answer.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited November 2025

    Kind of like when you want to help someone , you reach out to them and they never reply because they just don’t care enough to do so..not even a simple polite “ thank you” as common courtesy.. ( I would not want a thank you unless it was sincere anyway) or maybe they are selfish or have some form of mental or physical illness that they choose to ignore you or have no choice, but , to separate/isolate themselves from society., etc… Everyone has their reasons for the way they choose to live their life and the type of human they want to be.. The way others treat you is a reflection of who they truly are .. good, bad, ugly ( inside) , sometimes a mental or physical illness could be the reason some people don’t get in touch/ stay in touch or the reason they disappear from your life..

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited November 2025

    !

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Sometimes it is best to move on and fill our lives with people who want to be in them:)

    @HugToHeal This is simple and great advice. Better to look forward rather than back.

    And tracking down a former flame, lover or crush is kind of stalkerish.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited November 2025

    @The FunCartel you are correct 👍 and he is just wondering what happened to her after all of these years .. Facebook, Court Records , obits are public record.. anyone can access ..a lot of people use these sites to find a long lost friend. For me, I would just move on and leave it in the past.. I’m thinking he is just curious as to what happened to her.. I’m not going to make the assumption that he is going to stalk her or just randomly show up at her home or job.. or do a drive by 🚙 stalking.. Then yes, that would be creepy and kind of stalker ish as you say.. 😊
    I believe ( my belief/my opinion) you are directing that comment toward @disneysamurai and not me 😊 being that he is the one trying to find his old friend .. He is reaching out for advice and not to be judged. Now, if there was ever a restraining order involved…. That is another story….. I believe he is simply trying to find out what happened to her after all these years.. my opinion. 😃.

  • disneysamuraidisneysamurai

    @SweetCuddler33 maybe I’m just nostalgic but at the same time maybe it’s for the best I don’t know. Thinking back, she did raise a lot of red flags that I would run far away from today. I’d rather not share them in the forum but if you’d really like to know, feel free to DM me.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33

    @disneysamurai I prefer not to know for the sake of a happy mind 😊 Be well 🙏

  • BearCraftBearCraft

    I had a close friend in high school just disappear one day, no one in our friend group knew what happened. His entire family apparently just up and moved away one day. I've tried looking him up on social media a few times but never found anything. I do still occasionally wonder what happened, but as its been nearly 30 years I highly doubt I will ever know.

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