I think a lot of this comes down to how someone uses each medium, not which medium they choose. Text can feel flat, rushed, or low-effort — but it can also be expressive, intentional, and grounding when people bring their personality into it.
For me, text works best as a bridge: enough to establish tone, boundaries, and mutual comfort. After that, voice or in-person adds the depth that text can’t always carry.
I don’t think fast in-person is inherently better, nor is long texting inherently safer — alignment seems to matter more than speed. When effort, respect, and curiosity are present, the method matters a lot less.
I know I've been this way most of my life, dreading calling strangers on the phone for anything. When ordering food online first became a thing before even the convenient apps like UberEats or DoorDash, I was so glad that I didn't have to call to order a pizza or beg a family member to call on my behalf (I was still either a kid or teen when I first saw this for some pizza places).
I've gotten a little better at it but that discomfort is very much still there. Especially if it's a sales person. Like when I wanted to cancel a membership or trial of something and a phone call was the only option I dreaded it, because my brain starts to feel like it shuts down or runs slower and I can't think and process normally due to the nerves I'm feeling. It has lead to some sales person getting me to agree to "hey instead of cancelling why don't you try this discounted offer and stay with us?" simply because I get nervous and say ok quickly. After I hung up of course I was mad at myself and at them for pushing until I got pressured into a yes when all I wanted to do was cancel. Eventually when that period ended I called to cancel and just prepped myself by making sure I would ignore any and all offers and stick to my no, please cancel immediately, but it wasn't easy.
It's a little different when it's just a friendly chat, as I'm not under pressure to cancel or buy something, but it's still hard for me. Maybe after 5 or 6 calls or if the other person is a bit more outgoing than myself and asks me questions then I get more and more comfortable and can function and talk normally. The same goes for in person. That eye contact is initially difficult as well.
So this is definitely why I prefer messaging or texting first. Eventually I'll move onto calls or in person once I get comfortable with them. Soon I won't be shy with them anymore and may talk too much at that point.
Texting and phone calls can’t compare to face to face -
I actually had a date on an app where they arrange a meeting place if you match, no texting beforehand. That worked surprisingly well. Apart from lack of attraction but still
@AmberUK - i completely get that
and kudos to @JohnR1972 for moving at the pace enthusiasts prefer.
So much pressure to move to every next step from most people. sharing a pic, moving off site to text, let's meet in person. I try to map it out as clearly as i can for people. it doesn't always take months even, sometimes i just know someone will be ok and can move forward.
@SafeWithMatt this! i put a lot of time and effort into my texts and messages. I can gain a lot of important info to see if this is a good fit for me pretty quickly. And I agree, message/text for too long ends up in it's own stagnant pattern.
I agree with @Huggycatbear . While I do enjoy text communication, in-person and video/phone calls are way better.
However I do have a strong dislike for in-betweeners like sending short video or audio messages. Don’t know why.
Truth of the matter is there is no pattern. I have had female enthusiasts reach out to me and after a couple of messages they want to meet for coffee or even a cuddle. I have had others where it took a few weeks. And when I reach out to enthusiasts the same mishmash applies. People are all different and you as an individual should know what your pros and cons are of an ideal partner. It will be different for everyone and no one enthusiast speaks for all, nor does any one pro speak for all pros.
I will say that I have engaged with enthusiasts in DMs and texts that persistently mentioned they were socially awkward and avoided meeting in a public place for months. When I finally checked out and told them I do not think we are compatible, I was flamed for being insensitive to their plight. I am not, but I am also not a therapist, and I am a human and an enthusiast just like them so I put a premium on my time. As a result, when someone mentions social anxiety, I do not stop the conversation, but I do have them on a shorter leash than I do others. It is a personal red flag for me that we will not be compatible and it is in no way a reflection of them. I know what I want and what I can tolerate and still enjoy someone’s company. I just hate carrying conversations even though I can. So yes, my patience with texting varies depending on the person. I have a couple of people on this site that I do not see as much as I would like that are enthusiasts who I have texted with for years to stay in touch. But we have cuddled before and they were never evasive about meeting. They know who they are and they know I appreciate them.
Long story short—we each have our own criteria and there is no one way this is going to go for anyone. But if you do not know yourself, your likes, your wants, and your dislikes you will find meeting your ideal cuddler an uphill battle. And put a premium on your time and the quality of interaction. If you feel you are getting used for somebody’s on-line social life and it appeals to you-by all means engage. But you also need to say no if it is too much or too manipulative for you.
No one knows what’s right for you but you; and if you don’t know what’s right for you, then you have bigger issues than text vs irl.
EDIT: I want it to be clear that I do engage with people who have social anxiety and I do count many of them as friends or acquaintances and I will offer my support if they want it. But what I was referring to above in the body of my post was my preferences when it comes to a cuddle partner, which is a much different scenario.