Cuddling styles

BabichevBabichev
in General

As I'm gaining a little experience at this, I'm identifying various things to think about. One is cuddling styles. I prefer what I am coming to think of as a "quiet" kind of cuddling, especially with someone new with whom I'm not very well acquainted but I think just in general anyway. What I'm finding is the men I have cuddled with want to engage in nonstop stroking, squeezing, and other manner of movement. Going forward, I'll be more aware to bring this up right away.

What's your cuddling style? What do you do when you have a clash of cuddling styles with your cuddle buddy?

Comments

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    I like still and silent with background music. But I've also had someone "attack" me in a playful manner, that broke me out of the funk I had brought with me. Once I was "present" in the moment, my cuddler mellowed-out and we just hung out quietly. I like both those two styles.

    Add it to your boundry discussion.

  • [Deleted User]snughugs (deleted user)

    I prefer straight forward, long-hug style cuddles and don't like any 'extras' (face stroking, tickling, whatever) unless it's with a romantic partner.

  • quietman775quietman775

    Good post! So often, the pre-cuddle discussion is so focused on "is this person safe and respectful?" that no thought is given to the question of whether your preferred cuddle styles are compatible.

    As mentioned in my profile, I tend to be an active cuddler, cycling through a half-dozen or so positions in a 90-minute session. I like good conversation, but I'm okay with silence too, as long as it's not an awkward silence. What I'm looking for is a sense of physical and psychological engagement. I've cuddled people who were so inert that it was like cuddling a sofa bolster. I can enjoy a calm, quiet vibe, as long as it's not too sleepy, detached, or disengaged.

    I've only had a handful of occasions where I met someone with whom I had no cuddle chemistry. When it happens, I just put that profile name in my "do not repeat" file and move on to the next one. I think @galowglass 's parting line is sound advice.

  • BabichevBabichev

    Yeah, I'm figuring this out as I go along.

    I just had another experience. This time, I brought up what I'd experienced that didn't work for me and what I was looking for - quiet cuddling (not meaning no conversation, just not constant stroking, squeezing, etc.) and no pushing the boundaries. I thought I made it pretty clear and he seemed real respectful and seemed to understand.

    And then he told me about a session he had with a paid cuddler who told him, right off the bat, that she was okay with nude cuddling. Okay, why is he telling me about this? The cuddling went pretty okay except sometimes his hands were kind of edging towards where I didn't want them to go. But then, at the end, he told me that some time, when I'm really comfortable with someone, I should discuss "skin to skin" cuddling. When I asked what he meant, he was referring to nude cuddling.

    It takes awhile for it to sink in but an hour or so later I'm thinking dude, you really blew it.

    This is getting a little discouraging. I have a feeling this is one of the reasons there are so few women on this site.

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    @Babichev - You should report that person, otherwise you will be enabling this behavior with other women on this site.

    From the Terms and Conditions of this site:

    Personal boundaries

    You agree to never use this Website for the intent of meeting another member for sex. You also agree to never attempt to progress a meeting, organised via this website, to a sexual nature.

    When communicating with another member, you agree to never indicate a desire to cuddle while doing any of the following: (1) being nude, (2) wearing only underwear, (3) kissing, (4) groping, (5) satisfying a fetish or kink, and (6) anything of a non-platonic nature.

  • BabichevBabichev
    edited September 2018

    sigh You're right.

    This is a good reason to communicate with other cuddlers through this site and not take it outside of here. That was another thing - he said he'd prefer to communicate outside of this site in the future. And if I did that, then I really would not be able to report him here.

    I'm learning. And thanks for posting the terms of agreement because it's even clearer than what's posted at the bottom of the messages page.

    Thanks. I needed that.

    You guys are really helpful. I'm beginning to appreciate that more and more.

  • BabichevBabichev

    Done.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @quietman775 - " I tend to be an active cuddler, cycling through a half-dozen or so positions in a 90-minute session. "

    I don't find that excessively "active." What I've run into is guys who will ask can I stroke your hair or your back and I say yes and then it's nonstop after that, interspersed with frequent squeezing, pushing their hips up against me, etc. It gets annoying and feels pushy.

    I hate being negative, but I'm accumulating a lengthening list of "don'ts"

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    @Babichev I'm so sorry you went through that experience! I have had similar experiences and at this point, I make it a point that it's not a topic to discuss as my position on nude cuddling is the same as that of the site... no nude cuddling will ever take place in my presence.

  • [Deleted User]galowglass (deleted user)

    So, escalation 1. - Have your boundries written-up and have a section entitled, "Deal Breakers" - "These behaviours will result in immediate termination of the cuddle session with no refund of the remaining time. This will also include reporting your account to whichever site the session-appointment used."

    Escalation 2. If you have an absolute ton of nitwits, make them sign the boundry agreement and take a photo of the signed doc and give them the original. Send the photo to your safety-partner before the cuddling starts. Further escalation could be to: Make it known that you do that.

    These are both, maybe a little drastic. Take it with a grain of salt. Safe cuddles!

    Peace

  • BabichevBabichev

    This discussion has been most helpful.

    In terms of this last experience - they also had two separate profiles on this site, same photo cropped slightly differently. I think that's a violation of the terms of service, too, so they seem to have a problem with sticking to the stated rules.

    @galowglass - I don't think those suggestions are extreme at all and may be very useful.

    There have been two other guys I've had some correspondence with that I haven't cuddled with yet. I explained to both of them the problems I've been having and said I want to make it clear I'm here strictly for platonic cuddling, not any of this other stuff, so if you have any other ideas, please save us both the trouble. One answered back with a very nice, supportive, and and understanding reply, the other has not responded.

  • respectful328respectful328

    @Quietman775 what you said in your blog and profile sounds so mechanical “ cycling through a half-dozen or so positions in a 90-minute session." I believe a good cuddling session as long as I am respectful and honor all boundaries I like it to flow naturally with both myself and my cluddler to build a chemistry and connection together. You sound like you care about your needs and not a connection. Open up and enjoy the flow and connection.

  • quietman775quietman775
    edited September 2018

    @respectful328 "You sound like you care about your needs and not a connection."

    And you sound like someone who is reading an awful lot into a single sentence about my preferences. ;-) I think your criticism is unwarranted. Even if it were true, which it is not, it wouldn't be inappropriate for me to be concerned about getting my own needs met. In general, that privilege is exactly what paying clients are paying for.

    In any case, rather than jumping to conclusions about what a cuddle with me is like, why not take the word of the people who have actually done it? I have 19 karma reviews. Here are a few excerpts.

    "Quietman775 made me feel like he was the pro and all I had to do was enjoy myself, which I did."

    "He is very much a giver."

    " He is a dream cuddler, and a wonderful human being. Very easy to connect with, respectful, and such a helpful first cuddler for someone new to CC like me. He could be a pro-cuddler himself. He is very clear and expressive re what he needs at any give moment, while also being giving and attentive."

    "My experience with him was absolutely one of the best!"

    "It's always a pleasure running into a fellow cuddle expert, and this meeting was like fireworks."

    In short, the evidence suggests that the women I have cuddled did not feel that I was only concerned with getting my own needs met, rather than with a connection. I have had at least 130 cuddle sessions in a four-year span. Over that time frame, I have developed some stylistic preferences. Just like the OP of this thread. I long ago taught myself how to "open up and enjoy the flow and connection." No coaching needed. But I appreciate your concern.

  • respectful328respectful328

    @Quietman775 just to make a point on karmas how many bad ones do you see for cuddlers very few if any. As long as you are paying your cuddlers if course they are going to give you good karmas. To me you sound like a robot with your structure cuddling and very conceited that you are a great cuddler.

  • RobVRobV

    I like to lie still to start and just be held by my partner. I try to get tuned into her breathing and get relaxed. Once I am in that space, I find I can do a lot better zeroing in on her needs, being big spoon or giving shoulder rubs or foot/hand massages. I try to be leisurely, and ask if everything is ok at each step. Sometimes I find myself stroking her face or hair. Then I just hold hands to still my body again.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @respectful328 - You're leaping to a lot of mistaken assumptions. @quietman775 is one of the very best cuddlers I've ever been with, and a lot of other cuddlers agree with me. He is far from robotic and not the least bit conceited. He's exceptional.

  • quietman775quietman775
    edited September 2018

    @respectful328 Look, why are you seeking an argument with me? It is both pointless and off-topic for this thread. It's also a little pugnacious for someone who names himself "respectful."

    But just to finish this up:

    1. Yes, most of my reviews are from people I paid, because I see mostly pros. Not ONLY pros, though. So will you also seek to discredit the feedback I got from enthusiasts? To what purpose?

    2. "To me you sound like a robot." I don't cuddle men, so I don't care how my cuddling sounds to some guy. I've never had a woman, pro or enthusiast, raise that objection about my profile. And I've certainly never gotten anything like that about my cuddles after the fact. I reacted strongly to your negative feedback because I don't need you planting the suggestion in some female cuddler's mind that I am either selfish or mechanical. I'm not either of those things. Your take on a sentence in my profile has no bearing on that.

    3. The charge of being conceited doesn't stick. To be conceited means to have an excessively favorable opinion of oneself. I do think I'm good at cuddling. Whether my opinion is excessively favorable is not something you're in any position to know.

    If you had really wanted to make what you considered a helpful suggestion, you could have done so by PM. Instead, you chose to denigrate me in front of my potential cuddlers on a public forum. You expect me to be receptive to that? Maybe I was a bit snappier than I needed to be in defending myself. If so, I apologize. But the point stands: I am not receptive to unsolicited coaching on how to be a better cuddler from every passing guy who doesn't like a line in my profile.

    Look, if any of the women I've cuddled want to make suggestions on how I could improve their experiences with me, I will receive their input with interest, appreciation and humility. Everyone who is not one of them is cordially invited to stay out of it.

    @Babichev , I'm sorry about this tangent. it was as much of a surprise to me as I'm sure it was to you. I'm out.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited September 2018

    @Babichev Great topic! I think it's very helpful to identify what you are comfortable with -- not just boundaries, but what you most enjoy.

    So far I haven't had a clash with another person's style, but that might be because I've mainly cuddled with professionals, who tend to be fine with most things. But I do like it when I can find out what they enjoy too! It can take a bit of coaxing to find that out.

    You asked, "What's your cuddling style?"

    My favourite position is lying face to face on my right side. With my left hand I can touch her back or neck, stroke her hair, touch her right arm or trace the side of her face. Or I can just rest my hand on her waist. Occasional tight squeezes are nice -- which is my automatic reaction when I want to say "thank you"! Touching each other's toes is fun too. And being cheek to cheek or neck, and the occasional affectionate nose rub.

    I love being stroked on my neck, back and arm and on my left side. I've had tingles go through my whole body from that kind of touch. I do like pretty constant movement, but sometimes just holding each other can be nice too.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @respectful - "So far I haven't had a clash with another person's style, but that might be because I've mainly cuddled with professionals, who tend to be fine with most things."

    One very significant difference in cuddling with a professional is that they are there to accommodate you, you aren't expected to have to accommodate them.

    I don't see anything in what @quietman775 has written that sounds mechanical or self-centered at all. I think he gets it.

    I don't think there's a right or wrong way to cuddle, just personal preferences. What would be wrong would be to not pay attention to one's partner and/or not respect their boundaries.

    @RobV - I love your description, you sound like my kind of cuddler! I may have to steal some of that.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited September 2018

    @Babichev "you aren't expected to have to accommodate them"

    Yep, but it wouldn't feel like a proper cuddle to me if it was one way. I love giving as well as receiving!

    My impression is that some people (professionals and enthusiasts) aren't always aware of what they like, so it can be good to try a few things out and see what works for them.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    This is a wonderful discussion, I do believe @respectful has a very good point as do you @Babichev; not all know what their preferred cuddling styles are and it is a process of learning what works and what doesn't and I honestly believe it's very dependent on the the two people being cuddled. How long have they known each other, how long have they talked before meeting, how many times have they cuddled in the past, are they from a touchy-feely family or a more formal or non touching family?
    I grew up tripping over extended family, we were raised in a small town and my grandparents had a small house. But we were all together in their house at least twice a week. We had to get over personal boundary issues at birth or marriage into the family. The uncles were hugging each other and Grandpa as much as they were hugging the women and children in the family.
    My idea of cuddle style is going to be much different than most peoples, I'm basically full contact with some skin to skin. Skin to skin is vital for every human, but for me that would only be areas that are naturally uncovered anything else is too intimate.
    I so appreciate @snughugs for pointing out that she has discovered some forms of touch are too intimate and should only be reserved for a romantic partner.

    I personally would love to know what type of public cuddle styles there are? Any threads I haven't found yet on that? Also @Babichev have you thought about public cuddles for the first few sessions? The very nature is less encouraging to the inappropriate touching you've described. My first cuddle from this site was going to happen yesterday at a truck show, he no showed when I informed him there would be no private cuddling afterwards as this was a first meet also.

    But it was a free show with lots of activities to explore, now that its fall it seems that there are harvest festivals or farmers markets everywhere. A concert in the park or even a paid concert, a split check open air restaurant, a walk in the park to a bench or a piece of grass. Those are some options which encourage touching and closeness without the possibility to push personal boundaries quite as much.

  • CreativeCuddlesCreativeCuddles

    @Babichev just curious if at all during the time you were messaging that gentleman that suggested the nude cuddling if you got any sort of vibe that maybe you shouldn’t cuddle with him? I get it sometimes and it seems like all I have had is the ones that want me to wear nylons, sheer clothing or the most recent asked if he could bring a friend. I read these and think you have got to be kidding me. Are you ever worried you’ll miss a “sign?” I am new and I think reading the forums is beneficial and I will just ask another pro if something seems odd. Thank you for sharing

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    For me my preferred style at the moment is public mainly. I love to dance so having a partner is perfect for that touch and closeness. I enjoy being out with someone and doing everything from sitting on a bench with legs almost touching to holding hands or arms around each other. Being in public gives me an added layer of safety, it's harder to try something inappropriate if their are other people around. But I'm also a social person and hate doing activities on my own. Table for one, no one to hold my spot in the que, bringing any purchases into the bathroom if needed, no one to grab hold of at a haunted house!! lol.

    I like to go to farmers markets, or this time of year pick fruit at the many orchards, how fun is it to ride the tractor out bumping on a bench next to my cuddle buddy, having him reach the high fruit or spot me while I climb a branch or two. Chances are that the person I'm with also eats or enjoys music, whatever so we may as well go together, it turns a must do task into a fun task with the opportunity to touch and hug. Haunted houses or amusement parks are famous for the long lines, what better opportunity to hold each other, lean on each other while you're waiting? This also is my normal suggestion for hetro women who want to cuddle also. We can touch and hug, get that awkwardness out of the way or only be that way. Even at the library is a good option, especially if you prefer a quiet cuddle, there are big chairs and couches galore at most libraries now a days, plus some of my favorites have installed a fireside area so we can sit by the fire watching the outdoors and be still together. If its snowing and it's a snowy window view, even better! Plus coffee shops!!

    What do I do when there is a clash?

    I just try and back us up a step. This is also where that initial few sessions being public is handy, I have a chance to feel the person out and we can work on a solution before we get into those uncomfortable or awkward situations. There just aren't enough people out here that I can afford to lose one I find because our cuddle styles clash.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @CreativeCuddles - " just curious if at all during the time you were messaging that gentleman that suggested the nude cuddling if you got any sort of vibe that maybe you shouldn’t cuddle with him? "

    No. In fact, if anything, he came off as the epitome of a polite gentleman. It was a weird juxtaposition.

    "Are you ever worried you’ll miss a “sign?” "

    Not really. In my day job and my dance communities this kind of stuff sometimes comes up. I'm fairly attuned. I'm 65 years old, I've been around. One can never be perfect at assessing people. Sometimes in retrospect you see hints you didn't pick up on and other times, someone who may not have made the best first impression turns out better than expected. In this case, he totally hid it well. It happens.

  • CherokeeTomCherokeeTom

    Hey everyone I'm new and been checking and reading and lerning some very good ideas this one was very informative on styles so i can better understand it all and now know to ask what she prefers best right from the start. It also got my mind going about my self thinking hmm well I never thought of it that way. So I got to thinking what I have always done, liked, don't mind,etc witch can always change depending on the person/situation your may be in. I do mostly like quiet holding,head on lap shoulder or stomach,big or little spoon,hand holding,with the acationl hand/fingers rub/light scratch like on arm,side of leg,back,chest/stomach with some acationl talking like most do while watching something or just talking to each other just being so considerate, comfortable, and relaxed just so relaxing and enjoyable definitely stress free and I know I'm not the only one especially every woman that's been with me I put to sleep when I slowly stroke,rub, her head/hair either night night or nirvana lol that is a weapon of mass serrinity and bliss cause.............? what happened damn I fell asleep again huh lol anyway as I was saying when and if/or I request it they start rubbing/light scratchin my head game over I be like a shark upside down in the water. Incredibly relaxing and a Major stress release when u can have moments like that. So I guess my style is Balanced Cuddler lol.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @CherokeeTom - "ask what she prefers best right from the start."

    You can't go wrong with that. And if she's new at this, keep asking, she may not know.

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