@KozyKim Yea I think the ‘no judgement’ approach to cuddle therapy has gotten me in a lot of trouble. That topic comes up in nearly every screening, and I was told to say it’s ’natural and no judgement’ but I honestly think that’s almost like an invitation.
@TeaBabe333 I agree because I don't get turned on by my guy friends. And my guy friends don't get turned on by me.. you may need self-control when you're on a date because you're pursuing a romantic relationship . But when you're meeting with a friend, you shouldn't be thinking that way.
@KozyKim thank you for your comment, that makes sense to me now. It sounds like even when a lot of men aren't pushing the boundaries they're still seeing you as a target of their romantic/sexual desires in their minds. Or they're wishing they had something more out of you even when they're not acting on it. It's still objectifying to know someone else is looking at or thinking about you that way when you're just trying to enjoy a platonic activity or be friends. That's a wonderful dream you shared; in order to feel truly safe and cozy during cuddles, it should be like two friends who just innocently enjoy spending time together and cuddle for the sake of platonic enjoyment and safety.
I know some guys might have a hard time thinking of similar experiences so I'll be open and share my own. I knew a guy once in college who I tried to enjoy platonic activities with, not cuddling related. (Before I continue - I respect and appreciate all orientations of course, I just would not want to make advances on anyone who didn't want it or was not attracted to my gender, which would make them uncomfortable.) But when we were eating fast food together or playing video games, he'd stop the conversation to tell me how 'attractive' or 'sexy' he found me, even when I specified respectfully it wasn't my orientation and made me uncomfortable. Even when he stopped saying those things, I just got too uncomfortable to let my guard down and enjoy platonic activities with someone who was fantasizing about me constantly.
I can imagine cuddling works in a similar way, how can you feel safe and secure in an activity with someone who is just looking at you with romantic or sexual thoughts? @TeaBabe333 has a good point too, the 'no judgement' mindset is usually applied to harmless behaviors but sexualizing women (or seeing them as targets for sexual/romantic gratification) can actually be quite unsafe.
I’m not a pro, but my experience has been very similar to that of @TeaBabe333 . I’ve met with six or seven people and every one of them has tried to turn the session into something sexual, even when I was clear when meeting before.
Cuddling is supposed to be relaxing, but it’s hard to relax when you’re constantly pushing hands away or wondering if a particular fleeting touch was accidental (it probably wasn’t).
@KozyKim That's the best dream ever. That dream is THE dream for me. I wish it could be that way.
@TeaBabe333 I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. That's just awful.
It's so sad not only because of the tremendous amount of damage this causes, but also because there are women and men who could otherwise help each other, but now it's near impossible.
I'm becoming more and more in touch in an embodied way with my own experience of this issue in the last year. It's been very painful, and so I imagine it feels that way for a lot of people here.
I wish it were possible to even have a real conversation with people about all the factors in this tragic dynamic. But it's like playing hot potato with a hand grenade.
Mostly I just wish people would stop hurting each other.
@TeaBabe333 , @sagastume123 I can relate, as I’ve also experienced the creepy boundary pushers .Their behavior really can take a toll on you and affect your mental health. It’s just gross . I reported each one of them , especially the ones that offered a large tip to try to stop me from reporting them.,ha.. So insulting .,No thank you sir! 🤮 It was bad enough that they disrespected me , made me feel disgusted and sick in my stomach by trying to get non platonic cuddles.. An extra tip is never going to override my dignity/self respect or my voice.. I must say that ever since I started asking to see their government issued ID, I have Not had any issues. 😃 They are on their very Best behavior. Respectful, compliant and polite . It’s wonderful! 😃 I recommend this to Pros/non pros. Everyone., Let them know that you will be sending their info to a safety person too. I am not sneaky about it. If they don’t want to show their ID they don’t have to make an appt with me. 😃 simple.
@pmvines 🙌 yes 👍 , @billiam 👍 @TeaBabe333 , @sagantyson I am sorry you had to deal with the lowlifes 😞 there are some decent people here too. Don’t let the bad apples 🍎 🍎🍎 ruin your experience here 😃
@TeaBabe333 your past does not define who you are . You are a human being , you don’t deserve to be judged or disrespected by anyone…
“Our Worth should Not be determined by other’s opinions”…
Well and then there are the myriad of men who try their best to minimize and deligitimize with the what aboutisms, and the whole well women also are doing this and that and the other and if it weren't for the fact that sex workers exist then these things wouldn't happen and it's just natural biology so you can't blame men blah blah. None of that equates being continuously treated like sex objects and like you are less than, and having your boundaries constantly tested and at times assaulted. Like well I'm paying her for her body and hey if she charged a certain amount then it must be because she is a sex worker, and if she's a non pro then even better because certainly she wouldn't want to be spending time with me to jsit cuddle. And look you can see some cleavage in her profile pic so she must want it. It's like the rape defense of blaming what she was wearing at the time. All of that bologna is a lame attempt to normalize behavior and shift blame.
What he said ⬆️ @pmvines
👏 👏 👏
I’ve had some genuinely great cuddle sessions with respectful, kind clients. But I’ve also had to turn away plenty of people during the vetting process because their intentions didn’t align with what this work is about.
And then there are the ones who say they understand your boundaries. They agree to everything. They have multiple conversations with you… and still show up, walk through your door, look you in the eye, and ask for something completely inappropriate.
That’s the only time I’ve ever had to raise my voice to a client—and it was necessary.
I came into this work hoping to rebuild trust in men after years of web modeling. I’ve made progress, but I’m still navigating that journey.
So here’s the bottom line for anyone new in this space:
Stand firm in your boundaries. Do not let anyone guilt you, pressure you, or compare you to someone else. “This other cuddler does it” is not your standard—you are.
Respect yourself. Respect your body. Respect your time.
And never allow anyone to cross a line you’ve clearly set.
@mokissia Thank you for sharing your tough experiences and showing a positive path!
@TeaBabe333 this was a very good post brought up a lot of good discussions and help. Don't give up if you love cuddling. I'll send you one of my good vetting questions, but I don't wanna share it on here. @SweetCuddler33 just gross , my sentiments exactly, a lot of times I don't get mad at them, but I do say wow you really messed this up because it could've been good. @trnguy i've actually told that to other people that I've cuddled if you're straight and you're cuddling a gay man and he pushes boundaries. How would that make you feel and a lot of them go very uncomfortable ,I'm like well that's how we feel. Just think of that.. @sagantyson you're so right that's the whole idea of cuddling to blissfully relaxed. I think people underestimate the pure cuddling effect that you can get.. @billiam it was a beautiful dream and my classmates were actually part of a ministry school so I hate to use this word (religious) because that's not what it was but all the students were a part of that school in the dream. I feel like God will saying you are all innocent.. for a lot of of us our innocence was stolen young. What better reason to have safe Cuddles, we have already been exploited and objectified. i'm contemplating on going just public Cuddles for half of the price of what I currently charge. But I'm not sure if I wanna put up with someone trying to talk me into private Cuddles for 45 bucks lol because half the people don't read your profile. To all of you safe, gentlemen that gave us blissful cuddles thank you thank you thank you. I kind of always dream about cuddling people like older people in their 80s and 90s who have lost their spouse men and women and I know we can't cuddle anybody under 18 but I wish I could hold people until all their sadness was gone. 🤗🤗
I’m back, again. I want to stick around to connect with other women and pros. Yes great discussion, the air needed to be cleared tbh. @KozyKim I’m interested in your vetting questions, thank you so much for offering. Honestly thinking of enrolling myself into some consent and boundary workshops. I want to continue the work, I just can’t be trying to figure it all out on my own and through trial and error anymore. I need support, and I want to offer my support to anyone who is struggling like me.
@TeaBabe333 I definitely recommend the trainings offered by the School of Consent, Cuddle Sanctuary, etc. Getting a fight grip on understanding my own boundaries and how to maintain them has been vital to me having positive cuddle experiences.
Re: the "no judgement" mentality, here's how I view it: you can empathize with a person's lack of knowledge and/or skill without enabling them to cause harm. Living in a society that teaches men to treat women as sexual objects to be conquered is an explanation, not an excuse. People might ask genuine questions out of ignorance, but that doesn't mean I need to let their ignorance harm me or others.
So when I get asked questions about sexual crossover with platonic cuddling, I'll answer honestly and without judgement towards their potential lack of experience. However, at any sign of boundary testing, I shut it down. I'll usually answer something like "bodily functions are normal and not always a choice - but we choose how we react to them. Sneezing isn't morally wrong, but sneezing directly into someone's face without covering it is. The moment you choose to respond in a way that negatively impacts another person, that is no longer excusable."
i almost give up because it never happens, i mean i never get held. Somehow holding myself just doesn't do it. And yeah if it was to happen, they probably be after something else. Not many who are honest or well intentioned i guess, or that's just my perspective from lousy experience, that everyone's after something or has some underlying agenda. I just wanna feel peaceful and it would be nice to know there's some amount of selflessness and/or honesty in the world. I just get these pets to complain at about them not respecting my boundaries, and remind myself not to kiss the cat because he doesn't like it. That sucks there are many here whose boundaries don't get respected. I wouldn't expect that from this kind of site, i figured there are plenty of hookup sites for people who are wanting that, so why should they come to this one. Thought it was just about cuddles, platonic love, filling that hole inside that so many have, or so i imagine, i know i've got one. I feel like unsullied if you've seen that show, just want to be made to feel peaceful, so they get held and sung to. I heard some like to make others feel that way, like to be the one who holds the other. Like they've got lots of love to share with those who are empty i guess. I'd like to meet with someone like that, just to be made to feel peaceful, a mutually beneficial arrangement of platonic love. Reading this thread just gives me more reason to give up on using this site
@TeaBabe333 I seriously have a handful of “established” cuddle buddies and I VERY RARELY cuddle anyone else. SOME times I get brave, but my “go tos” are VERY cherished. Having the label of being a “pro” comes with expectations beyond what this site is willing to debunk. They can say it’s platonic, but as soon as money becomes involved, the expectation changes and people want MORE!! It’s human nature and NO web site is going to be able to change that. It’s a matter of personal character and you can’t put a price on THAT!! hugs & prayers Dear Soul. I wish you the best, whatever you OFFICIALLY decide.. 🙏
@great_pillow08 so so true which is why I haven’t the slightest desire to shame or police. My practice is an inside job and clearly the ‘practice’ is not practicing in my favor. Time to go within, get in touch with my values and boundaries, and learn how to navigate in a way that honors my presence and energy, so I may show up fully resourced in my work.
it seems like it would be easier if that sexual aspect could be cut out altogether by specifically cuddling with the gender one isn't attracted to, but that can't work for everyone. And i don't know what it is about guys, but we're for the most part kinda awkward about that i guess. I mean there aren't many guys i hug or am comfortable with regarding touch in any kind of way. I'm not sure if that's across the board or moreso a me thing, but seems like bro love is a bit more distant for the most part, even when it's completely platonic. What's that about anyway?
@great_pillow08 i second that @SolitaireMan dont give up, stay patient, your words show you are a good person so follow your never-relenting soul … I know it’s easier said than done but we all have our sufferings equal to none.
@HUGGGGGG thank you
and hey i don't know if anyone else does this but i sometimes click the link of the person posting instead of the link of the post on accident. I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, whatever that may be, it's just me being an idiot with what i click on. I mean i get we're supposed to look at profiles i guess, i'm just not trying to be so random with it right, like who's near me is about it but that never goes anywhere, maybe because i don't actually say something, i don't know, or maybe we just don't match up. I mean i never actually see what someone's trying to get out of it in their profile anyway, so i can't ever know if the few around me would even match up on needs
it's a little fucked up i guess, but hey good name of a thread for this kind of statement, that the most platonic love i've felt from a stranger or someone new i met in a long time is someone at their workplace, with it having nothing to do with cuddling or anything. They just offered a hug out of nowhere. That and the person on the suicide helpline seemed to have platonic love, i mean i guess you gotta to work that job. Not saying i'm suicidal or anything, i'm not, i was just having kind of a crisis and i think the helpline had that in the name. Woulda felt strange to say hey could you just talk to me until i fall asleep please, but it's kind of what i wanted to say, i mean it's what i wanted, i woulda felt awkward saying it
i mean sometimes there's just nothing, nowhere to turn or go to, no church open 24 7, nobody to talk you to sleep, no place or way to feel safe. It made me glad to see a place being built for mothers and children who are having a difficult time, i'd bet a lot of people feel that way and that's great that some are helping to give some a way out. It's just there's no 24 7 place for everyone to turn to for some shelter from the storm, whether that storm be from within or from outside. Just helplines that hang up the phone after a while when they've gone through the protocol, or places to check yourself into but those don't do it either, somehow strapped to a bed just ain't the same as being held
Sorry you had that experience. There are a lot of creeps in the world, including on here.
Unfortunately, it sounds like a lot of people on either side of the cuddle coin really blur the lines, intentionally or not. You wanted platonic, but were not getting it because sleazy men wanted to take advantage of you. 5% is unacceptable.
I’ve pretty much given up on this place. The few rare platonic cuddlers I knew have long since deactivated, banned or indefinitely paused. The only messages I get are from pros who initiate without consent. Almost no one in the area returns friendly messages. Is it because they are mostly SWers? I always engage in platonic messaging and make it crystal clear that my interests are strictly platonic.
I’ve been told by countless individuals that this site is mostly about SW. I always tried to find ways of justifying why the rates are so astronomical… for something platonic from any random person, regardless of any actual training or education in the “field.” Hearing that desperate old men make a market for it… something didn’t seem right. There was a missing link.
It sounds like the vast majority of men think cuddles = hanky panky. It sounds like many (no idea what percentage) pro female cuddlers use this as SW and exploit that.
I’ve been contacted (unsolicited) by many pro cuddlers to talk off this site and it almost always goes in an uncomfortable direction.
It’s really sad. I had high hopes for here. I’m sorry you went through all that and I just wanted to let some thoughts off my chest that I never shared on here.
@quincyq03 The landscape for sw is complex. I truly believe every person should have autonomy over their own body. And it’s all their own journey. In a way I feel guilty. Because I realize now that jumping from dancing to cuddling was definitely blurring lines. I didn’t train, I didn’t study, I simply wanted a healthier approach on my body and spirit. And I wanted a healthier relationship with men. I can see how my identity would obscure my intention, but even when I danced, my heart was sincere. I support anyone looking for less barriers and more resources. A lot of women in industry have hearts of gold. I love them. More empowerment, less stigma, more education. I had some really amazing clients who really shifted the ground I walked on. All due to mutual understanding, compassion, and honoring boundaries.
If you talk to any women who has modeled, bartended, danced, cuddled, offered companionship, offered massage, offered intimacy coaching etc etc or any person centered service you will find so much crossover in lue of boundary crossing. The service hardly matters.
I don’t want to upset anyone. I speak from my own lived experience.