Long distance

Comments

• CuddleDuncan Mod

  April 18 edited April 18

  No. I mean yes sure, these are all great, do them all by all means but they won't keep the connection.

  There are two things that do keep the connection and you need both. One, an absolute determination by both parties to do so. Two, actual communication: being in each others lives.

  My ex-partner and I had to live apart for a while. As you know, all long distance relationships ultimately fail. Ours survived by unshakeable rules. We spoke every single day on the phone, for an hour if possible. No exceptions. Having your phone stolen or being taken to hospital in an ambulance is not an excuse. (Both happened to her, and both times she called.)

  Two, we were fortunate in being just close enough to spend every single weekend together. It was a lot of travelling and expense but again no exceptions except one, when she had a compulsory work course. (We contemplated me being in the same city but it would have been pointless.)

  If you want to keep current you must understand what's going on in each other's lives. You do that by talking to each other properly, none of this texting rubbish. And regular pebbling (3,4,6,7) rapidly just becomes a chore.

  We had videocalling in principle but it was not a Thing. (Too long ago.) Today, when quality is amazing and its free, they could just have it on a lot of the time. Evenings, weekend mornings.

  Oh, and they must have a proper SMART plan for reuniting, with targets that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Anything longer than 3 years (e.g. a PhD) is fantasy.

  To those about to say, "Oh but my friends Tom and Barbara ....". Yes they are the exception that proves the rule. Remember that 90% of serious relationships fail when the people are living in the same house. And in this case you don't just have survive the separation, you have to survive being reunited as well and that can be worse.

  Having watched this go wrong dozens of times was the only reason I was able to make it work, under the easiest circumstances imaginable.

  The timezone difference here is only two hours, in and of itself that should be manageable. But 3-4 hour flight time so with tough jobs they are not going to manage every weekend, or even fortnightly. Seems like they may be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

  Sorry. I know that's not what you wanna hear!

  (And yes, when I first watched these kind of relationships the only option available was number 1. Some years later, I remember my first videocall too - it took a team of engineers a whole day to set up the gear. Somebody somewhere had to book time on the satellite.)

  ---

  Pop Quiz: which popular BBC TV sitcom from the 1970s is referred to in the post above? (Hint: it's not Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python wasn't a sitcom.) It was good enough to be shown in the USA, under a different but similar name.
• Huggycatbear

  April 18

  I have a similar situation with my ex-gf, @consciousseeker. She lives in Paris. We both get on whatsapp and we do texting back and forth to update each other. We also do voice recordings. And we share pics. And that's about it, honestly. FaceTime does sound good with you two.

  I think the key is to update each other on your lives and also trade pics on your adventures.
• consciousseeker

  April 18

  @CuddleDuncan Thank you for your detailed thoughts. I would let him know the importance of consistent talking and hearing each other’s day.
  They do talk everyday. It’s been 2 months and they had spent 3 weekends out of 8 and they plan to spend 1-2 weekends every month.
  My OP probably should have been with more clarity.
  Additional ideas to keep the connection in intact while being away/those days they don’t spend in person.
• CuddleDuncan Mod

  April 18

  Sounds like they've made a good start then. 3/8 isn't bad in those circumstances.
• great_pillow08

  April 18 edited April 18

  When I was a preteen, I met someone who lived 2 1/2 hours away and TO THIS DAY 29 years later, he’s STILL my “soulmate” (just without all the implied physical attraction). It was the hand written letters, the long distance phone calls while watching the same show but not the same episode (although we were in the same time zone??), him helping me with my pre algebra homework, and just being available when I needed to talk (until we were old enough to get jobs and pay the long distance phone bills ourselves!). I’ve always been an extreme introvert so I didn’t have “in person” friends. The remarkably strong emotional attachment has just always been there between us. He always answers when I call and if he hits the “f you button”, I KNOW it’s because he’s at work (he’s an ER nurse- I CAN WAIT!!) and he’ll call me RIGHT back the first chance he gets. The 11 yr old in me STILL thinks he “hung the moon” for me- we’re just not compatible as more than friends, but DANG do I not know how I’d breathe without him!! 😲