Cuddling while practicing celibacy

Comments

• cuddlefaery

  May 26 edited May 26

  First - welcome to the site! And congrats on making a decision in support of yourself despite it being unpopular in our society.

  It's an unfortunate side effect of how our society socializes people to get ALL of their needs met by romantic partners, heteronormativity, and narrow gender roles. A lot of people are also woefully lacking in social-emotional skills and self-awareness. But you're not alone - I was introduced to platonic cuddling events by an asexual friend, go through extended periods of celibacy myself, and I know there's a decent number of people on this site who are likewise celibate for one reason or another.

  The biggest steps you can take are:

  • set strict boundaries on what behavior/touch you will and will not allow. Don't allow yourself to let people push your boundaries - throw up a stop sign the moment anyone attempts to circumvent your boundaries. Remember - we set boundaries to dictate our own behavior, not to try to control others as we can only ethically control ourselves.
  • communicate expectations, boundaries, and needs early, often, and directly
  • come up with a solid vetting plan for prospective cuddle partners. Look up ways you can weed out potential problematic or incompatible people. Pro cuddlers and the Pro Cuddling forums can be a great resource.

  I also highly recommend seeking out local ace & celibacy social/support groups - NYC had a thriving community for both. Most ace communities will embrace you even if you yourself don't identify as such.

  And finally - cuddling with other celibate people, or people who have a sexual orientation that excludes you can be a much safer option. For the first couple of years, I almost exclusively cuddled with hetero women, ace folks, and trans/non-binary people who expressed needing similar safe space. It took the pressure off of interactions and allowed me to relax into the experience. These populations also tend to have much higher literacy on consent & boundaries.
• MTex

  May 26

  Good for you & welcome!

  I am also celibate. It's definitely possible to cuddle & stay true to your conviction.

  Boundaries are very important, vetting potential partners, & being alert to red flags🚩 There's several threads discussing red flags & what to look for in conversations & behaviors.

  Also just because someone gives themselves a label doesn't mean they are safe. You have to listen to what they say, how they act, & if they listen to your boundaries or try to negotiate them. 🚫

  Unfortunately, someone who identified themselves to me as asexual kept trying to push my boundaries & negotiate what I felt comfortable with. After I attended a cuddle group I felt more empowered by the consent exercises to protect myself.

  I hope you find safe cuddle partners who respect your boundaries 🤗
• cuddlefaery

  May 26

  Unfortunately, someone who identified themselves to me as asexual kept trying to push my boundaries & negotiate what I felt comfortable with. After I attended a cuddle group I felt more empowered by the consent exercises to protect myself.

  @MTex well said, and also 🤮
• MTex

  May 26

  @cuddlefaery Thank you. I appreciate your suggestions as well.

  Sometimes when we are new or in a vulnerable state others try to take advantage of that. I think consent exercises are invaluable to keeping everyone safe, comfortable, & connected.