@Brandi having loved ones and even myself go through periods of depression + executive dysfunction issues causing difficulty with self-care and hygiene, I also have complete sympathy with others struggling.
I may be in the minority in this, but generally bad breath and body odor are not deal breakers for me. Even though I'm very sensitive to strong odors, I've found that the nose very quickly becomes scent-blind to body odors. A lot of times, people may not even realize they smell bad to others either due to the way our brain processes sensory input or general lack of self-awareness. I watched a fantastic documentary on human sense of smell and they pointed out a glaring fact - the human brain is a master of filtering olfactory inputs. After all: it's basically impossible to smell the inside of your own nose past a few hours post birth. If our brains didn't become nose-blind to scents, we'd cons
While connecting through this site I stick with the rules - but I keep in mind that even if someone showers & brushes their teeth right before arriving, they may still have odors that no deodorant or mouthwash is going to cover. There are dozens of medical issues that cause difficult to treat odors. I also recognize that personal hygiene standards are extremely tied to culture and upbringing. Scent is also very personal - what smells amazing to one can smell horrible to another. For some people, even normal clean human smell can smell "bad" and they only believe that through fragrancing the body is truly "clean".
In session, if there's a smell bothers me, I just adjust positions 🤷🏻♀️ if it truly is an inescapable scent that is triggering me, I'll frame it as that: this scent is triggering my own issues - would you be willing to accommodate me? I don't assume that anyone owes me changing how they care for their body. If I know them well and it seems like they may be going through a period of self-neglect, I may bring up my own struggles with that as an opener. But I've never had to end a session because of hygiene or odors.
Due to my own sensitivities, I do always appreciate when people ask about scented products first or other hygiene expectations rather than assuming. I much prefer normal body odor over strong perfume/cologne, or strong mint in my face.
@penguin34 thats amazing that you were able to provide all that and ended up having an amazing cuddle! I’ve personally had people ask me to shower in my place but I have declined because I feel my shower is my sacred space that I don’t want others to use. Many years ago I did let someone use my shower and he left a mess of man juice.. felt completely grossed out and disrespected. never again. 🤢
@cuddlefaery yes I agree. While I am sensitive to smells I’ve accepted that it’s part of the territory and some of the cuddles I’ve had with people who struggle in that area have honestly been some of the better cuddles company-wise, and feel like people who struggle with depression need hugs the Most ♥️ so I wouldn’t turn someone away for those reasons.
This is the inevitable outcome of "are u available now" 🤢
ORAL HYGIENE GEEK OUT ALERT:
First of all, although I can’t imagine not every adult knowing this, having even the slightest particles of food stuck between your teeth and gums can quickly manifest into a bacteria-fest. Brushing can’t reach everywhere, and mouthwash and mints are only short term stopgaps.
More importantly, flossing is HUUUUGE in preventing gum disease / recession of your gums away from your teeth. Gently flossing digs into that and dislodges food particles, thereby keeping bacteria, irritation and bad breath down. Go ahead and try flossing now, then smell the floss, especially if there’s a food particle. I know it sounds gross but if you smell something bad then boom there it is!
In addition, the stimulation of doing so oxygenates the tissue and helps keep your gums pink and healthy.
And like anything else there are right and wrong ways so watch a YouTube video and ask your dentist or dental hygienist to show you because it is possible to floss too hard and do damage.
And while you’re there, ask them what your margin measurements are (I believe 1-3mm is normal but ask them). That should give you good indication of where your oral health is headed. There are also other things that contribute to that, but you can ask them as well.
Flossing is hugely beneficial and it just takes like a minute or two every night yet so many people don’t! I’ve never done a survey on here, but I would be curious to see what percentage of people out there floss daily. I myself 1x/day sometimes 2 if there’s a particular spot that catches food. I know it ain’t a sexy topic but hey, it is oh so important.
And yes, I walked a walk on this, so much to the point that I even mentioned in my profile that I am an avid flosser. I told you it was a geek alert. OK now I need a nap!
This has been a public service announcement. This post will self-destruct in 10 seconds, but I hope not.
-M
If it wasn't a problem, it wouldn't need to be >mentioned.
👍👍👍👍👍
@BlueIris Exactly and thank you! 😀
Yes, it's a shame grown ups need to be told basic hygiene.
👏👏👏👏👏👏
@BlueIris You are on a roll! Thank you again! 😁 And YES, it is a damn shame but it is what it is. 👍
Lol 🤣🤣🤣
I smell up stinky in case I need to opt out.
@TheFunCartel well if that's the plan, at least it's a solid one.
@mauvefox I think so. Or should I say I stink so.
It’s the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” scenario…and I can prove it!
I can't wrap my head around why someone would show up anything less than crisp and clean!!! Think it's some of that hippie soap and deodorant, that's probably healthier....and definitely stinkier?
@cuddlefaery that's a beautiful insight, and one gained through struggle. Thank you for sharing that. Being transparent is an expression of strength, and I admire it so highly.
@Dayenu thank you, though having empathy when you have shared experience is easy. It's when we don't have the same experiences that it gets harder.
I know I definitely used to harshly judge people who smelled bad or looked dirty.
And then my own physical and mental health issues took a toll and I learned the hard way how difficult it can be to take care of social niceties and self-care when everything is too much to handle.
People's struggles have nothing, and yet everything, to do with us. We never know when the person struggling to fit in, to make ends meet, to appear like they have it together will be one of our loved ones, or even ourselves.
Most people who have met me would never be able to tell I sometimes go weeks without bathing, days without brushing my teeth, a month without properly washing my hair. That I've had to figure out hacks in order to meet the so called "bare minimum" many on this site require or claim should be easy. I have an easier time making the effort for others than I do for myself, so they never realize how much effort I have to put out to appear like I'm functioning. Those of us with chronic illnesses, physical or mental, often struggle with imposter syndrome because we hear and see people harshly judging others for what we know we struggle with silently in private. I just wish more people realized how all the praising of "good hygiene" and negative comments and jokes about "bad hygiene" don't help anyone, and can actively cause harm.
One of my favorite quotes from a content creator: "care tasks are morally neutral." People who struggle with them are not bad people who lack respect for others or themselves - they lack skills, time, energy, or physical capabilities.
Thank you for that incredibly nuanced and vulnerable post, @cuddlefaery That was perspective I didn't realize I needed. xoxo
@cuddlefaery as always your shares bring vulnerability and added insight.
@SpicyNSweet @mauvefox glad y'all found it useful. You have no idea how many times I edited and re-edited, hoping I wasn't over sharing or trauma dumping 😅
I agree with BlueIris on both points. We are adults, and ought to understand how to do basic, regular maintenance on our bodies. It's also a point of respect. If you don't shower, brush your teeth, and so forth before meeting someone, especially knowing that you're going to be spending time in close proximity, then that's just being disrespectful to them. If you're meeting after work, bring a change of clothes and shower and freshen up after you arrive. But alas, if everyone had the basic decency to do so before cuddling, then it wouldn't need to be mentioned on so many profiles. Really makes you wonder.
@cuddlefaery I thought it was a brave self share and shed a very different light possible reasons. Although like you said in an earlier comment, I think some people just don’t smell themselves sometimes. Nose blind is a thing I guess. 🤷♀️
@penguin34 i also found your story so touching that you were able to provide all that for that individual. So above and beyond and amazing.
And @Brandi thank you for your perspective on it as well.
I believe the rules say within 12nhours you must have showered and brushed teeth. I know myself and many other pros have said to each other how much we wish they would change that to within a couple hours of a cuddle session. If I'm hosting I always let them know they are welcome to shower first and I won't count that time into the session. And often if I'm traveling far and it's hit out ONeill ask if I can take a quick shower when I'm a guest for a cuddle. And if thats it possible I at very least have baby wipes with me and might ask for paper towels. And I always brush my teeth when I arrive. But I have had many clients that you can tell they've not brushed since that morning or they showered maybe that morning but not before the session.
I agree that this is a post that should not be required but the reality is that some people need to see this and respond accordingly. And no, Dude Wipes does not replace a shower! LOL!
I would also add that your meal the night before can affect body odor so be mindful of what you eat and give your body at least 24 hours to process strong odors that come from certain foods. Along with that, if you don't shower on a daily basis, it would be a good idea to commit to showering at least 3 days in a row before the session because the body cannot get deep cleaned with one shower if there are layers of dead skin and funk sitting there. I know this because there are times when I don't shower every day for various reasons, and I can tell the difference. Our noses will get used to the smell so we need to keep in mind that just because we can't smell ourselves does not mean others won't smell us.
Overall, be respectful to your cuddle partner and make sure you are as odor free as possible especially considering how close you will be during the session.
@Bill1975 Korean exfoliating mitts. Game changer my friend. You’ll wonder how you thought you were ever clean before. 😂 especially for those occasions when we’ve been out roughing it and away from the comforts of modern plumbing for a few days. It will be the newest you’ve ever felt. 😁
@mauvefox, thanks for the tip! I will check it out.
@mauvefox I love those things. They even work on my super sensitive, eczema-prone skin if I avoid flared areas. They even help because they allow lotions and treatments to penetrate better.
And while nose-blindness is definitely a thing, I also think a lot of people overestimate what is necessary for being "hygienic". If I showered daily, my poor skin barrier would freak the hell out. Bathing less frequently actually vastly improved my skin health and hair greasiness 🤷🏻♀️ some level of benevolent neglect can be useful for some folks.
Like I said, I'll still shower the day of a cuddle and brush my teeth immediately before - but I'm not going to compromise my health for someone else's ideas on what is "clean", especially given that the science and medical professionals do not support excessive focus on "hygiene".
@cuddlefaery incompletely agree. Especially when most folks are using harsh soaps on their skin every day. It’s actually not great for skin integrity and health.
@mauvefox my skin actually crawls & itches at the thought of overusing soap. I love soap, especially for hand washing to prevent germ spread. But I've had enough fungal infections, dermatitis, and eczema flares from overuse to last me a lifetime 😭
@cuddlefaery if you read the wicked books, Elphaba bathed herself using scented oils and then would wipe it off with a cloth. I always loved that idea.
@mauvefox oil cleaning absolutely works and has been used for thousands of years 🙂 from using olive oil, animal fats, cold creams, or now the ever popular cleansing oils for double cleansing. When my barrier is super compromised, tap water burns like a mf and using distilled water gets expensive and wasteful. I've definitely used various oils or oil-based cleansers with emulsifiers to bathe, on the advice of dermatologists. It's my go-to for removing spf & makeup, too, as it's just more effective (like dissolves like).
My own nerdy deep dive into hygiene:
personal hygiene product companies literally have invented problems for their products to resolve, when the problems didn't exist before.
The myths that persist around historical personal hygiene are largely due to ignorance and the narratives pushed by companies that have major skin in the game (every pun intended). Note, this isn't the same as the discovery of germs, infection prevention, and public health measures to reduce community-level issues. But people historically haven't just gone around not caring about hygiene, smelling bad, not bathing, and not caring for their teeth. Modern methods may be more effective, but that doesn't mean historical practices weren't. And in some cases, historical methods have ended up being the better option backed by science with modern methods following in trends.
As with everything, nuance is important. When you've struggled with self-care due to chronic health issues, you tend to start exploring alternative options that can work in tandem with what is currently popular.
I think it definitely makes for better cuddles. 😊 I always like to shower and be fresh before meeting someone too, it just makes the whole experience more comfortable, relaxing, and enjoyable for both people.
Definitely don’t have lunch which contains garlic, onions before meeting or cigarettes. Mouthwash doesn’t know hide any of that.
My question is, has anyone ever had to pause a session because of this? 🫠 How do you usually handle it?
I never want anyone to feel embarrassed or self-conscious. So unless it's something that's really noticeable, I usually don't say anything in the moment. Instead, I'll gently mention it before the next session. But then I sometimes wonder if that's doing them a bit of a disservice. I don't know.
If I'm hosting and someone is coming straight from work or rushing over after a long day (because life happens), I always try to remember to let them know they're more than welcome to arrive about 10 minutes early to freshen up if they didn't get the chance beforehand.
I always shower before a session.