Does anyone else lack confidence to meet people?

Comments

• TxTom

  July 4

  Does anyone else lack confidence to meet people?

  No.

  But for folks who are extremely shy, this site offers a friendly, no-pressure environment.

  Once you begin communicating, perhaps you'll feel comfortable with actually meeting. And it should get easier for you with every new connection you make.
• cuddlefaery

  July 4

  There's a difference between shyness, introversion, and social anxiety. I spent most of my life believing I was just introverted and shy....and gradually came to realize through therapy that much of what I was chalking up to those was actually pretty severe social anxiety. I couldn't even manage to order food in restaurants on my own - and I actually still struggle with that sort of interaction with a stranger sometimes.

  I went the opposite direction as far as relationships, though. From the time I was a junior in highschool, I went from relationship to relationship, relying on my partners to emotionally anchor me. I was extremely codependent - my entire identity was wrapped up in how my partners saw me. I lost myself in my relationships to avoid having to confront my own mental health and self-confidence issues. When I hit my mid 20s I had a bit of a mental breakdown which prompted me to finally start getting professional help.

  Being scared doesn't make you not brave. Being scared and doing something anyway makes you brave. I gradually learned to raise my tolerance for anxiety-inducing interactions through safe experiences. For me, small group interactions were the gateway to feeling more comfortable one-on-one. I joined support groups, hobby groups, and eventually local cuddling events.

  My advice: find one activity or person who feels "safe enough", and then just go for it. You know it'll be hard at first, that it'll be scary, but you may surprise yourself with how quickly you adapt - especially since you've already done so much self-work. It's not unlike plunging into cold water... Your body tenses up, everything in your brain tries to convince you it's a bad idea, but you jump in anyway knowing that the discomfort will be momentary and the joy you'll experience from taking the chance is absolutely worth it.

  Just make sure you get your first cuddle partners extremely well. It only takes one bad experience to set back your progress and make it harder to keep growing. Look for people who are not only kind, compassionate, and patient, but who also have formal training working with trauma and anxiety.
• mauvefox

  July 4

  I completely relate to what you’re talking about. Historically, I’ve gone back and forth between completely avoiding relationships and meeting new people, and the opposite, like cuddlefaery talked about, throwing myself into relationships.

  I think I’m in such a better place now after a lot of personal work and I’m glad you’re also getting the help you need.

  Your comfort is yours to protect. You take as long as you want. The people who are interested in forging a friendship with you won’t put pressure on you and it sounds like you’ve found exactly that so far and I’m so happy that you have.

  I’m glad you found your way here. And that you’ve had successes so far. I love what you’ve contributed here. ☺️
• Michael4060

  July 4

  Nope. I just try to treat them as a friend or someone I wish to know wrapped up in realizing he/she is a child of God. Sometimes I fail, but that's part of the learning and humbling process.
• Comet85

  July 4

  I struggle with anxiety a lot, definitely when anticipating meeting new people. I’ve had some really great experiences meeting people I’ve met on this site. Because one part of the focus of this site is the need for physical touch and human connection, that acts as an easy ice breaker and makes it easier to open up and be vulnerable, like anyone here is a little less of a stranger right off the bat. That has really helped
• SensitiveHippy

  July 4 edited July 4

  Thank you all so much, I wasn’t quite expecting so many thoughtful replies ❤️

  @TxTom, That’s exactly what I needed reminding of… that there isn’t actually any pressure here, except perhaps the pressure I keep putting on myself. I definitely feel more comfortable than I did when I first arrived ✨🙏

  @cuddlefaery Your words were really awesome, resonating with me (especially the distinction between shyness, introversion and social anxiety). I think I’ve probably blurred those ideas / compartments together over the years. Thanks so much for also being so open about your own journey. It can’t have been easy to write those words, but they really helped me 🙏

  Your analogy about plunging into cold water made me smile because that’s exactly what it feels like!!!!! Every instinct is saying “don’t!”, while another quieter voice is saying “but what if this is wonderful?” I think I might possibly need to listen to that quieter voice a little more often 🙏💜

  The funny thing is I’m often thought of by people… by my friends, as being really social, positive, and even extroverted at times …

  … I’ve worked and been best friends with a band for two decades, so have gone on the road with them many times, which has always required me to meet new people every day… I throw myself into that and love that version of reality but somehow this compartment of my life which I long to experience eludes me! I have a performance art practice too, which to a lot of people is evidence that I’m brave, but it’s just me being me! You’re really insightful @cuddlefaery 😊🙏

  @mauvefox Thank you so much, too 🙏💜 “Your comfort is yours to protect.” Such beautiful words!! Wow thank you so also for your kind words about my contribution so far!!!!

  @michael4060 I’m not really a religious person, however your words were also really beautiful, thank you 🙏

  I totally agree, everyone out there is seeking the same basic things, love and kindness, and every single person out there deserves that. This is the problem I think with social media, it creates tremendously polarised realities and divisions, which don’t often allow people to talk with each other and, if not always respect differences of opinion, respect each others humanity (as corny as those words are to read back)!!

  I’m pretty much convinced that if the vision of love and respect that this microcosmic community represents could be spread around the world, there would be way less chaos!!

  @comet85 thank you, too 🙏 it’s kind of an enormous relief to know that I’m not the only person here who finds meeting people kind of terrifying!! I guess you’re right, we’re all here with a shared, magical purpose and in a way, we’re united through that purpose and less like strangers to one another as a result of that.

  Thanks so much everyone 🙏💜
  Bet I need to edit this, but am kind of feeling lazy so am just going to post it…
  Xxxxx
• cuddlefaery

  July 4

  @SensitiveHippy us performing arts folks are generally quite good at masking in social situations. I come off as way more extraverted in work or social groups where I'm comfortable, and way more introverted in large crowds or with people I don't know well. I learned to perform when the occasion called for it 🤷🏻‍♀️ problem is, that takes up a ton of physical and mental energy and I end up crashing afterwards 🙃
• SensitiveHippy

  July 4

  @cuddlefaery and yet, the contradiction / paradox is that although I often wish I was more ‘this’ or ‘that’, and that life wasn’t sometimes such a struggle … I wouldn’t change this (creative life) for any other!!

  Anyway, probably about time I actually met someone then 😂😂 … well, eventually!!
• cuddlefaery

  July 4

  @SensitiveHippy the challenge for me has always been finding balance to pushing myself enough for healthy challenge, vs pushing myself too hard and having it backfire, or not enough and stagnating.
• mauvefox

  July 4

  @SensitiveHippy
  The thing that helps me here, is cuddling is one of the most effective ways I’ve found that I can ground myself. So I take my time getting to know folks here first. Then when we do meet up it’s not usually for coffee but to jump right into a cuddle. That way I’m nervous but also in the place where I calm down the fastest. And during a cuddle there’s no such thing as awkward silences. You’re not sitting across from each other staring at each other (my nightmare 😂). You’re in a cuddle with someone that you’ve been talking to and getting to know.
• disneysamurai

  July 4

  One thing I’m glad is people out and about don’t seem to care as much if you have social anxiety/shyness as they did, say, 30 years ago. I used to get a lot of flack for it back then but now when you go out and about everyone has some sort of anxiety of some sort.
• Carrie_Anne

  July 5

  @disneysamurai
  I’ve realized that because - just as I might be caught up in my own insecurities, so are they.
• JohnR1972

  July 5

  @SensitiveHippy
  Welcome to the community that some people call the island of misfit toys. We all have our different reasons for being here but they can usually be sorted into just a couple of categories.

  I have no anxiety about meeting new people, my work involves meeting a continual stream of new people. Most are just brief, transactional encounters to casual acquaintances. However, a few have turned into lifelong friends.

  I am still an introvert at heart but 30+ years ago I learned how to temporarily “turn it off” when circumstances required me to become an extrovert.
• waynewv

  July 5 edited July 5

  I was nervous when I first joined. I found a local Pro that was only a few miles away and I must have read her profile over 1/2 dozen times. I was thinking a beautiful young lady would not want to cuddle up with an old guy like me. I even typed a few messages but then deleted them just before I hit the send button.
  I finally did sent a message and she agreed to meet me at a local ice cream shop that we both loved. So after we chatted a bit she agreed to meet up for a cuddle and she made me so much at ease I fell asleep 😴.
  We have been cuddling for years now, so glad I took that 1st step .
• great_pillow08

  July 5

  @SensitiveHippy What you’re experiencing is totally normal! When I first joined several years ago, I was just getting out of a hellacious relationship. I didn’t have affectionate parents and I was in my late 20s before I even realized I felt a void because of it. I have a social anxiety and it can cause panic attacks. Breathing exercises help me immensely!

  Finding a cuddle buddy took A LOT of patience (SOME people here are saints, not gonna lie!). It was BEYOND awkward for me and I squirmed like a fish. I talked too fast and probably too much. Most of my first cuddle buddies aren’t even on this site anyone, but we still cuddle when our schedules align.

  This takes patience. Give yourself time! Get to know someone via messaging ON THIS SITE (I CAN NOT stress the importance of NOT giving out your phone number too soon or switching to WhatsApp or SnapChat- HARD NO!!) and go from there. Open communication is HUGE! If you need to switch positions, say something! If you’re just not “feeling the vibe” anymore, say something! You’ll know when you’ve met the right cuddle buddy (just PLEASE abide by the rules as clearly stated on the homepage. They’re REALLY NOT as broad as A LOT of people seem to think they are!)..

  There’s someone I’ve been talking to on this site for 7 years and we’ve yet to meet up… It just hasn’t happened for whatever reason, but I’m looking forward to when it does! I have sky high anxiety so safe shoulders to shut my head off on? Yes, please!!

  Good luck!! hugs
• trysdet

  July 5

  Too old to worry about it anymore but I wish you the best
• frankchaos

  July 5

  I will start off by mentioning something that got brought up in a post on a eds- hypermobile support page ( let it be known though, that I do not advocate or suggest this particular avenue of actions to address ANY related issue; particularly and especially if raised in America where there seems to be an increased lack of learned self-control and will power that tends to contribute to a higher risk of over-indulgent/ addictive type behavior and mentality. This is purely to explain and share my journey in the social struggles being discussed)
  Alcohol for over a decade helped get me lose enough inhibitions to have consistent social interactions for long enough to re-wire my nervous system to be much more tolerant to sober social interactions when I no longer was reliant on that crutch. (It was also a form of self medicating pain management for me which is one of the reasons that particular 'two birds with one stone' option ended up the most used in my toolbox).
  That being said, i have come a VERY LONG WAY from the debilitating anxiety that had me missing out/ internally insulting myself/ feeling like I was wasting away the life and opportunities I had.
  I have learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable/ awkward and find that most of the people that I attract and vice versa tend to resonate with that affinity.
  People would often ask if I would get rid of my anxiety if i could get rid of it completely, to which i would reply no, because the anxiety it's self was useful for being aware and prepared for any dissatisfying occurrences that could crop up. It was only the debilitating type of overly encompassing anxiety that i found to be negative.
  Even when I was a prolific poly amorous relationship anarchist with almost too many partners, I had many reoccurring moments of debilitating anxiety, and still do; which I have learned to give myself grace for and be okay with the feeling of embarrassment that comes with those experiences and acceptance that the possibilities of those moments happening at any given point is a very real possibility.
  My turning point (other than the end of over a decade long relationship and subsequent depression that grew out of the discordant coupling I tried to make work for entirely way too long) was my diagnosis with ehlers-danlos and the very real possibility of the continuing loss and degeneration of any ability I have left to accomplish the things i desired and who I wanted to be in the rest of my life.
  I understand this experience isn't going to be something most will have to actuate the change of feelings into action type drive, and the phrases like 'live like you will die tomorrow' does little towards the comparable drive that comes from ACTUALLY dying tomorrow situation.
  For this, I can only say that I hope for others to be able to experience their own deep, primordial activation of drive sooner than later that helps keep a consistent fire smoldering in a useful manner to maintain the mentality to make most use of the finite opportunities we each have in our respective lives.