Avoidant - Not just this website

SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee
in General

It may be due to me being a man?

In real life, of my friends are female mostly in their mid 30's. A few in 40's or my age.

The female friends I have met in real life and spend time with, pay their own way - holidays, camping, or festivals. We just get on and vibe. Had some epic times together.

I am trying to make male friends of any age but isn't working as not into 'man stuff' of making my car go faster, or drinking 15 pints of lager 😆

On a few other apps for friendship ... females, want to chat but not want to meet in real life.

In England ... not a complaint ... just an observation.

How is it going for you?

Comments

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    Making friends as an adult is difficult. It's not like when you're in school or college and spend a lot of time with peers. With work peers as adults, often professional boundaries get in the way of becoming actual friends that hang out in free time. Parents often end up becoming friends with their children's parents, because again it's built in socializing. But for the rest of us, it ends up taking more effort to put ourselves out there.

    One thing that has worked well for me, as an introvert who mostly prefers to hermit at home: find local interest groups and events. Pick a hobby or 3 that you're into and find local groups that do that hobby together.

    • Into gaming? Card shops and meetups host game nights regularly.
    • Like to play an instrument and sing? Even if you're a newbie or not very good, open mic nights and jam sessions will welcome you.
    • Always wanted to learn to do salsa or swing dancing? Local studios are always DYING for single men without partners (I cannot emphasize this enough - I always have to be the lead because I am tall and there's never enough men).
    • into LARPing or other nerdy activities? There's a surprising number of groups even in rural areas.
    • like to do arts & crafts of any sort? There's bound to be people who gather to do it together. Knitting, miniature painting, legos, balloon animals - I've seen it all

    Meetup.com, Nextdoor groups, FB Groups, Eventbrite, Reddit, bulletin boards at colleges/coffee shops/co-ops/libraries - all are places to look for like-minded folks.

    And then you just have to bite the bullet and go! The worst that can happen: it's not your jam or it's awkward, and you leave - you never have to see them again, so no harm, no foul. But best case? You make an instant new group of friends to hang out with, and they can even network you with other groups you'd fit into!

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    Thank you for the cuddlefaery for putting the time and energy into your the reply.

    I'm more of an extrovert - ENFJ 🤗

    Not into gaming, instruments, or singing, dance, crafts, or larping.

    Walks, Reiki, spiritual stuff, conscious festivals, old retro gaming stuff (before multi-player was a thing unless there were two joysticks on the arcade machine). I'm vegan, and quite left-of-centre 😆

    Have met 1 person on the BFF app - then their partner decided I was a threat ... 😔

    Meetup locally seems to be full of people much older than me ... and I'm mid 50's 😆 and I don't think they will be vegan/spiritual hippies ... the blue-rinse spinster brigade. Rest of Meetup seems to be going to Steak houses for meals 🥲

    Most of the spiritual socials around me are for women only as apparently men can't be spiritual.

    I did join the local political party here to see if I could find some friends ... and although there was one vegan ... they were quite intense so passed on that.

    Eventbrite - I do go for local walks on this - not made any friends though apart to talk to when out and about.

    Did make a new local friend at a festival, festival was not local to me - lots of cuddles etc at the festival. Then it stopped as soon we got home. In fairness it did take 4 days for her to ask 1 single question about me so 😆😆😆 no real loss. Cuddles were good.

    I do meet loads of other new friends (and lots of cuddles) whenever I go to a festival but generally they live a LONG way away from me and it'd be 4 to 7 hours to get to them which is too much.

    There is a Vegan Facebook group - and a few have woo woo - but they are already in my social circle and have different agendas as have young children.

    Living on the coast reduces the amount of people by 50% (unless they have gills) - though lucky to be only an hour and a bit away from Brighton - and might take myself off there solo for a long weekend.

    Do have a few besties, some are vegan, they are not in cuddles which is a shame.

    Have a Reiki business - so I do get paid to do 'cuddles' (sort of) but I seem to resolve whatever is going on for them based on the reviews and they don't return 😆😆😆

  • SnuggleFroggieSnuggleFroggie

    2 out of 3 of my closest girlfriends were former neighbors. The other I have known since high school but we haven't seen each other since COVID. My best male friend I met in college but he died a couple of years ago. Have you tried a retro gaming arcade? I went to a barcade in Indianapolis a lot while dating someone. He drank my required drink lol. I go to free concerts, art events, shopping fairs but I am too shy to interact with anyone except the pie lady. Just keep trying.

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    Ya know it’s possible, and wise, to make friends with people who aren’t just carbon copies of us. 🤷🏽‍♀️ My friends run the gamut and have been met in just about every space one can imagine.

  • MelNYCMelNYC

    As someone who lived in the UK for ages, I find this especially true amongst British men. My best mate is in his early 40s and doesn’t have a single guy friend to speak of. Not for lack of wanting one. He just isn’t traditionally masculine and has always connected better with women. I’m actually going to be the Best Man (Best Ma’am?) at his wedding! Another early 40s male friend has two friends from school that he’s known for years but they all have families now and there’s little emotional connecting. Just the occasional getting together to reminisce on the old days. He’s married with a kid but feels really lonely because he doesn’t have any local friends to just spend time with and connect with.

    It’s an epidemic everywhere but I find the easiest way to make friends is to just be gregarious and talk to everyone. I know it goes against everything your culture tells you to do (don’t I know it 🥲) but it’s a great way to find other people who are also seeking to connect. It’s a tough world out there.

    Worst case scenario: join a cycling club 😂

  • TreasureHuntedTreasureHunted

    I'm not quite sure what you're looking for, are you trying to make male friends or are you trying to meet more females from the bff apps? The question and explanation doesn't seem to match up in my mind.

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @SnuggleFroggie Ah I have a few lovely friends! No cuddle buddies - I don't want romance or intimacy. Just platonic connection. Thank you!

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @TheMidnightOwl Yes - this! Bestie is ESTJ, I am ENFJ - we struggle some times, and just working out a 3 month break. We have helped each other so much over the past three years grow and be amazing - we have turned each others lights on!

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @MelNYC Ahh -- congrats on being the Best Person for your friend! I do have friends - no cuddle buddies that are local. I did have sort of a cuddle buddy locally, I didn't realise it at the time - they had a moment (breakdown) and unfortunately they pinned that on me rather than realising their poor emotional maturity. My boundaries are good. I am pleased for them though it was difficult at the time to let it go.

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @TreasureHunted I am an equal gender opportunities friend. I seem to be okay in tune with men who like other men. I am straight. Also men who are non-binary. I have been told that I give out a feminine vibe by lots of people. Straight men at festivals do pick up my vibe and ask for a hug! This is so nice. Looking for a regular local cuddly buddy, nothing sexual and not romantic. If they end up being a friend at the same time that's okay too.

  • Nature_Lover_Nature_Lover_

    Two of my best girlfriends I met in the gym! Some gyms ( martial arts in my experience ) can be very tight knit and become more like family.

    Made some amazing friends on this very platform! 🫶

    Let's not forget the tried and true work friends! Especially those that cross over into after work friends.

    It is challenging to connect with new people and find or build lasting friendships but it can be done and it's worth the energy. Wishing you all the best 💖

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @Nature_Lover_ - thank you for your reply!

    I haven't worked for 2 years in my role as IT sorta retired so unfortunately can't do that one! Do go to networking events so that sort of counts - met a few folks that could be friends with but don't think that'll happen! One did come over for paid Reiki - it was a lovely experience and she has the loveliest vibe.

    Have a good selection of friends, just nobody to cuddle (and cuddling clients, when they ask for it - it's not quite the same!).

    Off to my final festival of the year this weekend and know I'll get some get hugs.

    Thank you.

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    A typical outcome to a week chatting:

    I am actually deleting my account today, as I was only here because I was curious when I heard about the site...
    Was great meeting you, and sending you good will and lots of cuddly friends wishes ✨️🤝🦋👍💯💛😊

  • ProfHermesProfHermes

    @Steeeeevee, don’t worry about it, people often sign up, then change their mind. I believe this is actually pretty common. If it makes you feel any better, I was talking to the same person as you, who sent me the exact same message, word for word, emoji for emoji, as what you just posted, before she deleted her account.

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @ProfHermes it is common, and such a waste of time. Almost feel that there needs to be a sign-up fee to get rid of those who are wasting the time of others. Sorry that your time was wasted too ... I'm in the UK and you in the US.

  • TxTomTxTom

    Never emotionally invest yourself in an internet profile.

  • SteeeeeveeSteeeeevee

    @TxTom I feel a lot, and energy put in. Would prefer to feel rather than be a robot or a sheep.

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