Ethical Principles and Best Practices

TisDoneyTisDoney
edited December 2018 in General

Ethical Principles and Best Practices:

You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt:

In all arranged sessions and interactions:

  • to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation

  • to understand clearly any and all rules that will apply to the session before entering into it

  • to be treated with courtesy

  • to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want that respect the websites rules and guidelines

  • to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time (for example, positions that violate your personal boundaries)

  • to be told the truth

  • to say no to requests (if you cannot say no to the request, it is not a request but a demand)

  • to hold and express differing points of view (for example, perhaps you believe in different religions or have different political views)

  • to feel all your emotions (emotions happen, and that's okay)

  • to feel and communicate your emotions and needs

  • to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs (you do NOT need to tell them details about your personal life or give out your personal contact information. You do not owe them any of it for any reason)

  • to set clear limits on the obligations you will make

  • to know that you will be able to work with the other person to resolve problems that arise

  • to grow and change (if you see this person on a regular basis)

  • to make mistakes (occasionally a hand might be too low for your comfort, addressing it and moving it and setting boundaries should be practiced at all times)

  • to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each person

  • to discuss with the person decisions that affect them (for example, if you were under the assumption it was going to be a public place and then they try switching it to their home without consent)

  • to enjoy special moments with each of the people you meet on this site (adding value to another person's life just because you want to, not because you have to... sometimes we should just do it first. Gratitude is one of the biggest things that can lead to genuine happiness)

  • to seek compromise (for example, paying travelling costs)

  • to have plans made with the other person be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons

  • to be treated as a peer like every other person, not as a subordinate

* to end a session

If you agree to these or think there should be revisions, I welcome them. I stole an outline from something called The Relationship Bill of Rights from a book called More Than Two (www.morethantwo.com) and edited the wording to reflect the kind of respect that everyone should experience in these cuddling sessions.

Also, please consider reading that book or visiting their website (I am in no way affiliated to them), it may just absolutely transform your life, it did me. It helps you recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships and teaches you vital relationship skills that we may not have been appropriately taught as a child. Heck, it may just help you find the right partner for you.

I also created a version of this list that I like to call The Friendship Bill of Rights. If you are interested in checking that out (similar format, slightly different), please let me know and I will post it in the comment section.

Thank you for reading and I hope it helps create a stronger consent culture that we all deserve.

Comments

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    Absolutely adore it. Great, clear outline!

    and I just may be meandering there this week sometime over one of my coffee morning sessions. ;)

    Thanks for sharing.

  • quietman775quietman775

    In general, I like what you are trying to do here. You are trying to codify a set of principles beyond "the rules." All of the specific rules ("wear this," or "don't touch someone there") arise out of the broader principles that are their foundation. Arriving at a broad consensus on these principles would help everybody have a happier and more fulfilling experience. But the devil, as they say, is in the details. My random thoughts follow. And let me say at the outset that these are offered without a hint of sarcasm or snark. Here goes:

    You called this "The Cuddler's Bill of Rights," but did you intend it to be "The Pro Cuddler's Bill of Rights?" Because the line about "the right to know that your client will work with you" is clearly addressed to pros. I'm just wondering if, in your mind, _all _of this is addressed primarily to pros, or if you mean pros and enthusiasts equally.

    "Rights" are tricky things. For starters, they have to originate somewhere. Who grants these cuddler's rights --- God? The government? The creator of this list? It is hard to assert any right if we can't prove how that right came into existence.

    Then there is the question of enforcement. Your right "to be free from coercion, violence, and intimidation" has legal teeth. Your "right to be treated with courtesy" ... not so much. No agency with enforcement powers will conclude your rights were violated because someone was rude to you. If no one can enforce the right but you, is it truly a right?

    Big-picture conceptualizing aside, some things here seem problematic. "The right to feel all your emotions" cannot possibly be violated. People might disapprove of what you are feeling, but they can't keep you from feeling it. So there would seem to be no need to assert the right.

    And "the right to enjoy special moments with each of your cuddlers?" If I book a session that turns out to be so ordinary and uninspiring that it contains no special moments, have my rights been violated? If yes, what recourse do I have?

    I fully endorse the right to be treated with courtesy. However, it's meaningless if courtesy is not defined. Many clients on this site have complained that their inquiries are ignored by enthusiasts and pros alike. They feel that that ignoring a polite and sincere message is inherently discourteous. However, the consensus in this community is that "no one owes you that," and to have any expectations of a reply is to act "entitled." So who decides what particular courtesies we have a right to?

    How are apparently conflicting rights resolved? One cuddler's "right to be told the truth" might conflict with another cuddler's "right to set boundaries concerning privacy needs."

    Maybe what you are attempting to list are not so much rights, but ethical principles and best practices. If you could come up with a list of best practices that serves pros and their clients equally, you will have done a great thing for the cuddle industry.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @quietman775: ?

    Ethical principles, best practices, ideals, things to strive for... this list is definitely all of that. I'd say, "Try for these things, work out conflict as best you can, and don't get too upset when things don't go your way."

    To call it a Bill of Rights—well, I think More Than Two, like many books, uses hyperbole. Good to point it out before anyone takes it literally!

  • cease2existcease2exist

    @TisDoney I've never seen you on here before, but I like you already. Good work.

  • acuddlefanacuddlefan

    @TisDoney I love that book. I also highly recommend "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino.
    This is a great place to start establishing cuddle guidelines. Thanks for sharing them and taking the time to adjust them for this community.

  • cuddle_catcuddle_cat

    ?

  • [Deleted User]garysmith (deleted user)

    Very good. I like the fact that's it's a set of guiding principles that focus on mutual respect, rather than a "set of rules", especially with regard to what types of touch are or are not permitted. A rules-based perspective might lead to a sense that consent is already given, by default, for it to be permissible for certain areas of the body to be touched, or certain types of touch to occur. For example, someone might enjoy a strong hug, but dislike having their hair stroked (for reasons that do not need to be explained - a simple "not there, thank you" is enough). And so, we respectfully explore what our partner enjoys or not. It's partly a journey of mutual discovery.

    While it is important to recognise that the website rules place a strong emphasis upon platonic cuddling, each individual will have their own private view about personal boundaries, and that's for the pair of cuddle buddies to work out together. I'm not suggesting, here, that anyone should attempt to explore beyond the website definition of "platonic", only to point out that a set of rules cannot mediate what a particular couple decide are their boundaries. However, couples should enter into their cuddle session on the basis that It is and will only ever be entirely platonic. For me, It's all about mutual respect.

  • [Deleted User]Papa_Smurf (deleted user)

    @TisDoney Love this. Thanks for the time you put into it.

  • trackcoachredtrackcoachred

    I love this post and suspect it needs to be read and understood by all. For me personally, I have found success by focusing on my responsibilities. After reading this, I would communicate it this way. I will focus on being responsible to always respect, extend grace often and accept grace when offered, to expect little and offer much, to bring joy when possible and when not to absorb pain and sorrow, sharing the burden.

    Of course I am also prepared to laugh at myself when my attempts at humor fail and always remember that the moment is meant to be lived in and yet always gives way to the next moment.

    @TisDoney if I do eventually cuddle I will make every effort to respect these ethical principles and best practices.

  • acuddlefanacuddlefan

    @trackcoachred this is really sweet. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think I will take them into meditation today. Self-acceptance and compassion are so important.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @quietman775 I totally agree with your assessment. Much of the BOR in the original post is nice, but highly subjective. And yes, it must come from somewhere. I do not see it so much as a bill of rights as a conversation starter/food for thought. Why? Because I have had many cuddle sessions and one thing I quickly learned is no two people’s boundaries/choices/thoughts etc. are ever the same. Even the agendas for cuddling run the gamut. As Darren said, cuddling should be a journey with some pre-discussed understandings serving as a base from which to work from. The minute you start placing a codifying structure in place is when it all goes to hell—just look at history, or organized religion.

  • SideonSideon

    Well done. I think aspiring to define principles and best practices is commendable. Two cuddlers get to define and communicate their needs, wants, limits, etc., but these principles could help grant structure to conversations that some may have challenges navigating. It's a lot easier to navigate with a road map. Look at couples' counseling: the rules of engagement are discussed at the beginning to set the foundational understanding for both parties.

  • TisDoneyTisDoney

    I just wanted to empower people going into this venture. To fell like they have a healthy baseline for their experiences. Too often we might not even be consciously aware of what is healthy and unhealthy. I knew when I first started cuddling two years ago, I could have benefited a lot from a list like this. I mean heck, the original from the More Than Two website changed all my relationships, romantic and friendship alike.

    I have every intention to keep writing blogs that will help people develop personal strength and growth along with protecting them as much as I can. Knowledge is power and it is about time that we do not let people manipulate us beyond our personal boundaries. I care deeply about everyone's' experiences on this site. We should all be able to feel safe and nurtured.

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