I am not sure if this is the appropriate thread to post this in, but I have a situation like this:
I am a PhD student studying in the US, on an F1 student visa. I am happily married, but my wife lives back in our home country.
While she could come to the US and stay with me, that would be deeply unfair to her, as she has to leave her job, basically axe her whole career, and stay here as a stay-at-home wife (because you are not allowed to work on a spousal student visa). I know she would go crazy, because I know I would if I were put in that same situation.
I am now basically waiting to finish my degree, and then go back to my country to re-unite with her. We meet about twice a year: one time I go back, and the other time she visits me in the US. We can't visit more frequently because flights are expensive (often upwards of $2000 to the other side of the world).
The problem is, I myself am a loner type. I don't connect easily with people, and even if I hang out with someone, my social batteries run out very fast. Yet there is a great contradiction: when I don't interact with other people for some time, I get depressed easily. I suffered from a period of depression last year, where I was basically holed up in my apartment, completely devoid of human connection, just focusing on my work and research. Whenever my wife called me, I put up a perfect front, but in the back I was deeply unwell. It took all my willpower to just feed myself a single meal a day, and I couldn't get myself to step outside.
After about a month of this, I got help from a therapist, and gradually got better. The therapist lady told me that I was completely starved of actual human contact, and eventually brought up therapeutic cuddling as one of the several things to try.
All of this stuff-my depression episode and subsequent therapist visits, are still a secret from the wife. I am slightly embarrassed about this and I also don't want her to worry. Maybe I will open up to her eventually.
Anyway, that's why I am married, but am still on this site. @lidar notes that, being married, it is not at all appropriate to cuddle with women, and I agree with this completely. But in my Midwest city, the pickings are slim. There are only a handful of people who seem to come online once a week/month, and almost all of them are female (and pros). I will spend a semester next year in NY, hopefully things will be better there! And by the end of 2027, I'll be done with my degree, which should sort out most of my mental issues 😅
@lidar , you're applying your standard for a relationship to ALL relationships. You aren't wrong for not wanting to cuddle someone who is married/partnered, but it's not inherently wrong for married people to cuddle someone who isn't their spouse. Honesty is the key here, and every relationship is unique and has its own set of rules and boundaries.
@mrmimejr - did you tell her that you are cuddling other women becoz you feel lonely? Are you ok with she doing that secretly?
@SpicyNSweet - as I said in my post, you being a pro cuddler, it is not surprising for you to not feel anything inherently wrong with this :-). I get your point obviously.
@lidar notice I wasn't talking about myself or my opinions. YOU were talking about your opinions. I'm stating we don't know the particulars of others relationships, so it's illogical and presumptuous to act otherwise. 🤗
And ftr you're incorrect about me🤣 I'm not comfortable with the notion of cuddling a man who's telling me his wife is unaware, because I don't want any part of that possible drama lol.
@SpicyNSweet YOU were the one who wrote “but it's not inherently wrong for married people to cuddle someone who isn't their spouse”. It’s obvious to assume that this is your opinion 😊. No worries either way. Also, good luck on men telling you honestly that his wife is unaware :-). If they were honest, they would have disclosed this to their wives first 😂.
Any way, this is less about the pros. This is more about the married ppl cuddling other women without their partner’s consent. Some are even (unapologetically) asking if it’s a deal breaker to get validation and an excuse from the pros (who are the wrong people to ask in the first place. You don’t ask a sugar factory if sugar is bad for your health 😂).
Cool, except you dismiss what pros say because of your admitted bias 🤷
I'm the one being accepting and open minded, not judging others without having pertinent info 😁
I would never cuddle with a married woman. Cuddle for an hour on a bed (or in one) with another man's wife? You've got to be kidding! How could that ever be OK? No good would come from it.
@SpicyNSweet - not bias, business. Cuddling is your business. It wouldn't make any sense to drop money on the floor by judging and rejecting married men. Again, you or other pros are not the focus of this conversation and I am not here to challenge your statements/opinions. I have already stated my point. I don't have anything more to say.
@jamesDC - you might be missing some "pertinent info" which might justify cuddling a married woman 😉. You are not open minded and accepting.
Just kidding ofc. 😂
I don’t think a pro is absolved of harm done.
@lidar I'm not a pro. You couldn't pay me enough to put up with most people.
I've seen many types of relationships. What works for one person may not work for another, and what's bad in one relationship might be good in another. It all comes down to everyone in the relationship abiding by the agreed-upon boundaries, and being open and honest with each other. Nothing within that is cheating.
If you apply the assumptions inherent in heteronormative monogamous relationships, then yes, cuddling while in a relationship is questionable. Once you replace those assumptions with communication and boundaries, then it may (or may not) be okay within that relationship. But since everyone and every relationship is different, you can't blindly apply the rules of one person's relationship to anyone else's relationship.
@lidar this isn't your post, so I and other pros are totally free and welcome to answer. ☺️ I appreciate your attempts to mock me.
I agree with “You couldn't pay me enough to put up with most people.” That’s why I left this site. I think I’ll raise my fee to $300 for the first session and discount subsequent sessions if I like them.
If they can’t afford it, then they should save up and pay more attention to how they present themselves. If they don’t like it, then they should police other men better. 57/57 is the reason they have no one to cuddle with.
@lidar I haven't cuddled anyone on this site yet. In case it wasn't clear: I agree with you, and I am uncomfortable cuddling women -> there are only women around my area -> my cuddle count remains at 0. Actually the cuddling act itself is uncomfortable territory, I am looking to start with a coffee meet first, if possible.
It's not a deal breaker if it's platonic only. I prefer to host. If I can give them what they are missing and it helps their marriage, it's all good. Everyone needs affection.
I do thank some of the pros for chiming in. You do sound very professional and have a good mindset where you care but you're not losing sleep over it either.
I do wonder though if some pros would make any changes to the boundaries or comfort level if they had an enthusiast cuddle - bc quite a few talked about "providing a service," which is fair. But is it any different if you're cuddling at a cuddle event or just for fun ?
I also do wonder why some folks are getting upset here. Everyone has their own set of boundaries. It seems like the cuddle police have arrived and want to take others down to the paddy wagon. 🚓 🚨
Empathy.
No. It’s platonic and none of my business. Book away. I have no issue. What happens before or after our session in your personal life doesn’t concern me.
Interesting that this is one of the more debatable subjects of this community. I think this highlights how even among people who cuddle there are differences in how we interpret what “platonic cuddling” does and should mean to people on a social, emotional, and psychological level.
FOR ME…. Marriage would not be a deal breaker but I would have so many conditions it might as well be a deal breaker.
If I went out to with my friends wife and he caught us hold hands, he would lose his mind, he would definitely be pissed at me he would at least yell at me and possibly physically attack me (note I said “me” not his wife) and I could explain all day and night that it was purely platonic, he’d still be super pissed. And that’s just holding hands.
Now someone will argue “well I would never react that way” or “My friend would be fine if I did that” and those people are missing the point… it is not that this would be the reaction of everyone… but it would be the reaction of SOME people, and I am not willing to deal with that.
What I would need to be comfortable with cuddling with a married person is to meet with both of them in a public place like a coffee shop.
I would want to hear from the spouse I am not cuddling with their understanding and expectations about cuddling, and if they’ve had any experience with cuddling others (huge bonus). And then about half way through the conversation I would hold hands with the one I am suppose to cuddle, if I can I might put my arm around them and get into a public snuggle…. and I would be looking for a reaction from their spouse, if they show any signs of anger or hostility, cuddling is off. If they’ve show signs of anxiety or awkwardness… I would address it and ask if they are actually comfortable with their spouse being physically close to another person, and they would need to be very convincing for me to continue.
If after all of that, I truly believe both partners are okay with it. I would cuddle with a married person.
Do I think that sounds like a lot? Yes Do I think any married person would do all that to cuddle with lil old me? Absolutely not.
So technically cuddling a married person isn’t a deal breaker for me but that comes with a pretty big asterisk.
For me, a client being married isn’t inherently a dealbreaker. I place far more importance on their intentions, integrity, respect for boundaries, and understanding of what professional platonic cuddling actually offers.
I think it’s important to distinguish between someone’s relationship status and their individual need for human connection. A married client seeking platonic affection isn’t automatically seeking something inappropriate, nor should we assume their relationship is unhappy or lacking.
What I find interesting is how quickly we sometimes assign romantic or sexual implications to physical affection simply because someone is married. Human connection is far more nuanced than that. Physical closeness, emotional comfort, and romantic intimacy are not necessarily interchangeable experiences.
That said, being platonic doesn’t eliminate the importance of transparency, personal accountability, or safety. I respect a client’s privacy, but I also recognize the distinction between discretion and deliberate deception. My professional boundaries don’t disappear simply because someone’s circumstances are complicated.
I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to evaluate a client’s relationship or make assumptions about their partner. However, I am responsible for deciding what situations I’m comfortable participating in.
I can offer compassion without compromising discernment, and understanding without assuming responsibility for someone else’s choices.
Ultimately, I see a married client as an individual first, not a relationship status. Someone who may simply want an opportunity to exhale, feel safe, and experience genuine, platonic human connection without expectations beyond the session.
For me, the determining factor isn’t whether a client is married. It’s whether the connection can exist with integrity, mutual respect, and clearly understood boundaries. 🤎
For those in long distance relationships: massage therapy, pets and even petting at animal shelters are ethical alternatives . Just saying. Obviously the pros here are going to defend themselves.
Would you be okay with your spouse doing the same thing?
/thread
@joyouscuddlist it's like you aren't even reading the posts. We have absolutely NOTHING to defend ourselves over. Additionally, everyone's relationship dynamic is unique, and simply because someone here is married doesn't mean they are cuddling without their spouses knowledge or consent. 🤦
@cudbud95 yes. My partner is also quite comfortable with me cuddling others. Many relationships are ok with this. That's valid, just like the relationships that AREN'T ok with it.
Open communication is all I care about, I've had completely platonic friendships with married people of an opposite gender. I've gone to a burlesque show with one and then again with her and her husband. He knew we were friends, he knew what we were doing. The issues I have are when their partner is unaware (or in the case of someone I dated recently, neither he nor I knew the other existed since she said she was single).
My point is, there's nothing wrong with cuddling someone in a relationship, as long as it isn't crossing any boundaries for all the people involved. But that's for the individuals to decide. I'm not comfortable cuddling someone who is married and their partner not knowing. I have no issues with cuddling someone who is fully transparent with their partner because I am no longer someone who is helping another break a boundary and potentially hurt another person.
I find this thread quite dumb, so I’d like to reiterate a few points.
A married man is asking professionals for validation or permission to cuddle other women. Isn’t the real question whether he’s looking for reassurance to do something he already knows could be crossing a boundary in his marriage? And why ask professionals whose job is to provide cuddling services to weigh in on the morality of his personal choices? Ultimately, that’s not really their responsibility.
I also find some of the responses from professionals a little disingenuous. Saying “we don’t judge” or “we can’t assume their situation” is fair to a certain extent, but let’s be realistic. How can anyone know whether a client has genuinely discussed this with their spouse or received their partner’s consent? Most people aren’t necessarily going to disclose the full story in a situation like this.
I think it would be more straightforward to acknowledge that professionals are there to provide a service, not to police their clients’ personal lives. They may not want to judge or get involved in these matters, which is understandable. But that’s different from presenting the issue as though there are no ethical considerations at all. Ultimately, the responsibility for being honest with one’s partner lies with the individual, not the professional providing the service.
No one said there's zero ethical considerations. And sorry, but your comments actually made it seem as though pros NOT policing clients personal lives was a moral failure on our part cause we only care about money 😂
@lidar If you find this thread so dumb, perhaps you shouldn't post in it any more.
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