@Babichev ...assuming you have a photo , would you say * do * compliment on how pretty you are
@cuddlerforu24: Dunno about Babichev, but I've never had much luck getting people to respond by complimenting their appearance. You'd think telling someone they have great skin would be neutral enough, but....
He really did have great skin, though. Looked like he got facials regularly. Could've been a model, that guy.
It's almost as if people prefer to get compliments that don't focus only on their faces and bodies. Not that those aren't nice, once it's understood that yeah, you do actually see them as a person—but if their body's apparently the only thing you like enough to compliment, it seems as though people don't appreciate it.
Weird, right?
Win the lottery.
@patTheCuddler - "I think @hogboblin and @DarrenWalker are addressing men looking for non-professional cuddle partners, not you - although I can see how their comments could be construed otherwise."
Oh, thank you. I just couldn't make sense of it.
@DarrenWalker - " @hogboblin and I were indeed both making suggestions on how men might get more cuddle partners."
Thank you. Now I understand.
@hogboblin - " They’re more like general pointers on how men should act while on this site. Kinda like “don’t be pushy!” But slightly more involved."
Thanks. I was reading it kind of backwards and it wasn't sinking in.
@garrablanca - "I though should be like "ok, do you want cuddles?... well me too... let's do this" very straightforward."
It would be nice but it's a little more complicated than that.
"Of course with common sense and respect."
Yes, but in real life interactions, what does that mean? The devil is always in the details.
@DarrenWalker - "This is why we can't have nice things."
I think you summed it up really well. Yes, the stats are available. And in my limited sample of interactions with men on this site, both in real life and online discussions, many men go very long periods of time without ever connecting with a woman cuddler unless she's a pro whereas women who sign up often get messaged within an hour and get several within the first 24 hours. Anyone who pays attention to the forums will see this and I don't think I'm biased in noticing.
So, here's the frustration: there are non-professional women on this site who would love to find a cuddle partner, too, but they want someone with whom they feel really safe so they can relax. The guys who are contacting me don't seem to appreciate this. There are guys in the forums here that do seem to appreciate that but if they are in my city, I haven't met them yet. Perhaps I need more patience. Maybe it will take as much time but just in a different way. Maybe that's what I'm starting to learn.
@innoc - "Not sure about zero entitlement. I think we're all entitled to basic respect."
I think what is meant by zero entitlement is that no one owes it to you to respond, no one owes you their attention or to cuddle with you. We get to choose how we interact with others or not interact with them. If we choose to interact with them then yes, we should do it with respect, but we're not obligated to engage with them.
"I appreciate that the internet destroyed good old fashioned manners but if someone ignores my respectful hello then they're probably going to ignore my needs in a cuddle situation."
You should see some of the messages women get. They are not respectful hellos. I wish. But it's like approaching a stranger waiting at a bus stop and trying to engage in conversation with them. They may not be interested. It's presumptuous to assume they owe it to you to respond.
But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about making some sort of contact with someone and they blow it by sending you shirtless photos or GIFS of people cuddling that look like they are having sex. I want to say dude, are you serious? Are you paying attention? Someone who is doing that does not strike me as someone who is going to pay attention to my needs in a cuddling session. They are too wrapped up in what they think they want to think about what it's like on the other end for a woman who is potentially agreeing to put themselves into a very intimate and vulnerable situation with a total stranger.
I wish we had a "like" feature here. There are a lot of comments that I'd love to "like."
@UKGuy - "The guys the original poster complains about, however. must have done something right because they got to cuddle with her."
Some. Some blew it before we met or blew it when we met. If you were here, I'd certainly respond to you because I've seen, over time, you make insightful comments and that tells me you're paying attention. I'm so sorry there are a couple thousand miles between us.
@snugbuddy "ing, BS, psycho babble and manipulation. I'll stick with pros."
Not a bad idea and I might try it myself. The thing about seeing a pro is that you don't have to be concerned about their needs. They are there exclusively to pay attention to you. When you're approaching a non-professional woman, you have to pay attention to what makes her feel safe and comfortable. I don't see this happening.
@LeeS - "To people who are having negative experiences; I'd suggest taking a step back and analyzing the situation."
And I've definitely been doing that. Between reflecting back on the experiences I've had and discussing some of them in the forums and privately, it's helping me to get clearer what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not. However, I'm finding that even when I'm very explicit with men and explained what has happened in the past that did not work for me, some of them still go way over bounds. One of them, once we started cuddling, started talking to me about naked cuddling and another tried to kiss me, and I'd already been pretty darned clear. Those were the two worst. But these guys are making it harder for other men.
In real life, I've got some cuddly friends but they haven't been particularly available for awhile. I have a roommate situation that makes it inconvenient to host a cuddle party but that will change soon and I'll try that.
I really do appreciate the thoughtful responses. It does help me sort this out.
Thanks and good night for now.
This is all a disappointment to read. Stumbled across this concept and discovered away to find it. I thought the idea was to relieve anxiety but seems men cause women anxiety and woman assume the worst of most of us.
@freddyfoxx:
Being perceived as a possible threat can make simple interactions far more challenging, it's true. But I wouldn't ask the woman who freaked out because I happened to be walking behind her on my way to a coffee shop one evening to believe that no man on earth will ever hurt her—and it would be ridiculous of me to tell her that she assumes all men are monsters because (not being able to tell which ones are and which ones aren't just by looking) she's scared of the ones she doesn't know.
Yeah, it's tough to get someone to trust you when there are, metaphorically, monsters out there wearing your face. But the solution is not to blame the people who're worried about devils in disguise.
The solution is to back off when they say "back off," to accept "no" for an answer and not try to convince them to change it, and to do your very, very best not to get into any situations where they couldn't escape from you easily if, instead of being you, you were a monster.
Respect boundaries—and if you get a cuddle, cuddle safely.
Oh my goodness... well my only conclusion on this topic is that this discussion it's just running in circles.
And if we seat to watch the statistics.. we aren't looking for solutions or to help anyone... we are there looking to the numbers just because we are morbid.
It's pointless to try to explain an idea when there is so many different points of view about this, and yet so simple fact of life.
1.- If one acts like a jerk... is 100% sure one will never receive cuddles. 2.- If one are not attractive to someone... Obviously, one will not receive cuddles by a non-pro no matter that one are the nicer in the room. even some pro will decline. 3.- if one is bringing to the table fears, insecurities, trauma, drama and some other psychological complexes, one doesn't needs a cuddle partner, one needs a psychiatrist.
At the end there's no secret... Only those who will be attracted fiscally and mentally to each other will cuddle. for those nice people that are not attractive there's always the solution of paying for some cuddles. And maybe there will be from time to time a miracle, when some non attractive nice person will be accepted to be cuddle for free.
Best wishes to all. GARRABLANCA
@Babichev Then perhaps we're entitled to the same respect that we extend to others. Certainly some of the messages you describe are not worthy of a reply.
I can only promise you there are decent men there who want an honest platonic cuddle.
Meanwhile this thread is the most interaction I've ever had on this site, perhaps I'll have more luck going down to my local bus stop.
@freddyfoxx "I thought the idea was to relieve anxiety but seems men cause women anxiety and woman assume the worst of most of us."
Relieve anxiety - yes. Assume the worst - no. One does not have to assume to worst to just feel uncomfortable because someone is pushing your boundaries. There are degrees and not every point on the scale is the worst, it's not all or nothing.
One thing that makes me hopeful is that enough men in the forums seem to really get it and if they were nearer, they have already made a positive impression by exhibiting understanding, insight, and compassion. It's too bad were don't live in a smaller world.
"It's too bad we don't live in a smaller world."
Yep, lol. So many people on here I would cuddle if closer, and I can't get anyone where I live. If I weren't in a relationship, I would get a travel trailer and hit the road, lol.
@pmvines - "They want to skip the rapport and trust building part."
Exactly. And perhaps I need to put more attention on placing that front and center.
@ubergigglefritz - "Sites and populations evolve. I know in just the one year I've been here, it has changed drastically."
I've only been here since about August but that's unfortunate.
"I'm saying it's no wonder there are so few female enthusiasts on here who actually stick around"
Yes, I agree. I haven't given up yet.
@DarrenWalker - "Some possible reasons men may have more difficulty than other people in finding cuddle partners include:
・Refusal to cuddle with approximately half the population of Earth ・Reputation for entitlement and violence ・Desire for instant gratification"
For me, it's mostly about the third. #1 is a moot point for me personally since I'll cuddle anyone and the fact of the matter about #2 - i'm not worried about violence. The vast majority of men out there aren't really that threatening. However, I think entitlement may be part of it and yes, I think the desire for instant gratification blinds a lot of them to the need to take the time to establish rapport and trust.
@cuddlerforu24 ' "assuming you have a photo , would you say * do * compliment on how pretty you are"
I wouldn't. Tell them their profile makes them sound interesting and say why. Tell them they seem insightful or intelligent or you enjoyed their sense of humor. Compliment them on their qualities as a person. But in this context, finding a cuddle partner, I'd stay away from telling them you think they are pretty or attractive because first of all, who cares? But after that - well, it's trite, worn, meaningless and it should be irrelevant. And it's the kind of thing that hints that a man may be looking for more than strictly platonic cuddling. Comment on something they said in their profile. That lets them know you are paying attention.
@garrablanca - " maybe there will be from time to time a miracle, when some non attractive nice person will be accepted to be cuddle for free."
I really don't care if the person looks like the Phantom of the Opera, I'm looking for someone who feels safe so I can relax and enjoy the cuddles, someone who isn't going to push my boundaries. I may be the exception.
@DarrenWalker "It's almost as if people prefer to get compliments that don't focus only on their faces and bodies. Not that those aren't nice, once it's understood that yeah, you do actually see them as a person—but if their body's apparently the only thing you like enough to compliment, it seems as though people don't appreciate it.
Weird, right?"
Don't know you well enough yet to be sure if you're being facetious or not but I think most women on a site where we're taking the risk of putting ourselves into an intimate situation would prefer to hear that a man is paying attention to us as a person and not just as a face or body that they find attractive. I'm pretty sure you already know this, though.
Well, I felt like I was taking a risk putting that up but I think there are some very good comments and I appreciate that. Maybe I'll get better at this over time. Maybe.
It's not only those who aren't just getting cuddles who are that way, it's also those who are looking for something sexual. Every single person who has contacted me who was in a hurry to cuddle, who asked for same day or next day cuddles and wanted to skip the getting-to-know-you part either refused to answer the questions I asked, lied about reading the Client Service Agreement (easy to spot those, as they then often proceeded to ask for something inappropriate or asked a question that's answered in the CSA) or stopped communicating once I clarified boundaries.
The rapport and trust building part is the most important for me. Anyone who's not interested in that part, I don't ever meet.
@DarrenWalker : "· Refusal to cuddle with approximately half the population of Earth"
I think this is so important! In western society men have historically been shunned for reaching out for touch & are programmed into believing that the only acceptable way to experience it is through a sexual partner or a female family member. I think we're far more at risk of touch-deprivation than women. Even signing up to this site means we acknowledge on some level that this social programming we've received is a load of horseturds. Given that we're not supposed to be here for sex or romance (there are other sites & services addressing that), I don't get why straight men wouldn't be open to platonic cuddles with other men. It should be easier for a man to keep his cool with someone he's not attracted to. Maybe we need to stop relying solely upon women for this stuff.
@Babichev thanks for taking the time to answer every single one of us... And welcome to the club of nice people waiting to having that miracle. The only left think to do is to keep asking for cuddles and continue to be awesome. One can't win the lottery if don't bought tickets.! Ha ha ha ha Salut!
@roleypup if you can do that... mmmmmh go ahead!
@BlueIris like I said if one acts like a jerk do not deserve to have cuddles, period. Just remember this is two-way responsibility, we need to keep it simple, this is not a platform to find your BFF, or a replacement for a therapist, this is a place to find a free obligation nice cuddles from another human being. If we complicate the protocol to go from point A to point B... We should not being complaining about.
@garrablanca , if I can do what exactly? Cuddle other men? Why is that difficult? All that I & DarrenWalker are suggesting is that [men] might be excluding the possibility of a delicious, platonic experience because of rejecting half the population (or, in the case of cuddlecomfort.com, ~80% of members) for no good reason...
[edit: apologies for the binary-centric, hetero-centric nature of my replies on this thread, but it's because I'm addressing a specific group of the population]
@roleypup well we don't need to merry-go-round with this, if that makes you happy... then there is nothing there that can stop you from doing it and you will be totally right to do so. But that will be your personal preference, you have to understand that there is also some other people with different preferences and it doesn't exist any argument that will change their own opinion on that, because there is no right or wrong in this matter, just preferences. So we need to respect that, and not to argue uselessly. Regards.
@garrablanca: Well, of course. And the people whose preferences limit their options to a tiny subset of the CuddleComfort population have to understand that that's what they've done... and stop whining about how long it takes for them to get a cuddle.
I'm diggin' this thread.
I'd offer up that the person know their motivation before they, first, get on this site, but definitely before they message anyone and then again any one person in particular. This isn't the site to go looking for your next... anything but platonic cuddle buddy. Anything that should happen beyond that - that over time you become friends or anything more is the miracle I think. I think, If your impetus for messaging someone is because you find them attractive then maybe you're hopes are for something more than just a platonic get together. In my opinion, I would think that if one wanted to cuddle with someone but don't like the looks of that person then one can find a cuddle position, upon which they both agree, where the one person didn't have to look at the other person's face. Hopefully that person'll be tactful as they make this request as in never mentioning that they don't ever want to look the other person in the face ::sigh::
Understand that "cuddling" isn't just spooning nor does it have to happen in bed. I just now googled "cuddle positions" and the headliner listed positions, that seemed to me, to be very intimate. Then when I backed out and read down the search page and most of the articles talked about cuddling one's romantic partner. Many went into to what a type of cuddle means. (Personally, if I want to know why another person did a thing I'm going to ask them or if I want them to know the meaning of what I'm doing I'm going to tell them.) I'm a hugger. I love to hug. A remember there was a big hugging movement years ago and different types of hugs were talked about. When I think of cuddling I admit that I'm biased by what I learned back then. The "A frame," the "flying," "the side," the "back to back," and other types I don't remember anymore. I do remember a lot of them did not have a lot of full body contact. Unfortunately, when I just googled "types of hugs" it manifested similar articles to what I found when I googled "cuddle positions." I think that, again unfortunately, there isn't enough presented currently (nor chosen on google for it to rate high enough to get on the front few pages) for folks to understand that "cuddling" isn't just "who's gonna be the big spoon?" Again, back to google, I searched "cuddling" for the definition and the first definition included the words "love or affection." Urban dictionary got it closer to how I understand cuddling, and this made me laugh and sigh, in that it stated, "Cuddling is simply touching and caressing without any contact whatsoever with either partner's sexual organs. Women actually prefer cuddling to sex." In my opinion, one does not need to caress when cuddling. I do agree that with cuddling, platonic or otherwise, one need not have contact with their partner's sexual organs. I do not agree that all women prefer cuddling to sex. ::facepalm:: Anyway, due to my past with hugging I think of cuddling as: leg tangles, slumping side by side into the other, extended pinky holding, sitting side by side and pressing the side of one's leg up against the other person's, hand holding (this can get iffy with some), laying on the ground with the crown of our heads touching, and on and on. For me, cuddling is extended touch. For me, platonic cuddling is extended touch with no conscious direct contact with the other's sex organs with sexual intent. Spooning, depending on how the two may be positioned, may have some of one's sexual organs pressed against another person. As long as one keeps ones intention and actions platonic, in all hopes, the cuddle time remains platonic. I don't begin to think that all of the above listed cuddle positions would suffice for all people's cuddling needs. One shouldn't assume that when one is looking to cuddle or be cuddled that they want nor need the under-the-covers-full-body-contact sort nor the specific type of cuddle that one themselves seek.
@hogboblin Yes, to your first post in this thread. Exactly this.
@innoc I feel that when one uses one's free will/when one makes a choice (do not want to get into the free will debate as I'm still not sure how I land on it) no one else is obligated to attend to that choice one has made. I believe that the only person responsible for and need respond to one's choices is that one person. If anyone else decides to opt in then that's a choice the other person made based on their own motivation (out of their own free will) and is not an obligatory, and in some cases not even an reactionary, response. What is and isn't "respectful" is still very relative to the perceiver though there is some unwritten understanding across a culture of what is currently considered "respectful." We no longer get bees in our bonnets when folks come to our homes outside of "calling hours." We, as a society, no longer keep "calling hours." Like most things, how a cultural norm is defined is a moving target. When and if one decides how to interpret those definitions and how they personally decide to manifest them or if they're going to manifest them at all is always, ultimately, individuated.
@DarrenWalker I just read an article, which I cannot find damnit, about how phone camera apps have, over time, come to create photos that are already edited to fix more and more "flaws." I've taken face pics with my phone where I know that my skin is nowhere near as flawless as it looked in the pic. It's a shame, I think; I'd rather have reality. I used to know someone who edited almost all of her pictures. She'd make the sky bluer, the trees greener, and things like that. I never asked her why she did it so I don't know the whys of it. I guess as far as the pic apps go, totally guessing, the phones co's decided that they'd do a good bit of the editing for us. ::shrugs:: And, yes?, no?, I'd rather someone not comment on my physical appearance mostly because I had nothing to do with making my skin tone, nor the shape of my eyes, and so on. As a person who thinks about things (sooooooooo much) an, "I like that dress," makes me want to say, "How nice that must be for you." A, "That dress is flattering on you," is, I think, closer to a compliment. I know that basically it's all the other person's perceptions and opinion anyway and really has nothing to do with me and I also know that despite how they're worded that those types of comments are usually meant to be complimentary and I take them and respond to them as such. It's not the gift but the thought behind it sort of thing. And I'd rather, as a person who's looking for someone who doesn't care what I look like in order to cuddle me platonically, that a person not comment on what I look like, if they're contacting me about possibly cuddling, is because it does make me think that they might maybe want something more sexual than platonic cuddling as Babichev said. The only reason I have a pic online to offer is because I know that some people have strong visual needs? I'm sure there's a better way of putting that but my brain is getting fuzzy. I can't assume that everyone out there who asks for a pic wants it to judge my potential mate/sexual bedmate worthiness. For example, my BFF cannot visualize things. When she reads a book she can't see the scenes in her head. If someone like that just wants to see me so that they can have an idea in their head of the person to whom they're communicating, personally, I can understand that.
ETA: well, edited to remove me being kinda judgy and not liking that. I ETR'd.
@DarrenWalker mmmmh are you trying to be their savior? Well, first of all, in the world there are stubborn and no too smart people and don't you think that you waste your time listening to the foolish complainers? Whoever is a jerk will never get cuddles and that's in a fact of life, I'm sorry for them ... they have no salvation. Their only salvation is when they understand that they should have a change in their behavior, but is up to them ONLY. stop suffering because of their moans, no longer pay attention to them, do not get trap on that, you will end up being as stubborn as them. capiche?
@daylightsdream: I had no idea that photo editing was so common these days. It explains a lot.
@garrablanca: ...Are you trying to be my savior? Trust me, I don't need saving—I'm enjoying myself.
@DarrenWalker cool, you get the point.
@garrablanca: The point... that the whiners are just enjoying themselves? Putting off the few potential cuddle buddies they had for the sake of complaining about how few potential cuddle buddies they have... for fun? And so I shouldn't waste my time pointing out what they're doing?
Huh. Weird, but okay.
Edit: Or perhaps you're suggesting that I should ignore your advice, and carry on talking to the people who don't understand that their preferences limit their opportunities, because hey! It's not a waste of time if I'm enjoying myself.
@DarrenWalker LOL well I think you can keep having that conversation with yourself and enjoying it for sure.
@garrablanca: I find you remarkably puzzling. So many non sequiturs.
I point out that men who only cuddle women have limited their options severely, and shouldn't be surprised when it takes a while for them to find a mutually acceptable cuddle buddy.
You tell me that there are stubborn and unintelligent people in the world, that there's no helping them, and I should stop trying because it'll only cause me pain.
I tell you that I'm fine, thank you.
You say that's it exactly, well done, I've understood your point!
...What point?
Hmm. The only thing I can figure is that you're personally threatened by the idea that it would be easier for you to find someone to cuddle if your preferences allowed you to cuddle more types of people. Whenever someone points this fact out, you become defensive. "Stop trying to convince me not to have the preferences I have!" you seem to say, as vehement as though people online could reach through the screen into your head and tweak your settings.
Those who only cuddle women do have a very limited pool of potentials. Those who only cuddle men have more options than those who only cuddle women (because there are more men here than women), and those who cuddle everyone have all the options. Just all the options, y'all.
If you want more cuddles faster, you can either get lots of money and pay for as many as you want... or you can start looking at all the options, instead of limiting yourself to a tiny subset.
If you can neither pay for cuddles nor alter your preferences....
Well, at least stop whining about the way math works.
calm down @DarrenWalker it seems like you are upset or something, now you are becoming somehow a little crazy, sorry man... but for now on... I will ignore your provocations.
@garrablanca: Fascinating. What about my last message gives you an impression of emotional upset?
@DarrenWalker
Pls stop provoking people with logic and reason.