This video is so interesting...
So integral. ?
That "courage" of communicating the hard stuff is something I encourage in all my encounters. Big feat, well worth the results of seeing others complete. Including ourselves. If only we all should be so lucky to have someone. Yay! Good video thank you for sharing @garrablanca ?
Yes communication it's key, I'm glad you liked. You are so welcome @MissAdventurous !
Oh wow. That is so accurate as a depiction of what it's like to be the person who needs touch, as much as if it were food, and to be in a relationship with someone for whom touch is an irrelevance, even a nuisance. As stated in the video, touch is as important or perhaps even more so than sex.
I tried many times over the years to convey what is so eloquently expressed in this video, but this desire for touch was always "my problem", and a resolution always resisted.
And so, I find myself, as do many other people in long term relationships (married or not) entrapped in a situation where, for reasons of loyalty and fidelity, we have had to learn to do without touch. But now I've changed that, and have a cuddle partner who is also in a long term relationship, but also unable to get hugs and cuddles. We are, of course, forced to keep this discreet, and have set boundaries that we intend to keep. We may be cuddle buddies for years to come.
But I'm not sure how to achieve that "happy ending" in the video, where the non-tactile partner with whom you are in a long term relationship decides to give it a go, and the couple are restored.
The other thing the video highlighted for me was the pain of enduring this physical loneliness over the years (decades) and the corrosive effect it has on self esteem. I consider myself a strong person, emotionally secure, and quite confident, but inside someone has been screaming to be heard.
If nothing else, after many months with my one and only cuddle buddy, I am feeling peace again, and for both us buddies, having a cuddle partner may paradoxically save our respective marriages, as long as we maintain the boundaries.
Thanks for listening.
He nails the progression of it from early stage relationship development to long term involvement. Everyone wants to be like us in the beginning.
@garysmith / @PeopleLikeUs Thanks for sharing.
@garysmith I'm not clear on this paragraph:
"We are, of course, forced to keep this discreet, and have set boundaries that we intend to keep. We may be cuddle buddies for years to come."
Does that mean your spouse doesnt know you have a cuddle buddy?
Why not?
Would your spouse have an issue with it if they knew?
And why "of course"? Is it common to hide cuddle buddies?
@HandcarvedCanoe , your profile says you are in a relationship, but I guess your partner is happy for you to openly seek other cuddle buddies ? Thats great for you. You raise a good point about secrecy. Is it ok to have a secret cuddle buddy ?
Most spouses would probably consider their partner having a 'secret cuddle buddy' to be unfaithful and grounds for divorce.
Yeah, my girlfriend and I are both in agreement that cuddling with other folks is okay. I need cuddles too much to be with someone who would put a restriction on that.
I guess I'm concerned because when I meet people on this site I don't feel comfortable being a secret from my cuddle buddy's SO.
Cuddling isnt unfaithful. It's the secret part that is unfaithful. I don't think its okay to have a secret cuddle buddy.
@HandcarvedCanoe @UKGuy I am intrigued by the logic here. The argument being put forward is that it's not the act of cuddling that is unfaithful, but the secrecy around it. Even though cuddles are strictly platonic.
I presume this includes attending a cuddle party with as many as 25 people in a huddle, as the same act of clothed platonic cuddling is taking place, but the secrecy of attending is itself the betrayal.
An interesting debate about what constitutes "fidelity". Is a spouse that withdraws cuddles and touch (let alone sex) also breaking a marriage agreement, and entrapping their SO, as @garysmith describes above? Is the only option that remains "honest" to terminate the long term relationship ?
....and developing that point further, is it equally "unfaithful" for a married person to visit a Pro-cuddler in secret? I'd be interested in pro's insights on this.
Any time you engage in an emotional or physical relationship, or both, without knowledge or comsent of significant other it is a breach of trust. No way to really sugar coat it or excuse it away. An extra cuddle partner while in a relationship is a surrogate for something you are not getting with your partner. If it is being hidden , it is dishomesty .
Being poly minded I just can't help but to want to be honest and communicate my needs. I would not tolerate or be with someone if my needs are pushed into the dark or if I felt unsafe emotionally in the relationship. ?
My very long term partners know what I do and fully support me in this journey of connecting with others. They celebrate me for being me, that is love to me. Because it's a need I've developed recently, platonic connection, it was hard but necessary to be honest with them too. I get so much saturation in my life that this really is just as theraputic for me as it is for my clients. ?
It always saddens me when someone can't or choose to not communicate with their partner about something so important. The fact this is unconventional in an average relationship to communicate your need outside someone whom is your partner is why these sites are so crucial to expanding the education of PLATONIC touch. ?
Thank you for sharing. I identify with the video. Sigh.
@pmvines definitely!
Oh man. So many thoughts and feelings around this. I was married and affection-deprived, and considered solutions such as secretly seeing a pro. Now I am divorced and polyamorous, I have several partners I cuddle with all the time, and I go to cuddle parties, and everyone is not just ok with it but happy I am getting my needs met. (My ex-wife and I are/were in our 30s with young kids, so divorcing was not an easy decision, but we are glad we did it.) A cuddly and connected partner will pretty much want to be in as much physical contact with you as possible when you are together.
Hiding anything significant from your partner that concerns them or pertains to your agreements or common infrastructure with them — basically anything that could crop up later and have big negative emotional consequences — doesn't work. The truth will come out, and the relationship you were afraid you'd damage by standing up for your needs will be damaged far worse by your perceived betrayal, even if you didn't do anything "wrong" by the ethics you would like to apply. If you've tried to talk about your needs, respectfully, keeping the focus on yourself and what you need to be happy, and you've been met with anger or disdain, you are not in a healthy relationship, IMO.
Diminishing yourself, sacrificing parts of yourself, ignoring your needs, and taking away your choice to leave a relationship also don't work to make a relationship last. The strongest relationship is one that allows two people to be themselves, stand in their full power, and pursue their happiness, while choosing to be in the relationship because it is in support of that. Human beings were built to grow. The truth of who you are will come out. The parts of you that your partner doesn't seem to love, doesn't want to see, will come out anyway, so love them and lead by example. And there are partners who will love every last inch of you.
Renegotiate your exact relationship agreements if you need to! Cuddling outside of a monogamous relationship is not so crazy. Non-monogamy is not so crazy. Make your own relationship, don't just assume you bought the "standard package" and then never talk about it, ever.
If you are clear about what you need to be happy in life, are actively standing up for it and striving for it, and are a proactive communicator and an open book, your relationships will take care of themselves. If you know you need something to be happy in life, and communicate that, how can a life partner argue with that? You don't have to threaten to leave or give an ultimatum. No relationship is worth an unhappy life; I think deep down we all know that nowadays. If you have unmet affection needs, keep talking about it, keep talking about it, try to problem solve it together, and know that if you can't work it out, you are probably just not compatible and are never going to be happy with this person. Remember life is long and you are the one who creates your life.
@frankparker9 - I agree with everything you said but please do it BEFORE you get married, not AFTER. Don't go into a commited relationship blind to your or your partner's needs (or things they don't need) which aren't always openly revealed beforehand.
On the topic of secrecy with cuddling others. I hear what people are saying when they state it is strictly platonic, no sex involved, they arent getting their needs met by their partner, they crave and need the touch, etc. These are also the same reasons people give for seeking out sex partners outside their relationships. So you are kidding yourself if you think it is not cheating in a sense, or at least deceptive.
@pmvines Agree 100%. Unfortunately we live in the age of 24/7 on-line communities where the lies we tell ourselves can be spun into truths by a bit of sophistry and virtual pats on the back by strangers telling you that what you feel is perfectly alright. As a result of these false affirmations the lies tend to perpetuate themselves until you find yourself convinced that a horizontal tango in the buff is not cheating.
Many thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and honest opinions. Most people (and I include comments I received offline from this thread) believe that any form of "going behind the back of your SO to have a private cuddle" constitutes betrayal of some kind, and that openness and honesty are paramount. Some included even more innocuous activities than cuddling, such as flirting, as the "infidelity" is somehow woven into the idea that to have an SO in a non-open relationship makes trust absolutely sacrosanct, and that betrayal of any form is what happens primarily in one's heart.
It was great to hear examples of poly relationships, but often, the rules were established at the outset, so nothing can be constituted as "cheating" as there is no secrecy involved. But my SO withdrew a couple of decades down the line, leaving me hamstrung.
It seems that most would rather encourage me to openly express my needs to my SO, and knowing that she will not change, it would probably bring a decades old relationship to a head, and then to an end. However, while that seems to be a justifiable outcome to some people here (as it elevates my needs, emphasising the importance of them being met above all else), it's not quite so simple as that for me, as the ending of our relationship would prove quite devastating to some around us, as well as my SO. It's a choice for me, really.... Supress my needs for a cuddle, or end the relationship. Addressing my needs secretly is not a popular option.
I think that @frankparker9 sums up that final option, in that if I continue to meet a cuddle partner secretly, it will one day be discovered, and the "betrayal" consequently perceived as even greater, and the resultant effects even worse.
Thanks to those out there who visited my profile or messaged me who are in exactly the same boat, and who have quite honestly stated their status on this website as seeking "secret" cuddle partner. I now know that I'm not alone, but I understand the territory a bit better, even if I'm not sure of the course ahead.
Thanks, too, to a couple of pro's who have clients in this situation, who shared their own discomfort and decision-making about whether to engage with someone needing to cuddle in secret.
What it means to be faithful in a relationship or not depends on the parties involved.
People often put their partner into an impossible situation: on one hand, they don't want their partner to go outside of the relationship for certain things. On the other hand, they deprive them of the thing they want, forcing them to either go without or sneak around. Or give up the entire relationship so they can get the one thing they lack.
I married a man who was very affectionate before we got married and within about six weeks after we got married, pretty much quit being affectionate. It was quite a shock. I should not have put up with it as long as I did but I was young and not very assertive and took my marriage vows seriously. At this point in my life, I can't imagine staying with someone who wasn't affectionate.
I don't think going behind one's partner's back is a good idea but I also think it's harsh to expect someone to give up everything just to get a single but important need taken care of or expect them to live without.
@Babichev you are right on target. Parsing some traditional and oft quoted wedding vows: Many people prefer not realize that not allowing your spouse "...to have [sexually] and to hold [cuddle]..." are violating their vows every bit as much as someone who isn't "forsaking all others". When you are denying your spouse touch and/or sex, you are not being faithful to them.
I never considered cuddling as cheating before, but this forum thread and some recent messaging with an uncomfortable (and young) pro cuddler has caused more consideration on my part.
Single people without children may not understand my unwillingness to blow up a family in order to get my needs met under "full disclosure". My children need me every day, not every other week with Christmas day split between two sets of parents. I made my need for affection clear to my wife and have also made it clear that denying it long term will be very destructive and will have consequences. I've had to pick the lesser of three evils: 1. Destroy my family 2. Destroy my self 3. Participate in an activity that my wife is not interested in, without telling her
Help me understand this. My 18 month old son has this energy that comes through his hand when he touches me i can’t explain. His mother had the same thing, if she touched my arm I’d just feel something i never felt before. Unfortunately as our relationship fell apart i first started to realize what the absence of touch does to a person.
Is it possible that certain people have some energy or make up that cause their touch to be different. I’ve never felt it with anyone else, my other children
@BashfulLoner it's because your love for them causes your brain to take different neural pathways than when anybody else touches you. Touch from a lover is very different than touch in the same place and in the same way as a friend. That is one reason why touch denied from a loved one hurts so much. There truly is no substitute. The pro women I've seen here are the next best thing, but it's still not the same and never can be.
