Change My View: Cuddling with a Cuddle-Buddy is Almost Always Sexual ("Slightly" Sexual)

cuddleooocuddleooo
edited February 2019 in General

I'm going to call this "slightly sexual", for clarity. I'll elaborate more on this later.

First of (this is mostly towards guys), if the attractiveness of the person really matters, then I would say it's probably sexual, and not platonic. I can play videogames with someone, or go out to eat with them, or go for a hike, and even if I think they are extremely ugly, that does not matter during this activities, nor am I thinking about that before these activities. A lot of this sort of therapeutic touch is about being mindful, correct? Well guys, be mindful of how you browse for cuddle partners. Where do your eyes land? Who do you end up choosing?

Now, there might be a lot of straight women who would say, "Attractiveness does not matter at all to me! I have cuddled with plenty of guys I was completely unattracted to." Perhaps you are looking for a feeling of safety, comfort, etc. Well, would you cuddle with a 6'5" 250lb MMA fighter&powerlifter woman? If so, then you passed - maybe it IS basically platonic. If not, then I would say it is sexual.

Now, it is very important to note that there is a difference between activities that are, let's say, "slightly sexual", and maybe you each genuinely have no desire to push things further, and say, physical flirtation that you each are hoping will end up in blatantly sexual activity. I think there is a lot of social/cultural resistance to "slightly sexual" sorts of activity, perhaps because there can be a slippery slope. But, I think it is disingenuous to label this "slightly sexual" as platonic, when what I have seen, from cuddle parties, browsing online, etc. is that it is slightly sexual.

I can almost imagine a future in which people are talking about how lips are like skin and need to be touched to, and so people sign up on a website for "platonic kissing" buddies. People would defend the label of "platonic" by saying kisses can be platonic, their aunt gives them a kiss and that is not sexual, etc. when would be different from browsing for a kissing buddy, a total stranger who you have no previous emotional connection or real relationship with, and then kissing for a long period of time (you wouldn't hire someone to pretend to be your aunt and then kiss you for a long time).

Anyway, I am not saying that cuddling is always slightly sexual, or sexual in any way. But I do think that the experience of browsing for a cuddle buddy online, and then cuddling with them, is almost always slightly sexual, and that is probably fine.

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Comments

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    As a unsuccessful cuddler, i do understand your point. However, let me offer this; i really don’t do those platonic activities you listed earlier with unattractive people. Peopl i find unattractive i tend to not do many things with, now i can find someone attractive and not be attracted to them physically and desire sexual pleasures with them. I am mindful of the people i click on in my search for a cuddle buddy. And sense I’m purely in it for purposes that are no sexual i do not discriminate who i reach out to.

    Don’t get me wrong i absolutely understand what you are leading to and see it can be an issue. I wouldn’t mind being objectified for a cuddle, but i consciously attempt to not objectify.

    I also find it odd someone would seek platonic kissing, i find that to intimate to do through a site like this. A clothed platonic cuddle i find different. But again, for me it’s all speculation as i haven’t had and opportunity. But i try and make it clear that it’s not my goal to take it further.

    I have contacted a potential cuddle that joined around the time i did, and when we spoke the first time we discussed a possible cuddle. But when i reaches out a week later she informed me that she had met someone and cuddled and developed a relationship. So i assume both of them were in this for entirely different reasons.

    Also with all you said is what makes me slightly adverse to getting a procuddler. I always fear someone would misinterprets my intentions or through some profiles i see, the intention of the pro seem as little more than what this sight rules call for.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @cuddleooo: If the sexual attractiveness of the person matters, then yes, it's not platonic. There is (as I have mentioned before) more than one type of attraction. It's possible to be drawn to someone aesthetically, or emotionally, or even sensually, without sexual interest entering the picture at all.

    Consider how wonderfully touchable and snuggleable a newborn baby is. Babies are even more sensually attractive than fleece blankets—yet there's nothing sexual (hopefully) in your desire to touch, hold, and cuddle them. In the same way, it's possible to see a photo of someone online and want to cuddle them without wanting anything else... especially if, like me, your sexual preference is "no, thank you."

    As a celibate asexual, I don't find the experience of browsing for a cuddle buddy online, or cuddling with anyone, anything but completely platonic—and I would be so much happier about existence in this world if platonic cuddling sites were platonic for everybody else, too.

  • LakersFanFLLakersFanFL

    This is going to sound wierd but when i look at someone im not looking for there sex appeal because that is not what i am after. What I am looking for is cuddle appeal if that makes sense.

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    @LakersFanFL YES!! That's what I'm looking for too - their "Cuddle Appeal" that is a thing! lol.

    I browse a LOT of profiles and typically reach out to any that have something that is appealing to me - words, interests (movies, shows, pets, job title, etc...) because I think that we might have things in common enough to strike up some good, healthy, FRIENDLY conversations - which to me is required first before I want to cuddle you - I have a thing where I have to like you as a person to want to be close and snuggly with you. Like @DarrenWalker said, there are lots of types of attractions. Liking and wanting to cuddle and snuggle does not mean I want to be sexual with you.

    IF I want to be sexual with you I'm not going to be contacting you on here - if I develop sexual feelings/interest in you through conversations and or meeting you, it'll be brought up with the understanding that we won't be cuddling going forward or that we are no longer conversing about cuddling if it's mutual and then we take things offsite and be adults about what it is that we do or do not want from one anther. <-- I assume this potential is there and I'm not going to be naïve about it, but it is not the goal. Life likes to throw you curveballs, especially when you're not looking for something.

    Do I want to cuddle with someone I find physically attractive? Yes, that is probably somewhat my default, subconscious choice, but I'm not trying to look at them from a sexually attracted position - there are a number of pros I would not want to cuddle with because I can look at some of their photos and think - yeah, my mind is not going to be in the right frame for just cuddling, HARD PASS... lol. So pros out there, if I've viewed your profile and you're within 50-80 miles of me and I have not contacted you its either because you don't host (I can't - kids, and I already have a list of those I have to pay for a room to cuddle), I didn't get a good vibe reading your profile or you are too hot/sexual to cuddle! So it's either not a good match OR I am already sexually attracted to your pictures and don't want to go there. Sorry, not sorry. This is not the place for that - Kudos to you for being HOT and not getting my attention. lol

  • laylanielaylanie

    @cuddleooo So... Can I possibly get this MMA fighter's details? Just asking... >.>

    But seriously, I can believe that there is some sexual subtext for why people have joined the site, and I think it is fair for every person here to critically think about what their intentions are and not try to trick themselves of being innocent if their actions don't express the same message (I.e. insisting for naked cuddling or kissing). This isn't a post to bash those seeking that, but this is not the right platform for that level of affection seekers.
    I know that I keep asking the question of why I'm here to myself often to see if my intentions change and if so, meet the model of the site.
    I can't speak for other's reasons, but I hope to find a friend first. I already am a touchy-feely person by nature. I greet with hugs, I lean on shoulders, I habitually want to run fingers through someone's hair. That is not something I am shy about and understand limits since not everyone is in the mindset of receiving touch and for others touch means sexual advances. I really hope that I can find a middle ground where my natural affections are not assumed to have the conitation that I am seeking sex and just look to find an intimate person. Again, I use the word intimate as the intended definition to platonic relationship. A chaste love.

  • BabichevBabichev

    I, too, am looking for cuddle appeal and agree with @DarrenWalker, I wish everyone on this site understood what platonic cuddling means and were here for that and only that. Life would be easier.

  • [Deleted User]ivlegend (deleted user)

    Platonic is platonic :) it's does not spell as sexual. As I understand :)/)

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC
    edited February 2019

    @Babichev you are not alone, but sadly we are outnumbered... weather the storm and over time we will win the war. :)

    @ivlegend you mean it's not spelled "PLA(sex)TON(sex)IC"??? with all the "sex" in the middle being silent? lol... yes, people… it's REALLY just "PLA(no, really, platonic)TON(no, really, platonic)IC" try it sometime, you might find something magical.

    • the funny part is it's actually a lot easier to find sex than just platonic cuddles....

    so if YOU are here for sex, go somewhere else for your sex and get out of our cuddles please!!!

    EDIT - some magical coding on here changes text?? "Styling with Markdown is supported." <-- guess I need to learn that

  • cuddleooocuddleooo
    edited February 2019

    @DarrenWalker Thanks for the link.

    @LakersFanFL Thanks for this perspective. I'll keep the concept of cuddle appeal in mind.

    So, it seems like "cuddle appeal" in this context (of cuddling another adult, and not a cute baby or puppy) is related to physical/sensual attraction. It seems like it is easier for "feminine energy" (just making up a term here that probably applies to most women, and some men) to experience this kind of attraction. Many female friends seem quite comfortable lying on each other, etc. But I think it is much more difficult for a "masculine energy" people to experience this. It's usually either sexual attraction or no attraction. If you are are a masculine-energy person who is doing anything resembling cuddling with another masculine-energy person, it is because they have just finished saving your life, or something like that. It does not really seem possible for a masculine-energy-person to want to cuddle another masculine-energy person who is a total stranger and they have no previous bond with without it being sexual.

    My perspective, as a heterosexual "masculine-energy"-identifying man in my 20s, is that sometimes I feel really lonely and also touch-deprived. Sometimes I just want to lay my head on someone and cry and recharge, even though I am OK seeming more like a stereotypical man most of the time. And there is no way I would want to lay my head on some random dude off the internet. Only an attractive (would be all the types of attraction for me) woman would seem comfortable for me. But, I have read that it is wrong to experience sexual pleasure from someone without their consent (maybe you can experience pleasure just by glancing at someone lol, but I guess I mean stopping beyond something like that), and given that I would only want to cuddle with someone who I am attracted to (all types of attraction), then perhaps it would be wrong for me to cuddle at all, even though I wouldn't want the end-game to by sex... More like a touch-based therapy session with an honest but limited amount of sexuality.

    I also remember a cuddle party I went to, where we were given a usually spiel about it being platonic and so on, but afterwards, when we had an open discussion about our experiences (I just left and came back - did not cuddle), a group was talking about a "moment" they had (the man got an erection) and kind of laughed it off, and everybody seemed to think this is completely fine (that was my impression, at least). I couldn't help but cringe a little bit, because it's like, yeah, a man is spooning a woman. His groin is right on her butt. Of course it is sexual and not platonic. Just because cuddling is an "innocent" activity, in the same way a kiss in a Disney movie is innocent, doesn't mean it is not sexual.

  • garrablancagarrablanca
    edited February 2019

    @cuddleooo is quite simple.
    1.- Yes we all are humans and we all have reactions when we cuddle.
    2.- If you are experiencing a sex impulse in a middle of a cuddle session, you need to change your mood in your mind, because that's going to be your own problem at the end.
    You have to understand that the cuddle sessions is to make you feel loved, to make you feel relaxed, calm and recharged.
    You can't fantasize about sex in the session because you're not going to take it right, the person who is giving you tenderly cuddles is not in that mood and for sure it will end terribly bad.
    3.- You have to be very clear to your self if it's sex what you want and needs, is perfectly fine, but these sessions aren't for that.
    Maybe you need to look for that in some other place... And that's ok, I mean sex is wonderful, but this is not the place for it.
    I understand that sex drive in men is like a handling TNT... It's so unstable.
    But not impossible, and only those who know how to control themselves are the ones who conquest at the end.
    You should take these sessions to practice self-control, and be ready to be rejected if you cross the line and make a foul.
    But if you really want to love a woman you have to learn how to cuddle one without thinking on sex in your head, with all those thoughts making so much noise that you become incapable to make her feel really loved.

  • poolmanpoolman

    There's various women from here that I've cuddled, mostly pros n each 1 has own cuddle appeal.!.

  • LakersFanFLLakersFanFL

    It tickles me pink that i have started this cuddling appeal trend in this thread :)

    Yes, i have used professionals threw a couple of different websites. Each time going into it i knew that it was for platonic cuddling and nothing in sexual nature. I do not get aroused thus I have learned how to control it even though it is a natural reaction that happens without thinking about it some times.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @cuddleooo: So far as I can tell, pretty much nobody is comfortable cuddling a total stranger with whom they have no previous bond. That's why so much talking goes on here before anybody agrees to meet up: people want to get to know each other and form some sort of bond before they get to the cuddling.

    Moving on: cuddle appeal (thanks, @LakersFanFL) in any context is related to physical/sensual attraction. You want to touch a cute baby. You want to show physical affection to a puppy. You want to experience the texture of a fleece jacket. (The Odyssey Online article focuses entirely on sensual attraction to other people, but you can be sensually attracted to fleece the same way you can be aesthetically attracted to sunsets.)

    As far as masculine types experiencing only sexual attraction or nothing at all... geez, that makes "masculine energy" sound like a curse.

    I've been told I have way more masculine energy than feminine energy, but I never got the "masculine energy means you're either attracted to people sexually or not at all" speech. Frankly, that sounds like baloney to me. Who says men can't be as non-sexually fond of one another as women get to be?

    Once upon a time, platonic affection between men was so common you could go to a photo studio with your best buddy and have a professional photo done of the two of you holding hands or sitting on each other's laps or whatever and no one assumed there was anything sexual about it because that was just a thing men did. Cuddling up, bonding, letting your buddies know you cared without having to say a word....

    Then society realized that homosexuality was a thing, and men pulled back from their friends in case they caught the gays.

    As if that's even possible. As if it would be the end of the world even if you did.

    Anyway. Sitting next to somebody else doesn't have to be sexual. Even if your legs are touching. Even if some part of your body isn't used to the situation, and responds in the only way it knows how (before you teach it better). The same's true for spooning. It doesn't have to be sexual. Even if some part of your body's convinced it is. Correct it, the way you did when that part of your body first woke up and seemed to think that basically every situation was a sexual situation.

    Sure, you won't get 100% success every time you cuddle with anybody for the rest of your life. But you'll definitely have a lot more success if you practice a bit of control.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @DarrenWalker it’s hard for me to imagine a time when men behaved in a way you described. But i don’t see an issue with it at all, even though i don’t think i could be that comfortable being that physical with a man. I do know “the gays” isn’t spread through that type of physical contact ?.

    But i think the world is learning( slowly) to have more respect for themselves and others and men are learning the value of intimacy, sensuality and touch. And how the lack of it affects our kids and our relationships. Well at least i am.

    As soon as society learns sex is separate from all the most valuable things in human connection we’ll be fine.

  • DjorgeDjorge

    My eyes often land on the face. I don't think it has to be sexual, but I do prefer to try to talk to people who's faces make me more comfortable (or just talking to people who have no profile photo, since there's nothing to put me off to begin with).

    When I first joined and I was editing my profile more often, I toyed with the idea of saying that I cuddled both men and women because I thought that would make both sexes more likely to want to cuddle with me. I don't believe that hypothesis payed off so I removed it from my profile, but I like to think as the profiles preferences as more suggestions (pretty sure they're synonymous) so I don't mind men asking me for hugs (if any did) and I'd be quite open to it.

    I don't think you can ever have truly platonic cuddles though, because for a cuddle to be really good you have to actually care about the other person, what they are feeling and seeking. Cuddling is a very non-platonic activity because it is entirely physical and the non-platonic element is really there to enhance the cuddling by making sure it is just right.

  • SideonSideon

    @cuddleooo , you state:

    "But, I think it is disingenuous to label this "slightly sexual" as platonic, when what I have seen, from cuddle parties, browsing online, etc. is that it is slightly sexual."

    and later

    "More like a touch-based therapy session with an honest but limited amount of sexuality."

    Where on Cuddle Comfort, in the very specific definition of platonic and rules of conduct are you parsing or attempting to parse or infer that "platonic" suddenly means "slightly sexual"?

    Your entire post and response are disingenuous. There is no slippery slope here other than what you're incorrectly trying to equate (slightly sexual and platonic) - regardless of orientation or gender.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @BashfulLoner: Hey, you changed your name. I like it. More descriptive.

    Imagining male affection in the past gets easier when you look at the photos they used to take. I embedded a link to an article on the subject, but it looks like the link did that hiding thing again (seems to be mostly people on mobile who miss the embedded links, for some reason). Anyway, as an aid to the imagination: A Photo History of Male Affection. You can also check out the book the article writers got a lot of their pictures from on Amazon: Picturing Men, by John Ibson.

    Those are links. Promise.

    @Djorge: Um. Actually caring about someone, what they're feeling and seeking—that's not sexual. Saying you can never have truly platonic cuddles because for a cuddle to be really good you have to actually care about the other person is like saying you can never have a truly platonic friendship because in order for a friendship to be really good you have to actually care about the other guy.

    I'm gonna put this as simply as I can:

    Platonic = non-sexual.
    Actually caring ≠ sexual interest

  • garrablancagarrablanca

    @DarrenWalker interesting...
    However I do believe the best relationship between 2 people is when both actually cares for each other... If there's no balance that's horrible.
    Even when you cuddle with a person for one and unique time.
    And I'm referring in a Platonic level.
    One have to care for that partner, if you are there to cuddle.
    Otherwise I think it will leave a bad taste in your mouth unless you are an antipathetic.

    And this also makes me thinks that even antipathetic people wants to have cuddles, but they are not have the will to give comfort.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @garrablanca: ...You don't seem to do well with English. What's your primary language?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I think pros could have a simple sign in a picture frame with a stand that they could set up at the beginning of each cuddle session to nip this ideain the bud. All it needs to say is:

    Don’t hump the help.

  • garrablancagarrablanca

    @DarrenWalker mmmh changing the subject?
    Yeah maybe "antipathetic" it's not the correct word... I should use "unfriendly".

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    So what if English is not garra’s first language? (I do not not know if it is or is not). Seems awfully selfish for someone to lord that over them or point out to “win” a disagreement. Be adult, meet them halfway and show them we are not all “ugly Americans”.

  • [Deleted User]MissX (deleted user)

    @FunCartel Lol on the sign. :p

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @FunCartel

    Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    @hogboblin too funny. (not feeding, just enjoying).

    @FunCartel excellent on the sign!!!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @garrablanca: If I speak your main language even a little, maybe we can communicate better. I mean, I didn't say or even imply that relationships ought to be unbalanced, I just pointed out that caring about someone doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to them (even slightly). So how did you get that impression? Well, if I knew what language you think in, the misunderstanding might make more sense to me. Grammar (and the implications associated with different words in various languages) does make a difference in how people interpret things.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    And Darren steps up!

  • WhiteWaterGuideWhiteWaterGuide
    edited February 2019

    I know I will have haters for saying this... Why will you not hire the local homeless person to babysit your kids. We all prejudge. Is this wrong?.. Only if it unfair. I own a mirror and know I’m not a 10 out of 10. So there are shollow woman who will right me off. I think cuddling is not sexual, but intimate. Much like getting a legal massage. I prefer a woman. I can cope with a male masseuse, it is just easier for me relax with a female. The quote unquote ugly girl, would take longer for the guy to relax. To be honest a hot girl would be even more intimidating for me... I do believe there are many guys out there, that can’t separate intimacy with sexuality. I hope it is easy for woman to see... men who are here for the wrong reasons. Men please look at other sites. Just my 2 cents.

  • LoreleiLorelei

    I realize you’re aiming this mostly at men but you did not say “only” at men; therefore:

    Two straight women can cuddle each other, acknowledge that the other person is aesthetically nice to look at (perhaps they feel safer with someone who has a pleasant, pretty appearance) and feel absolutely nothing in terms of attraction or sexual impulses whatsoever.

    ... xD And before you tell me that that’s just women and men can’t / won’t do that, well, that’s because you’re in western culture.

    There are some eastern cultures where a guy can sit on another guy’s lap, and it is absolutely non-sexual; (source - an English teacher who travels to other countries) they might even insult you for doing something they perceived as homosexual, but to them, their actions were natural.

    It’s our attitude; how we portray things, how we perceive things, the fact that we INSIST all physical closeness involving a man must be about sex.

    I’m sorry to say that insisting that cuddling is ALWAYS sexual is actually part of the problem. Heck, when I was a child, my mother insisted that two men couldn’t share a bear hug without being close family or it was automatically gay. I sure wish people wouldn’t insist on seeing cuddling that way, I would’ve been treated much better by more clients... but for those who did understand that closeness doesn’t always have to be sexual in nature and respect boundaries, I thank you.

  • LoreleiLorelei

    @DarrenWalker Well said, as always. ?

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