No Female Moderators??

TisDoneyTisDoney
edited March 2019 in General

Soooo... it recently came to my attention that this website has NO female moderators. I feel like that is something super extra important on a website like this.

I do appreciate all the work that has been put into the site and the careful attention that our current staff of 3 does to make us feel safer.

I think there should be moderators of all shapes, sizes, colors and genders in regions around the world. There is too much sketchy stuff I am hearing from pros that I have personally met with from different parts of the US.

I think it could really benefit the website. I think it could help with all the people experiencing body violations of all genders. There is a strong need for this. I think this website could really make a difference in people's lives... beyond cuddling... it creates community, healing and so much more.

Think of the vision this website could have? Seriously, imagine the potential? There should be more staff. This is growing and needs to evolve with the times.

In addition to more moderators, there needs to be staff or volunteers that can console people who have unsavory experiences here. There are a lot of individuals with sexual trauma who feel alone, it doesn't need to be that way. This community could chime in and heal together.

There also needs to be education for the people interested in how to voice and enforce boundaries. That could be volunteers that make educational videos, or articles like I do.

Let's make this site a more inclusive and healing platform that goes beyond just meeting someone to cuddle. Let's help change the lives of those who need help. We are all in this together.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited March 2019

    Moderating a website can be kind of a pain. It takes time and effort, not to mention costing the mod a certain amount of forum freedom (since they're representing the site now).

    As the only agender person on here that I know of: I don't think I want to be a mod. And if others from my gender group did, and applied, who would vet them? Reading through the Suggestions thread, it seems like there's so much to do on the site, there's hardly time to interview people and make sure you're getting help, not sneaky trolls who want to be behind the scenes in positions of power.

    Far as the emotional labor thing goes—consoling people and whatnot—that hardly needs female mods to do it. Why not let users step up? Isn't that kind of the point of a community? Sure, this site could use some more genders of mod than just male, but not to soothe and educate: to moderate.

    Leastways, that's what I think.

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    I am glad to see this post got put back online from being blocked or deleted from the general public, it is an important point and I have had this conversation with multiple EXPERIENCED and NEW pros on this site and they agree.

    I support and agree on this.

    I would rather volunteer to be a moderator and help the site then keep feeling like I'm not being represented in my field. Regardless of forum freedom.

    From what I gather, I don't believe all moderators are even compensated for this role according to the grapevine. I have tons of professionals coming to me daily asking for advice or stories of feeling not taken care of as professionals, and I freely am here for anyone who feels any less than how you should be treated.

    With my BA in psychology and my elaborate work history of working in many roles. Including the law office I work remotely for now, representation of ALL people is a huge passion of mine.

    I too, question, why we do not have female representation on a site with so much of a saturation of female to male pros and their experiences being lackluster due to feeling uncomfortable or not supported on their view points.

    Having female moderators is less to do with emotional coddling and more so for safety and view points of the majority of this site. Emotional support is usually on the forums and users, that's not the point.

    Why is it such a touchy subject to bring up?
    Why would this post be hidden at all?

    WE ALL deserve representation who can represent, not just recommend.

    It would help the site in marketing, support, and optimal income for the owner. No one wants to be around feeling ambiguity in any area of their life. ?

  • [Deleted User]SoulcuddlerZ (deleted user)

    Hmm--- I get the feeling that this will be very sensitive indeed, for better or worse. But for now, I will temporarily sticky this as of 26 MAR 2019 19:03 EDT.

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited March 2019

    @DarrenWalker

    “Sure, this site could use some more genders of mod than just male, but not to soothe and educate: to moderate.”

    Seconded.

    I think that the “healing platform” @TisDoney suggested is unrealistically grand and absurdly optimistic.

    I mean, some struggle with the concept that professional cuddlers are people and not things.

    So, yeah, more mods of different genders is a good idea.

  • laylanielaylanie
    edited March 2019

    I think some diversity would be good to have. It seems like a pro wouldn't be the best candidate in my opinion, only because of the dedication it takes to moderate a forum. I use to do things like that in high school and remember spending a minimum of 4 to 5 hours a day maintaining the peace.
    I've never gotten the vibe that the site is against having multiple demographics of people who moderate, and I would hope that anyone who is a moderator is because they are the best candidate for the task and not just a number to fill a slot to fulfil a diversity quota.
    Of course this is just my opinion.

  • respectfulrespectful

    @MissAdventurous "I have tons of professionals coming to me daily asking for advice or stories of feeling not taken care of as professionals"

    What would it look like for professionals to be better taken care of?

    "their experiences being lackluster due to feeling uncomfortable or not supported on their view points."

    Can you give examples of view points that have not been supported? (Or an idea of the kind of thing?)

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous
    edited March 2019

    You are an avid person on the forums and respond often enough on these forums to answer your own questions.

    The subject matter is female representation. That is what it would look better for professionals to be taken care of. Simple as that.

    Any professional cuddler can give you their own anecdotes. I do not tell others personal private ordeals. ?

  • TisDoneyTisDoney

    @respectful

    An example is there is a man stalking women in the Vanvouver/Portland area. He has created fake female accounts, played with pros by getting them to show up to locations and not be there.

    There have been at least 4 cuddlers on this site that have reported them who are both male and female about his crazy behavior, but yet he still has their account and the fakes active.

    Doesn't exactly promote the feeling of safety.

    I personally met him and he violated my boundaries.

    I have also met a cuddler who never had any issues with him while actually cuddling him. She knew there were inconsistencies with his stories but that didn't bug her. He respected her boundaries.

    Why the manipulation and games? Why no action? Is it because we don't have enough moderators?

    If any of these other people I met and compared stories with about him, had power to help make this community here feel safer by removing his access to new cuddlers entering this realm, I would forever be thankful.

    There's just not enough time or people to investigate each claim on this site. Each community of people should have some voice because it directly effects them.

  • [Deleted User]SoulcuddlerZ (deleted user)

    @TisDoney Is any of this recent? And I do concede that we have a cat & mouse problem at the moment. Some people who get banned like to return on new accounts, and extra measures are required. There's also the question of what happens to innocent people who get caught in the crosshairs.

    I've heard of multiple suggestions to mitigate the current cat & mouse problem as well as others, such as site background checks and requiring a payment method on file from clients. The first one sounds better. There's also additional site functions in the works to mitigate fake/burner accounts.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited March 2019

    @MissAdventurous Possible miscommunication ... I am on your side!! Very much so. Of course I agree it would be great to have female moderators too. Anyone with the availability and some web skills should probably talk to @Mark about it.

    The reason for asking for specifics (thank you @TisDoney) is to think about what a concrete solution would involve rather than keeping things abstract.

    "The subject matter is female representation. That is what it would look better for professionals to be taken care of."

    If the moderators are all male, do women here not feel like their concerns are genuinely understood? I don't completely get that. @reurbo and @soulcuddlerZ (the forum mods) are very firm about the issue of keeping things non-sexual on this site and getting rid of predators.

    @TisDoney "Why no action? Is it because we don't have enough moderators?"

    It sounds like complaints have been made, but he hasn't been banned yet. My understanding is that there is an investigation into complaints before someone is banned, so the issues might be:

    -- there is a backlog of complaints being investigated, and the moderators are a bit overwhelmed

    -- there might be some difficulty blocking his accounts for some reason (maybe he uses different computers)

    But I am sure the reason is not because the moderators are male. They do take this kind of thing very seriously.

    Edit: A practical suggestion: post photos of known violators on the pro forum, so they can't easily come back? But I guess that doesn't solve fake photo problems. And there could be a lot of photos to look through.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    Moderators should not be a professional cuddler too.
    That would be problematic.
    Don't see the need for a female moderator but if you do add one it should not be a pro.

  • EsquireEsquire

    Since the vast majority of problem members are men, perhaps men are best suited to root them out.

    As for the other feel good, hold your hands proposals, they seem beyond the scope or mission of this website. Adults need to do some vetting on their own and should have learned how to say No.

    Ps. I also majored in psychology, and, have 50 years of experience adulting

  • TisDoneyTisDoney

    @Esquire
    The problem is not everyone is capable of saying no because of a psychological occurrence called brain freeze. With information overload, fight flight or freeze activates and sometimes freeze seems the safest. It also lowers your IQ so thinking clearly goes out the window.

    I grew up in a very small isolated town, I knew nothing of manipulation until well into my adulthood. It wasn't until a large quantity of research and bad experiences before I broke out of freezing.

    If a man knows where you live, has your information, is bigger than you, and is skilled in manipulation and you've just become his next sexual interest... violation or rape seems like a lesser evil than upsetting him and risking violence or worse.

    Thing is, our society has not prepared people to set boundaries and enforce them. Individuals might not even know they are missing this skill.

    If someone has been victimized once, they are then 2 to 13 times more likely to be revictimized. Its not a matter of just saying your boundaries... if you identified them, or never learned how to enforce them... how do you expect them to fair against repeat offenders who know what they are doing?

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 2019

    @Esquire It is not always a matter of saying no. It is also a matter of taking no for an answer, which is the broader issue that the poster is speaking about. We all can agree that we are adults and should conduct ourselves as such, which means taking responsibility for out actions and also not really expecting others to "fix" us. However your comment does seem to minimize the experiences that some women go through on this site, which is a very real problem.
    Nothing wrong with the suggestion of having a support system. You seem dismissive, not sure if it is intentional, however that is how you are coming across.

  • laylanielaylanie
    edited March 2019

    I don't see why gender or even expanding to race should play a role at all in moderating. The concern is that the site has a lack of moderators (a non-gender title in and of itself). Experience on moderating and a background in web solutions/security should be the focus. I fear tribalism is speaking louder that the pragmatic approach of finding resources that are conducive to the main goal. Our pros do not feel safe and we have examples of burner accounts that have wreaked havoc. I could careless about what pronoun the moderator goes by as long as they are cognizant of what the problem they seek to fix and that they are effective in doing so.

    Edit: also as an afterthought, for burner account blocks, usually you can ban by ip address. It may not help if the person is utilizing a VPN as that would change the subnet and they could re-enter, but eventually the behavior could be slowed down due to the extra work involved with relocating your ip to another region over and over, on top of creating a new profile.

  • guyinupland909guyinupland909

    Few thoughts:
    1. Strongly agree that there should be at least 1 female moderator, if not more.
    2. I think it's okay for the site to be the site. I don't think it needs to be converted into a sexual trauma healing center. That's a worth endeavor and I guess it tangentially connects to the mission of the site, but I think it's largely outside the scope.
    3. A site like this is pretty much all about the pros, for better or worse. On the one hand, I don't think there needs to be more emphasis here, but I do agree that helping create a safe environment for everyone is important and that includes appropriate responses to pros and non-pros who have experienced violations.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited March 2019

    Some female representation might be necessary to quell such outcry. The lack of a certain gender or sex in the patrolling of this site isn't something that bothers me personally at the end of the day as long as the bad apples are being plucked out, I hadn't really given a thought as to why there aren't any females moderating. Maybe it's time though. That said, I don't know of any longtime, non-pro females who are active enough on here and have a neutral enough mindset to take up the role. By "neutral enough", I mean that many times we women can jump to conclusions based on emotions more often than our male brethren. That can affect how we make decisions. Also, if you notice the mods we currently have, they are very straightforward and balanced in their postings and dealings with us without sharing opinions that may lean here or there, and stir controversy. In fact, they don't post much at all unless necessary.

    I'm sure that if there are users up for that task that Mark has in mind, he knows who they are.

    I also agree that it should not be a pro.

    Also, any ladies here with backend experience running a forum and website development? Raise your hand if that's you and maybe you'd be considered first.

    For a start, if anybody really wants to help out, please don't limit it to being promoted to such a position. There's a lot you can be doing to help out without obtaining the title. Patrol your own local areas and do searches of areas close to you, weed out those who are suspicious and coming from other places where you know there is an inappropriate agenda. Keep giving advice and being a beacon.. Nobody needs to moderate to do this.

    I agree that the site is undermoderated, and that should be the main concern above all else. I am positive that our mod staff already know of some females who have shown to be incredibly mature and may be demonstrating that mindset via their advice and participation. I can name three, but won't identify them. The problem is that they're pros, and nobody should need to explain why allowing pros to moderate could be a bad idea.

  • EsquireEsquire

    Not against diversity. Forgot to get that out of the way.

    Some folks need to deal with personal issues, trauma, or upbringing before attempting this activity. Maybe it's not for you, yet.

  • SideonSideon

    Non-pro female moderators would be a good thing. If the admin here decide to open it up to more moderators, I would hope that those who are interested and not currently pros would apply. I don't have a beef with moderators here whether everyone was all male, all female, or diverse.

    Moderating or administering forums takes work, consistency, knowledge of the rules, and participation. I've been on forums where new moderators come on board but no one knows anything about them, which means they need to be posting more and being a part of the community, not above it. Disclaimer: I'm an admin on several gaymer forums and it's 1) constant reminding about the rules, 2) reinforcement and even-handedness with those rules, 3) sometimes (many times) wondering if people are literate and how they possibly type in the first place, and 4) enjoying the communities which end up with personalities and quirks of their own.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @respectful says, "If the moderators are all male, do women here not feel like their concerns are genuinely understood? I don't completely get that," and @laylanie says, "I don't see why gender or even expanding to race should play a role at all in moderating."

    Personally, I think different a/genders see things from different angles, so the more genders you get moderating, the more angles are covered. Makes it harder for bad behaviors to fly under the radar.

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    I think it's a big fallacy that just because a moderator is a man, he can't represent the interests of women. Many of us have wives, sisters or daughters and we represent their interests daily.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited March 2019

    @DarrenWalker "Personally, I think different a/genders see things from different angle"

    I actually agree; thus the start of my post, "I agree it would be great to have female moderators".

    But for the specific problem of dealing with predators, boundary pushing etc., I am not seeing how a female moderator would act much differently to a male one. Both would ban someone who crosses the line.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @UKGuy: Sure, men can represent women's interests. Many women are interested in men.

    Removing my tongue from my cheek—no one does a better job of representing women's interests than women. People are generally much better at representing their own interests than the interests of others. I mean, it's so much easier to see your own interests, and so much harder to miss stuff when it's your interests it's affecting.

    It's like white people representing the interests of black people: sure they can do it! But let black people do it too. They'll do a better job, and won't miss stuff on their side of the fence. Let's everybody stand up for everybody's best interests, huh?

    @respectful: I'm thinking she'd be more likely to spot stuff other genders of mod might miss, that's all. Types of predatory behavior that only women realize is predatory because men are socialized to ignore it, ways of pushing boundaries that only work on female gendered types (so other genders don't even realize that would work to push a boundary back from where the owner wanted it)... that type of thing.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited March 2019

    @DarrenWalker "Types of predatory behavior that only women realize is predatory because men are socialized to ignore it"

    Possibly, but I think the moderators we have are pretty sensitive to it.

    Good point about groups respresenting their own interests.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited March 2019

    Well said UKGuy... Sorry, can't tag with the symbol as the keyboard buttons on my cell have gone bonkers. I think that men are not given enough credit as to their ability to commiserate with women, and the same goes here. I have been stalked, violated, and each time the mods have been prompt and I never felt like there was no concern. Some may feel differently, but I think that if you need intense emotional assurance after a very traumatic situation, it's better to visit a live therapist instead of a forum.

    We're a generally caring community and that has been well established. I see ladies in all forum sections who offer to be there in their spare time, to mentor, to help. I don't see what needs to change or improve regarding this...if anything, more people just need to add their voice and be that light of their own volition. No need to make a big development out of it.

    Darren also makes a very valid point here and in the beginning of the post. I think as long as we are doing the selection for honest reasons rather than to fill a quota or supposed emotional need... After all, there is plenty of conversation going on that centers around support, diversification can only be a good thing and ultimately is just adding more captains to a ship which is frankly getting too big to man alone.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)
    edited March 2019

    @respectful: Oh yeah, I think the mods we have now are great.

    I just think that, if the site needed more mods, expanding the gender profile would be a good idea. There are probably plenty of non-men on here who'd make good mods, right? So maybe pick one of them the next time a new moderator is needed, et voila—somebody practically guaranteed to spot stuff most men miss, without even having to try too hard.

    Sort of a specialist thing, I guess. More of a "would be nice" than a "must have" ...probably. Unless all kinds of stuff is slipping past the male mods, and we really need other genders of mod to catch it?

    Not seeing that myself, but hey: I've only got the one point of view.

    Edit: Changed "women" to "non-men."

  • mickcuddlemickcuddle
    edited March 2019

    While I definitely support the idea of a female moderator, and maybe other variations, I caution the the more moderators we have, the more moderation we get. I see a slight increase in the number of threads that are closed by moderation and I perceive a sharp increase in bans. Not to say that much of this is not well-intentioned, but.....

  • TisDoneyTisDoney

    Women violated by a man don't always feel comfortable talking to a man.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @TisDoney....And then there's that. Hadn't considered that. It's a good point.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @mickcuddle

    ...what?

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