Boundaries

[Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)
in General

This has happened to me Every. Single. Time. I set up a session, we agree to the terms of zero inappropriate conduct and then they try to push things further. Asking for topless or naked cuddling or grouping/touching. When I call them out on it, they say well I’m paying for it/I’ll pay for it. Like my body is owed to them. And try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to push things or for not feeling comfortable with the environment. Are there any non-creepy people on this site or am I destined to cuddle Handsy McGees from here on out?

«13

Comments

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited March 2019

    @Andderss

    First off, I'm so, so sorry you've had this experience. No one has the right to anyone's body and those who violate boundaries and continue when asked to stop are absolutely vile individuals. I've been a pro for almost 2.5 years (1 of them being on this site), and I can tell you that the majority of the people I've consulted with did not actually make it into a session with me, and quite a few who did violated me in similar ways. I know where you're at.

    If you're relatively new, don't give up hope. There are respectful clients out there who understand what platonic cuddles are about and will adhere to the rules. They just require a lot of patience to find, and a lot of sorting needs to be done to get to them. What's your vetting process? I make sure to stress the platonic nature of this activity several times before a meeting, and once my profile is back online, they will be required to sign a contract before anything begins. I mention that if anything feels intentionally inappropriate, I leave. I used to do a three-strike kind of thing, but now it's absolutely no tolerance. This can motivate clients to keep themselves in check, because they don't want to lose out on their money.

    I recommend that you network with some of the pros here who can be found in the "pro only" forum. You can access that to the right on a desktop computer, or at the top on your mobile browser. There is a thread there for identifying questionable/problematic clients. Make sure to report the users breaking boundaries so that their account is investigated and (hopefully) banned. It's important that this doesn't happen to you or anyone else.

    That said, I understand it can be hard to know how to react in that situation once you're actually in it and your brain temporarily shuts off. Just know that you do not have to put up with this BS, and try to take that with you into every session. Do not accept guilt from anybody, not even yourself, and be firm. You are here to help others relax, be in the moment and heal. Not to be somebody's sexy body pillow or covert sex worker - communicate this clearly.

    I might even suggest writing a longer profile and disclaimer that leaves absolutely no room for interpretation, such as adding in the fact that you will report anyone who is violating site terms, and I might also recommend taking a copy of the client agreement with you to your sessions and having 15 minutes before the session to read them with the client and have them sign it. Have phone consultations the night before to really suss out what this person is after. You will get to know whether this person is after a genuine platonic experience if you dig deep enough. Granted, you will run into those who are wolves in sheep's clothing and will just test boundaries once they've got you in their premises, but at that point, you need to just let them know that "no means no" and walk away.

  • [Deleted User]denveromelette (deleted user)

    I feel like when the price of professional cuddling is so high it brings in seedy people. A lot of the people using the site the right way are priced out if they want regular sessions for more than an hour with some of the prices. And most of the clientele left using pros probably is the same crowd using escorts.
    You could have a careful screening or simply look for cuddlers with positive karma to avoid the creeps.

  • BabichevBabichev

    I've run into this problem, too. Even though I'm very explicit in my profile, mention it in email messages, and talk about it explicitly when we first meet, they still do it. I've decided that I'm going to require a longer getting-to-know-you period via email before I agree to meet anyone.

    I'm 66 years old and the guys doing this are in their 60s.

    Definitely report them if they violate the rules.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @denveromelette Yes, this is true, especially if the pro is heading towards the $100 and up route. My rate is only $60, and I feel that that's the ballpark where newbies and pros who do not have any formal training should be. As you gain more experience, then you can up your rate to reflect that. But the biggest thing is communication of intent... if you are communicating clearly, you weed out the people who aren't treating this as the esoteric, therapeutic experience it is and say, "For that amount of money, I can go get full service on another site."

    And most of the clientele left using pros probably is the same crowd using escorts.

    I would not be surprised if there was a large number of clients who have procured sex workers, however it's not anyone's business if they're not harming anyone or bringing that intent to this particular table. As long as I'm comfortable around them, and they know that sex work is not something that I do and they respect that, I could care less what other types of hobbyism they're into.

  • [Deleted User]denveromelette (deleted user)

    I agree with you carloaf regarding pricing. And ironically I have had bad poor experiences with the higher priced pros. There seems to be no correlation between price and a good professional in my area at least.

  • Brant76Brant76

    @Andderss As a man I want to apologize for those of my gender who just don’t get it and make it so much harder for men like me who actually want to find a platonic cuddle partner and are not pushing or angling for more than that. I’m sorry you had to go through that. While they are compensating you for your time while providing a service, they have no right to violate your boundaries.

    There are good people in this community, some of us are even male. Sadly the stupid ones ruin it for everyone by making people feel unsafe.

  • sweetangelpmsweetangelpm

    I had no idea where to put this since this is starting to ddiscourage me now. I get messages from some that want me to meet them right away since I have no clue who they are or have gotten to meet them first. I want to have some time for the friendship to develop before I can say it is okay for me to cuddle with them. I am blind so I have to be extra careful and also I am in a relationship as well. I have had to update my profile just this evening to make sure it explains how I want things to be. Not sure I am saying this right since again, I am starting to get very discourage and very uncomfortable when some ask a question and not know me well enough yet. Sorry but I did not whether to post a new thread on this or not. But, I saw the thread and felt this would fit here.

  • Jade25Jade25

    I do find that some clients believe the higher costing pros provide "more". They assume because some of us charge upwards to $100-$120 an hour that it's much more than just a platonic cuddle.
    That's one of those reasons why I kept my price so low from the beginning. I didn't want some people to feel like they're entitled to "get their money's worth."

    It's not fair to us pros because we should be able to make whatever price we want without being seen as an escort.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    @Jade25 Wise & kind goddess.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @sweetangelpm

    Trust your gut, always. Even if sometimes it has steered you wrong or given you a wrong perception, there is a reason it's going off whether due to a past negative experience, or you are actually seeing something sketchy there. Take inventory. Try not to get too discouraged. There are so many caring and genuine folks out here, but as is with life there is always a predator or opportunist you need to watch out for. The best thing you can do is live by the old mantra: if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, even though there may be cases where you are not sure if it really is a duck, you may have to wait for the duck to present itself before you can really make that conclusion. ?

  • sweetangelpmsweetangelpm

    Thank you! I appreciate that. And, I am sure there are some very nice people on here. I just get discourage when someone starts to message you and the first question after hello and how are you is, can we meet and cuddle right away. I need to get that off my chest and I feel a little better honestly.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @sweetangelpm Oh, that's such a common commiseration amongst us women. A lot of the time, guys don't get it, and it really does get annoying after dealing with it so many times. Once they show us that they don't get it, it's out the door they go, and although we try to stay optimistic it's easy to get discouraged. We think "Good grief, not another one, why me? Why can't I just find the normal people here?" The solution is to turn that narrative around and think, "Hey, thanks for dropping those hints, because that smells like a garbage dump that I do not want or need to dive into!"

    I hope you find what you're looking for. Bless.

  • sweetangelpmsweetangelpm

    Thanks

  • pmvinespmvines

    @Jade25 I have sometimes thought that too, that the higher the rate the more likely one might be to assume there is more offered. You had said keeping your rate more moderate helps curb that. Do you ever find folks hinting that they will give you a tip if you do more?

  • pmvinespmvines

    @sweetangelpm I think some of the folks here assume that because this is a cuddle site, means if you are on here by default you are chomping at the bit to go run meet a random stranger to cuddle with. They dont always account for the fact that, as with any social situation, there is a process to that, and all people have different levels of comfort. I have met some people same day that i start messaging them. and others i have spoken to for months without even exchanging personal info. Not everyone is the same, but not everyone seems to recognize that.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    This is just me trying to get this straight, because I price what I think is fair for my location. I have this automatic target on me that labels me as a potential sex worker and will have things go further? I get my price is higher than some but I live in New York and traveling to a different burrow can take anywhere between 1-2 hours one way. And if a session is in a different state (NJ or CT), that’s additional money and travel time. I feel like it’s fair as far as New York prices go. I don’t host at my place because I do have a roommate and I respect our space because it’s not just mine. And I know this sounds a little overall unfeeling but shouldn’t it be fair for both parties? And this is strictly on the transactional/business side of this site. Overall, I’m here to help, heal and connect with people. I just have a major problem with assuming my body is owed to them. Obviously this isn’t the exact same thing but you don’t pay a counselor a certain amount of money and expect them to then take off their top?

    @Brant76 thank you :)

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    I hear many pro cuddlers compare this to professional therapy. Here's why that's a bad comparison.
    First off all, I looked into becoming a therapist...it takes years of school and a lot of money to get that education plus you have to take licensing exams and spend a lot of time interning somewhere! So its not something like pro cuddling where anyone can do it with zero qualifications....
    Second, I use insurance for therapy and only pay $20 per session.

  • [Deleted User]denveromelette (deleted user)

    Melancholy I think it is similar to therapy. A lot of therapists use a mirroring technique in a session that doesn’t require years of learning. Yes, they did go to school to train, but that does not guarantee all that education will make someone a good therapist.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I get what melancholy is saying though. You start making baseless claims on something you read and you run the risk of a professional organization taking legal action or a governmental organization clamping down on an entire industry.

    Doctors go to med school and while Joe Blow on the street can rattle off health risks (smoking, drinking, obesity etc) I do not want Mr. Blow involved with my treatment. Yes cuddling makes you feel better—but making claims when you are not a licensed mental or physical health practitioner is inviting trouble the community does not need.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    Never once did I say this exactly like going to therapy or counseling. “Obviously this isnt the exact same thing...”. Insert whatever other profession you can think of and it would be the same thing. You can’t just go to place and pay for a service and then expect that person to then take off their shirt.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    Also, reposting this from a pervious inbox message:
    I think people just assume I’m stupid and going in blind and not taking the necessary precautions. I ask what their intentions and expectations are, I explicitly say that I abide by all rules and regulations the website states and they say they do as well. I met them in a public place first before entering their home. And I’m still met with a guy trying to go further.

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    @Andderss - your profile contains a laundry list of services and prices. I suggest you remove all that and simply state an hourly fee for 'platonic cuddling'. And clearly state that those looking for other services go elsewhere. I'm sure this will filter out most of the undesirables. You only joined this month, so it's early days to be complaining or giving up, try a different approach instead!

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited March 2019

    I think people just assume I’m stupid and going in blind and not taking the necessary precautions.

    @Andderss If this is directed at my response, I'm sorry that my inquiries made you feel uncomfortable. I asked and offered the advice because I noticed that you had just signed up this month, had a short profile (which is still clear as day to me, but may not be to others), and you posted this thread seemingly out of frustration that you aren't getting what you're looking for. I've been on that end and thought I could offer you some suggestions as to what you can do to further weed out the bad apples which also helped me on my journey.

    Nothing that happened is your fault, and I am not trying to imply that you're blind and stupid. You're going to meet people who pretend to comply with the rules and your boundaries on paper, and then in person it's a whole different story no matter how many precautions you take, and no matter your experience level. There are pros here who claim to have never been taken advantage of because they take the necessary precautions and these folks just don't get in. I don't think that that's the entire truth, and if it is, they've been incredibly lucky. Maybe they just don't want to be honest about having let their guard down, or being taken advantage of... we're all human and have made mistakes or had oversights.

    The thing that concerned me and motivated my post also was your mention of this happening "every. single. time." Listen, I have been there. Sometimes I still am there. I was just offering you another avenue to look down as to how you can make it better and empower yourself when you come across these situations.

    If it was unwarranted, I do apologise.

    @melancholy Off-topic:

    I agree that one should not put pro cuddling services on the same par as therapy/counselling. I do not deny the proven benefits of seeing a therapist, however I cannot deny that cuddling doesn't feel like a therapeutic experience to me. Many things I do and take part in are not tied to my therapist and some of them are: cuddling, exercise, journaling, singing, gaming, aromatherapy etc. Rather than see it as its own stand-alone therapy (a licensed professional is needed to take it into that direction, and more research is badly needed), try to see it as a supplement that some people choose. I'm allowed to hug my therapist during a session because I've explained what I do and how it helps me. Others may not have this luxury. I had a client who was a clinically diagnosed sex addict in recovery with a therapist who suggested professional cuddling services as a way to introduce him to boundary-building and understanding the nuances of physical contact and that it does not need to lead to sex. It's important to view it as a supplement, not a replacement.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    @UKGuy I didn’t have the “laundry list” before so I made it to take some of the confusion of it and in hopes ease any potential awkwardness the person might have. I was told then that $100 is too much for platonic cuddling. I think at the end of the day there is no right way to have a profile. Either people will like it or have issues with it. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

    @Catloaf it’s just my frustrations in general. I feel as if people just think I’m not being safe about it. And it’s hard to make sure people are actually saying they comply. Anyone can lie. Which is why I go through my measures, or I at least try to. But I do get what you’re saying, communication is always tricky via the Internet.

  • [Deleted User]denveromelette (deleted user)

    Annderrs, I think all reasonable people agree you did nothing wrong and were the victim.

  • EsquireEsquire

    @Andderss
    Nothing about your laundry list of services would lead me to think more than platonic service is available. The lone exception, which always raises an eyebrow, is the overnight cuddle. One opinion.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    @denveromelette just sucky. To follow the rules and still end up being violated in one way or another

    @Esquire I’m on the fence about that service. I did notice some professionals offering it too so I thought it was just another service.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @Andderss Some pros have a higher comfort level to offer it, but often also have a fine print of "I offer overnights, but only for those I trust and have completed x amount of successful sessions with". I recommend that if you intend to keep that on your repertoire. I used to offer this prior to January 2018, but too many people were taking it to mean more than it was, and so I removed it entirely from my list of packages.

  • [Deleted User]Andderss (deleted user)

    @Catloaf noted. I took it off. It’s better/easier to just not mess with that.

  • [Deleted User]Zundar (deleted user)

    As a bit of a counterbalance to cuddlers wanting overnights right off the bat I'd be quite wary of any pro that offered them to new cuddlers/ones without feedback.

Sign In or Register to comment.