Shame. Shame. Shame.

[Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)
edited April 2019 in General

That you would have the need to begin with.

That you would have to ask a stranger to fill that need.

That you must pay a professional to provide for that need.

I’m probably not the only one new to this, completely confused by what I think on the one hand, but what I’ve been conditioned my entire life to feel on the other hand.

I’m sure there are lots of articles, posts, studies, and workshops about that feeling of shame, but I wanted to bring it up because I know that I am not unique.

I know that others feel this way.

I’m simply voicing it in order to let whoever else feels this way know: You are not alone.

Comments

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited April 2019

    Having needs makes you human. Acknowledging them makes you honest and real. Acting on them by reaching out to others makes you wise. Being vulnerable with a stranger makes you brave. Paying a professional to satisfy a legitimate need makes you ... quite happy, I think. :)

    May the shame melt away as you melt into another's embrace.

  • [Deleted User]9starwisher9 (deleted user)

    My view on this: Society was built to preserve itself, not to fill your unique individual needs. If you need to step outside of the box to give yourself happiness then do it. As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else there is no shame.

  • neil808neil808

    Everyone is a stranger until they become more and mean something to you. All friendships begin like that. Giving and Receiving is in the very nature of the universe. As long it is not a transaction in the pursuit of mindless hedonism, then the seeking can lead to mutual joy and it can be without shame or guilt.

  • [Deleted User]Ridha (deleted user)

    That's cognitive dissonance. A way to "fight" it is to think and meditate about what you are ashamed of and deconstruct it to its basic premises and kind of debate yourself.
    In the end, you're supposed to change one or more of your beliefs.

    In this case, but i could be mistaken and i'm not in your head:

    Belief 1: I'm a person that can always controls their emotional needs...
    Belief 2: I will never pay for something as trivial as a cuddle...
    Belief 3: I crave so much for human contact/cuddle that i would even go as far as pay for it...

    So, you need to drop either 1 and 2 or the 3rd Belief as they are contradictory.

    I struggled with something in the same way (Kind of like belief 2 and 3) but i believe that paying for cuddling will create a weird power dynamic and will spoil the experience as part of it, for me, is to give as much as to take. So i tried it and it confirmed that it wasn't for me as i was weirded out by it and it wasn't that cool of an experience so it reinforced my belief to not pay for cuddles and corrected my stance on craving the cuddles so much as to pay for them.

    I hope you find the right position to hold for yourself. (don't hesitate to go to a psychologist if this shame is getting too much in your head. Their job is to facilitate this discussion)

  • garrablancagarrablanca

    I'm sorry to read that you feel shame, but in my case is loneliness or sadness the two feelings that jumps out because of this need.

    And is a pity that all this need of caressing, it is just been losing without being enjoyed.

    Because in the game of cuddling both parties give and receive in this wonderful tenderly interchange of caress.
    It takes time to find a good cuddle partner, but hey in life nothing happens for free, every single act required some investment of energy and time.

    Let's be brave and invest some effort to find one.

    The good news is that there is people looking for the very same thing, coddles.

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    @CharlesTwisted very well written and a very good share and topic to discuss. I hope that people that do experience shame with these issues and others in their lives find ways to overcome that shame and embrace their needs, wants and desires with an open heart and open mind.

    I remember a long time ago telling students - "The day you wake up and no longer have care or concern for what others think of you is the first day you start living the rest of your life for you. Embrace and run with that if you ever find that peace."

    Good luck to all of you that struggle with this and other hinderances to your own happiness.

  • ChocolatetreatChocolatetreat

    I feel that society makes you feel like if your a healthy male/female you should be able to find a partner to cuddle with you without paying, its like paying for a date nobody respects that and if you have confidence you wouldn't have to. But on the other hand i can understand somebody that has a disability, mental issues or traumatic experience needing to hire a professional cuddler.

  • [Deleted User]Baltimore_MD_ (deleted user)

    I don't know that I feel shame exactly. It's difficult to articulate but I'll try.

    The summary:
    Not shame, just a sense that a man desiring platonic cuddling is not "manly" and there's no real way to ask for cuddling in society without alienating your friends. So here I am on cuddlecomfort.

    The details:
    The impression I get from "society at large" (movies, television, even private conversations with some male friends) is that men are "supposed" to have a high sex drive, want sex all the time, and when the male has orgasamed (regardless if the woman has orgasmed or not) then it's over and the man rolls over and is done with human contact until the next time he wants sex. Similarly if a man is out and about in the world seeking consensual interactions with women, he's after sex, he's after getting an orgasm. Those are impressions I've picked up from reading between the lines. Nobody says it out loud like that. But I feel like movies and television and even some male friends I know sort of agree, implicitly, quietly, that that's the expectation on men.

    So when I find myself desiring cuddling, it feel almost like it's something I'm not supposed to want. The desire almost feels "unnatural". It's this weird subconscious thing. Because my vision for cuddling is either being on a comfy couch or laying in bed wrapped up in a nice blanket holding each other in our arms, watching or listening to something with a woman, our bodies touching, but not in a strictly sexual way. It's comforting - that's the key word for me. It's comforting, it's relaxing, it's peaceful. Like a prolonged, tight, warm hug from someone you really care about or something similar. The desire for that does not fall within the definition of "manly desires" in the previous paragraph. And so when I find myself desiring human contact, desiring cuddles - my subconscious is saying "You're not desiring a manly thing, what's wrong with you?"

    So it's not really shame, it's just... awkward? Frustrating, a little, I guess? Because I have wonderful single female friends and some who are not single who I wish it were possible to say "Hey, would you mind cuddling for a little bit?" No groping, no trying to make out or have sex. Just... holding each other for a while and relaxing and letting all the stress melt away then going about the rest of our day after. You can't do that in the current rules of society or you risk seriously alienating your friends. So that's what brought me here.

  • [Deleted User]Baltimore_MD_ (deleted user)

    @Chocolatetreat - you make a GREAT point: Because in the game of cuddling both parties give and receive in this wonderful tenderly interchange of caress. It goes both ways! I wouldn't want to cuddle with someone who is just doing it for money. A key component of cuddling is a positive energy exchange.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited April 2019

    @Baltimore_MD_ "I wouldn't want to cuddle with someone who is just doing it for money"

    If I sensed that money was the only reason they were doing it, I would agree. But in my experience with people here, there are plenty of professionals who are genuinely caring (and enjoy the cuddle as much as I do). The money aspect doesn't have to take away from it. My favourite quote about this is from @HugsWithFei:

    There's so much controversy about paying for professionals, and confusion about what that exchange of money means. When you hire me for this service, I'd like you to know that all you are paying for is my time, my full attention, and my skills. The love and care I have for you comes from the heart. It can't be bought, and is absolutely free.

    There are some professionals who are just trying to make a quick buck I think, but definitely not all of them. Like many other people who get into caring professions as a way to express their inbuilt compassion and care for others, many (most?) professional cuddlers are combining their natural inclinations with a way to support themselves. I feel like I would have missed out on a lot of they didn't exist, and I am extremely grateful for them.

  • garrablancagarrablanca

    LOL... I think you tried to quote me, @Baltimore_MD_ and you pick another participant.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Ain’t that a shame.

    Fats Domino

    This post could go on two active threads right now but I chose this one.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Thought this was a Cersei - Game of Thrones reference.

    Since it starts back this Sunday.

    Give me dragons.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    I have private conversations with many people here both men and women. This thought really does seem to be uppermost for everyone. But not so much shame but confusion is the way I view it.
    @Baltimore_MD_ makes a very good point stating that we as a society are conditioned from birth to look at cuddling and close intimate touch as sexual or reserved for a committed relationship. I would say this is universal and not being a numbers or research fan will guess that all around the globe there is probably less than 20 percent of cultures that accept and encourage platonic touch as a healthy needed part of everyday life. What I can say with more certainty is that each of those cultures that are accepting are also less modernized and have little to no technology. Cultures that understand platonic touch as a needed vital part of daily life are the ones that still have daily interactions with each other, no media to isolate and redirect attention away from the person/s next to us and toward a non human source of distraction. They don't get distracted and forget about the needs of the person sitting next to them. One benefit to that is that the people in those cultures understand the difference between sexual touch or attraction and a comforting or bonding touch and attraction.

    Also modern societies aren't used to being without something on in the background or foreground to distract us. What we see and hear dictates what we want in our lives. We see and hear that touch equals sexual satisfaction and right or wrong @Baltimore_MD_ statement on how a man perceives touch is correct because it's given to us in cologne or perfume ads, the lyrics of songs, the viewing of any show that always seems to end in sex and, once the man is happy it's done. Even though, with our current metoo culture, again media based, that has become equal opportunity for both sexes; once I'm happy it's done, sorry if you didn't make it.
    Even the way this site is set up is mentally confusing. As a platonic site why would we need to answer a sexual orientation question, marital status, and which sex I want to cuddle before even being allowed to view the site? Wouldn't body type preferred, introvert or extrovert possibly even cuddle style be better questions? It goes against our cultural thinking to look for human touch as nothing more than comfort and connection.
    So when a male starts to connect with his inner self that longs for nothing more it's very confusing. But it's also that way for women, after all how many of you who've had conversations or even successful cuddles with enthusiasts had those with the woman focusing on type of music or movie preferred; cuddle style; reasons for cuddling; or how you'd like to cuddle? How many amateurs asked cuddle specific questions vs wanting to know the last time you cried, the name of your favorite teacher in school, a favorite pet? I'm guessing the women when trying to set up a cuddle, ask dating questions, not compatibility questions?
    So I think our society plays a huge part in how we perceive what cuddling is or isn't; what makes a good potential cuddle and what warns us off. One conversation I had we were talking about how men in his native culture were encouraged to be competitive, dominant, to be manly. Cultivate that masculine side which naturally brings with it I'm sure, no way to confirm, that a man needs to be smooth with the ladies also. Sexually masculine, acquiring a womans attention and guarding it from any other man near her. That is a direct opposite of the feminine need to be held, comforted, affirmed. So it's confusing more so than shameful I believe. But I am a woman and not a man so that just half of the story.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    I do adore @respectful comment also. Being able to overcome that sterotype and see it as beneficial and needed is amazing and very hard for many of us to do. Overlooking that shame or moral confusion is something we all need to strive for. If you have to pay for it then do it. I would as well if there was any professional within 300 miles of me. He's also right with his response to the cuddling for money. Again another quote by @HugsFromFei is that you can teach cuddling but not everyone is a good cuddler, a good pro cuddles naturally, instinctively, just like any other profession.

    A favorite quote of mine is this: the best way to face your fears is to walk straight through them.

    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/5757/religion-and-cuddling#latest

    @respectful talks about some of the fears he faced going into cuddling as a newbie and how he managed to change that to a beautiful beneficial thing that's not at all shameful, conflicting our rearing, or confusing to our sexual identity. Just lovely, enjoyable touch. That ties in very nicely to this thread as well.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited April 2019

    Thank you @PaulaDahla! It's been an interesting (and very unexpected) journey into cuddling.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    Please put that in the resources, I have a feeling you don't sticky a lot of your own thoughts but that one does need to go in there. It's a major underlying concern for many.

  • garrablancagarrablanca
    edited April 2019

    @PaulaDahla yes it's so tight related to culture.
    And it's so related on how we were educated to cuddle.

    It's the art of give love without make them feel uncomfortable, on the contrary make them feel happy, calm and loved.
    Is the art of been a lover, without the act of having sex, and be capable of produce a strong sensation of pleasure, satisfaction and comfort.

    Yes... Not all the people know how to achieve this.

    And for some cultures it is an honor and a proud to domain this art.

    That's why some cultures has a display of sexual proudness over who is who in the genders.

    It is so primitive?, yes it is, just like in nature...

    Like the Lion with his long hair display of maleness, or the birds in the colorful feathers and their sings.

    The battle of sex is always present and we form part of it even when we don't wanted.
    even when we desperately try to change it.

    So, I will always enjoy more to cuddle with a woman, the sex act is not required, and I don't need that to give and receive pleasure or love.
    But as a man with an specific orientation, yes, I need a woman to cuddle.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    Well, as lovely as that sounds I'm not getting the tie in to our natural inclination to feel shame by wanting to reach out to strangers for comfort.
    Especially with no intention of establishing any sort of romantic relationship with the person we are reaching out to. The post is about the shame or other non-positive emotions surrounding cuddling. But thanks for confirming my thought that it's cultural.

    I think the real meat of this post is the two thoughts of:

    I need to ask a stranger, & I will pay/or need to pay to meet that need.

    We as women feel this also and it almost feels a bit worse for us because we are conditioned from childhood that boys and men compete for our attention, there's more of them than us.

    So if we can't find a man(for sake of argument, stick with traditional roles) we must not be a good enough woman to draw even one man to us. Of course any man reading this will find that unbelievable, a woman on this site not getting at least one man's attention. But that brings the other sticky bit in to play. Women on here may be getting cuddle inquiries but the men making the effort are subpar in our mind. We may be subpar ourselves because there are only so many 8 or above's so that leaves a lot below the premium level; but of course we don't see ourselves as less than desirable.

    So for the enthusiast women on here it also brings shame having to ask a stranger, or even pay for it. There are a few men in my area that sign up, take a peek at me then leave or just become inactive. It's a real shot to the old self esteem, I'm not gorgeous, young, or busty. If the newbies don't read the forums and get an idea of my personality they just see a middle aged average looking woman.

    So yes, it does feel weird I guess is what I'd say. That I don't have every man in my area at least asking to cuddle me. Does that mean I'm a failure? To my mind and cultural upbringing, failure is shameful.

    No.

    I'm with @respectful, I'm not here to date anyone. I'm here for feel goods. If I need to find that from a stranger until I meet the man of my dreams then so be it. I chose to spin it around and feel good that I'm smart enough to take care of my needs, physically or emotionally.

  • garrablancagarrablanca

    Cheers for that @PaulaDahla

  • [Deleted User]Klynn_Nate67 (deleted user)

    Really great discussion. My 2 cents... as someone who pays professional cuddlers. I have paid for (mental health) therapy, I have paid for physical therapy, I have paid for massage therapy- all with professionals who are very good at what they do. I have no problem paying for cuddling as a form of therapy- and I have been lucky enough to meet some amazing professional cuddles who are very good at what they do too.

    I've also found that looks have zero to do with how effective of a cuddler a pro is. What matters is what I'd call their "spirit"- a combination of their warmth, kindness, love of life, authenticity.

    I actually think it takes a little courage to reach out for this kind of support.

  • PaulaDahlaPaulaDahla

    I'll give you two cents for that great view.

    Agree fully.

Sign In or Register to comment.