I wanted to share a few quick bit from my life coaching experience that I think carries over very well to cuddling.
We all like being truly listened to. Unfortunately, some of us have not done the math that we have TWO ears and ONE mouth- so a good listener can be hard to find. Luckily though, that makes it easy for us to stand out and add value, just by listening.
Some easy tips for good listening:
-First, you should be sincerely interested in what the other person has to say. Be present. Put your story aside, get curious about their story. They are the main character in a universe, what's that like? What insights are there in their unique perspective?
-Ask Questions. Open ended questions, which means they can't be answered with a 'yes' or a no. Some of my favorite question:
"what are you most excited about right now?"
"what do you like to do?" (as opposed to "what do you do", which can make people feel like they need to prove themselves to you)
-Listen to more than words. notice their tone and body language. You don't need to read or judge it, but you can be curious as to what they're really saying and how you can infer that from their movement and energy
-Mirror their body language. People who are in rapport, aka super connected and on the same page, will literally move the same. This can be done consciously but can be gimmiky if you think about it too much. You can definitely pay attention to how your movements compare though- if your posture is not at all similar, that might be a good indicator that your mind is somewhere else.
-Repeat back what you heard. If people hear you say what they meant to say, they will light up. If you're a bit off, they'll have a chance to clarify. If you get it right the second time, they'll still totally get excited.
-Validate. That means letting them know that their feelings are valid. It doesn't mean judging anything as right or wrong, just saying that you see their experience and affirm that it exists.
Example of the last two point:
"aliens are chasing me around and its stressing me out"
"you're saying aliens are chasing you around? Damn! That does sound stressful!"
"turns out rick has been cheating on me with literally 2,000 different people! I'm so upset."
"ricks been cheating with 2,000 people? Man most people would definitely be stressed out by that"
Notice that in both of these examples, the responder didn't judge the speaker's statement as right or wrong, true or false. You don't have to judge positively or negatively, consider it true or false, agree or disagree- you can let somebody know that you hear them and that you acknowledge that their FEELINGs are REAL and VALID. You can, if you agree, let them know. But if you don't agree, you can still make them feel heard. That's the most effective way to change somebody's mind anyway- to first let them know that you understand where they're coming from.
If you want to be a good listener, I hope you got something from this. The world needs more of us!