my boyfriend is in boot camp. i cuddled with a male friend last night... need some advice.

Comments

• Catloaf

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  @melanieeee If I were in your position and I didn't know where I stood as far as to getting my needs met because I was worried about my S/O, I'd make an attempt to communicate about it. Your bf was "vague about it" in your mind which might be part of what breeds the insecurity, so if you need clarification I'd just ask him what he meant by what he told you. But more importantly you should ask yourself how you feel participating in a cuddle friendship. If it feels awkward or something's off for you, you're by no means obligated to do something which makes you feel that way. Nobody can decide for you but you.
• DarrenWalker (deleted user)

  May 2019

  @melanieeee: Hmm. Well, if I were in your boyfriend's position, a letter from my girlfriend saying she'd found someone to fulfill her cuddle needs (but that her romantic and sexual needs could only be met by me) might make me a little jealous at first, but I'd get over it pretty fast since cuddles are, after all, just cuddles.

  I'd probably worry that it might develop into something else, but when I got back and it hadn't I'd be much happier than if she hadn't told me anything at all.

  Of course, selfishly, I'd be happiest of all if she didn't cuddle anybody and was so touch-deprived by the time I got back that she practically couldn't function without me—but that'd be a cruel thing to insist on, and I know it. It'd be much better for me to be happy that my girlfriend wasn't suffering too much without me!

  Like @Catloaf says, it's up to you.

  You know yourself, your boyfriend, and your cuddle buddy much better than we do (and you can ask them stuff, too, which always helps).
• Navyman1010

  May 2019

  Speaking from someone in the military, I wouldnt be happy, dont care how you chopped it up
• SoSoftSnuggles

  May 2019

  If you go back and reread your post there are a lot of “I’m not sures” (whether you should continue with it again, how your bf will feel about it after he finds out, you’re not sure how the other guy feels about you outside of being his friend) which seems like there is more than one worry with this.

  I have two questions...
  1) Is your bf poly?? (Cause his opinion will really be the only one that matters) in this. My personal view on this is you seem worried about this therefore I wouldn’t encourage it again only because you aren’t at peace with the whole situation. (Or at least wait until you have a chance to speak with your bf to have him clarify his vague comment for you,)

  2) Is it worth losing him if he finds out and isn’t happy about your choices/actions? (I know he said he’d be ok with you seeking out comfort in some way) ... however it is a very stressful time for him what if he has been thinking about it and changed his mind?

  My other concern is you mentioned your male friend needs a supportive person... someone to keep him out of trouble and give him affection. (The definition of affection is a gentle feeling of fondness or liking).

  So my last question is...
  Is platonic cuddling a form of affection? (I am asking in general to hear everyone’s views)

  Btw I am a ex military wife so I do know how difficult it is being apart for long times.

  As @Navyman1010 said my ex husband would not have been happy about me finding comfort from someone else while he was going through the most trying time of his life.
• DarrenWalker (deleted user)

  May 2019

  @melanieeee: Whatever you decide, I advise against keeping a secret cuddle buddy. Keeping secrets in a romantic relationship rarely turns out well.

  In your shoes, I'd probably make my female friend my cuddle buddy. Seems less likely that my boyfriend would be jealous of her, and (unless I happened to be bi or pan) he wouldn't feel like he had to worry about things slipping from platonic to sexual. Nothing wrong with getting comfort from someone else while your romantic/sexual partner's away, unless the comfort is romantic or sexual—and if you're not into women that way, picking a woman seems like a very safe move.
• Navyman1010

  May 2019

  Naw cant trust females either lol maybe a asexual person i would trust my GF with
• DarrenWalker (deleted user)

  May 2019

  @Navyman1010: I am honored by your trust.
• Navyman1010

  May 2019

  Yup
• PeopleLikeUs

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  You told him you’re poly and he was vague. He was vague because he wants you to be yourself and he doesn’t want to hear about it. I would not broach a conversation about anything cuddle or otherwise until he is in your presence and he asks. My guess is that he will never ask you in writing. If he never brings it up, leave it.

  To be successful at polyamory you need to develop a stronger sense of independence. It sounds to me like you have a tendency toward putting other people first and yourself second. In open relationships, it’s the opposite. The biggest issue you will face with a polyamorous relationship is jealousy. Jealousy is always the fault of the person feeling it, including yourself. This requires that both people have healthy relationship expectations of themselves, their partner, and a strong state of self-reliance.

  “…and have no interest in doing anything sexual with anyone else.” This is not polyamory.

  I would take the time you have alone and read up on marriage vs. open marriage. It will help you to sort out whether you are capable of, or even want a traditional or open marriage.
• jetblack

  May 2019

  @melanieeee This is a tough situation. I appreciate so much your ability to hold so many people's feelings as you figure out what it is that you need. Here are my thoughts:

  1. Clear communication is going to be key to your long-term relationship success. I am a person who is polyamorous and who doesn't like communicating all that much, but I have had to learn to be as honest and clear and to ask hard, difficult questions so that I can reduce the confusion. Going forward its worth taking the time to ask hard questions, figure out what are agreeable boundary lines so that you can stick to that.
  2. As it relates to your current situation... I trust your instinct not to write to him about you having had this cuddle experience or how it made you feel while he's in bootcamp. What I might suggest is that you write to him about the whole experience. That everyone was together hanging out etc, so that when you do tell him he has some idea of what you are talking about.
  3. I am worried about where the emotional bond you are nurturing with your cuddle friend could lead. My experience has been that it is harder to stop emotional connection and physical connection once romantic and/or sexual feelings have arisen than it is before.
• AngelPendavez

  May 2019

  @PeopleLikeUs That's an interesting point of view! I can sort of see what you're getting at. Kind of 'reading the room' before just jumping in and taking action. But don't you think it's dangerous to take a certain course of action under the assumption that you know what the other person is thinking? Isn't it better to just put everything on the table and work it out from there so there's no room for misunderstanding?

  I can understand not outright saying "Hey, I cuddled with someone while you were gone." Maybe choose the right time to bring up how he feels about that and explain why it's important to you? It seems like a conversation you'll need to have at some point, especially if you're goal is long-term commitment.
• PeopleLikeUs

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  @EarthlyAngel003

  If he was at home, yes.

  However, there's nothing worse than to ruminate only because a misunderstanding occurred via a page of text (The phone can be even worse.) Bootcamp is not that long. When he returns, a conversation about what is going to occur is just as honest as a conversation about something that already has. If he asks, that's another story.

  Also, this is a "boyfriend" and we don't know for how long, but marriage is a consideration. I get the feeling this is a short term (one year or less) involvement. She's not sure he will understand. Plus he's already given her the okay. These two are just learning to communicate within the context of this relationship.

  So yes, they need to have the conversation, but my call is later rather than sooner considering the circumstances.
• Hotrodu4ea

  May 2019

  My advice. Don’t write him that during his time in boot. He is getting that SAME message from his Drill Sgt. He’s telling him right now-“You can just forget about that girl. The moment you left her needs are getting taken care of right now.” And then he’ll go into it very explicitly. He will make him so sad, mad, that you guy wishes he could talk to you this instant and ask you are you with anyone else? Are you F’ing someone? And his mind is going to be tormented with that drill sgt telling every day that same messed up message. Don’t send him any shitty letters. If your going to send him anything, be uplifting. It makes his day. You send THAT message that your unsure ect, you just messed up his head in the hell-hole he’s going through now.
• TheFunCartel

  May 2019

  @Hotrodu4ea As a former military brat of 18 years with several friends in the military you are spot on. He is getting his mind expunged, cleaned out and reprogrammed even as we write. He does not need her emotional drama right now.
• Catloaf

  May 2019

  Yes, while it's important to learn to have open dialogue in a relationship, this may not be the time because of where he's at right now. Let him come home first, let him simmer down from the bootcamp experience, and then you can start to talk about it. But be careful to broach the subject in a way that you're not just piling it on him all at once. I do agree with @PeopleLikeUs though in that if he never asks about it, you aren't obligated to tell him. But you can certainly ask him what he meant by his vague statement, for your own peace of mind.

  I'm somewhat on the fence about what was pointed out about "not being an open marriage", who are we to define what box another person's union fits into...but I do agree OP has got some research to do. I thought I was poly, my husband (then bf) and I tried the poly thing a couple years ago, and it didn't work for us for pretty much the same reason. We both had that whole "let's have fun and see other people" phase going on, but when it came to my husband he didn't want to see anybody else sexually. When one partner is uncomfortable stepping outside, you tend to get uncomfortable too and as was stated, in an open relationship/marriage you've got to be capable of putting yourself first (you can't do that if you're uncomfortable).
• TheFunCartel

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  I do not know if never telling him is necessarily an option either. She said there was someone else in the room. Will they never tell anyone? All I know is you do not tell him now.

  Despite all the advice from us, one thing does nag at me Melanie. In reading your narrative, also called your side of the story, there is an echo in your words and phrasing that desires someone to say it was ok to do what you did and to pursue it, because your story is tinged with rationalization. Now I am not here to say if it is ok or not as I am not in your relationship, but your instincts seem to be telling you it was wrong and you know it. You seem to attempt to exonerate your conscience by saying he was vague. I think you are creating a grey area to comfort yourself. Just my two cents and I am not judging because that can be seen as an emotional security blanket.

  At any rate, I think you already know the answers to your questions and you just need the confidence to face the answers.
• melanieeee (deleted user)

  May 2019

  Thank you everyone so much for the feedback. Let me be a little clearer now that I know people are actually listening.
  My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and I am very committed to him. I am poly, he is not, so jealousy has been an issue in our relationship. And yeah we are still trying to learn eachother and build our bond. I write him letters every single day, motivating him, catching him up on civilian life, and letting him know how/what I'm doing. They're very uplifting and sweet letters of course, letting him know how much I miss him and how proud I am. As for my friend, he and I are on the same page. He does not want to pursue anything sexual or emotional with me. What I mean by supportive person, well we were already supportive and close friends, the only thing different now is we've cuddled.
  My boyfriend has cuddled with female friends while I've been away for incontrollable reasons, and although it surprised me I wasn't jealous because we both knew it didnt mean shit. He just needed the cuddles. By the way, I am bisexual and my boyfriend is okay with me cuddling her because he knows that it's a platonic thing for me. Of course I havent cuddled boys around him because he was there and who else would I want to be held by! Thing is the whole time i cuddled this friend i was imagining how sweet it would feel to be in my babys arms. And yeah...I have the you first me second tendency it's a struggle. Like i said, if he was here or off somewhere other than boot camp I would have told him, but that's why I'm here. To be honest, i think he will be be unhappy when i tell him but not surprised. And nothing we cant work through because lord knows we've been through so much just in the last year and a half.
  Deep down, I'm a strong and decisive person, I know what I want and what I need. I just let my head get clouded with so many different opinions and forget the one that really matters. And I know that I'm faithful.
  Thanks everyone for the help
• CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  Good luck to you.
• PeopleLikeUs

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  @CharlesTwisted I know a couple where she's poly and he's not. They have been involved in an open marriage for 8 years and they are among the happiest couples I've ever met.

  Sorry to hear about your painful experience.

  It can work and there are tons of resources for support on alternative relationships.
• Mikeeeee

  May 2019

  I was cheated on and lead on while deployed by the girl I was suppose to marry. If you are already questioning things as simple as cuddling while he is in only in basic then you might as well go ahead and brake off the relationship. If you can't go a couple months without requiring somebody's attention then you will never make it through a full deployment.
• TheFunCartel

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  @melanieeee I think you should heed @Mikeeeee warning. It is the oldest story in military lore. There is also a high incident of domestic violence with long deployments upon return. Stats will back that up. I remember as a kid my best friend’s dad returning home from Vietnam and seeing his mom dash out naked as his dad pursued her with a butcher knife at 6 AM. My dad stopped it (my dad was Special Forces) but their marriage quickly crumbled under the weight of infidelity, drink and mental issues.

  War and deployment will reek havoc on a relationship. I had to go per my mom’s request and take my dad’s service revolver away because he had severe PTSD, guilt and suspected heroin addiction after three tours of duty in Nam. And that was ten years after the fact—he just kept it together that long. Luckily he sought help and learned to control his demons. I was his son and he never told me what he did over there. A fellow comrade of his from those days filled me in at his funeral and the days after and it was harrowing. I am still amazed they made the marriage work. My dad was damaged.
• JasonCuddles

  May 2019

  I am certainly not an expert in relationships, but here are my thoughts....You do not sound super poly to me, honestly. And also I think communication is more important than ever in poly. Hiding things and lying is likely not going to provide long term stability. Him being vague is also not helping anything.

  Also I don't think poly and open relationships are the same. In poly you can have multiple (serious) boyfriends and in an open relationship you just have other people you have sex with, like hookups and such. To me at least.

  Now the last thing I want to mention is that you're writing this post. Something isn't sitting well with you. It seems like this is probably caused by lack of communication. Lies, trying to be strong and not saying when you're hurt by things, not trying to find solutions to this like seeing what strengthens your connection to eachother, and hiding thing(which is cheating if you're poly, IMO)....things like that could easily eat away at your guy's connection.
• CozyCuddle99

  May 2019

  @melanieeee based on what you say, your story reminds me a lot of the Peggy-Jake-Matt triangle (google: Peggy Jake Matt “a night at the hostel”, and you might find their story online).
• HoneyBooBoo

  May 2019

  I think @Mikeeeee nailed it. I've always said when you're confused. the best option is to do nothing. Good luck
• Lovelight

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  I agree with especially @FunCartel

  "I do not know if never telling him is necessarily an option either. She said there was someone else in the room. Will they never tell anyone? All I know is you do not tell him now.

  Despite all the advice from us, one thing does nag at me Melanie. In reading your narrative, also called your side of the story, there is an echo in your words and phrasing that desires someone to say it was ok to do what you did and to pursue it, because your story is tinged with rationalization. Now I am not here to say if it is ok or not as I am not in your relationship, but your instincts seem to be telling you it was wrong and you know it. You seem to attempt to exonerate your conscience by saying he was vague. I think you are creating a grey area to comfort yourself. Just my two cents and I am not judging because that can be seen as an emotional security blanket.

  At any rate, I think you already know the answers to your questions and you just need the confidence to face the answers."

  I think even if he never asks you are responsible to tell him especially, if you think this could cause y'all issues, and hurt him if/when he finds out. The longer you wait also, the harder it could get to bring up. If you're struggling with THIS I can only imagine how more difficult and hurtful other things might be should you ever wonder off. I say it's your responsibility to tell him even if he doesn't ask because he doesn't need to go through a list of what you might have done when you've the list of what you did, or more so want to do. So, it's important to communicate these things well. I was cheated on by a married man. I was quite naive back then as well (not that I blame myself or, that it excuses his insincerity) just that with my development now, I wouldn't accept LDR. Or at least, I know to think through and can understand it's difficulties, etc. better. Edit: Even though, I was devastated by it, I felt even worse for his wife. end of edit.

  My story:

  Anyway. He hit on me, said he likes me, that he's an honest person. Then, after our friendship for sometime we were partners. I rejected every guy for him saying I was in a relationship. Then, time past like a year or so. I got a friend request from a "mutual" friend, I accepted wondering who, what is this. Then he spoke to me and pretty much off the bat started hitting on me. I told him I am in a relationship with _________. So, he told me __________ is married. I thought this must be some kind of a joke, a test. Then, I asked my 'partner' about it. He confirmed. When I told him how hurt I was and that he wronged me, he said, "I tell you everything you ask." Even though, I am pretty sure (it's been years now) that I told him I am not into polygamy. Edit: he pursued a relationship with me, and with-held the truth. end of edit. So, the responsibility to say what took/takes/will take place is on the person doing it. That doesn't mean the other can't ask, though each person is responsible to say the things that take place especially things that can/may hurt the relationship/their partner.

  You mentioned he cuddled while you were away. Do you want to share how that went about, and how he handled it in terms of telling you?
• melanieeee (deleted user)

  May 2019

  hello everyone, update time.
  yup, i broke it off with my boyfriend. i'd been struggling to come to terms with our distance and future and i realized that it wasn't just a cuddle between me and my friend, it was a grasp for love and attention I was lacking. the last few weeks have been rough to say the least but i feel relieved. i felt extremely guilty for breaking it off over a letter but i couldn't let this situation escalate without him knowing i was no longer committed to him. thanks everyone for the advice.
  the truth really does hurt. but i'm growing and becoming a better person now. i no longer feel stagnant like i did in that relationship. thanks again guys.
  -melanie
• TheFunCartel

  May 2019

  I feel sorry for him. You I do not. You should have told him by phone or in person. A letter is a cowardly way of doing it. Not much better than doing it by e-mail or text.
• CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

  May 2019

  @melanieeee

  All you can do is be honest with yourself about what you need and want, and then be honest with those around you.

  As you practice, you will learn and grow, like any other skill set, and it will become second nature.

  Good luck to you.
• Lovelight

  May 2019

  @FunCartel this whole issue looking back seems odd to me. It is one thing to find herself cuddled up with someone she had feelings for and was in her reach: not that it excuses! Though, to come to a whole community (this) prior to having told her partner about it, seems off to me. I do think the break up should also have been handled a lot better. Especially giving time, like what 3-6 months, til she got to see him? Then try to either come to an understanding. Or at least break up after having had him be a part of it actively.

  This all seems off, and a hasty decision. Though, I don't know their life much. So, OP might learn from her own trials, and errors. It is probably for the best that they break up. He may have accepted her seeing others even though, he really wants monogamy. Which too can create issues. It can be difficult to find someone who can be patient with you when you have to deal with things. Or are in certain types of career fields. Though, hopefully in the end both OP, and her ex. boyfriend find peace, and happiness.