Help me, Cuddle Comfort.

hogboblinhogboblin
in General

So, I was cuddling with a friend the other day. She’s been over to my apartment a few times now, and seems mostly comfortable with the place. There’s just one issue: she doesn’t like my collection of mannequins.

I’ve got a few of them. Whole ones, I mean. There are heads, hands, and various limbs scattered about or hanging from the ceiling—there are several feet that I keep out for the sole purpose of leaving prints on the walls.

My friend, let’s call her Erica, couldn’t help but to eye them suspiciously. I saw her trying to work out why flies swarmed certain mannequins and not others. I didn’t feel compelled to explain to her that some of my children were Chosen—meaning that they’d been stuffed with raw meat. That, I imagined, would have made things awkward.

What should I do, CC? You’re my only hope.

—Hogboblin (That’s me.)

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Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Did you ask her if she would like to be Chosen? Lol

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @FunCartel

    Nah. That’s reserved for my mannequins. Their lack of sentience makes them pure. Besides, I need to make another trip to the grocery store to purchase a few dozen pounds of ground beef. I’m currently out.

    “Why not reuse meat? Transfer it from one mannequin to another?”

    That would contaminate the souls I’ve imbued then with. DUH.

    I’m really desperate for some advice. Come on, CC!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    A simple, honest explanation should work just fine. If Erica's the kind of person who doesn't understand the appeal of having surrogate children around the house (any pet owner should understand this!) and the quiet joy of having Halloween in your heart year-round, then perhaps another cuddle buddy would work best for both of you.

    As a side note, I hope you either regularly swap out the raw meat for fresh, or else keep the area well-ventilated and move the Chosen out of doors when new life begins to stir. No sense courting disease. Unless you happen to worship ???? (that's Nurgle to you non-Mesopotamian heathens), or some powerful being like that one, in which case I wish you the best of luck!

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @DarrenWalker

    I’ve told you about Erica before, using her actual name; she’s not very clever and is almost permanently stoned. I’m worried that I’ll be out of a cuddle buddy if I explain things poorly. What if I get nervous and start shrieking? That’d be a real problem.

    You can’t trick me. Nurgle is from Warhammer 40K.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @hogboblin I am hearing the block button being pushed all over the site by people who are mortified by meat mannequins. Probably the same people wounded to their core if the F bomb is dropped on them. The epidermal layer continues to become thinner worldwide.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @hogboblin: ...Those video-game-creating blasphemers, appropriating another culture's deities for their childish amusements.

    Anyway, use flashcards! You can compose these beforehand—and, as a bonus, you don't even have to be present when she reads them if you find it too nerve-wracking. Simply hand her the stack of explanatory cards (ideally kept in order with some sort of binder ring), and sprint away.

    If worst comes to worst, you can always request comfort from one of your children.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @FunCartel

    I wouldn’t want to cuddle with those sorts of people. The absence of empathy and understanding would make for a hollow experience.

    The lack of help in this thread is really starting to get to me. I thought this site was full of kind, warm-hearted persons. Maybe I should listen to the voices from outside space and time, and simply burn everything. They told me to not even use this site in the first place. Perhaps I should have listened.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @hogboblin: Engulf the world in flames, eh? Well... a heart is never warmer than when it's on fire.

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited May 2019

    @DarrenWalker

    I like your flash card idea. I’m fresh out of flash cards, however. Hopefully bone will do. I’m a bit rusty when it comes to scrimshaw-work, but I’m sure I’ll be able to tap into my innate talent for it easily enough, given some time. I’ll leave the bones in her mailbox.

    I could cuddle one of my children, I suppose. Warming the meat (and putting it back in) is always a hassle, though.

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited May 2019

    @DarrenWalker

    You make me happy.

    (This is in response to your post regarding lighting things on fire. I probably could have added this to my previous response. Meh.)

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @hogboblin: ??

    Remember to mark the bones so it's clear what order your message should be read in—and make sure they're stamped.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited May 2019

    @hogboblin Seriously though. Have you asked her if they bother her? If so, what did she say? I mean, Marilyn Manson has a collection.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @hogboblin Do the maggots ever make the limbs twitch?

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @pmvines: That would add a level of creepy, wouldn't it?

  • pmvinespmvines

    @DarrenWalker Would be almost like stop/start animation!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @pmvines: Stop motion mannequins. Spooky.

  • MizzKittyMizzKitty

    @hogboblin, you sound fun! Too bad I'm far away. Why not just try a different location to host? A hotel, a friends place, Erica's place, an air bnb, maybe you can clear a room with no mannequins to make her comfortable, how about a sheet to cover the bodies when she comes over???

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @FunCartel

    She said, “Oh, no, not at all”, but I think she was trying to be polite.

    @pmvines

    No, but if it’s very quiet, one can hear the maggots patter as they hit the floor in squirming clusters.

    @MizzKitty

    Neither of us drive, and the only hotels near us are hives of scum and villainy; we don’t have any mutual friends; her mother is irksome and owns a horde of ill-mannered dogs, and putting a sheet over the mannequins makes the voices louder.

    An AirBnb could work, if there’s one within close proximity to us. Thank you for the suggestion!

  • pmvinespmvines

    @hogboblin I would imagine it sounds a bit like fresh power snow falling on trees and rooftops

  • TarainColoradoTarainColorado

    Huh. Y'ever read C.P.Estes "Women who run with the wolves"? She has a section, "stuck in old rage" which says, "people think that to be stuck in rage means to fuss and to fume and to toss and throw things. It does not mean that in most cases. It means to be tired all the time, to have a thick layer of cynicism, to dash the hopeful, the tender, the promising. It means to be afraid you will lose before you open your mouth. It means to reach flashpoint inside whether you show it on the outside or not. "

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I’m very confused by all of this. No need to explain i have been entertained. Bravo

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    I think asking Erica to help you pick outfits for the children would go a long way in easing her discomfort - no need for the explanations or notecards/bones, just make her part of the process. She might even come over just to see them and change their clothing after a while - although that might build some sort of attachment and I'd hate to read about a custody battle over the children if the cuddling between you ended.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)
    edited May 2019

    @BashfulLoner I'm right there with ya. I was at first shocked, then only confused, now I'm almost loling irl.

    I suppose it doesn't help that I started rewatching Criminal Minds, lol.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited May 2019

    @hogboblin We need more information. What kind of raw meat—cow? Pork? Cat? Dog? Chupacabra? Fish? The kind of meat determines what kind of children we are dealing with and their long term prospects for developing mannequin colon cancer (MCC).

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @hogboblin Nevermind...I see where you mentioned ground beef. BTW, are you a fan of The Meat Puppets?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @hogboblin This situation with the cuddler needs to be handled carefully. Your devotion to your children could incriminate you whenever meat goes missing and invite cries of “Where’s the beef?” although the double entendres it creates could be fun.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @FunCartel

    I’d never heard of The Meat Puppets—until reading your post.

    I’ve spoken with Erica. Her main concern, it turns out, was how some of the mannequins moved.

    I explained to her that I alter their positions/poses every day, shortly after I wake up. When she asked why I did this, I informed her it was so that my Children didn’t become too bored. It also affects how “audible” some of the Chosen are. They don’t speak, exactly, but I can sometimes feel their thoughts in my bones, rumbling. The louder they become, the more their speech rises to the surface of my flesh—this feels as if ants are biting me, but from the inside. It worries me to think what will happen if those psychic screams erupt from my body.

    Anyways, I told Erica all of that. She seemed relieved. We ate some dragonfruit shortly after, and talked about our jobs. It was nice.

  • DaForceofNatureDaForceofNature

    Charles is pleasantly confused and entertained by the depth of this thread.

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited May 2019

    This thread got me thinking about the Twilight Zone episode called "The After Hours".

  • cuddleNsqueezecuddleNsqueeze

    @DarrenWalker @hogboblin @FunCartel
    This is a very entertaining and disturbing thread, I also have a desire to start watching Criminal minds again. I find myself wishing you were closer to me but at the same time relieved that you are not (no offense).
    ... chupacabra meat lol.
    Happy cuddling!!!

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