Anyone relate? Feel free to share your experiences, thoughts respectfully, considerately.

LovelightLovelight
in General

I may deactivate. Though, I do come around, and will engage as much as I can.

This week has been a hell of a roller-coaster for me. From having a physical pain, a bad dream, etc. To today: The worst day this week. I opened up about some of my struggles somewhere. I had someone basically write it off as "normal, that's just what people like that do" as well as saying I am being dishonest about what I did and saying I didn't do it for my safety. They said, they think I did it to "punish" the person in question. Even though time and again, I explained it wasn't about that! Then they were like "you seem mad and I don't want to become a victim of your anger, etc." Then they stopped contact with me on it. All because I called them out on how they are coming off as victim blaming, barely supportive, and taking sides with the person in question. They wrote it off as me not wanting to hear "a different perspective, etc." on the issue. When I simply did not want to be blamed, and painted as the bad one over virtually nothing. Something I did for my safety. Then, undone it when it needed to be undone. Even though, I spoke about much injustice the person in question did me. That little, insignificant thing mattered more to them.

I don't really understand where victim blaming comes from. It's sad that some people will find the slightest thing, and even make things out of nothing to get at those seeking support: which delegitimizes their struggles, and gives power to those oppressing them.

Though, I strive to have a better understanding of it, and hope to continue to help whoever is willing to overcome that kind of behavior. It's harmful to our society. Though, thankfully I did get some supportive individuals, as well.

My hardships aside. I have some things I am looking forward to. Meeting new fellas, and doing a shopping or two, etc. So, I am hopeful there will be lighter days ahead.

Comments

  • HappinessHenryHappinessHenry

    I sincerely hope that there will @Lovelight Beyond saying that I am going to let this one through to the keeper(s) @FunCartel @hogboblin @DarrenWalker

  • LovelightLovelight

    @HappinessHenry thank you, I hope the same for you! ?

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Lovelight: Sometimes people, as they put it, "don't want to take sides." Even when one side is obviously wrong. I've seen people take some small thing a victim of my teasing did (usually a younger sibling), and claim that this somehow proves the kid is as much in the wrong as I am.

    Sometimes people see it as "focusing on the things you have control over"—as though self-improvement is what you want to focus on when you've been wronged.

    It's true that no one's perfectly good, and no one's perfectly evil. But sometimes one person is plainly at fault for something, and the other one's pretty much blameless. Not perfectly blameless, no! (That basically never happens.) But close enough that the blame should really be focused on the other party. (Which is, in my experience, usually me.) Still, people like to be "fair," and to "focus on what you have the power to change," so this kind of behavior probably isn't going to end any time soon. Well-intentioned behavior is the hardest to get rid of!

    I don't mind it when you deactivate, because you always come back. I like it when you come back.

    Good luck with your lighter days!

  • [Deleted User]vesnyr (deleted user)
    edited May 2019

    @Lovelight The person in question is clearly wrong and I'm sorry you had to deal that. I hope you brighten up and forget about it soon. Try not to take it personally; that individual clearly doesn't know any better. But you're smart enough to realize that victim blaming is more of a societal and cultural issue than anything else and I'm very glad you care and you're trying your best to combat it not only for your sake but for all the people struggling out there :heart:
    Hope you soon feel lighter, love :smile:
    Get it? light? love? lovelight? ok I'll see myself out..

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    This is one where I would need more information. No offense @Lovelight but I like to hear context, what prompted you to share and what the relation of the person is to you. This is the problem with all forums—tone of voice, body language, the other person are all absent.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @FunCartel

    What prompted me to share:

    That I opened up somewhere about difficulties I was having with someone, and got victim blamed. I wanted to open up about that and hope to raise awareness about how victim blaming is terrible for society. I seek to have a better understanding of it, as well. The relationship with the people in question, I don't need to say. Nor want to share here. What matters most is that one did me much injustice against me. While the other victim blamed, and wrote off my experience as “that’s just what people like that do”. “People like that” referring to the relationship I’ve with the person.

    Then when I addressed that, the person ran off with basically the lines of "you are angry at the world, and I don't want to become victim of your angry.” Even though, I explained, “I am not angry at you, just a little upset that you seem to be taking sides especially, with someone that has done me much injustice, and going at me over nothing. “ them: “I just shared my perspective. I think you are lying about that, I don't think you needed to do it for your safety."

    Since you asked for context. I’ll get as close to it as I am comfortable here. It’ll be a bit of a long read, though.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @FunCartel

    I will not put it in the exact context here. Though, the overall exchange summed up (as much as I can) went pretty similar to this:

    Me opens up about a lot of injustice, along with something recent someone has done me. I said on the platform how I just needed to vent, and I am trying to move on from it all.

    Me: I feel like I am dealing with someone unreasonable. I told them something they kept doing to me is bothersome to me. Before that they’ve done me much injustice which while not as much now, they continue to do (told on the platform exactly the examples which conveyed the gravity of the injustice). Then I said, I need to move on, I am trying to. They recently didn’t take a concern I had seriously, and cut me off from speaking. I tried to complete what I needed to say.

    We were using a laptop together, they were holding it. Then, let the laptop go at a place on the desk that I felt unsafe with. They stormed off. So, naturally I moved the laptop far from the edge, somewhere safer. When they came back after a few minutes. I moved it back where they left it for them to hold. They asked in a angry/offended tone: “why you moved it?” So, I said "you put it on the edge." They got angry at that again.

    The person that victim blamed me:

    Went on about what initially bothered me. Saying that's just a normal thing people like that do.

    EDIT: “people like that” referred to the relationship I’ve with the person. end of edit.

    Them: if I had a dollar for everytime I heard this, I'd be rich. Telling them not to do that is no use. Your rights don't come into it when someone like that is doing that, it’s normal thing. I doubt you needed to move the laptop. I think you did it to be spiteful of them, and you are being dishonest about it. I don’t think you felt unsafe with it there for 30 seconds and thought it’d fall and crash. It’s their laptop and they’ve the right to put it wherever they want, right? You seem angry with me for sharing my perspective.

    Me: I moved it because I felt unsafe with it there. I’ve a right to feel that and do what makes me comfortable/safe. I put it back when they came back. Also I have a right for my privacy/health to be respected. For someone to not run their mouth off about it to people I either don’t want. Or anyone I don’t choose to tell myself. Plus, what they spoke about me is not even true and explaining this to them didn’t help as they are convinced I’ve what they say I’ve.

    We both own the laptop. This seems to me more you are taking sides because “that’s what people like that do”. I am barely feeling support from you. I am not angry at you. It takes a lot for me to get there. I am just a little upset that you very much seem to be taking sides, and writing off my experience as “normal”.

    Them: “I'll just delete my comment as I don't think there's any point in trying to present an alternative way of seeing the situation. I do think it's your hatred talking. The laptop thing, I mean, you said your reply to the person was 'you put it on the edge’ when they asked why you moved it. Not 'because I didn't feel safe'. I don't feel you are being honest. ...”

    Me: if they didn’t stop communication, I would’ve said along the lines of, it’s not a different perspective I refuse. It’s that I don’t want to be blamed over nothing, and for my experience to be made into what it’s not. Into something normal that I’ve no right over. I did that for my safety, and undone it when it needed to be undone. I didn’t do it to get at them. I said they put it on the edge because that is what they did: causing me to move it because I felt unsafe with it there. You are trying to justify their anger at me over nothing, and saying I am being “spiteful” when I explained I wasn’t. Plus, I* undid* it when I felt it was safe to do so.

    I edited a few minor errors with the formatting, wording, and one spot that I missed to state who said what.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Lovelight: I want to make sure I understand this.

    You and Person X share a laptop. It belongs to both of you. The two of you were using it together, and Person X was holding it. Then Person X moved the laptop to the desk, putting it too close to the edge for your comfort.

    This provoked an argument. Person X left. You moved the laptop away from the edge of the desk.

    Person X came back, and you moved the laptop back to where they'd left it, making it easier for them to pick it up again—but Person X was angry that you'd moved the laptop that you half-own away from the edge of the desk, where they left it.

    ...Sounds like an argument a couple of my younger siblings might've had.

  • [Deleted User]vesnyr (deleted user)
    edited May 2019

    @DarrenWalker
    I'm pretty sure the problem goes deeper than just the laptop thing..

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @vesnyr: It must. This has got to be a single straw on the camel's back—because by itself it's kind of petty.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    Clearly, the only viable solution is a duel.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @hogboblin: I like it.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @DarrenWalker what actually happened it's not exactly in the same context, I wrote now. As I also said I'd not write the context in its exact way. Though, pretty close, you grasped a good junk of it.

    Like* @vesnyr said, the issue goes a lot deeper than just that.

    Like I touched on. This person has done me a ton of injustice, major stuff.

    Initially we ended up in an argument:

    Them telling others personal things about me*, that aren't even true. So, I confronted them and expressed again that I need them to stop talking about me like that. I explained that what they are saying is not even true. Though, they'd not let me complete what I needed to say. Which soon after resulted in them marching off leaving the "laptop" in an unsafe spot. Thus, me doing that, and them still getting angry with me about that. That was just a tipping point for me. So, I went on the platform to vent about. Then, had someone make it into a huge deal that I mentioned moving the "laptop" and them unreasonably getting angry with me over it. The other person, flipped it on me, basically saying I did it out of spite, and that they doubt I really felt unsafe with that, etc. Along with minimizing other struggles I shared, as that's just what "people like that" do.

    It's just frustrating that many people will pick the thinnest of things, and some even make something out of nothing. To blame victims.

    In your previous points you've raised pretty good points. It's tough, though I hope that more awareness, learning, and discussions have the potential to help others better understand ways to better support others. As well as increase others being better supported.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @vesnyr The first person in question, is hella off. While the second hung themselves up on thinking I am malicious over nothing. So, I did not appreciate that.

    I am glad you trusted my judgement on the situation. Thank you for your well wishes, I wish the same for you. ?

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