How Do You Mourn the Loss of the Living?

[Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)
in General

The death of a loved one is painful, to say the least. And the mourning process is long and excruciating. Mourning any loss is.

Sometimes you make the difficult decision that a person's presence in your life is only detrimental to you, and so you must not only say goodbye, you have to eliminate them from your life.

My best friend, my cousin, is one such person in my life. He is family; my best friend. How could I not love him? Yet, he is an unhealthy presence in my life, and so instead of "goodbye," I had to say, "leave and don't come back." But that connection, him being my family and for so long being my best friend, does not instantly disappear. It is a huge loss.

How, then, do you mourn the loss of someone who is still alive?

Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    If they are still alive I hire someone more competent to make sure the job is done to completion this time. After that I watch a movie, something warm and quirky, perhaps “Amelie” or “Hugo”.

  • WorthyWorthy

    It’s hard but necessary at times. Boundaries are our friend. It does hurt.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    All kidding aside, you celebrate the fact they are alive. This is a glass half full vs. half empty scenario. The dynamic of it changes if it is a child and you are a parent. That would be closer to mourning a death.

  • cease2existcease2exist

    This little quote has gotten me so far, so much that I have a decent sized tattoo of the first two clauses.

    I've had to deal plenty with lost bonds, but I had to choose to suffer or rebuild new and better things.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    I have a few family members who I need very strict boundaries with. It's a ongoing process of remembering why the boundaries are in place. And eventually you may be able to have them in your life in small doses, in a healthy way. ❤❤

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    Thank you all. They're all great reminders.

  • DimpleDollDimpleDoll

    @FunCartel I chuckled at the first suggestion.

    As for the serious topic, I agree with all of these. Sometimes it's healthier for you to be separate from someone like this, someone who will drag you down because you love them. Who knows, maybe your tough love now will better them as a person. People change over time, perhaps this time next year, they'll be the kind of person you can have in your life again! Never lose hope. Mourn for them, wish them the best, move on as best as you can but no one said this is permanent.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    I’ve gotten pretty good at cutting people out of my life. I started at the age of eighteen, with my family—that was nearly a decade ago. I never liked them much, and I’ve never felt that shared genetic material is a compelling enough reason to interact with certain people, or to make excuses for them.

    I’ve dropped others, too. People I chose to become invested in. That’s significantly harder.

    I'm exceedingly picky when it comes to feeling things for others.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @hogboblin Been wanting to ask you but the threads were never appropriate to ask this but this thread does...but why are you so picky about people? Not trying to be critical—just pure curiosity.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited June 2019

    @checkingthings "family" isn't all about sharing blood, dna, etc. Family is about respect, and care/love. No doubt it's a huge loss given that we are taught to think "family is everything" which isn't always the case. As well as familiarity most times we spend with said individuals from a very young age, and grow with them: so, it can be quite difficult to disconnect. Though, understand that if you are not getting mutual: love, respect, and care from them, you need to move on. It's also not all for you to fix the relationship. Whenever you begin to feel it's you trying to do it all, don't do that to yourself. It's better to be alone then to hold on to those who hurt you! Unless your life depends on them. Or something. In which case, still look to move on. Though, however difficult work through your feelings, thought process: write it out (privately recommended) if need be. Then, also write out what things can help you to move on. If you need also, speak with family counsellor. You deserve to surround yourself with people that take care of you, as well.

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited June 2019

    @FunCartel

    There are many, many traits that I despise, and I've found that leniency on my part usually results in disappointment. There are only a few people who I talk with on a regular basis, and only one who I'm entirely open with— @DarrenWalker.

    I'm content with that. I've tried the whole "be nice and charming and social and go to bars with coworkers" thing, and I hated it. Furthermore, maintaining substantial relationships with more than one or two people is extremely exhausting for me.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    I do it by maintaining a network of friends, companions, superficial involvements, meditation. Still with this as a tactic, it hurts. Sometimes losing a best friend can be worse than a lover. After 2 1/2 years, I have only now reached a point of anger, a stage of grief recovery that indicates I'm almost there. Still, if he walked back in I would welcome him with open arms. He's suffering from paranoia. I leave the door open. Friends help, but there's no replacing him. We all get dealt a hand. His was psychosis. Oh yeah. Cuddling too! Almost forgot that. Really helps!

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    @PeopleLikeUs that's why I'm here. 4 deaths and this loss, 5 losses altogether, in eleven months.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @hogboblin Thank you for sharing. I understand where you are coming from.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    @hogboblin You said "usually results in disappointment." I'm curious, did they result in disappointment or in pain, you getting hurt?

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @checkingthings

    The things other people believe don’t often cause me pain. I see at as a matter of not settling for less, in a way, as it pertains to beliefs and convictions.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    @hogboblin thank you for answering

  • biancalovecraftbiancalovecraft

    Dear one, love from afar.
    You don't have to obliterate your bond with someone to take back some space that they don't fit in to. They might grow into that space, given proper direction, or distance. Either way, time will tell.
    Of course, you may have to learn to advocate for yourself. You will have to assert boundaries. You have to be able to say "I love you. And this is my space, and my standard".
    You're in a really good community to observe case studies on the subject. The participants here are many things, but being students of the lifelong struggle between autonomy and belonging makes them profoundly socially healthier that the general public.
    You might have to say "leave And don't ever come back". It depends on the particulars of the personality of the destructive person you love.
    Possibly, you could say, "leave And come back when .. ."
    Either way, you will have to hold your ground.
    Personally, I find it much better to love from afar, but I was raised by wolves. ,?

  • HappinessHenryHappinessHenry

    Dear @biancalovecraft Were the wolves required to pass any sort of public suitability assessment and/or criteria. Or did they simply nurture you on the low low, please?

  • HappinessHenryHappinessHenry

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    You do know that wolves pee on their young to mark them right? I do not think I would Cuddle a pro that had been raised by wolves for that reason. That and you could be the distraction the pack needs to barge in and make me the next meal.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    @biancalovecraft Thank you. I really appreciate your words.

    I thank all of you for your helpful contributions. I believe we are all very familiar with all of these sets of advice. Nevertheless, we are all sometimes in need of reminders.

    I like your expression "loving from afar." I've said something similar to a few acquaintances.

    In my case, my family is loving and kind. My father has always provided food, shelter, clothing, all the basic necessities. My mother has always maintained a healthy family. My parents are still together. Yet, since there are more goings on than I care to share, I still say I never love my family as much as I do when we are apart.

    I know I'll have to do the same with my cousin. I really wanted him and me to remain close always, but I realize that is not healthy for me now. It hurts. It hurts a lot to even think that way. But at least now I can shift my thinking from "goodbye for ever" to "goodbye and please comeback when..."

    Thank you all for allowing me to vent. I'm sure there'll be more venting still to come.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @checkingthings When you vent are you cutting slits into yourself?

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    No. There's no need for that. I happen to have been born with a few natural venting orifices.

    The one I prefer to use most often is my mouth. I inhale. As I exhale, I cause sound to come out through my mouth. Generally the sounds are in such an order that intelligible thoughts and ideas are carried across to an audience, even if only an audience of one. Sometimes those same ideas make it on to paper or screens through text.

  • SideonSideon

    You don't need to explain yourself to him or anyone, @checkingthings . The troll is slain.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    But... but... the troll is fun. I was having fun. Just five more minutes, mom. P L E A S E !

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    [laugh] I like your style, @checkingthings.

  • [Deleted User]checkingthings (deleted user)

    @DarrenWalker Thank you. Thank you very much. /takes a bow /rips pants /blush

  • [Deleted User]Bles (deleted user)

    I have been mourning the loss of both my still living parents for the last twenty years. You never stop mourning because their living presence is a cutting reminder of what was missed. I endured and overcame a life event that neither one of them understood or tried to. It was just not in their mental conditioning or DNA. And so they remain corpses in my mind even as they live to speak to me at family events and random phone conversations. The connection that could have been. The bond that was never made is part of my on going grief. But I live through it with a peaceful acceptance of who they are, who I am and it doesn't change the fact that my life originated with them. Who I am today is because of them, good and bad. For that gift I am forever grateful. Even as I live with the acceptance that my children will never know a fraction of who their grandparents are. My loss is also theirs in a way. It's still their choice to keep them alive. But a piece of me is always missing. That missing piece I fill with kindness to others, with nonjudgmental and open minded be thinking and balanced reasoning. With loving self compassion and self respect. And a relentless search for and questioning of whatever the truth looks like, in me or anyone or anything else .

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