Do you cuddle in secret?

drydorndrydorn
in General

So I'm curious what's common in cuddle culture. Is it a big secret that you would never tell another living soul that you do it? Or are you completely out in the open about it posting your latest cuddling story to your favorite social media platform? Where do you fall along the privacy/public knowledge spectrum?

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]Cris033 (deleted user)

    In my country it'd be seen as very odd and/or sexual, especially if it was done by opposite sexes, unfortunetly. I'd keep it down.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I’m pretty private about all things. I don’t like to explain myself to many people.

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    I’ve told my therapist and one other acquaintance. I feel like people would think 1) I’m crazy to do this
    2) it’s not safe
    3) touching other people especially strangers is yucky

    I don’t want to be judged so I don’t mention it to many people.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited June 2019

    Platonic cuddling is a lovely innocent thing that's nothing to be ashamed of, but for my friends / family / people in my culture, it would take a lot of explanation with the possibility of feeling judged, so I haven't talked about it really (just with people I've met online).

    I've booked airbnb places for just an afternoon rather than overnight, and explained the reason was because we were having a platonic cuddle -- and twice been refused. One of them got back to me a month later and said she'd done some research and decided it was fine, which was nice of her.

    @Brandi had a positive experience when she started sharing about cuddling:

    Just came out of the cuddle closet

    In an interview she added: "Coming out as a cuddler was a bit scary, because of course you never know how people will react. But I think I came out with such confidence in it, and I didn't feel ashamed or bad about what I was doing and it makes me happy. And I actually ended up getting much more support than I had anticipated."

    Other professionals like @ubergigglefritz and @AndiCuddles (and I'm sure lots more) are quite open about it too.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited June 2019

    @MarthaSpeaks I'm curious about the therapist's response to the idea of platonic cuddling?

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    This is a very good conversation, i feel that i keep it private is because of judgement. It’s difficult, i find, to articulate my thoughts appropriately for understanding. Therefore many times i keep things private. People have so many social norms, perspectives and prejudices that i find it difficult to sift through them and explain myself well.

    There is a safety concern, I’m sure everyone in here is cautious of but those that aren’t deprived of touch and human connection would never understand.
    There is a stigma of sex work that many people would judge instantly upon discussing such a thing. I won’t pass judgement on sex work, although i choose to not participate, that many people have that will loom over the idea of intimacy for a few.
    There are issues of privacy, about introducing strangers in your space that those with out a lack of touch would never understand.
    Not long ago in my life I’d totally be against this practice, actually when i read about it 5 years ago i thought it was weird and crazy; dismisses it as soft prostitution. But no as a lonely, lack of affection type of person i think it’s great.
    I am less reluctant to do this than online dating. I’ve window shopped online dating but never exposed myself as an online dater and am willing to do this before i ever did that. Why, because i know there is no one in my circumference that even knows about it. As soon as i had an idea someone that might judge me or lead me to judgement in my life knew about it I’d quite or goo private.
    This is all simply for my frame of mind and peace that i feel this way. I don’t want to be the trailblazer that brings this idea to my friends and family. I would however be an apostle to strangers, it’s weird but it’s real.
    The worst part of my thought process is that if my friends and family understood my need for affection I’d not need to be here.
    If i was capable of being completely open to potential ladies in my life about what i needed, I’d likely not be here. But the fact is that’s not the way it is. So unfortunate as it may be, i am here seeking affection, touch and closeness from people that do not love me or i don’t love. It’s a shame that the world has come to this but this is where we are as humans.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I realize now that i really went off on a tangent, based on th OP, i apologize but it lead me down the path of explaining what i felt. I also want to share the song i was referring to. Now i think of this site as a safe way platonic way to fulfill a need and this song is suggesting a way to fulfill another need. I really did think it was a great thought some years ago, probably before i ever had sex( not sure because i can’t remember when this came out). But here it is. Again sorry that this went off subject. https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=CmvUmu4TNd4

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    I bring it up to others I feel have the capacity for it. A few conversations have lead to cuddles with friends. But yeah, I don't go blabbing.

  • SnowboundSnowbound

    My therapist was surprised that I'd discovered cuddling and actually had a cuddle session, both between sessions with her. Maybe she thought I would be too anxious about touching someone I didn't really know to do it?

    I've told three of my friends, all of whom are definite vaults and are also very happy for me that I've found something that I consider so healing.

    As for my father, no dice. I think he'd come around to understanding it, but maybe I'll pass on this one.

  • biancalovecraftbiancalovecraft

    I have so much to say on this subject and really appreciate the conversation and responses! but I'm not sure if you want pro perspective and don't want to hijack.
    For now, I'll just mention since there's interest, that I've had a therapist as a client. He was also a marriage and family therapist. He was also MARRIED to a marriage and family therapist.
    He was also in a miserable marriage ?
    And of course he was a closet cuddler.
    The contradiction is mind blowing and understandable. I personally would love to tell everyone what I've learned, and don't mind being judged, but I do mind being condemned or victimized, so I'm selective about who I share with.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @drydorn what is your take on your own questions? ?

    @BashfulLoner

    It can be tough. Hope you meet others who can be your friend in person, and are more understanding.

    @Snowbound

    I am glad you found something healing for you, and that you've supportive people in your life.

    @pmvines

    What in the world! Do they require you tell them why you are there. Or your relationship with the person? Could you book if you said you two are friends? I guess I can understand the issues they are trying to avoid some. Still a bit strange to me nonetheless. I've no experience yet with booking hotels/etc. Nor have much interest in them personally. So, I am a newbie. lol. The closest I got to learning about it so far is through the triavgo ads. ?

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited June 2019

    As a general comment, I'd say:

    that there's also the more or less first thought of "dating" or other non-platonic things that some people think when you tell them you are meeting/seeing a guy/. Which, just made me chuckle when I first encountered. I was like okay... how do I go about explaining this... that I am not dating them. Or anything like it. Not sure how I handled that. Though, I handled okay. The most difficult one I find which, for various reasons I don't yet go for anyway, is: men who are much older than me. Even if I met many who seem sweet, and I'd like to get to know, pursuing any more than that is a difficulty of it's own.

    I am pretty sure once, one of my friends disconnected from me over saying I like a guy: who happened to be some years older than me. At the time, I didn't think of the social implications of saying I liked him, and gladly showing his picture. Or in part I trusted them. Oh well.

    I think now, for anyone who needs a little help 'coming out' is to test the waters by showing public figures we like: who are more or less the age of the people we'd like to spend time with. Depending on their response, you may proceed to tell them your reality: a few weeks to a month+ after. They may initially try to keep a straight face. Though, usually overtime they may, or may not change on you. So, giving it some time can help after testing the water. Alternatively, with generally helping others to understand platonic cuddling, you can start with asking what they know, any experience they have/would like to have, etc. Then, continue accordingly.

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited June 2019

    This thread is rather bizarre. “Coming out as a cuddler”?

    Yeah, man, that sounds super hard. Almost as much of a struggle as coming out as homosexual, or trans.

    Or even coming out as an atheist in an extremely religious family.

    Cuddlers got it rough indeed.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited June 2019

    @hogbolin not sure if you're trying to be sarcastic/etc. because you don't like people using "coming out" to describe their difficulties telling others "they just cuddle others" especially in most cases cuddling multiple strangers, some times strangers who are much older than them. Some getting paid, as well: professional cuddlers.

    Which each factor has it's own issues that add up, and many coming from religious/cultural backgrounds/families that look down on this. They've the right to use that term to describe their experience. While we often hear in the following contexts, the former more than the latter: It's not only reserved for LGBTQ+, and Atheists/etc. Some of us even belong to said groups Atheists, LGBTQ+, etc. and we understand on much deeper levels typically the different struggles, ways, and degrees with which each group faces. That doesn't invalidate our own struggles, and the ostracization/judgement/etc., that some of us fear, and face as a result of coming out to our friends/family, etc., that we just cuddle with others...

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    My therapist’s response was something like “you find the most interesting things to do. I’ve never heard of that.” If she said anything further, I blocked it out cause I didn’t want to hear her tell me it wasn’t safe or wise.

  • drydorndrydorn

    I personally will not be telling anyone that I am involved with professional cuddlers. I dont care how many times I tell my 40 year old wife that its just "platonic." If she found out I was lying in bed with my arms wrapped around a 23 year old gently stroking her hair and looking deeply into her eyes I'd quickly be hit with divorce papers. I'm involved with a number of different non-societally accepted activities/communities like this one. I have only told a select few of my close coworkers a little bit, as they also have their own illicit behaviors that they've shared with me.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Some if my friends know I like to cuddle but I don't really tell them I'm on a website for it unless it sparks interest . They just know I have some friends who I cuddle up with sometimes, and that's that . I usually tell them it's just cuddling so they don't think I am a cereal dater or that I'm super promiscuous lol so it's the lesser of the two

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited June 2019

    @Lovelight

    I’m sorry. I’ve been described as “pretentious” once or twice in regards to how I express myself—I’m very fond of English, and am against the cheapening of valuable words and expressions.

    In truth, my own coming out as a cuddler was an ordeal.

    I was fifteen. I was sitting across from father at the dinner table. He was entrenched in some fantasy novel and idly shoveling spaghetti into his mouth. The two of us often discussed whatever books we were reading—right then, however, I couldn’t bring myself to say a word, not even to make chit chat.

    Every word went weak and died between my brain and my mouth. The death spasms were my trembling lips.

    “Dad,” I said. He looked up from his book. “I’m a cuddler.”

    I knew the most profound relief for an instant, as if I’d managed the impossible—Sisyphus reached the top of the hill with his boulder and the thing stayed there.

    I made who I was known.

    “What?” My father said, setting down his fork. The clink of metal on porcelain could have been the earth splitting in half.

    “I’m a cuddler,” I said. It was easier to say this time, but where I had felt strong a moment before I now felt like a kicked dog.

    I’d never seen so many expressions warring on a person’s face. There was doubt, there was repulsion, there was anger. Each twisted and changed, and although I recognized my father, he did not recognize me.

    “Not my son,” he said. He stood, and his chair fell backwards, crashing against the floor. “Not my son!”

    He stomped around the table to where I sat. I felt each step he took in my bones. I cried out when his hand gripped my hair, twisted, and yanked. His other hand—a fist—moved slowly through the air, as if it traveled through molasses. “No, please,” I wanted to scream.

    Pain. Sudden, terrible pain. My father drew his fist back. I gasped, as if I’d been held underwater until my lungs had atrophied into nothing. He hit me again, and again.

    ...I recovered quickly. Physically, anyway. The worst part was the sense that I was now an unwelcome stranger in my own home, amongst my family.

    But hey! I guess it could have been worse. I used to have a friend in Saudi Arabia. Her brother got stoned to death by an angry mob when he came out as a cuddler.

    The struggle is real. Be strong, everyone. <3

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    @hobgoblin
    I hope you have a good therapist and no children. And a novel in the works.

  • drydorndrydorn

    @hogboblin I love it! Keep the fan fiction coming!!!

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited June 2019

    @hogboblin sorry you had such experience coming out as a cuddler. That is terrible! There are a lot of things in life that cause people especially, family members to react in horrendous manner. I also watched documentaries where plenty of girls/women have been killed, disowned, etc., because “they had a boyfriend.” It is a struggle! Both cuddlers, and LGBTQ+ people being stoned in countries like Saudi Arabia, and being ostracized/etc., by families around the world, who share certain religious/cultural backgrounds are a real threat, and concern for many.

    Anybody who thinks being a cuddler is always a walk in the park, and doesn’t carry much difficulties for many, EDIT: lacks such experience end of edit., and has narrow perspective on the subject*. I hope this helps many see beyond their own life experiences.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @drydorn interesting, alright.

  • hogboblinhogboblin

    @Lovelight

    You’re too kind. Thank you.

  • HugsAndAttitudeHugsAndAttitude

    I do not tell anyone but I also do not tell a lot of people what I did on the weekend. I am just a private person and life is too short to be judged.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @hogboblin I try, no problem. ?

  • deefinedeefine
    edited June 2019

    I've been in several different sub-cultures in my state, some contradictory, just due to how I was raised and friends and family and art, and I've even seen a few people here in some of those scenes, but I keep myself private just because I know sites like these have been shunned and made fun of by people in those communities, you'd be surprised, even the online dating sites are treated the same way.

    In my state at least, even the anti-religious communities have a suprising aptitude toward in-real-life exclusive dating/physicality/sex/relationship behavior, almost like they're subconsciously falling into basic Mormon-like ideals and judgementalism just to feel more comfortable in their surrounding.. Maybe I'm missing something, but I've found people in other states are more open to finding their own tastes than here in fall-in-line Utah.

  • ColouredCrayonsColouredCrayons

    Typically I tell people if the topic comes up or someone asks about who xyz is or what I was up to over the weekend. People who want to be negative or judgmental are probably also the people I don't want to have around me. Not worth living in fear over what people will think about you.

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    @hogboblin Yep. It's confirmed, I totally have a bro-crush on you! That was just awesome!

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @hogboblin holy crap that’s a story! I hope it’s not true, but if it is I’m proud that you lived your truth! And the description was great. I’ll never have a story like that because, like I’ve said before, i won’t share. And i will try to beat people up who address me physically. I’ve been bigger than my dad since i was 15 and i still can’t get the better of him, but i think I’d try if i was just trying to be me. Any other reason I’d fold, and that’s been my life.

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    @hogboblin - I didn't know repulsion in that context was a word, maybe it's an Americanism. I would have used revulsion

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