Yes, that´s the answer, people need to compromise. Not everyone is comfortable with what you want. So you will need to talk about it to reach common ground. Don´t just tell people not to do something, you can only tell them that whatever they are doing makes you uncomfortable in your inbox when they actually do it. Everyone will do what makes them comfortable, if someone is straight to the point and you don´t like it you just tell them. Just because this is how they communicate doesn´t mean they view you as an object. You tell them personally that it makes you uncomfortable and only if they don´t care after that you can say that they somehow don´t see you as a human being.
@MJ150 I didn't tell them not to do "something" I explained here my discomfort, and wondered why some do things this way. "Just because this is how they communicate doesn't mean they view you as an object." It doesn't mean that they don't, either. Though still doesn't change how it makes me and others feel.
I gave* many the opportunity to give their thoughts and told them: that this approach can make many of us especially, women uncomfortable, feel objectified, etc. Things such as: asking last minute to meet/cuddle tonight.
That said, if for example, my preference is to not cuddle with smokers, etc. Which it's clearly stated on my profile and such demographic contacts me, then, I already told through my profile. So, it's pretty pointless that they contact. The later I am against fully, and they are the ones that need to respect set boundaries.
@MJ150: Hey, good morning (on my end of the internet)!
When dealing with me, maybe don't use somebody else's reasoning. Just in case I don't use it, you know; you might wanna figure out what reasoning I use, being as you're talking to me. Same computer, yeah—I get that for you, we both exist through this one computer of yours—but we're different people. You can tell on account of our different personalities.
. "Just because this is how they communicate doesn't mean they view you as an object." It doesn't mean that they don't, either. Though still doesn't change how it makes me and others feel.
So it doesn´t mean either, so there´s no need for you to feel like an object as there is no reason to. Also you stated that you feel as an object when they disregard your needs and feelings etc. But if all you got is the first msg asking you if you want to cuddle then there is no disregard for your needs or feelings as they pretty much know nothing about your needs and feelings aside from what you have on your profile. You can only say they disregard your feelings and needs if they do something you have already stated you don´t want done to you.
@MJ150 I am saying it doesn't necessarily * mean that they are not objectifying, either.
If they care to ask they would know what my needs are and a bit more about my preferences, etc. Faliure to ask nothing about people's preferences, and needs is a disregard in and of itself.
Some do also disregard that which has already been expressed through one's profile.
@Lovelight: [nod, nod] Disregard, thoughtlessness... they're very similar.
Practically the same thing, except that "disregard" usually carries a connotation of knowing a thing, but not caring, while "thoughtlessness" usually means the thing would have been known if some thinking had been done... but the thinking wasn't done.
Very common to get both on here. The internet is like that.
They do ask if you want to cuddle to see if your needs are similar to them, if they are not you simply state them. And only if they don´t care after knowing, then you can say they disregard them.
@MJ150: One could say that if they don't ask, it looks like they don't care.
On a site like this, I figure it's a fair assumption that everyone wants to cuddle. With me? Maaaybe not. So I ask, "Would you like to cuddle with me?" And they go, "What? I don't know, dude, I don't know you."
So that's where the specifics come in, I figure.
"I see your profile says you like animation and comedy. I like those things too! Wanna chat a bit and see if maybe we'd like to get together and watch a funny anime or something?"
'Cause that way, I'm not being pushy—I'm recognizing their stated preferences and allowing for the fact that they're a human being who might not get along with the kind of person I am, and so will definitely want to feel out what kind of person I am before meeting up... you know, to see if I'm okay with their unstated preferences.
If someone doesn't give due regard to both stated and unstated preferences... they're being pretty thoughtless.
[cough]justlikeIwasatfirst[cough]
@DarrenWalker Some people don´t want to waste their time, you might be here just to check out the site or to comment on these threads. So some people won´t have a long convo to get to know you only to realize that you are not interested in cuddling. That´s why the main question comes first. I have had many girls say that they would cuddle with me and give me their Snapchat just so they could feed off of my attention. One even said that she doesn´t even like being touched after agreeing to cuddle and we talked for like 3 weeks. That´s why its important to know if you have common interest before talking about additional and different interests and working together to compromise. But as you can see by my example people might even fake common interest just to have their own way. I guess I was objectified.
Gosh golly gee this is still alive and kicking like the immortal vampire thread that it is ?
@MJ150: There are people on here who don't want to cuddle?
I mean, I know there are people on here who want more than cuddles—but what's the point of being here just to look around? Making an account just to comment on the forums... okay, that I can see. But not wanting to actually cuddle with anybody? Weird.
Heck, I don't typically like being touched: I'm on here because I make an exception for cuddles.
Joining CuddleComfort and not wanting cuddles... baffling.
Edit:
Regarding the woman who promised you something she never intended to give—you definitely got used. But everyone uses everybody else all the time: that's just how human interaction works.
Ask somebody to pass you the salt, you're using them. The important thing is what you're offering in trade. "If you pass me the salt," you're effectively saying, "I'll thank you." They give you the salt, you give them thanks. Is it an equivalent exchange? Doesn't really matter, so long as you're both satisfied.
So what did you get out of the ~3 weeks of chatting with this woman? Sure, she baited you into it, you thought you were getting more—but did you get nothing?
You got used. Nothing you can do about that. But did you at least get something out of it?
Objectification isn't really my area of expertise. I'm not real clear on what it looks like when you see another person as a person, instead of a potential source of stuff you want (the salt, a cuddle, an interesting conversation, whatever). Do you know? Does anyone here know? 'Cause I don't, and I'd like to.
That's why these guys ghost on even messaging the gay guys that wanna cuddle them (yet, they have cuddling everyone as an option). It's part of our heteronormative culture. While we are progressing, male stereotypes and roles remain strict and even female friends accidentally confirm and reinforce them. Girls, I suggest you get some male friends that like cuddling men. The more we break down something as simple as a man holding another man not having to be elicited as sexual, the sooner straight men might hopefully stop seeing women as objects. The memes and jokes aside, there's a high amount of truth behind men touching men: it's considered explicitly gay (even the term bromance is trying to homophobically deter the "but im not gay" mentality). So sad, so still homophobic, and leaves men only hurting themselves and others.
@DarrenWalker
" [nod, nod] Disregard, thoughtlessness... they're very similar.
Very common to get both on here. The internet is like that."
Sure I can see the bits of difference now. Though, it goes without saying that most if not all humans have thoughts, and or feelings. So, asking what theirs are on a few subjects unrelated to just what they can do for you is important, and a good start. Being thoughtless nonetheless isn't the best combo for a good cuddle experience. Then talking about whatever shared interest you might have. Plus, understanding that asking most especially, female enthusiasts to meet the same night is not advised, and can make many uncomfortable: as it's generally not as bright out, and barely gives them time to get ready, and inform safety contacts.
@MJ150
"Some people don´t want to waste their time, you might be here just to check out the site or to comment on these threads. So some people won´t have a long convo to get to know you only to realize that you are not interested in cuddling. That´s why the main question comes first. I have had many girls say that they would cuddle with me and give me their Snapchat just so they could feed off of my attention. One even said that she doesn´t even like being touched after agreeing to cuddle and we talked for like 3 weeks. That´s why its important to know if you have common interest before talking about additional and different interests and working together to compromise. But as you can see by my example people might even fake common interest just to have their own way. I guess I was objectified."
I get the point about not wanting to waste time and wanting to know if someone would cuddle with you. Though, there needs to be a bit of time put into helping others feel more comfortable with you, and exchanging a bit of things not necessarily related to cuddles. Then shift the conversation to cuddles, and trying to set meeting with each other. You would want to know if they like cuddles before meeting anyway. So, shouldn't take weeks to throw in there a few exchange of interests. Music, movies, etc. That can also help understand if there are shared interests to do some times while cuddling. Doesn't necessarily have to take 3 weeks to do these. Being a complete stranger and saying "me want meet you, me want cuddle you tonight." Is uncomfortable for many and for good reasons! Try to find some balance between too much time waste, and putting in some effort and time into getting to know each other a bit before moving up the ladder.
@MJ150 also a good way to help combat fake mutual interests. Or help get original responses is to ask people questions of your own.
For example:
Them: What kind of sports do you like?
You: Soccer, and Basketball.
Them: Same!
You: Cool, what else you like? Or what are your favorite music genres?
@gaymagineer I don't mind men who like. Nor men who don't like cuddling other men. It's their right, and comfort either way. Men and women don't have the same body type and so, for many that's a big factor for cuddling, as well. What sex one chooses to cuddle doesn't determine whether they objectify, etc. Or not.
It may be they ghost you because you are a guy and even though they selected "everyone" they are having second thoughts for whatever reason. Sometimes it's for their own safety, and how they are likely to be seen by others. Sometimes they are not ready to "be out" with the fact that they cuddle with men, as well. There are gay men who also cuddle women because they are not ready to be out. Still if one begins to doubt it's important to choose what's already comfortable asap. Til more thought can be put into what one would like to do.
Or it could be a list of other reasons unrelated to you being a man. Or whatever. Maybe it isn't even about you. Nonetheless, ghosting is terrible! It's important to strive to be upfront with others about not wanting to continue.
@Lovelight It´s easy said by someone who actually gets msgs. As someone who send msgs you need to make sure the other knows your interests first and respond accordingly. Lets say a new girl just got out of a break up and logs in here to find someone to hold her tonight. Would she reply to ¨Hey I saw you have a nice profile and we both like music¨ or to ¨Hey I was wondering if you have sometime to cuddle tonight¨. If she wants to cuddle she wants to cuddle and is more willing to reply to people with the same interest instead to someone who just wants to talk. As someone who sends msgs its rally frustrating to get replies only for people to have a pointless convo that leads to nothing, if you put your interest in the opening msgs even if she is not interested you will get to know that right away. Also people lie, just like that girl lied about liking cuddles only to waste 3 weeks of my time. I think as someone who gets inboxes and just pick an choose what to respond to you will never understand.
@MJ150 Or you could take advice and learn from folks who do actually get responses that lead to finding a cuddle pal and adjust your approach because what you are currently doing you admit does not seem to work. But go ahead and argue away if you must....
How do I turn off notifications for just this thread?
@pmvines Making my intentions clear worked better than anything else and saved me a lot of time compared to the trying to get to know each other approach that didn´t work once and only lead to me being objectified lol.
@MJ150 Ok so stick to what you know then. But you are getting lost in the argument here. This last word at all costs approach would not make you seem very appealing to folks reading= your comments, and many folks read the forums even if they don't post. You are coming across as obsessive and arrogant. A person seeing this might have had the potential of responding to you and even meeting, but after reading your comments and seeing your personality, decide that it is not worth it.
@pmvines If that´s what your think. Your opinions are not facts tho.
That's enough here. There's been plenty of unproductive back & forth.
Closed. 20 JUN 2019 10:01 EDT