I had a what if question put to me months ago

TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
in General

This what if question was put to me by the only person outside this site that knows I use this site (my cousin). She has heard from me about all the “altruistic” cuddlers on the forums and she is a natural skeptic like me, so she posed a question.

Would you cuddle and comfort someone on death row if this action were known to the families of the victims?

I will be interested to hear the answers and explanations.

Comments

  • CardiacKidCardiacKid

    Hell no, you made your bed and can lie in it....alone.

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    Interesting question indeed.

    First, would I be able to trust someone who is on death row not to harm me in any way when we cuddled. Not sure. It would depend on the person and situation.

    Second, could I cuddle with someone that perpetrated heinous violence against another person? I might not be able to if I knew all the details.

    Third, if anyone is in need of solace or physical comfort to ease some kind of burden or whatever, I think my natural inclination would be to happily provide it. I would want to alleviate anyone’s suffering.

    Fourth, whether the victims family knew or not might be irrelevant. I wouldn’t expect them to understand my position necessarily.

    Is that like saying would you bring someone on death row a hamburger that they were craving if the victim’s family knew?

  • hogboblinhogboblin
    edited July 2019

    What a fun question. Absolutely killer, I think!

    The short version: yes.

    The long version: If I knew the person and was fond of them to any extent, I would cuddle them gladly.

    If I didn’t know the person, I’d need to be convinced of my safety. This could be achieved by way of a guard, or by a system of restraints—both would be preferable, especially if the person on death row were psychotic or prone to random acts of violence.

    I’d also want to interview the person as we cuddled. So, ideally, they’d be eloquent and have an interesting perspective on what they did. If they were just like, “I shot a bunch of people because I was in a gang at the time” I wouldn’t be too intrigued by them, and would be less inclined to cuddle altogether.

    Also: I probably wouldn’t cuddle them if they had those teardrop tattoos on their face, or religious imagery inked onto them. That stuff is gross. Fascist/racist symbols, too: I’ve never encountered a clever person with a swastika, or the Confederate flag, marked on their flesh.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    This is funny for me to answer because I say on my website that a client will be blacklisted if they are discovered to have an active record or a record of committing crimes against the vulnerable sector. A murderer though? Ehhhhh. That's a different breed of criminal. If I felt that the person on death row was rehabilitated to the point that the no longer have that mindset which makes it possible to harm others, I might. As for if the victim's family knew... that might be the ultimate deterent. I am a huge true crime nerd - I live and breathe the stuff and have read about and watched tons of it since I was a kid. I don't think I have ever had feelings of inclining warmth for someone who is twisted enough to take another life or commit violence of an unspeakable calibre. Not an ounce. I do however have empathy for what they may have gone through in life for them to get to that position. At the same time, it is emotional wreckage for me to see and think of the pain that the families of victims go through. Murder always takes away more lives than one, including that of the perpetrator.

    So, the optimist in me wants to say yes if it were guaranteed to be safe, because as many of us pro cuddlers often say, everyone deserves touch without fear of judgment. The supporter of justice for victims in me however is stronger and says no. If anything, families of the victims of heinous crimes are probably the ones who need it more, since they will continue to live with a gaping loss for the rest of their lives. People on death row are often content to be where they are, and look forward to when their day comes so they can shut off forever. Death is comfort for the dying and torture for the living.

  • RaindropSweetieRaindropSweetie

    I would. I have a habit of seeing the best in people. Even death row inmates were sweet, innocent children at some point. Life just got to them. Maybe if they were cuddled more before their crimes, then they wouldn't be on death row. Why let them leave this world without ever experiencing a bit more of the quality they lack?

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    This is one of those questions that's more than just one question. Would you cuddle and comfort someone on death row if this action were known to the families of the victims? Well, let's start with the first bit.

    Would you cuddle and comfort someone?

    Honestly, I'm not that focused on the other person. I'll cuddle them and comfort them, sure—but that's not my primary goal, is it? The whole reason I cuddle is to get the physical contact I need to stay healthy. The only reason I want to make sure my buddy's also getting what they need out of the cuddle is this: an equivalent exchange is more likely to be repeated, and I may want to cuddle them again.

    Would you cuddle and comfort someone on death row?

    First I'd want to be sure they definitely weren't going to hurt me. Next I'd want to be sure I was going to get what I need out of the cuddle. Following that... well, if they're comforted, that's fine by me—but if they're not, that's fine by me, too. It's not like a repeat cuddle is in the cards here anyway, right?

    Would you cuddle and comfort someone on death row if this action were known to the families of the victims?

    Depends. Are they going to hurt me? If so, forget it. There's no way I'd get enough out of one cuddle to make up for, say, having my life (or quality of life) ruined via baseball bat—or even just made a little more difficult by infamy on social media.

    Of course, come to think of it, I've never pretended to be an altruistic cuddler.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    Short answer - I agree with a lot of what has been said. I have some renewed hope reading so many people responding to this positively. We must be cautious of our safety, but in the end, I do this because everyone deserves it. Everyone has a story to tell and a reason for being who they are... One of my favorite episode on the show I am a Killer on Netflix is proof of the power of connection. It both broke and warmed my heart to see how much connection helped this one murderer on death row. It's amazing.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs
    edited July 2019

    No. That cuddle would cause more pain than it would alleviate. Though it may bring temporary comfort from the inevitable, the pain it caused the family and friends of the victim would last their lifetimes and may make recovery more difficult. It would serve a long term disservice.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited July 2019

    @PeopleLikeUs You put that perfectly and in better words than I did. I wonder, what about if the family has actually forgiven a death row inmate who has shown at least some sort of remorse? It's rare but it does happen. I think I'd be more likely to go into it if that were the case.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs
    edited July 2019

    @Catloaf There are several aspects of recovery from such an ordeal including denial and bargaining. Because of that, there is no way of knowing whether or not a person has forgiven someone or is just putting up a front as a way to deal with unresolved emotional issues.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited July 2019

    @PeopleLikeUs Could you elaborate? There are quite a few cases in which the victims have had some type of closure which allowed them to process the loss, usually in the form of actually communicating with the killer. The latter is willing to accept that they wish they could change their actions, and they also acknowledge that they have caused the family an immeasurable amount of pain. "Forgiveness" is probably a horrible word to use with regard to how the family would receive this; "acceptance" is more like it. This is incredibly rare however, and it isn't surprising that it is since most who have committed murder were likely somewhere on the very high end of the spectrum of narcissism at one time or another. Those on the high end typically are too far gone to change, and to also have any empathy at all - if any remorse is shown, it could be a scheme to save face. But on the incredibly rare occasion, people do turn from narcissism in prison and even on death row.

    Edit: Will add my second comment here since you elaborated on yours. That is a very fair point and I do understand that there are multiple stages when dealing with loss in general, nevermind something as severe as losing a loved one in cold blood. In the case of a family claiming that they have "forgiven" the person who took their loved one, as well as a perp claiming remorse, it would probably be more appropriate to have an actual licensed psychologist or psychotherapist mediate before the session, to determine where everybody actually stands. Of course, some people will have no problem putting on a mask to hide how they really feel in the face of professionals who probe the psyche. Damned if you do, damned if you don't really.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    @Catloaf As you pointed out, forgiveness is different for everyone. Same with recovery. Whereas one person will find a way to walk away from such a crazy situation, another person can't through no fault of their own. I would hate to think that anything I knowingly did to support the killer would prolong such pain and suffering to loved ones. Also, death row more often than not is life in prison.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited July 2019

    I would hate to think that anything I knowingly did to support the killer would prolong such pain and suffering to loved ones.

    That's where my original stance is coming from. While the inmate has his own struggles which led him to kill, the family's prolonged pain should definitely be considered... they are forced to go back to living a "normal life" and will be reminded of the harrowing loss day after day. If the killer is someone who is absolutely incapable of remorse or acknowledging that what they did was wrong, they are operating at the highest level of the narcissistic spectrum and would probably not have such unpleasant sentiments as the family would. The brain structure of a high-end narcissist is different and difficult to contend with, and a cuddle is probably going to do moot anyway when certain areas are literally turned off or function abnormally. Not so much a case of who needs it more, but a case of who is going to be in more pain if I go through with this, definitely. The situation would have the potential to breed so much resentment, and I could not cuddle somebody knowing that I caused another person pain, even if I felt that everyone deserved a chance at it.

    My posts are Word Salad right now. Bleh. I'm going to bed. 😂

  • Mister_ChrisMister_Chris

    I'd be more likely to cuddle/comfort the victim's family instead.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    Forgiveness is absolutely a key aspect to recovery. For as long as you hold anger, the person who caused you pain is winning. I can't know where anyone is in their recovery, but that is out of my control. Anyone who asks to be held recognizes the impact it could have on them. They deserve it. I can't make the judgment call on how that would impact anyone else... 😕

  • HugsAndAttitudeHugsAndAttitude
    edited July 2019

    It depends. There are murderers that should be comforted and understood for posterity’s sake. What the victim’s family think is inconsequential. You cannot live your life based on what others think.

    Edit That was a little harsh. I sympathize with the family but if I am cuddling the offender then I cannot be worrying about the fallout. If we continue to ignore those who offend and isolate them instead of learning we will only see a repetition from others full of rage. It is the reach out vs bury one’s head in the sand quandary.

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