Touch deprivation

SallertSallert
in General

I'm gonna share a little bit of my story. Hopefully this won't run too long. I'm interested in other peoples' views & experiences.

I came to this site after a relationship ended in April. A week after I started summer vacation I found myself curled up on my couch profoundly sad and crying with loneliness. Normally I never do stuff like that, I'm known as a happy and optimistic person.

I've read about how men suffer from touch deprivation, and I was feeling it intensely and going into a really dark depression. I was actually developing some self-harming ideations. Which is totally not me.

Googling let me here to CC.cm and I signed up. I've since had one cuddle session, done some reading and healing, and have tried to reach out for more. It takes some time, I'm finding.

I'm wondering what other people's experiences with deprivation, it's going to isolation, what it's cost you, and how you cope. How do you approach friends for intimate, non-sexual touch and companionship?

What other physical activities do you do to get your mood back into equilibrium?

Comments

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    I’m an avid partner dancer (mostly swing) and many people dance because it’s a form of safe touch. I dance for the musical/emotional expression, but the safe physical contact is definitely a plus.

  • mallymalmallymal

    I'm going though the same thing myself. I haven't been in a relationship with anybody before and literally all my friends and college friends are in relationships or have families on there own. It's especially hard as a guy at 32 because I thought I would have been married at this point. At first I felt like there was something wrong with me because I was desiring to be touched and loved and I didn't have anyone around me who could comprehend what I am going through. I didn't even know touch deprivation was a thing until I googled it. Thats how I stumbled across Cuddlecomfort and met my cuddler. She is awesome!

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @mallymal Married at this point is one of those societal expectations that causes more anxiety and stress than good. You are perfectly ok—you are alive at a time when the pressure is not as great to get married as it once was. There is nothing wrong with you that a little cuddle here and there can’t help with!

  • turtle22turtle22

    I am currently in a relationship that has become strained and distant; and the lack of touch and affection has become very difficult to adjust to. What was once a buffet has become a barren wasteland, and we still live together. Even trading backrubs is bittersweet because I long for the extended cuddles and surprise kisses of before. It's so painful right now. I'm grateful for what I had but I fear that I will never be as happy again. :(

  • ShortsShorts

    This morning I dreamed that my sister and I were squeezing each other without letting go, and then my alarm woke me up. I've been looking for somebody I can ask for a hug ever since. :'(

  • Cuddlestogo64Cuddlestogo64

    I am touch deprived. It makes me feel depressed. I hope to find a Cuddle Partner who I can give and received warm cuddles/hugs from.

  • turtle22turtle22

    I think some communities of people are more affectionate; I see it with conscious dance people. Friends often hug hello and goodbye but I agree that there aren't many good precedents for non-sexual touch beyond a brief hug. Asking to be held by a friend? Getting a massage can be good. I also feel like floating in water, or wrapping up in a warm blanket, and drinking a hot tea can provide some comfort without a partner. Taking a nature walk feels good too, even laying on the ground is a hug from mama Earth.

  • johnallenjohnallen

    Love to cuddle just give me a warm feeling

  • FWCuddlesFWCuddles
    edited July 2019

    I totally get this. I read somewhere that the average person needs 8 10 second long hugs a day for the sake of their wellbeing. I'm lucky if I get one a week. Skin hunger is a real thing

  • SallertSallert

    I'm so happy people are hearing and responding to this, and sharing their stories. I fear that social messaging about toxic masculinity makes us men fear physical closeness and interaction.

    If it's not sexual, it's not "manly" -- and something as simple as a hug or a vigorous frisbee game with a friend or helping a friend up a vigorous hill climbing can connect us to our fellow human beings.

    We are not meant to be alone. I wish Society didn't send us the message that this most natural part of being a human is somehow not acceptable.

    Thank yall for sharing yall's stories, I wish you healing and help

  • TallmannTallmann

    Ugh. I know how you feel. I was monogamous with a woman who didn’t like physical contact for 14 years. It seriously impacted my self esteem and I was often depressed. Now that I’m single again I’ve been finding cuddles through dating apps. Not a lot of cuddles. The ask is weird to many. But some come through. I started meditating with headspace app and found it helps me manage thoughts and feelings in ways I never knew I could.

  • SallertSallert

    I'd be interested in hearing how you do the ask. I'm honestly too awkward to ask even after a couple of dates

  • [Deleted User]7huggable (deleted user)

    I was always shy, only had a couple girlfriends in high school. Spent years alone. Eventually married, but she was a sexual abuse survivor and her trauma resurfaced. We slept in separate beds, no kissing, no intimacy, only platonic touch if any. That ended in 2007. Since then I’ve only had one “relationship”. It is truly awful, living without contact, without touch, without intimacy. At this point, I’ve gone so long without any of it, I feel like a freak, undesirable and unwanted.

  • jojocho117jojocho117

    I can relate to this completely, I suffer from bpd and I just moved to Ohio from Washington the one friend I moved in with has a gf now who also lives with us, so we dont spend much time at all together, I would kill for a hug or even a night of cuddles. Something to look forward to. It's hard to keep any motivation in my life if I have noone to share it with. I've debated massage therapy even going as far as escorts but I could never go through with it because I know I'm better then that. I've always been used to having someone in my life to hug or even hold hands with and no I got nothing ita only been 3 months since I moved but its been hell.

  • lumiere02lumiere02

    I've been touched starved for the better part of a decade. Family wasn't touchy so I never learned to be. Then I had a boyfriend, it lasted a year of constant cuddling and I've been lonely ever since. It was worse after, knowing what I was missing on. Sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep. Skin crawling, self-harm ideations. Hugging people would make me want to cling and cry too. So I avoided touching most of the time because I didn't want to make the person I was hugging uncomfortable. I'm just learning to be more affectionate with friends but quick hugs don't help. Found a cuddle buddy on this website though and I've cried three times on him, partly because of the relief I was feeling. Thank God he doesn't mind.

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    in case any one is interested, Nordic Cuddle has an interesting short blog post on touch deprivation.https://www.nordiccuddle.com/post/7-signs-you-might-be-suffering-from-touch-deprivation

    lack of affection especially physical touch can affect us in different ways.

  • darkzazzdarkzazz

    I’ve never once been touched by a woman. The closest thing to human physical contact that I have had is a handshake. People have only used me for my emotions, and it’s left me a untouched husk of pain and despair. I just want to cold to end..

  • [Deleted User]7huggable (deleted user)

    Darkzazz I’m so sorry to hear that. I know the pain you feel. It’s almost impossible to describe and most people have no idea what it feels like to live without the touch of someone else. And to be used for your emotions, I’ve been there too. Sometimes I think those people drained everything good and light out of my heart.

    Don’t give up, it is tough, tougher than anyone knows. But so are you!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @darkzazz: I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up without a mother. I hope you find a decent buddy on here. It's a good site for friends. Best of luck!

  • [Deleted User]7huggable (deleted user)

  • MarthaSpeaksMarthaSpeaks

    @7huggable that explains a lot. I went to a workshop recently in which someone asked how do you incorporate touch intimacy into your life if you were raised without it and I found myself answering the question. Strangely, it dawned on me at that very moment, that I was raised without it! Makes complete sense!

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    The power of touch is amazing!

  • [Deleted User]7huggable (deleted user)

    The absence of touch, especially sensual touch is profoundly destructive. I can’t believe the state I’m in.

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