Are you a cuddler whose SO/spouse knows you cuddle?

[Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)
edited October 2019 in General

I am married (23 years today) and my hubs knows I cuddle. I understand some people may think it is strange or wrong that I cuddle with men who are not my husband. I truly do love my husband and in many ways we are very compatible, but when it comes to affection/intimate touch we are not.

I don’t want to leave him but I also don’t want to live without affection so I compromise with cuddling. I told my hubs because I am an awful liar and I wanted him to know I choose to cuddle for the stress/anxiety relief as much as the affection.

I’m not sure he loves that I cuddle but he is supportive in that he accepts it. I would like to hear from others if your spouse/SO knows and how it is working for you and in your relationship. Thanks!

Comments

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    My hubby supports it ☺️ It helps with a lot of the bills that come in but he knows that I’m a generally very cuddly person so offering it as a service makes sense to him. He always worries about my safety but as long as I let him know when my session begins and ends, send him a pic of my client and message him as soon as I’m done, he’s happy. We are a very affectionate couple. Him and I take time every day to cuddle each and he comes first no matter what. I never book a client when he has the day off ☺️ Sometimes before he goes to work, he will help me clean before a client comes! Lol I have the best hubby ever! 💖💖

  • [Deleted User]BigHugsPA (deleted user)

    My wife does not know, but only because she would not be able to process the information due to her illness. The illness is the core reason why I seek to cuddle others (my wife is not capable to that kind of connection). I suppose if she had never gotten sick, I wouldn't be here.

  • ILikeWarmHugsILikeWarmHugs

    I am single but my future person will know that cuddling and this community are very important to me as it helped me heal.

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)
    edited October 2019

    Thanks for sharing @Sheena123 @BigHugsPA and @ILikeWarmHugs. I didn't expect a ton of responses to this thread since the majority of people on this site seem to be men and I assume most of them are not disclosing they cuddle to their wives (at least none of the married men who I've chatted with have).

    @Sheena123 I am sure being a pro helps your hubs understand. I briefly thought about being a pro but just don't think I can balance it with my FT job which can be very demanding. My hubs worries about my safety, as well, but he knows I have a BFF who I provide all the info to and check in with when cuddling. I also text my hubs when I am in the car heading home so he doesn't worry too much.

  • [Deleted User]WarmEmbrace4U (deleted user)

    For reasons that are not for me to disclose, my wife is very uncomfortable with prolonged physical touch. It took me almost 20 years into our marriage for me to realize that cuddling was something essential for me, and we discussed options, and we agreed this was a healthy option. She doesn't like me bringing it up (a cuddling session, that I feel more focussed today because I enjoyed one, etc, etc) because it makes her feel inadequate (I DO NOT agree with her), but I have her support to cuddle with others. As others have said, I never schedule ba cuddle where it would take away time from her.

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)
    edited October 2019

    @WarmEmbrace4U I understand. The reasons for the situation in my marriage are also very personal. Like you, it took me 23 years to realize cuddling was something essential for me, as well. Also, like you, I share a little with my hubs about my cuddles, but don't share any details to protect his feelings. Likewise, I always check with him before scheduling as to not take time away from our time together. Thank you for sharing.

  • DonLonGDonLonG

    Make sure to get your permission slips signed boys!

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)

    @DonLonG you ain't right... LOL

  • ILikeWarmHugsILikeWarmHugs

    Lol @DonLonG

  • NYCLatnGuyNYCLatnGuy

    I’m not married, but have been with my SO for almost 10 years, and find myself in a very similar situation to you @2dogmom

    She is a little more supportive than you describe your spouse, especially since she has seen how my mood has improved and our relationship actually feels healthier to us now that both of our needs are more consistently met. We are also a little bit more liberal in the type of affection and intimacy that we accept each other seeking outside our relationship, but I do like cuddling because it takes away unreasonable expectations that my partners may otherwise have.

    That said, she knows she is my priority in everything and my cuddles are scheduled around making sure my time with her comes first. Communication is absolutely vital to making something like this work when people have different love languages and needs, but desire to build a life together.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited October 2019

    Long post from me incoming. This is one of my favourite topics. I love reading about the relationships enthusiasts and pros have outside the world of cuddling. Many people still believe it's impossible for a man to be okay with this. While it's healthy to have a boundary, it is never okay to possess or control someone, in either case. If my husband wasn't comfortable on any level about what I do, I couldn't do it unless I left him. And thankfully it's never come to that. Bigger things, like feuding families with wild religious views, and my own former addictions to reckless sex/dating outside our relationship have come close to ripping us apart. This is really nothing in the scheme of everything we've gone through this far.

    Married here as well for 2 years but will be together for 9 years total as of January 2020. I've been cuddling as a pro longer than we've been married (Nov. 2016). At first he did have some issues when I told him what I planned to do, as he is a lot more conservative than I am due to religious upbringing, but he is still surprisingly liberal in other areas. He came round once he saw how happy it makes me to do this, how it contributed to areas of my life I'd neglected (mainly creativity/purpose) and he has compromised many of his beliefs to support me.

    It helps that we did try the open marriage/relationship thing for a couple of years, the trust we've developed as far as interacting with others is rock solid. Though I won't knock open marriage/relationships because it does work for some, it didn't for us in the end. Through that experience, we learned our truths - we don't actually have desires to see anybody else romantically or sexually. But I think what we learned there as far as exploring our extramarital boundaries has contributed largely to the way we get along amidst my doing this work.

    It's funny, I also learned a lot about how to respect a cuddle from him. Since the beginning of our relationship, we have successfully separated cuddling from sex. Because of the hypersexuality which can often follow sexual abuse, this was harder for me to achieve for a long time. I was always the one pressing for more, and he'd be the one telling me he only wants to be held tonight, and was I okay with that? For a while it strained the relationship until I was able to understand that physical connection at its pinnacle is not sex. I thank him for being in my life for much of my growing years, and am grateful for the presence of his needs. If he were the opposite, I may not have learned how to respect the nonsexual aspect of intimacy in a partnership.

    Since basically the night I met Kev, I have always fallen asleep as big spoon and playing with his hair on his request. Sometimes the cat joins us at the foot of the bed, or sneaks her way into his arms at 2am. On the way to sleep we often switch big/little, and will shift to a few positions to find comfort. Our favourite positions usually involve our legs intertwined, hand-holding, back rubs, scalp massages or hair play... and when it gets too stuffy, we are totally fine having a back-to-back cuddle where we can just feel that little "spark" of connection between only the small of our backs. It's great and keeps the connection going. If you've got a spouse who cuddles, try it. You'll no longer resent rolling in the opposite direction to have some space.

    He's my #1 cuddle bug and one of my inspirations in doing this. Alright. I'm done being sappy.

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)

    @HarcoDude THIS. Great way of saying it. Thank you.

    “Communication is absolutely vital to making something like this works when people have different love languages and needs, but desire to build a life together.”

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)

    @Catloaf thanks for weighing in. If humans didn’t have such messed up ideas of intimacy/physical touch vs sex we’d be so much better off.

  • ILikeWarmHugsILikeWarmHugs

    @Catloaf wow! So super well-said. I appreciate your openness in sharing your perspective with us. Great topic, y’all!

  • [Deleted User]Wesk (deleted user)
    edited October 2019

    I applaud married couples who understand and get platonic cuddling. I would love to be able to platonic cuddle with the wives of my best friends. I know that I would be a much better person in the long run, and my friends and society would gain a better understanding of me.

    Unfortunately, sex sells and brings in millions of dollars. Eighty percent of the population doesn't have a clue what platonic, healthy touch, intimacy/physical touch is, all about and we all are dying because of it,

    Great thread, this site need more threads like this. I pray no one mind a single person shinning in

  • ILikeWarmHugsILikeWarmHugs

    Agreed @Wesk

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    I wouldn't cuddle my best friends wife. She's touched deprived and regarless of her narative that he doesn't care if we do, there could be some unspoken underlying hurt or jealousy if she developed feelings. At least now they know about CC. I would cuddle a married person though.

  • [Deleted User]Wesk (deleted user)
    edited October 2019

    @PeopleLikeUs, In my situation, I would make sure this wouldn't cause any underlying hurt or jealous. I have been friends with my best friends for thirty years. I am all about making things better, not worse.

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    Yes my SO would know and I would tell them before I even met with someone just for an initial coffee meetup. Communication and openess are very important to me as well as seeing how they are doing and what I could do to make things easier if there are any concerns.

  • [Deleted User]Mickey21 (deleted user)

    It was the whole reason I joined the site. My wife is aware and actually suggested it. Our forced time apart and the anxiety that was building in my life because I couldn't express my touchy feely self was a huge detriment to my ability to have a healthy mindset and cope with our time apart with no known end to our physical separation due to immigration waiting limbo. It has been critical to allowing me to express what was normal for our marriage for nearly 19 years. She isn't very touchy feely and hasn't had the need, but I on the other hand was struggling. This way, I can express something healthy and platonic, and be able to lead a more normal life while our family waits, and waits, and waits.

    Thank goodness for people out there that understand.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    Thank you all of the married/SO or single people for commenting. I am a single male that has dated a lot but very happy to hear about so many supportive spouses/SO. I can also understand the point of view with not discussing cuddling in a relationship, due to possible risks(jealously, drama and etc.). In a few of my past relationships I have been upfront about seeking affection from others, in the beginning. My girlfriends initially agreed. Once time went on they used the information against me, judged, guilt tripped and or questioned our relationship. These events did hurt much but I have no regrets about being upfront. I am single/dating and can do what I want without restrictions now. Thank you all for sharing.

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)

    @Mickey21 that tells me a lot about your relationship with your wife, and it's all good. Bless you and her for a happy ending to your situation. Your profile is great. Please feel free to message me anytime to chat if needed.

    @FishCuddles good for you for being upfront. Their issues are about their insecurities. I hope you can find someone who understands your need to cuddle. Maybe you can cuddle as a threesome?? I've heard some people do. btw, your profile is great too.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @2dogmom Thank you very much! Very true too!

  • ILikeWarmHugsILikeWarmHugs

    @2dogmom a cuddle trio would be awesome!

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle
    edited October 2019

    Without going into too much detail, I’ve had a couple of experiences with this. This can be problematic if you either have an SO and cuddle others as well, or you are cuddling someone who has an SO. For the former situation, I can’t say much except use your judgment. It may be unfair to your SO, or to your cuddle partner, or both. You may suddenly have a change of heart and decide that you can’t cuddle anyone other than your significant other. If you think that's likely to happen, don't do it as that can be quite harmful. So if you do have an SO and you cuddle someone else, be responsible. Don’t place anyone into a situation where they might be physically or emotionally harmed. If you have a cuddle partner who has a significant other, make sure they are not a game player. Make sure they are not playing you against their SO, or simply using you for momentary attention or to fill a void. Make sure they are actually sincere about wanting to have a cuddle relationship with you, and are not simply doing it on a whim only to drop you.

  • [Deleted User]2dogmom (deleted user)

    @ILikeWarmHugs only if I get to be the filling in the cuddle sandwich... lol 😂

    @MountainCuddles emotions got the best of me at first but I’ve learned the balance. While all people have selfish reasons for cuddling, I guess the question is do they have good intent.

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