Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Depression....

luv2cudl2luv2cudl2
in General

I'm a guy in late 30's who's been battling all 3 since high school. As of lately, it's only been the depression that I can't seem to get over. For those who've never a mental illness, the word "battling" might seem exaggerated. However, it truly is a battle and I'd never wish a panic attach on my worst enemy.

This isn't a joy to admit, but I've never been in a serious relationship. When people ask about it, I always give the truth and mention it being an easy achievement. When you consider the fear of being around other people throughout late teens and all of 20's, it's not that hard to fathom. Then depression comes in 30's, which isn't a trait that most find desirable when searching for a partner.

The reason for posting this discussion is to hear from those who've been on both sides of a cuddle session. For example, maybe you were/are depressed and found a cuddling experience beneficial.... On the other hand, maybe you're a pro-cuddler who's had clients (by the way is there a name in this industry for clients or customers?) with mental illness and could see it helping them.... Or you've possibly had a client with a fear of being in a relationship, due to never being in one :-) and the cuddling reduces that fear along with building self-esteem....

It's a broad topic but appreciate anything you have to say. Honestly, just to hear others talk about this topic is uplifting and makes one feel like they're not alone. Thank you in advance to those who contribute.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]cubbyblue1 (deleted user)

    The two best counselors that I can recommend is good ole Jack and Jim!!

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    Social anxiety, panic attacks, and depression seem to run in my family. Nothing like stepping out for a gallon of milk only to find that your amygdala seems to think the local grocery store's full of casually roaming apex predators.

    Which I suppose it is, humans being top of the food chain and all. But still.

    Cuddling with people's great for teaching that unreasoning part of your brain how often humans actually do horrible things to you when you hang out with them. Mostly, you know, they don't. The trick is dealing with the times that they do, 'cause some brains tend to print the bad memories on 5' x 3' glossies and hang them on the wall above the postage stamp collection of good memories.

    The trick is to count the number of good vs. bad memories, instead of falling back on which ones made the biggest impression. Then you go out and make more good memories—which sounds easy, but isn't really.

    Cuddling's a good way to build up good memories of human interaction, I think.

  • biancalovecraftbiancalovecraft

    Cuddling can definitely help. I'm hesitant to expound on it too much, because for some, intensive therapy and possibly medication, or group therapy with a highly skilled practitioner is more appropriate. Cuddling can be therapeutic, if you find the right partner. It can compliment your psychological and behavior therapy, or be used as an intervention when you feel yourself slipping. But I think it also has the potential to be disadvantageous if you end up with the wrong provider, especially if you're in, or on the verge of a crisis. Similar to talking with the wrong therapist when you're already in crisis.

    So I think it depends how deep in the pit you are, and if you have any sensitive and sincere providers around you, who you also happen to enjoy.
    I've seen people thrive from the simple application of a little love and affection in a safe, accepting, destigmatized environment, and been called a miracle worker, but I've also seen some who needed much more than that, and couldn't help but feel I left them worse than I found them. If you're symptoms are severe, you want to get them under control before you use cuddling therapeutically. Most of us aren't going to be equipped to deal with that.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited July 2019

    @biancalovecraft Great, entirely honest response about the therapeutic nature of the work. Love it. 👏 I'm still hesitant to call cuddling an overt type of therapy, because the majority of professional cuddlers for the most part are not licensed therapists with years of education in Psychology and the process under their belt. This industry is still new, and the day the standards are put in place is the day we'll be able to move toward the "therapy" direction. Till then, I always caution my clients with anxiety or depression that there is a chance that their "oxytocin high" may not carry them through the night. That if they aren't seeing anybody or getting help, that they should be doing that first. That isn't to say that you can't take courses and learn ways to hold that kind of space for someone, but I have seen some (mostly new) pros try to advertise their service as a therapy - talking about how this Buzzfeed article says that cuddling cures this, cuddling cures that... peddling the snake oil, really. And that's just false advertisement. I never promise anything to my client, but I'm honest about what I can and can't offer, and I let them know what they could expect if the session is successful.

    From one of my favourite articles on Cuddle Party:

    "This is not a cure for loneliness, but people feel better," Alkan [the facilitator] said during our final conversation. "This is not self-defense ... but people get their agency in saying what they want. This is not therapy, but people learn to ask for what they want and find their true selves."

  • taraslothtarasloth

    I also have dealt with all three issues and it is a battle. The fact that you are here and that you started this thread are both good things. Mental health issues can be so crippling, i think it is important to celebrate every victory, which each of these things are.

    I personally had to go back on medication for my issues as they had gotten deep enough that I could not work it out on my own. I also went back into therapy which has helped immensely. It is important to find the right therapist, i went through 3 to find mine.

    As far as my experience as a pro, I have a couple of clients who see me to help with their mental health. They report that they sleep better after a session, that their mood is better, that they feel more self assured. I think it comes down to having a truly safe and judgement free zone, along the line of what @DarrenWalker said. The impact of a cuddle for me, is that I get to care for another person during the session and remove myself from my own issues for a time.

    A relationship will come when you are ready. Do not allow a conventional timeline to add pressure to you. One thing at a time, ya know?

    You are not alone. You will find a way, do not give up.

  • BrianLBrianL

    While I've not cuddled anyone from here, I have found that cuddling (even a cat) tends to help ease my depression, or at least calms me down and centers me.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @BrianL Cats are probably one of nature's best antidepressants! And such intuitive creatures, too. They seem to just know when you need them. @luv2cudl2 if you're able, consider getting a cat, or spend time with them at a shelter. Watch your mood and your life improve drastically. :)

  • BrianLBrianL

    @Catloaf We have 3 cats here. I don't belong to any of them, but I still love on them as much as possible.

  • triskeletriskele

    I've helped someone who came from a very repressed Catholic background, who wasn't comfortable around any sort of physical contact, but was wanting to get other that and get into a relationship. They eventually stopped seeing me because they had become comfortable with physical contact to the point that they were able to go out on dates, and find a partner! Definitely miss them, but glad that they did so well.

  • Bob72Bob72

    Just my 2 cents in this thread but if you do have any of those 3 problems how would this site be any help if no local women ever respond back?

  • taraslothtarasloth

    Hi @Bob72 i notice you have not been on the site for terribly long, so do not give up on a response yet. Women can get a lot of messages here and can take some time to respond. I would also say that just becoming part of a community can help with some of these issues, at least it is a start.

    If i may make a suggestion? You might increase the likelihood of a response if you fill out your profile information, tell the community a bit more about yourself.

    Best of luck!

  • luv2cudl2luv2cudl2

    @Bob72 By "local women" are you referring to both pros and non-pros? I'd be kind of surprised if pros didn't reply back to you. Based on your answer to this, I'll share my thoughts.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited July 2019

    I personally feel it is a dangerous and irresponsible assertion to make claims that cuddling will cure ailments and maladies, whether it be physical or mental. i am not saying anybody on this thread is saying this, but i have seen folks on this site make claims that it does. Sure it can make someone feel a certain way for at least a short period of time, however it is short acting and certainly does not cure anything. Cuddling is great and try to do it as often as you can, however if you have a true mental illness, disorder, or physical ailment, seek appropriate treatment and care. Don't let somebody try to convince you that all you need is a hug. It does help and you will feel better in that moment more likely than not, but it will not fix you .

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    Love @biancalovecraft @Catloaf and @tarasloth responses =)

    I am a professional and fill a lot of your queries. I have experienced the benefit of receiving cuddles (from other professionals, at cuddle parties, etc) for my own mental health and have also seen the benefit from others receiving cuddles from me as clients. It is to be noted that a professional cuddler does not replace a therapist. Professional cuddling sessions are GREAT to receive in conjunction with talk therapy. I will even work in triad with a therapist to better someone's therapeutic benefits from both sides. I have definitely had clients who have never been in a relationship before, including those who have experienced abuse of some kind, which creates a wall for new relationships. Professional cuddling sessions (with a LEGITIMATE TRAINED PROFESSIONAL) can be a great opportunity for people with fear around touch to get more comfortable in a safe environment with boundaries and a focus on consent. It can also help increase self-esteem. Bi-weekly sessions are the best bet for these situations though. With a professional interested in working with you on your goals so that the sessions can help you grow to the point of being able to have fewer sessions over time as you gain confidence and comfort.

  • [Deleted User]NCCUDDLES (deleted user)

    I agree that cuddling can assist with anxiety. I've had many people with PTSD from the military that have become loyal clients. Simple unbiased human contact can somtimes be a lifesaver

  • [Deleted User]Bles (deleted user)

    Cuddling can never fix or cure depressive episodes. But they can sure give you a lift in the moment. Each little lift builds on each moment. In combination with the right therapy and clinical treatment can be quite effective over a period of time.

  • calihiker90calihiker90

    Effexor XR in the morning and red wine in the evening. Gotta space it out.

  • SpartanGuySpartanGuy

    I hope those recommending alcohol aren't serious. Alcohol is a depressant and the wrong way to "treat" depression.

    If its mild, activity, sunshine and DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE can help. Seriously debilitating depression calls for professional help by an MD.

  • Parad0xParad0x

    I am also in my late 30s, have battled social anxiety and depression all my life, and have had only one serious relationship. Before joining this community I had slipped into a sort of rut of depression, where I shambled through my daily life without any sense of having anything to live for. I had nearly lost hope of ever being happy. But then I met with a professional cuddler, and after a few sessions with her I noticed a change. I felt hope returning, a sense that I could still find joy in life. It wasn't a cure, but it was enough to make me want to fix my life. I've sought out a new psychiatrist and returned to therapy, and for the first time in years have hope that I can still find happiness in life. Regular cuddle sessions help keep my spirits high. It isn't a cure, or enough by itself, but it has definitely helped me. It also helps to read this forum, and remember that I'm not alone.

  • [Deleted User]Ineedcuddles55 (deleted user)

    I know from my own experience that cuddling is what brings me peace.

    Since my divorce, I have tried relationships which failed- I tried the one night stands- they failed. What I have been truly searching for my entire life is the touch and touching connection with others. I come from a violent family background and touching, hugging, kissing was just not done in our house. It was a sign of weakness and was non-verbally discouraged. Hence, fast forward 25 years and I am in NYC and well, working and living in New York, you are next to invisible to everyone. But, the only saving grace is that I lived in an Italian neighborhood where the standard greeting was a hug and kiss on the check, all very European. It took some time getting used to for me. After my divorce, I wanted closeness, hugs and such, but all anyone wanted was sex. I just wanted to be held. Nobody seemed to understand that. It got so bad at one point that I just finally shut down and stopped dating.

    I went through a severe depression for several years that I fought every day to not take my own life. The isolation, the loneliness, the self imprisonment is not healthy. I knew this on an intellectual level, but could not bring myself to allow touch. (Whether it was fear or simply not really understanding how the touch thing worked.) Then, after an injury and a massive weight gain, I felt totally unlovable and undeserving. Still do. I have been trying hard to change this mind set.

    After losing everything, my home, my job, I ended up in a doggy daycare where the dogs saved my life. But, I still have issues with being open and vulnerable with others. I work with all women, yet we do not touch. It being a job, touching is not allowed. Hugging is not done. so again, the very thing I need emotionally to survive is what I have to withhold.

    Which, after watching a video and learning about this community, is why I am here. I need human contact. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I truly am seeking the warmth, the contact and the being close or next to another human being. I don't want the sex, I don't the sex. I need the closeness of touch, which took me 55 years to admit I needed and, really what I have been searching for my whole life.

    My mom and dad were not touchers. My 4 brothers were not touchers. the words I love you were very rarely said. Yet, in my very soul I knew that it was what I needed then, and what I need now. Sorry for the post being so long.

  • SpartanGuySpartanGuy

    @Ineedcuddles55

    You've already accomplished two difficult things. You understand why you followed an unhealthy script. Basically the way you were raised and the models you had.
    Next, you've formulated an appropriate end goal. You need a new script, or mindset, as you said. You need to keep reinforcing the steps you're taking toward success. I'm betting you can do it.

  • [Deleted User]Bles (deleted user)
    edited October 2019

    Having lived through depression and social anxiety I can truly say it's a constant work in progress. I have learned to be my very own vbest friend. I have learned to make self talk my constant companion. I haven't had any friends for over 20 years. I've had periods of celibacy lasting over 5 years. And I have grown to enjoy being alone. I take people as they come. I have no expectations of anyone. I have come to avoid friendships because I believe they hinder and hurt as much as they help. So even when I'm feeling low or down I rely mostly on myself. I only call on folks when it totally overwhelms me. And even then I'm only testing them. I want to see how they respond. That speaks to their character. I put a high value on being self sufficient. I hate appearing needy to people. Hate it. So I do my best to create my own space of comfort. And that has worked to help manage my social anxiety. These days I don't get depressed. I may get low because of certain situations but I never get down like I did 20 years ago. And I credit it to my working on me. In cognitive behavioral therapy, l learnt about changing mindset. I change the way I look at something or someone and the whole picture changes. I've used that approach in every area of my life. I also believe in owning my choices. That gives me accountability to and for myself. I don't rely on anyone or anything to give me validation or value as a human being. Sure I seek company and enjoy a good conversation. But I don't suffer. If I don't have it. Every experience in my life is a teacher that I use as my guide to learn and grow. I may hate and beat on myself today but tomorrow I will lift myself up with a counted blessing or two and see the silver lining and keep it going.Doors are always closing and opening. Not at the same time or place. But they are. And when they do something is going to happen.

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