So your emotional state is something you should take care of yourself. That way you can never be deprived and easily notice when you meet an energy vampire which allows you to act accordingly. Learn that. Become a master at being alone and enjoying your life without influence of others. Instead of checking up with that “friend” who ignores you most of the time, go and explore yourself. Try new things even if you have always felt that it was not for you. I always hated to read. I bought a book and committed myself to reading it. I discovered that I do like reading as long as I find it interesting. Don’t assume if you are going to an activity it or not. Do it and then reflect. Just promise me that you will not do anything illegal, dangerous, stupid etc. That will not resolve your issues.
You can also take a different approach when communicating with people. You should still be communicating with other people. Do not shut everyone out completely. That is not the goal here. When someone is talking to you, don’t be rash abrasive or rude but don’t focus too much energy or be overly eager for a friendship either. Just let the wind blow. It is a nice different approach. It allows other people to come to you and you do not have to reach out which is great when you feel that you have spend too much energy on approaching others. Put yourself in the “reciprocating-chair” for a little while. Let others come to you. If it does not result in a friendship over time its okay, because you are now exploring yourself and learning how to be alone. Having said that, you can still take the initiative with other people. This just allows you to have a break if you feel emotionally deprived.
Now I am not telling you to completely cut ties with others and remain cynical and indifferent to them for the rest of your life. The good one are definitely out there and you will notice them if you just stop focusing your attention on the wrong people. Like I said before. It is about those 2 or 3 people you want to connect with, not the negative bunch.
For those who experience deep emotional pain and are having trouble with processing I recommend the following. You can always talk to somebody who really listens but sadly those kind of people are not always available. I think this is a great alternative. Sit yourself down and grab a notebook and a pen. Write down all the experiences which have caused you pain. Why it has hurt you, who was involved, the consequences etc. Sort it all out. Now make agreements with yourself. Agreements which will keep you from getting into the same situation again for example “ I have been treated badly by ……….… because of ………… This has led to ………….. but I have decided to never…………………. again. That way ……………. will not happen again. I am aware that this has been a painful experience for me but I am also aware that I have to take action and consciously take steps every day to not let this restrict me for living the life that I want and deserve any longer.” Try not to get stuck at the why’s and what ifs. Whats done is done and what happened , has happened. Don’t try to fill in the blanks either just try to work through it. It is okay to cry because you get sad or shout because you are angry. This is part of the processing. Just make sure that you shout at an appropriate time when nobody is around or that they know you are processing. The notebook allows you to learn from your experiences and gives you insight on your perspective on past situations over time. You can see if your are evolving or falling back into old patterns. The notebook can also be used to write down experiences on a daily basis and how you react to them and if you would like to react differently next time and so forth.
It is not easy but keep walking and you will get there. I have made a long way in less than a year. I know you can do it too. Don’t think that the phases of being alone or feeling lonely will last forever. They will not. Especially if you rebuild yourself and continue to give people who are worth your time a chance.
Now at 20 years old (my current age) I am happy with my life even though I do not have the many friends I always wanted. I do have about 8 contacts who are worth my time every now and then but they do not meet my emotional needs completely. But that is the whole point. They shouldn’t. I should myself. I am responsible for my own emotional state and will not let others have a lasting negative impact on me. Don’t let life hang on the (words, actions and behaviors of) others. I enjoy exploring myself and spending time with the things I like and find worthwhile and it is great that I can enjoy those things myself.
Don’t have a great day. Make your day great!
As I said above, This is a long post. I thank you if you read it fully. Send me a private message if you have questions or want some insight on your personal situation.
@BroBear~ Thank you! ...and yes, I've copied and pasted it into my document! lol For safe keeping, of course!
Imajen
I wouldn’t consider myself an energy vampire- but in the past, at times, I’ve definitely been guilty of throwing allll my problems at my friends, like it’s the of the world, and offering no reciprocation.
Then finally someone told me what I was doing! I was literally so caught up in my own little world, it didn’t dawn on me what a selfish, draining, pain in the ass I was being. Once someone just told me, I was like, Wow, I AM doing that.
I was able to look back and see that it wasn’t only that friend, and that conversation where I acted that way. I did it ALL the time. I was SO embarrassed at the way I had been acting and felt so guilty about how self absorbed I was & what a bad friend I had been to everyone. I was finally understanding why my friends had started distancing themselves from me, and why I had such a hard time making new ones.
Since I was “enlightened” several years ago, I’ve been working hard to stay conscious of how much complaining I do, and to make sure I always support my friends the way I want to be supported. I started seeing a therapist who I can pay to listen to my shit every week. And I’ve been able to draw that line now, between therapist and friend. Because it’s an important one.
In my opinion, the best way to deal with “energy vampires” or people acting the way I did, would first be to let them know what they’re doing! If they’re not aware, they have the opportunity to change their behavior and salvage your friendship. If they continue to drain you after you make them aware of it, I’d just start distancing yourself. You have no obligation to stick around someone that makes you feel bad. If y’all are close, maybe suggesting a therapist or helping them find one would be nice. It’s shitty to leave someone when they’re down... but if they’re always down, and everyday they have a new disaster I don’t think there’s much you can do besides tell them how their actions effect you and your relationship, and guide them to professional help. After than you just gotta take care of your own health and sanity. Period.
You are very likely an HSP and an empath Empaths often attract people who want their help, not their love. Its crushing but actually for the best because they arent evolved enough to meet your needs This explains it better:
@saramajara~~~ Ouch. Wow. Bald Self-Honesty is ALWAYS a sight to behold. Thanks for the advice--- I guess I'd gotten so "fed up" with the lack of reciprocity, that it didn't occur to me to simply TELL THEM that they were taking more than they were giving. In all honesty, I feel like I've allowed it to get to a critical level---not sure that I'm willing, any longer, to work at keeping any of the relationships that have habitually drained me dry. I am grateful to have this idea going forward, though. I'll be careful to "sound the alarm" when I'm feeling "used," before I get to the place of ejecting people from my experience. Thanks for this!
@Zeebie~ I don't get to view the videos because they "eat up" my limited data plan. However, your point about Empaths really hit home. I suspect that my fella IS one---and me and my TIGGER ENERGY probably just gets on his nerves! lol I was raised under what I suspect was a Narcissistic influence, and was "taught" that my needs just weren't important enough to be met. If that's what you grow up in, you silently assume that that's "normal." I feel like I'm being led (through the wise counsel of some of the coolest people I've ever "met") to change the "story" I tell myself, to tell a different one, where it's OKAY TO HAVE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO VALUE ME ENOUGH TO RECIPROCATE MY TENDER CARING AND SUPPORT. That, to me, is what's important for me to learn at this late date in my life. Thanks, though, for reminding me about Empaths...now, I guess I'll go HARASS my HSP Fella, and make him run me off...again! lol
@ImajenMoon ~ I'm a bit late to this but I didn't see my way of dealing with this sort of issue being offered (my apologies if someone did and I missed it)...
Something that has really helped me in dealing with those who were constantly taking and not giving... Was letting them know I need to understand what they're trying to get from me, so I'd know if I was able to truly be present for them in that moment, or if we needed to try scheduling time.
Sincerely asking them: What are you needing from me right now? To listen? Offer suggestions? Express how I relate to your issue(s)? Are you hoping I'll help you come to some resolution you don't think you can find on your own or without my help? Or something else?
And how much time are you expecting this will take?
It can be awkward as all get out (at first) but it gets easier!
With the people I'm closest too, it's a reminder that I'm there for them and I want to be helpful in a way that meets their needs. I've also explained they're my test subjects for how to deal with those that are a scourge on my resources (a win:win convo).
Those who I'm not yet close to may be taken aback by it but, if someone is going to be friends with me, they'll quickly learn I'm not the most conventional person and they either like it and want more of it, or they don't and move on. Either is fine. I have my core people and I'm happy to add more, or not.
Overall it has served me well as I'm approached far less often by those "in crisis". And primarily only by those who I know would be there for me if the situation were reversed (and they usually text first to see if it's a good time for unloading! ♡) It's great! I'm not being drained on a weekly basis (near daily at work) and have more that I can put into those who I matter to and who matter to me most.
Note: With those who we're incredibly problematic, I'd follow up my initial questioning with: Okay, you go first, then it's my turn okay?
Ultimately those who we're just using me are either beginning to respect my time, or just don't want their neediness reflected back at them every time they start complaining (also a win).
Also, because I work with kids I'm constantly being presented with opportunities to help them navigate what can be so complicated for adults ~ Being respectful of one another and taking turns.
Although I do present a different set of questions to them, and I mostly get a lot of "tattling" (my favorite btw - for real I love when kids tattle!) it's a great way to practice asking those clarifying questions.
With the kids I'll typically ask first if it's an emergency followed by: Are you telling me just so I'll know? (there have been quite a few times they're just looking for kudos for solving something on their own - so proud!) Are you telling me because you want an adult to help you solve a problem? (I don't ask, "Are you just telling me so someone gets in trouble?" That would be assuming a negative reasoning for their coming to me, and I don't want them to feel bad for asking for help). Help me understand, what happened (first, next, then)? What have you tried already to solve the problem? Do you still want my help?
And then we go work on some basic problem solving dialog with the others involved. Typically things boil down to someone not respecting how another might feel, or a boundary was crossed or someone didn't get consent. Rarely is anyone "in trouble", it takes less than 3 minutes to sort things out and play resumes.
I love it because I'm able to show them an adult cares and values their need for guidance, that they can speak up about the "little" things (which for them are big in that moment) and they'll be taken seriously (foundational if you expect them to talk about the real "BIG" things later on).
It's one of the many things I'm missing from school being closed... 😭 It will have been a minimum of 9 months before I see them in person again (we'll be back online in a few weeks though.💓)
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I have to confess, I can see why people would be drawn to you for your counsel ~ You're thoughtful, insightful, have a great sense of humor and a spirit that is so strong it comes through in wave after wave in your forum comments and posts. You're one of the nicest and most charming people on CC ♡ I can only imagine how wonderful you must be in person and to have as a friend.
Honestly, if I had your number, I'd probably want to use it too ~ But in a nice reciprocal sort of way! 😘
Anyway ~ I hope the adulting portion of this is at least somewhat helpful... And sorry it got sooooo long! (my editor is on hiatus)
Empath ~ Energy vampires need not message. (😊🧛♂️🚫📲) <- Used to be on my profile.
@pmvines ~ OMG! Rofl! I used to work with that guy! Not that actual guy - But that character - Lol!
What a nightmare! Seriously, there were meetings I couldn't take it anymore and would start cracking up. I'd have to look at my phone so people thought I had text, or would have to leave the room to go compose myself (no joke - there were times I'd come back and he was still going...)
Ugh!!! 🥴
it's a little upsetting because looking back now, I'm pretty sure, that at some point(s) in time, I've been that guy too... 💁♀️🤦♀️🤷♀️🙇♀️ ... I'm my own nightmare!
@quixotic_life ~ Now, THAT was AN EDUCATION!! Thank you!!! LOVED the Spoilers!!!!!
I take my time assessing whether someone is a peer or they don't have a reciprocal capacity. Generally you can kind of tell in the first time together if the person is curious about you or if they're just all about filling up the space with their own world. In that case, I just don't call them back and if they call me I might say, thank you so much but I don't feel called to take this friendship further. I wish you well.
I think as we act like we are a valuable feast worthy of peer relationships (by saying no to anything but that), we start to attract them more.
Perhaps a useful test would be to ask a small and unimportant favour, just to check them out.
@littermate ~ Did you know (of course not! lol) that your insightful, fun, wise posts were one of the reasons I decided to join this forum??? When you went M.I.A., I felt a personal sense of loss. I, among many others, am glad to see you posting, once more!
@geoff1000 ~ With my Army Sergeant private message technique, I'd be AFRAID to ask for ANY TYPE of favour! (Love the proper English spelling! lol) I keep scaring them off! hahaha! Dang it! Latest understanding: Having experienced a narcissistic environment, as a child, I believe I was TRAINED to offer my veins, eyes, spleen, and any other organ/resource to the fulfillment of the needs of others. It's taken this long for me to realize that, as a Shimmering, Living Reflection of the All, that each of us is WORTHY of having our needs met... That's been a mind-blowing insight for me!!! I know... Sometimes, I show up late to the party! lol
"Reciprocal capacity". Damn. That is DEFINITELY getting inducted into my Soul's Lexicon!!!! I'm also learning that there just might be people who exist, on this planet, who might enjoy sharing love, laughter, tenderness, and connection with me...just because! WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I'M HAPPY TO FIND THIS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @quixotic_life, may I borrow your fan???? Whew, Chile! lol
@ImajenMoon ~ Why certainly sugar! 😘
But only for a minute ~ Cause I reckon I'm prob'bly gonna need it a few more times in the very near future. As you know from my last travel update, there's still a bit of this long, hot, dusty road I have yet to travel before I finally reach the Oasis... 🤣😂🤣 ~ Lol
@ImajenMoon Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.