What's something you wish you didn't have to insist on with a cuddle buddy?

misternatureboymisternatureboy
in General

One would assume that good hygiene is a given, but some people will surprise you with their pungent lack of self-awareness.

I'm big on reciprocity. Give as much (or more) as you receive. I'm very tactile and love cuddling, caressing, et cetera. But when I begin to notice that my cuddle buddy isn't putting in as much effort--just lying there, sometimes even telling me what to do--it rubs me the wrong way. I'm a great cuddler, but I'm not a pro. I won't put up with one-sided cuddling.

Comments

  • pmvinespmvines

    In response to your post , not everyone likes the same style of cuddling and sometimes it's a comfort issue. May wanna hash that stuff out ahead of time to see if it is a good fit. some people dont like a lot of movement etc

  • misternatureboymisternatureboy
    edited October 2020

    @pmvines Of course there's a vetting process. That's the purpose of my post--to familiarize others to different preferences.

  • LoveistheCureHSLoveistheCureHS

    Well for me when it comes to guys NO SEX that kind of funny business of course. There were some individuals on this site that were stupid enough to break the rules they ended up getting banned of course.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @misternatureboy ah gotcha I misunderstood

  • DesignergirlDesignergirl

    OP...no. You are are probably much larger than your buddy, you do not get to drive.

  • misternatureboymisternatureboy

    @LoveistheCureHS Yes, that's an important one. It's clearly stated as a rule here, but some people need more reminders, apparently.

    This reminds me of why I like it when people are clear about what they want from the start. Some people will claim one thing but will send out--unintentionally or otherwise--conflicting non-verbal suggestions. One of my favorite cuddle buddies had the words NO SEX tattooed on their forehead. With no hidden agenda, we were free to relax and focus on cuddling.

    Okay, so maybe I made up the tattoo.

    @pmvines It's all good, brother.

    @Designergirl I'm not sure if you're being facetious. In case you aren't, for the record, I am well aware of the importance of consent and wouldn't be comfortable forcing anyone to do what they don't want to do. I'm pretty empathetic and can read people well. If my CB isn't comfortable, I'll detect it and won't be comfortable, too. This is where clear communication once again proves invaluable.

  • BrianLBrianL

    A cuddle buddy.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @misternatureboy ~ How fun! This got me to thinking about what I thought I wanted, to what I ended up wanting and then to wondering if any of those wants may have been situationally/CB dependant and might further shift with each new someone or situation... and how to go about expressing any of it if/when they do?

    Also, I think it's fascinating that you don't want to be told what to do. Is it because they came across like they were giving you orders? Were they just making too many requests? Or was it more of a statement of their preferences and it just felt like they weren't valuing what you had been doing? Or was it something else? I'm just wondering to what degree you felt like you were being told what to do and it didn't sit well.

    Sorry this all got crazy long...!

    Depending on how delivered/recieved, I feel like someone telling one what to do in a cuddle should be celebrated! Giving one's consent, exploring their self-awareness and desires, and then communicating that in an intimate setting, is a huge undertaking for some.

    I can see how it might unfold in a messy, "I think I know what I want but don't know how to get it" sort of way though. But ultimately, I think it says, "I trust you enough to not just tell you how I like being touched but to help you get it just right for me." It shows they see you as one who is capable of meeting and satisfying those desires and perhaps will help them better access a state of being able to fully relax into it and go with the flow...

    By not communicating what one wants in the moment we're saying, "Everything about what you're doing is fantastic and I wouldn't change a thing!" But best to check in, because that may or may not be the case. Some people just aren't able to voice themselves without prompting (and even then many still aren't).

    For myself to feel comfortable, I've found myself wanting direction and input for a number of reasons...

    This person is new to me
    Our time together is limited so, "exploring" or "just figuring things out as we go" doesn't feel like the best way to go
    I want to know I'm doing something they want me to
    That I'm not crossing any lines/boundaries
    What I'm doing feels good to them, but if I just ____ it would feel great
    They've had heaps more experience and maybe there's something they knew they liked but it hadn't occurred to me to do it
    Or...?
    The list could go on for days...

    What a gift to have someone who will do more of this, no more of that, try this thing I read in a forum somewhere, etc! And is willing to open themselves up to give an indication of what they want too. Both parties being able to do that is a win:win to me.

    So, yeah, more info on your perceptions around this would be great to hear!

  • [Deleted User]Bles (deleted user)

    Self awareness that includes being transparent about when and how to communicate.

    Wanting to communicate with specific precision is not about wanting or expecting anything exclusive. It's just about showing mutual respect for each other's time and life schedules. It is just about reciprocation of mutually discussed interests and boundaries when interacting with each other.

    And I truly wish more people would appreciate that showing human care does not take away from your time nor human personal space. It just opens up a neutral space in and through which to navigate different time zones and lifestyle routines. And having a conversation that addresses that just gives both parties a chance at the getgo to decide solidly whether or not they're a good fit. That's all.

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall
    1. Please have the space at a comfortable temperature not below freezing and not sweltering
    2. Please have clean comfortable clothes either on or available to change into
    3. Don’t smoke anything right before our session
  • [Deleted User]PATSchick (deleted user)

    Thank you all for such candid remarks it helps. I am taking notes. :)

    I too would think that being recently showered is a given. That communication in advance to certain scent or odors would be beneficial.

    If you are hosting in your home and spooning in bed has been discussed, that the bedding is also freshly cleaned.

    Yes don't smoke anything before a session or eat anything that may cause an unpleasant scent occurrence.

  • brennan2017brennan2017

    bles : so if you've got any challenges with communicating (ND in any way) this is not going to be something that you should ever do.. because it means you're not self aware? maybe instread partners should be ASKiNG before doing anything.. instead of just assuming that if they're not saying no to something it's ok. or if they're not askingf or anything it means they dont want anything. those two assumptions are not the fault of person who has challenges with communicating.

    i do.. i have some significant challenges with communicating wants and needs.. both due to ND as well as significant trauma in my history. and i still NEED physical contact need physical touch. but with what you're saying here i need to wait until i am capable of communicating before i ever get into any situation where touch is involved.. this would mean i get to go the rest of my life without ever being touched again.. hate to break it to you, but touch starvation is a thing.. as is skin hunger - and i have lived with a skin hunger for as long as i can remember - skin hunger can override.. leading to greater inability to express wants/needs or to be able to say no. so a partner who will ASK, will help avoid the override as it brings the brains focus back to the front instead of drowning in touch that iis so needed skin feels like it's crawling without being touched.. mental illness is exacerbated by lack of touch.. the brain can starve without touch. it was discovered that especially infants do die without being touched or held.

    so i respectfully disagree.. when it comes to consent and boundaries, i i can certainly say that any CB i have who doesnt ASK before applying or attempting touch they want to give, but assuming its okay because i havent stated otherwise, won't be coming back. communication challenges DO NOT mean lack of self awareness. there may be other factors involved.

    loveisthecure: i woud agree.. far too many people, usually men in my experience, seem to think that consent for sensual contact like cuddling automatically means consent for sex, or more intimate touch. regardless boundaries.

    what i am learning from this is that i will need to type out, and print - in LARGE font all boundaries for any cuddling session as well as sending a copy beforehand requiring a reading and signature. to ensure that due to my challenges with verbalizing these things i am protected because few if any will be bothered to ASK my consent. the demand is that i tell them, not that they be required to ask.

    please forgive any challenging tone or confrontational tone that may be in this reply. - herein we see my challenges with communication demonstrated.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @brennan2017 ~ What does ND stand for?

    I think I've understood your post comments, but may not have (I have some weird processing issues that sometimes get in the way) but even if misunderstood, I think it's worth sharing the following with whomever it may benefif...

    When I was first wrapping my head around cuddling, (allowing touch and touching and it being re-framed as something that could be platonic), I asked so many questions of my intended CB and needed clarification about so many of my thoughts and concerns, I kept thinking, "Must you be so high maintenence about this?! For sure this guy is going go think you're mentally unhinged and is going to back out."

    But nope! He took the time to answer all my questions, checked in repeatedly to clarify my boundaries, helped me feel this is all normal and really put my mind at ease. I was honestly shocked at how easy and comfortable snuggling up to him was when we finally met in person!

    We continued to check in here and there throughout and it was beyond the perfect first time experience I could have hoped for here, and has been helpful with setting myself up for success with others.

    I'm telling you all this to say, the right people for each of us to cuddle with, who will be a good fit, are out there. I think communication beforehand is highly important (especially for those of us with traumatic histories) and to share your worries and concerns honestly. Some might be put off by that, but that just means they're not a good fit. Try, try again.

    Ultimately, as nutty as it felt, asking him all kinds of "What if" questions, some of which in hindsight were just clear indicators of my varied neurosis but felt necessary to ask (but actually weren't), were really helpful - In that from the very beginning, I knew I could just be myself (however that might be) and would be accepted with open arms and held no matter what might come up...
    I truly wish that for everyone for every cuddle!! 🤗

    PS ~ Remember to laugh ~ My whole CC experience (though short compared to many here) has been a mess of highs and lows. But thankfully I have kept my sense of humor and can laugh off most of the ways I tend to initially see myself stumbling through (in time anyway). 💓

  • [Deleted User]PATSchick (deleted user)

    I'm glad you asked @quixotic_life what ND stands for because I googled and came up with No Drugs...

  • mtpmtp

    I think ND is short for "neurodivergent"?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    No definition
    Notre Dame
    No d*%k
    No Duh
    No Drama
    No Dessert
    No Dracula (always uttered before the neck puncture)
    Never Done
    Need Drugs
    Etc

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Needless detail
    Need detail
    Nose dive
    Nose deviated
    Nose Dingleberries
    No Door
    Need Door
    Need Directions
    Needless Directions
    North Dakota
    Nasal Drip
    Naked Dude
    Naked Donut (no frosting)
    Nauseatingly Dumb
    Noodle Doodle (don’t ask)
    Nut Descending
    Etc

  • [Deleted User]PATSchick (deleted user)

    Thank you @mtp and @FunCartel I came up with the list you posted but when in doubt I look up Urban dictionary as well.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @PATSchick ND (No Doubt)

  • herby357herby357
    edited October 2020

    ND

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    ND = Notre Dame

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    I was also thinking "neurodivergent"

    But, OMG @FunCartel!! I read "No Door" and instantly thought "No Doy!"

    So my immature self will be saying (in an exasperated valley girl pre-teen, full of snark fashion), "No door!" for the next few days! ~ lol

  • SAHMof2SAHMof2

    My guess would be ND is no distractions.

  • cuddlerforu24cuddlerforu24

    How about No Dog ? Yeah I would like to know the cuddlers dog before I come over to cuddle how big what breed how stinky how sniffy how socialized

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    No Delay
    No Decision
    No Dawg
    Never Die
    Northern Devils
    New Delhi
    Numerous Delays
    Needle D@*k
    No Dollars
    Numerous Dollars
    November Days
    November Dinners
    November Doldrums
    Nasty Diapers
    Nasty Dudes
    Nasty Dives
    Neverending Diarrhea

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @misternatureboy Awesome forum discussion. I have heard from many female pros about some men having bad hygiene and it blows my mind. I thought it was common sense to take a shower, brush your teeth and wear clean clothes in preparation to a cuddle session. My hygiene cuddle pet peeve is someone that smells like smoke, during cuddle sessions. I know that smoking calms many people down but I don’t smoke 🚭 or like the smell. I also have a positive energy boundary. If the cuddler speaks negative often, is disrespectful or insulting, then no future cuddling, with people like that.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @FishCuddles I'd also think those are common sense things. And I don't smoke either, and I can't stand being around cigarette smoke.

  • [Deleted User]Bles (deleted user)

    @brennan2017 It sounds like you feel highly insulted by my point in self awareness as a factor in the cuddle experience. And you perceived my viewing of being self aware when cuddling as a requisite that excludes those struggling with touch deprivation and past trauma. Is that right?

    To be clear self awareness is simply having an understanding of oneself as far as what one feels, needs and wants always within the context of one's own past and current circumstances. And by describing your touch needs and past trauma you have shown that you are very self aware. That you are aware of how those things you've experienced impact your need to cuddle. To take that self awareness even further, I was also trying to make the point that it is also important to understand how our own past issues and current needs impact and or affect the other person we're choosing to cuddle with. Just to be aware. That's all. However that plays out is between two people.

    So having touch deprivation and past trauma issues does not exclude anyone from cuddling. Rather some level of awareness of self as far as those concerns go and how they affect you and others is helpful when interacting with others.

    Also to be clear when I say that I don't need physical touch I'm not discounting it as a real experience for anyone. It is. I'm just saying that touch deprivation for some people like myself is not integumentary or skin. It is somatic. It is emotional. And that is also a real experience for some people.

    Touch deprivation exists in many different forms. Humans are complex beings. The lack of physical contact is but one of many types of documented descriptions of touch deprivation. It never hurts for us to acknowledge that.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @Bles ~ This really resonates...
    "... that touch deprivation for some people like myself is not integumentary or skin. It is somatic. It is emotional. And that is also a real experience for some people."

    I had no real awareness of this until jumping into the deep end here this last summer and appreciate the way you've articulated it above.

    I'm also stoked on the (new to me) word, "integumentary"!
    // of or relating to an enveloping or external layer or covering (as of skin, hair, scales, feathers, or cuticle) of an organism or one of its parts // the integumentary system

Sign In or Register to comment.