I need help, where are the boundaries in a monogamous relationship?

DonLonGDonLonG
in General

I need help with a problem and I need an answer by tonight. Sorry I don't have the time to put my usual finesse on one of these posts but I'm typing this out literally as I'm walking out the door for work. Hopefully I'll have time to go into details and expand on this later.

My cuddle partner who I've been seeing for 6 weeks told me this morning that she's not getting all of her needs met. What we have been doing has been amazing, but it has been a little much for me as it has been taking a huge chunk of my life. We have been cuddling overnight six to seven times a week. Every free moment I have outside of work has been spending with her.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time for other things in my life. When I tried to talk to her about taking a few days off a week from cuddling, she isn’t getting her needs met and actually wanted to spend more time cuddling. I told her that she might need to supplement with another person if she needs more because I actually might need a little less cuddle time (Something completely unfathomable to me two months ago).

She was offended and responded that she could not do that with another person because she would consider that cheating. Then she realized we never actually had a talk about being monogamous. She asked me if I plan to be monogamous with her and made it clear this would be upsetting to her if I wasn’t. She asked this right as she was leaving out the door being late for work so I wasn't able to give her an answer right away. But she's expecting one tonight.

Although I haven't been seeing anyone else since we started snuggling, I don't actually know what being monogamous in a cuddle relationship is. Like I have several people in this community who I promised to snuggle with if we ever were in the same town together that I made before I met her.

I realize ultimately I have to talk out exactly what the definition is, but I was hoping to get some input from you guys so I know what questions to ask and what different boundaries are. Like I had a relationship with a woman once who considered me talking to a female coworker outside of work as cheating and she needed to be there if that ever happened or have the phone on speakerphone if I was talking to any woman other than my mom. That seemed a bit extreme to me.

Where do you guys draw the line on “cheating” in a cuddle relationship so I know what questions to ask? I'll be able to check on responses periodically during small breaks at work but I'm not going to be able to answer any questions immediately or possibly until tomorrow. But I appreciate your input. Thanks guys

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Comments

  • SFsnugglesSFsnuggles

    Respectfully, I can’t believe this is an actual thing lol. You’re not in a committed relationship with this person (I’m assuming from the post) but a cuddle relationship and monogamy is being expected?! What planet is she, or possibly even you living on if you’re even considering entertaining the idea of this. Please live your best life. I would cut ties with people who are expecting such obnoxious demands from me, respectfully, you’re not married. You in truth do not even have to explain yourself IMHO. Also, spending every other waking moment with this person, outside of work seems painfully unhealthy for both parties.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @DonLonG what you describe looks less like a casual platonic cuddle thing and more like a significant other relationship. I know you are ace and dont have romantic leanings but what about her? Often we get gung ho with new things and if we dont pace ourselves will get burnt out rather quickly. If she wants more than that at this point she likely has big feelings for you which is bound to be the case if you are there nightly, or she is incredibly co dependent which will only serve to drain you . I wish I had a solution rather than an observation. Good luck

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    Cuddling overnight for 6 or 7 nights a week? That's not a cuddle partner, it's a wife! What you need is marriage counselling or a divorce.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    As I understand it, "monogamous cuddling" is where two people only cuddle with one another.

    Which seems like a bad idea to me. I mean, it's like refusing to eat unless one specific person's made the food. And also saying they can't eat unless they (or you) made the food. Not really practical. Being married might just about make it doable.

    Anyway.

    If you're getting your touch hunger fully fed, she shouldn't have to worry about you eating between meals—and if she's so touch-hungry she needs more meals than you, well, seems she can choose between forcing you to eat with her when you're not hungry and need to do other things, or eating without you like a responsible adult.

    That she seems to be leaning towards forcing you is... not a great sign.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I am picturing Glenn Close in the 80s for some reason.

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @DonLonG the more important question that needs to be asked in my opinion is why she feels needs cuddling 6-7 days a week especially overnight whether it’s from or others ?? That seems like a red flag in itself in my opinion and deserves some delving into before you figure out the monogamous cuddle thing.

  • [Deleted User]AWright (deleted user)
    edited November 2020

    You need time for you.

    I understand this is a great source of income for people, but she definitely sounds like she needs boundaries. Unless you're interested in pursuing a relationship with this woman, you need to let her go.

    People with this sort of demand can be dangerous for people like us in this line of work.

  • Mike403Mike403

    I kind of agree with @UKGuy . You might as well get married if you two are together that much. Platonic cuddling is just to get a physical need met and it shouldn't be monogamous.

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @AWright I don’t think she’s a pro just a fellow enthusiast so there’s no money involved. Either way you are right in the amount of time and attention she needs seems unhealthily from a platonic arrangement

  • [Deleted User]cualtzin (deleted user)

    She’s very clear in her expectations. You won’t convince her of anything else. If that’s what you want too, then great. It’s a committed asexual relationship. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re looking for. All you can do is be clear about what you are willing to put into this connection with her. Don’t force your self accept something just to keep the peace. If you can somehow work something out that’s great. But if not, then that’s great too.

  • sjb1973sjb1973

    @DonLonG I'm not sure you need to ask your cuddle partner questions as much as be honest about how you're feeling.

    It sounds like you're feeling suffocated. Your suggestion that she supplement with another partner is a good one, and you can reassure her that you don't see it as cheating. But it sounds like she wants to agree on a shared definition of cheating or monogamy primarily to make sure you don't see anyone else.

    As you've said, the only way forward is to talk it out. You sound like you're in tune with how she's feeling and what she needs, but make sure you put your own needs up there too. Be honest, and I hope she listens. Good luck amigo.

    --

    @MrFirefighter I can't believe people still say 'grow a set' because someone defies their idea of a 'real man', but hey I guess we're both easily surprised today.

  • TouchSanctuaryTouchSanctuary
    edited November 2020

    Whenever I did cuddling as an enthusiast, it was always assumed to be non-exclusive. Since it wasn't romantic or sexual in nature (i.e. no kissing, no making out, no nudity, no sexual activity), I wouldn't use the word monogamy - any more than I would say I have "monogamous friendships". It sounds like maybe you need to have a talk about whether the relationship is romantic or not, and what you both want out of it. Perhaps this is more like a platonic life partner than a casual cuddle buddy dynamic?

    My cuddle partner who I've been seeing for 6 weeks told me this morning that she's not getting all of her needs met. What we have been doing has been amazing, but it has been a little much for me as it has been taking a huge chunk of my life. We have been cuddling overnight six to seven times a week. Every free moment I have outside of work has been spending with her.

    To be honest it sounds quite unhealthy if someone is monopolising your time this much right from the get go - whether it's a platonic or romantic relationship. I consider it normal to meet up once or twice a week for the first 1-3 months in a new dating relationship, and then about 3-4 times per week once you go exclusive and define the relationship (which usually happens after 1-3 months). A healthy relationship leaves room for friends and other hobbies. This behaviour sounds like a red flag for an emotional abuser, who will often try to monopolise your time, isolate you and control you.

    Also, it's bizarre to me that she is saying she still has unmet needs, despite you spending literally every spare minute with her and cuddling overnight, seven days a week. It sounds like she is just a leaky bucket who will never be satisfied.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited November 2020

    _Comment deleted due to being a response to a since deleted post _

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @pmvines I have a set .... of cats whaaaaaatttt don’t challenge my masculinity 💪🏿💪🏿💪🏿 🐈🐈

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @TouchSanctuary I agree something’s off if she needs that kinda time especially so soon.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @hugonehugall - I had somebody tell me that a single guy with a cat is creepy.... if that's the case, I'm proud of my creepiness.

  • [Deleted User]bwelnicki (deleted user)

    Seems creeping into non-platonic territory

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    It sounds kinda like this is a de-facto relationship. It also sounds like there actaully are unmet needs on both sides and poor communication and probably identification of them as well. While identifying these needs is personal (and perhaps needs the assistance of a therapist) I am willing to bet some are related to this person is afraid of losing you as a cuddle partner.

    As for the boundaries, yeah no one on this site can help. You both will both have to set them together. Find what's troubling her, find what's troubling you and work on solutions. It kinda sounds like you want to find some since you're asking for help.

    Take this with a grain of salt though. I am not qualified for advice.

  • DesignergirlDesignergirl

    @DonLonG There's a disconnect between your question and your intro, otherwise what @sjb1973 said. And maybe be careful what you wish for?

  • BrianLBrianL

    Sounds like she caught feelings hard and is, in her mind, beyond a platonic cuddling partnership.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Maybe this can clarify what many are trying to say:

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    I didn't think mono cuddling existed until now.

    It seems to me that she is likely seeing you as more than just a cuddle buddy. Either way I think you guys need a talk about what the relationship is to the both of you as well as what your ideal situation would be. It certainly seems like it's not the same.

    However it may be similar enough that with some communication you could have something you both enjoy.

    Also if she isn't getting her needs met she should be looking for additional people. Meeting all of her needs should not be your job.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    I agree with all the red flag wavers, but also understand that some of us are unimaginably broken and it can be a really scary world.

    Without knowing her, I can only guess at some of where her behaviors are coming from. I agree with some of those already mentioned, but still wanted to offer up my initial thoughts from reading your post.

    @DonLonG ~ She has found one of the best, most stand up men to ever walk the earth, let alone be here on this site and in her city!! Plus you're Ace and aren't angling for anything more! She won the CC lotto and knows it!!!

    Okay, what I just said is all true, but maybe she doesn't know it. Maybe she "lucked" out with you and really doesn't have much to compare this experience with.

    Yes, @DonLonG what I said still remains true, but maybe she's scared to lose you. Could be past related or just present related (because you my friend, are in fact, a beautiful 'gift'. Who wouldn't want to hold onto something so delightfully wonderful?).

    Or maybe she's afraid of the unknown...

    I wonder if it might help her to welcome branching out if you offered to help her develop her search and screening tools for finding other locals to cuddle with? I'm not saying to "set her up", but to start really exploring and talking about what you each define your "ideal cuddle life" to be.

    Talk about what you look for when considering someone. Share what your "red flags" or non-negotiables are and ask her about her's too.
    Give time to actually name those things and write them down. By you two talking and literally comparing notes (including hopes & expectations), it may help redefine this "Cuddle-Ship" with one clear benefit being the support of a true friend. It also would serve to help with fully articulating what you each might bring to the table and what is for sure not on the menu.

    Because I don't have enough details, I don't know if any of this will land as helpful. But no matter what, I hope you proceed with what is best for you fully in view. You know you best ~ don't overcommit ~ stay honest ~ and know that even if she wants an answer tonight, you might have to say, "I don't know yet." Or, "I need more personal space & think time." Or (if applicable), "I've done a lot of introspective personal growth work. I need alone time to process all of this and don't want to agree to anything, make any promises or any commitments, until I'm in a clearer head-space."

    Then if she's agreeable, cuddle the heck out of her for a bit and make sure she gets home safe.

    Seriously, you've been at work all day and this is huge! If any of your needs around figuring this out gets push back from her, then I think you'll unfortunately have confirmation of a grand power imbalance, or at minimum a lack of her consideration/respect for you and your needs. Which frankly, IMO, is actually HUGE!!!

    (((((HUGS))))) My friend! 💓

  • SFsnugglesSFsnuggles

    Time to get a cuddle divorce 😭

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited November 2020

    Should have had her sign a precuddletial. Now she will get all your karma.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster
    edited November 2020

    Bones (from Star Trek 2009): "I've got nowhere else to go. My ex-snuggler took all my karma in the divorce. Now all I've got left is my bones."

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited November 2020

    @DonLonG You have been sucked into the vortex of a cuddling succubus. Who you gonna call? Cuddlebusters!

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle

    She's trying to control you. Run!!!

  • littermatelittermate
    edited November 2020

    I'm wondering why everything is on her terms. Her way or the highway. Her timing or? If you allow her to put a ring in your nose by threatening to leave you if you don't do xyz, you will be screwed from here on out.

    No one person makes the rules in a relationship -- it's a creative negotiation between two sets of needs. If they don't fit well enough together, it's probably a good idea to discontinue. But no one gets to be the boss of the other. It just goes downhill from there. And what? Cuddle monogamy? That's cra-cra-crazy. That's control. Them there are issues that need a good therapist.

    So she's upset, big whoop. Women's feelings are a really bad sole rudder of a relationship. It just goes downhill from here, trust me.

    Where does this definition come from? The Big Book of Everyone Else Thinks So? Cuddling relationships are rather new in the world of conditioning and unlike romantic/sexual relationships, don't have the heavy bars of culturally sanctioned conditioned patterns clamped on them yet. You get to do what you want combined with what she wants. If you leave the definition of "cheating" (a weird defunct concept anyway) up to one person's emotional whims to support their crappy feelings about themselves by paying with your freedom, cheating can be any old thing someone decides.

    I had a regular cuddle partner for a while. Neither of us asked what the other was doing outside of cuddling each other. There was an assumption that this was part of the beauty of the cuddlesphere - no ownership. Stand on your own two feet. Be sovereign.

    I say that if she's so amazing that you're willing to be enslaved, go for her definition of cheating. And while you're at it, spend MORE time filling her needs. Forget yourself, your needs, and your dignity. But how long will that level of possessive insecurity work for you?

    I like the "Run!!!" answer. Or, stand your ground. Say, "I love you and like what we're doing and value you in my life, but I can't fill all your needs, starting with how much you want to cuddle. And then moving on to your need for a monogamous cuddler. Happy to keep cuddling a lot, because I like it, but that level of commitment doesn't work for me." Unless it does. Unless it truly, deeply does. It just sounds like she's dictating the rules and you're scrambling to fulfill them. That's not a relationship--it's a hostile takeover.

    That's my unfiltered two cents. Can you tell I'm feeling big-sister-protective of you?

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle
    edited November 2020

    What littermate said.

    Whatever you do, do NOT cave to her demands!

    Do not allow her to impose "cuddle monogamy" on you. That's just so she can control you. If 6 days a week is too much for you, cuddle less. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem, not yours.

    You need to set boundaries with her.

    If you assert your boundaries, and she persists in her demands, then you need to run the other way.

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