People DO reply sometimes

CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
in General

It wasn't really planned, but I find myself with several physical and online cuddles arranged for this week. A mixture of professionals and enthusiasts, from here and Nordic Cuddle. This is only possible because I have the good luck to live in London, which as far as I know is the cuddling centre of Europe. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am, and I need to stop and remind myself.

I mention this because there is a lot of talk of people not answering messages. That talk is true, it happens to me. My reply rate from professionals is about 50%, and from enthusiasts much lower. Along the way I have had a number of unhappy experiences.

But there is no magic trick here. All I've done is create a decent profile, participated in the forum, and sent a lot of brief, friendly, unique messages. When I meet somebody I'm polite and considerate, and so they are willing to meet me again.

In the wider interests of balance I just want to make the point that doing those things does work in the end, or at least it did for me.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    That's great, congrats! I actually had a near-miss with an enthusiast a few weeks ago (in fact, she messaged first!). And other men here have obviously had success with enthusiasts. So yes, by all means, it is definitely possible to meet non-pro women for cuddles from this site.

    What's still not clear to me though is... Why try? Yes, some men will successfully meet enthusiast women from this site. Still, men outnumber (non-pro) women here by a huge factor, and it's much harder to meet (non-pro) women from this site than via many other methods. Not that meeting women is ever easy, but why make it even harder on yourself?

    (I actually just did a check I sometimes do. Within 50 miles of my current location - I'm not actually in San Diego right now or available to cuddle - there are two enthusiast women and forty-two enthusiast men.)

    I would suggest that for most men, it will be much more gratifying to meet women through other means, to form social bonds with a number of women (and some men too), and to hopefully convert one or more of those into cuddle buddies, rather than spending time messaging women here.

  • xeldaxelda
    edited November 2020

    I'm fairly new to this site, but have experience in other sites where this comes up (ie: dating sites). I'm very clear that this is not a dating site (and everyone should be), but one of the similarities is that people here are seeking emotionally and physically intimate relationship(s). That takes some work... the kind of work that a lot of people aren't great at: emotional and interpersonal work.

    CuddleDuncan says, "But there is no magic trick here. All I've done is create a decent profile, participated in the forum, and sent a lot of brief, friendly, unique messages. When I meet somebody I'm polite and considerate, and so they are willing to meet me again."

    As a woman here, I can tell you that what CuddleDuncan says is more important than you might want to believe. Before I communicate with anyone, I do the following: 1. read their profile; 2. see what they think and how they talk with others on the forums 3. see how they interact in messages with me to see if they'd be a good match for me.

    For those of you who might want to up your game a bit, I'd recommend:

    1. Create a profile that gives people an idea of who you are and what you are looking for. I see a lot of blank profiles, or ones that say "I'm not good at writing these things; ask me anything and I'll tell you." No one is good at writing these things, but that's your work to do. It's not up to others to get you to talk about yourself. I'm sure no one would ever expect to get a job interview if their cover letter said the same thing.

    2. Your initial message(s) should also have some effort put into them. "Hi! How are you?" is a good start, but shouldn't end there. One idea is to read the person's profile; ask yourself what you find interesting about that profile; and generate a comment or question based on that interest. That's the start of creating a connection with someone.

    3. Show them who you are. Yes, it takes some courage and work (again, the work!! =) ) to participate in forums, but that's one great way to show people who you are and engage with people who resonate with you. I'm much more likely to initiate or respond to someone if I resonate with the things they say publicly. Tip: Pay attention to how you say things, because too much negativity and complaining is off-putting.

    4. Don't jump too quickly to cuddling. You may feel safe and eager to get right to the juicy stuff, but most women are more cautious. Not all men are creepy, but pretty much ALL women have had a creepy experience of some sort, so you'll need to create a sense of safety throughout all of your interactions, but especially in the beginning.

    5. Maybe you don't have the time, energy or skill to do all those things. If that's the case, consider booking a professional session. You're not just paying for the cuddle... you're paying for all the emotional work you're not doing. A professional is being compensated for their time, so they may be willing to do more of the emotional labour required in negotiating a cuddle session. They may overlook your awkward shyness and carry more of the conversation. They are skilled at setting and maintaining boundaries and may be willing to teach you as part of the session. Note that while they may be willing to do more work, you'll still need to do some work.

    Now... if you've read through all that, I applaud you! You're already doing more work than most :) Keep in mind, that it maybe took you 8 minutes to read it, but I've put about an hour and a half of thoughtful work into writing it... all in the interest of helping people get more cuddles!

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    @xelda Thanks for taking the time to write that up. This is all perfectly reasonable advice.

    However, I still don't understand the point. As I said in my comment above, there are over 20x as many men in my region as women. All the well-intentioned advice in the world isn't going to change the fact that the large majority of those men will never find non-pro women to cuddle on this site. Why not encourage them to meet women elsewhere instead of slightly modifying the way they are currently banging their head against the wall?

    They are skilled at setting and maintaining boundaries and may be willing to teach you as part of the session.

    This is an extremely optimistic view of pro cuddlers. The upside to pro cuddlers is that it's (much) easier to get a cuddle with them than with an enthusiast. That's about the only generalized statement one can make.

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @xelda it took me 9 mins .....

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @CuddleMeLater you are completely right. With a ratio like that, there's no point in trying unless you have some kind of obvious competitive advantage (former olympic athlete and film star; or perhaps loads of great karma from having lived somewhere else).

    I am lucky to live in London, which is a cuddling hotspot. The ratio here is more like 7:1. Given that we know that a significant number of those men are what I call idiots, there is a chance.

    I joined the site in January, gave it a go, made no progress at all, and gave up. I popped in occasionally, but it was only a few weeks ago that I made a second attempt. As you suggested, I focussed on professionals to start with. It was still pretty soul-destroying, but I pushed through and in the end it was very well worth it.

    @xelda as CuddleMeLater said, it's a great post, thank you.

    They ... carry more of the conversation. They are skilled at setting and maintaining boundaries

    This is certainly true of some professionals. However, it is most certainly not true of others. I myself have met one whose ability to respond to a conversation, never mind carry one, was limited.... The boundary problems I will keep for another thread.

  • xeldaxelda

    @CuddleMeLater The point is to increase your odds when the numbers are against you, as well as give you some tips to give you a better chance of making a good match. The biggest complaint I hear from women is that there aren't enough quality men to choose from. Most men only have to try a little bit harder to have some success. For example, less than 1% of men in my area have more than 1 sentence written in their profile.

    @hugonehugall Haha! Overworked you, did I?

    @CuddleDuncan Thank you! And yes, in theory, professionals have the skills to do their jobs well. Just like any unregulated profession, it's a buyer-beware market. As well, just like any profession, a person's passion and interest will dictate how much they invest in their craft, so some will be better at it than others.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited November 2020

    Those of us who do have a degree of success meeting folks on here do not do so by not bothering or not putting forth an effort

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    @xelda Sound and resonating advice, and after perusing your profile we sound so much alike. Always lovely to find kindred spirits.

  • hugonehugallhugonehugall

    @Xelda what can I say ? I get distracted sometimes ..... next time use pictures & video clips

  • cricket26cricket26

    @xelda What an absolutely perfect post! Thank you for saying it better than I ever could have.

    Especially the last point. “You’re paying for the emotional work you’re not doing”. Even though this isn't a dating site, i still need conversation and good vibes to feel comfortable enough to cuddle.

    Many cuddlers want to skip right to the good stuff (and believe me i want it too!) but there is still work to be done in building a connection. If someone wants cuddles immediately and unconditionally, a wonderful rescue dog might be a better option ;)

  • happybearhappybear

    @xelda
    putting in the time to talk, message, connect with someone so they open their home to you, their personal space to you, and their arms to you is what makes this a community for cuddling comfort. thank you for being involved :smile:
    @cricket26
    i tell everyone to talk about expectations, boundaries and consent, communication is everything, cuddling is the easy part lol, everyone wants to skip to chapter 3 of the handbook without any heavy lifting.

  • cricket26cricket26

    @happybear You are so right lol, communication and boundaries come first. Also, i really love your profile pic, it’s beautiful!

  • MarkBPhxMarkBPhx

    @xelda thank you for your thoughtful response to this thread. I can tell you put a lot of thought and work into it.

  • xeldaxelda

    Thanks for the compliments @cricket26 and @MarkBPhx :)

  • wrenchwrench

    Ive replied to every message ive been sent. I get maybe 10 percent back.

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    @wrench

    I get maybe 10 percent back.

    If that's to enthusiasts, I think that's pretty high.

  • tana_dellavolpetana_dellavolpe
    edited December 2020

    Great tips!

  • valkyrievixenvalkyrievixen

    I reply to every message. Period. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they suck at interpersonal skills...and that’s EXACTLY why they’re here! It’s part of the relationship building that I enjoy...going from “hey, I wanna book” to a conversation that flows and is interesting...creating a connection before we even meet especially with those who don’t know how to create that connection themselves. You’ll definitely have more success if you listen to @xelda ‘s awesome post! But if you can’t seem to just yet...there is hope somewhere. Keep trying! 😊

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @valkyrievixen that's a wonderful attitude, thank you. That is exactly the kind of caring that cuddling is supposed to be about.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @Xelda ~ You devine being!! I LOVE your write up and hope everyone takes the time to read and consider it! 🥰

    @CuddleMeLater (and anyone else lamenting over the current ratios &/or response rates),
    Want to better the odds and up the number of women enthusiasts? Take Xelda's advice to heart and encourage others to do the same.
    Here's why...

    I'm not your "average" enthusiast. In fact, in most ways, I'm not average at all...

    Reflecting on Xelda's points #1 and #2:
    When I get a message from someone who has provided me with zero personal info in their message, didn't make any reference to my profile (which has a lot one could potentially draw from), hits me with whatever their cuddle inclinations are right from the jump, and has zero info in their profile, it really doesn't matter ~ I reply. And I assure you, for an enthusiast, that's incredibly rare!! Most will take a hard pass at the thought of engaging with someone who has a combo of those descriptors, let alone all.

    Basically... I'm an anomaly here.

    If you want more women to sign up as enthusiasts, to stay once they do, and to feel compelled to reply when contacted, then help make this space what the majority of them have taken the time to tell you they look for and appreciate. Lead by example. Be positive. And be supportive even if what we/they want doesn't make sense to you.

    Even if you don't see the results you're wishing to in the short term, what could it hurt to just make the effort?

    Also, perhaps you could consider doing more to get the word out and help to further "normalize" cuddling with some advertising too.
    Print some of these flyers, then put them up on bulletin boards out in your community. Get creative.

    Really. Instead of focusing on what isn't, focus on doing what you can to make it so.

    "If you build it they will come..." (and if you don't believe that, I invite you to do all of the above and, prove me wrong).

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    I've seen some women here who have little to no information in their profiles. It does make it difficult to start a conversation when there isn't much to go on.

  • CuddleBuddyMIACuddleBuddyMIA

    There’s a lot of inactive profiles .
    Or when you get a chance to message back they either delete their profile or get banned . A lot of people are just now exploring the cuddle community you can’t expect them to jump ship .
    I find that people do what they want regardless 🤷🏽‍♀️

    @FlyingToaster There’s a lot of men that have very little bio on their profile too or nothing at all .

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @Lyssababy92 Yep, I wasn't saying there aren't

  • [Deleted User]Mmart (deleted user)

    @Xelda Thank you for the great advice.
    @quixotic_life Same to you. I always enjoy your commentary

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    Aww... @Mmart ~ Thank you 😊

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    I agree with @cuddlemelater , it is much more effective to use other sites and just set the boundaries where you feel they should be. If you are feeling lonely and don't feel like you have the energy or mental state for a relationship then honestly, this site doesn't have the right environment. I have met a few nice people on this site but I honestly cannot recommend this site for enthusiasts. You are far more likely to become jaded than to find someone to cuddle with. I hate to be so negative, the experiences I have had were positive. I just think looking elsewhere and maybe checking here occasionally is a better strategy than doing something emotionally messy.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @lonelybutmaybe ~ What are these other sites that are "more effective" and less "emotionally messy"? Where to curb one's "feeling lonely" one needs to "just set boundaries" with people?

    Because [to me anyway] it seems @CuddleMeLater was saying, instead of putting in the effort here, one should instead go out into the real world to cultivate connections and then work to lure them over to the cuddle-side.

    Also, with these other sites, is one actually rewarded (with enthusiastic cuddle partners) when zero to minimal effort is put in? Or is the above advice (from @Xelda and others) still applicable on those platforms as well?

  • xeldaxelda

    @quixotic_life Why thank you! :3 Reading your profile, I can see you also put a lot of thought and energy into creating the kind of atmosphere you are looking for. It has a much better chance of attracting what you are looking for. Thank you for really getting what I'm saying, and emphasizing it with "if you build it, they will come". It's what I'm doing here. There are currently a total of 10 people in my area who have logged on in the last month; only one of them has a written profile. The odds of me actually finding a cuddle buddy from this site in my area are very low. In the meantime, I'm developing my self knowledge and my presence here, so that the next person in my area who registers out of interest will hopefully stay and contribute!

    @lonelybutmaybe I'm glad that you've had successful experiences on other sites, and all you had to do was clearly state what your boundaries are! I agree with so much of what you said. If people are feeling lonely and looking for more connection in their lives, they should be looking for that in all kinds of places, not just here. This is just one of many places, and it is geared toward a very specific kind of relationship.

    If you don't have the energy or mental state for a relationship, I'm not sure that any other relationship-type site will be any easier. I'm not quite following the logic here. Are you saying that negotiating a cuddle relationship is more emotionally messy and requires more energy than any other kind of relationship?

    I'd also be very hesitant to say that female cuddle enthusiasts would have more success elsewhere. Again, I'm assuming you're referring to more general relationship sites, and I might be wrong about that. Of course if we should look to local opportunities like cuddle parties, or our natural circles of close people to see if a cuddling relationship can develop. However, a woman looking for platonic cuddling on a generalized relationship site is likely to attract more hate mail than enthusiastic cuddlers.

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)
    edited December 2020

    @quixotic_life

    What are these other sites that are "more effective" and less "emotionally messy"? Where to curb one's "feeling lonely" one needs to "just set boundaries" with people?

    I think @lonelybutmaybe was referring to dating sites. And yes, although dating sites are also challenging for men, they are much, much easier than this site. It would be much easier to meet women off a dating site and then tell them you just want to cuddle than to meet women here. (In fact, I've done this!)

    If you want more women to sign up as enthusiasts, to stay once they do, and to feel compelled to reply when contacted, then help make this space what the majority of them have taken the time to tell you they look for and appreciate.

    That's a tall, tall order.

    Firstly let me say that I actually already did this. On my old account I had a much more filled-out profile, and I messaged tons of enthusiasts with what I thought were polite/unique/interesting/relevant opening messages. They don't reply. I can't overstate this: even with an interesting, relevant, and non-pushy opening message written by an articulate person with an extensive profile himself, women's reply rates are incredibly low.

    (I didn't find that karma helped either, btw. Some people suggest building up lots of karma. I had 20+ 5-star karmas, many of which raved about how great I was. Enthusiasts still didn't reply. Or even visit my profile where they would have seen the karma.)

    I completely understand that there are things men can do to increase their chances. Yes, by filling out one's profile, putting in effort in other ways, etc, men can increase their chances of a reply. But it's probably something like going from a 0.1% chance to a 1% chance. And even if you do get that initial reply, she'll probably ignore your next message.

    I don't think many women have the experience with rejection that a lot of men have. Most men learn to live with rejection as a common part of meeting women. But constant, 100% rejection, for months on end, with zero success? It's literally insane to subject yourself to that. It will make you feel terrible about yourself. I don't think anyone should put themselves through that.

    This site has been around for 6+ years and there are hardly any women here, despite the efforts of hundreds of people. I see no reason to think this will change in the future. If men want to meet women... they should go somewhere that actually has women.

  • xeldaxelda

    I feel like I'm spending way too much energy trying to convince people that putting some work into it is worth the effort. I can't guarantee that; no one can. However, if you do want to try, and just don't know where to focus your efforts, I (and others) have offered some tips.

    If you don't want to put more effort into this, that's totally fine and up to you! But then what you get out of it is on you. I do know that generally, the results achieved from pretty much anything in life is directly and causally related to the investment put into it. Do what you like with it :)

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