How to fix the cuddling community's problems

CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
edited December 2020 in General

As I understand it, the cuddling community has seven core problems. Which is a lot. These are nothing to do with Cuddle Comfort per se, but of course we find them all here. In no particular order they are:

a) Criminal or potentially criminal 'clients' (mostly men)
b) Creepy or inappropriate clients (mostly men)

c) Criminal or near criminal 'professionals' (mostly women)
d) Incompetent or inadequate professionals (mostly women)

e) A shortage of [female] professionals, particularly in certain areas
f) A chronic shortage of female enthusiasts

g) Irrational fear of social stigma (We have already established that that in general this does not occur - in fact the reaction is usually positive.)

Q1) Have I missed any?
I'm only interested in core problems, not minor or even medium-sized ones.

Q2) What do we do?
I'm looking for very specific suggestions to address specific problems, including how that suggestion could be implemented on Cuddle Comfort.

I would be especially pleased to hear from people who have not posted on this forum before. Please contribute - we need you.

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Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    There is a chronic shortage of female enthusiasts because women get sexually harassed in the most mundane everyday situations. Now you are putting them body-to-body. Most women are smart enough to know what is going to happen the majority of the time without even trying cuddling. Nothing on the boards regarding everything above comes as a surprise to me. I think there will always be an incredibly lopsided ratio. I don’t worry about it because the male dimwits tend to increase my chances and I have had several enthusiast encounters.

    With that being said, I will tell you that the female enthusiasts I have experienced are more likely to cross lines than pro female cuddlers. That has been my experience. Not all female enthusiasts, but quite a few. I had one tell me in LA 10 minutes into a cuddle that “I knew I wanted to f$@k you the minute I walked through the door.” I am not a bad looking guy, but I have never been considered for The Sexiest Man Alive Cover of People magazine either. I think it’s just loneliness. So it does go both ways.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Problem b) creepy clients

    Suggested solutions:

    • Sending messages is disabled unless at least eight 'Facts' fields have been completed and the profile has a minimum length, perhaps 250 non-space characters. (About three lines.)

    • First message to a new correspondant must have a minimum length (say, 200 characters).

    These can be implemented by changes to the Cuddle Comfort site code. I'm not a coder but I don't think either of these should be a nightmare.

    Neither of these requirements will interfere seriously with a real request. Bypassing them is obviously trivial, but I'm hoping it will reduce the volume of trashy messages that female members receive. And make some of the remainde instantly obvious and therefore deletable at once.

    There may be some such restrictions in place already, but I'd have to create a sock puppet to find out and I'm not keen on doing that.

    Comments?

  • Mike403Mike403

    @CuddleDuncan - Or the pros can show up with a bodyguard carrying a machine gun.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG
    edited December 2020

    For a, b, c basically security: we may want to give a cuddle address and contact details with photo ID of cuddlers to either CC or cuddlers could send it to their friends. If CC takes this seriously they could introduce a panic button which could be active for cuddle partners during the cuddle. Can be handy most when you arrive for the cuddle and may want to stop...

    d) more training for cuddlers before they are allowed to become professionals

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @Mike403 =) but no machine gun required. Just a cardboard box clearly labelled:

    Cock/balls amputation kit
    Anaesthetic not included

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)
    edited December 2020

    g) Irrational fear of social stigma

    You say this does not occur in general. I vaguely remember a thread about this. I don't think I read it closely. However, I can say that it definitely does occur. I have told a couple casual acquaintances about cuddling. They did not have a good reaction. I will not be telling anyone else.

    f) A chronic shortage of female enthusiasts

    I think this is inevitable, and the root cause is human nature, not any particular action people are or are not taking. Note that a shortage of women is not unique to cuddling - it's common in many activities where men seek out women.

    One idea I'll throw out for this one: charge men a monthly fee just to be members of the site. Not sure it would really do much good, and it could harm the community in several ways, but just a thought.

    c) Criminal or near criminal 'professionals' (mostly women)
    d) Incompetent or inadequate professionals (mostly women)

    e) A shortage of [female] professionals, particularly in certain areas

    Right now CuddleComfort takes an extraordinarily hands-off approach when it comes to pros. I think what would be necessary to fix these problems is for CC to be more hands-on. Do some kind of credentialing of pros, actively try to hire them and encourage it as a career, etc.

    But here's the thing: there already are other cuddling organizations that do those things, and they have hardly any pros. Personally, despite the problems, I prefer CC's approach. There is a very low bar to become a pro here, which means the pros are all over the map in terms of quality and ethics. But it also means there are a lot of pros here (relative to other places). I'd rather have 20 pros in my area, knowing some portion of them are going to be terrible, as opposed to having just 1 or 2.

    Another problem is that the more "professional" organizations treat cuddling more like some kind of formal therapy, which is not really what I'm after.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @HUGGGGGG (and everybody else) if more training is going to be demanded of professionals before their registration is accepted, what might that be? How might it work in practice?

  • herby357herby357
    edited December 2020

    Those problems you outlined are essentially symptoms of a larger issue: the mixing of cuddle enthusiasts with professionals.

    In my experience a large percentage of "enthusiast" think of/use this site as a dating site and are looking to connect on a personal level that is NOT platonic for a variety of reasons. And unfortunately, many of the "professionals" here are using sites like this to find "clients" since the crackdown on adult sites in the US.

    In my area professionals charge as little as $60 an hour to as much as $150 or higher. The "legit" pros generally provide more than enough information (e.g., websites, blogs, in-depth profiles, etc.) to let you know they are genuine. But even with that, before agreeing to meet with a potential professional platonic cuddle partner, I've learned that I need to inquire about their thoughts and feelings regarding:

       A.) Sensuality vs. Sexuality,

   B.) Intimacy vs. Romance, and

   C.) how they deal with/view the various types of Attractions

    to gauge what I'm getting myself into.

    To my mind if they can't discuss the aforementioned nuances, they are unclear on how they expect "platonic" cuddling to manifest itself.

    As you know, the chemical reactions in our bodies are powerful when we encounter touch of any kind, so it's paramount that my partner and I share our understandings of the A.B.C.s I outlined. Discovering platonic cuddling has truly been a God-send in my emotional healing as it has been much more effective than any of the other therapies I've tried.

    Lastly, I look for some sort of healthcare or holistic-healing background in the professionals I reach out to in so far as they probably view "platonic" cuddling like me -- a therapeutic pursuit.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @CuddleDuncan

    Cock/balls amputation kit
    Anaesthetic not included

    Maybe also a book, "A Simple Guide to Castration" by Ivana Kutcherkokov

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    c) Criminal or near criminal 'professionals' (mostly women)

    This is something I hadn't really heard about. I'd be curious about these stories of criminal mostly women cuddle pros..

  • DonLonGDonLonG

    @CuddleDuncan

    • Sending messages is disabled unless at least eight 'Facts' fields have been completed and the profile has a minimum length, perhaps 250 non-space characters. (About three lines.)

    • First message to a new correspondant must have a minimum length (say, 200 characters).

    That just gave me nostalgia of a past post about using a reward system for participating in the community.

  • ChristakcobbChristakcobb

    @CuddleDuncan , what is a female enthusiast?

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @Christakcobb: An enthusiast is someone who doesn't get money for cuddling with people. There are a lot of male enthusiasts on this site; fewer female ones.

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    @FlyingToaster

    This is something I hadn't really heard about. I'd be curious about these stories of criminal mostly women cuddle pros..

    • soliciting sex;
    • theft;
    • miscellaneous scams (like asking for payment ahead of time and then not showing up).

    It's mostly women simply because pros are mostly women. If there was a market for male pros I'm sure there'd be similar problems among male pros.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @CuddleMeLater I could see that happening. I've been nervous about meeting up with people sometimes myself, for things like that.

  • MarkBPhxMarkBPhx
    edited December 2020

    @CuddleDuncan that box idea would be immediately off-putting to anyone whose intentions are less than above board.
    That's a simple yet inventive suggestion.

  • CoolActionGuyCoolActionGuy

    Most of the professional cuddlers migrated to OnlyFans. 😂

  • TouchSanctuaryTouchSanctuary

    A lot of problems could be improved with better training for professionals. It seems to me that the big issues are primarily safety, boundaries and dealing with transference. Teaching mental health first aid to pro cuddlers and instructing them about when to refer to other health professionals (e.g. psychologists) would be more ethical. It would also be smart to have background checks for both pros and clients. In Australia we have police checks and "working with vulnerable people" checks.

    More education for enthusiasts would help too, as well as more organised cuddle parties available (for places where COVID is not a problem). I agree with other commenters that most people approach this as a dating site and don't really understand what platonic cuddling is. I think group cuddling is good because it reduces the potential for it to start feeling romantic and sexual in nature. Small platonic cuddling "pods" of 3-5 people would be pretty neat.

  • xeldaxelda
    edited December 2020

    @herby357
    I love everything you said, especially this:

    A.) Sensuality vs. Sexuality,

    B.) Intimacy vs. Romance, and

    C.) how they deal with/view the various types of Attractions

    I think this also touches on another core problem, which is that society conflates cuddling and dating.
    This results in problem b) creepy or inappropriate clients, because most people have a hard time separating cuddling and dating. Due to lack of boundaries, understanding or experience, people don't know what to do with their sexual/romantic feelings when they do crop up in a platonic cuddling environment. Even if it's not acted upon, there's a charge in the air that can be sensed.

    I do see a lot being done to tackle the stereotype that cuddle=romance and/or sex. However, the site is still going to attract people who are lacking in physical connection first and foremost, and who likely still associate cuddling as a romantic partner activity. The site does a lot to try to dispel, discourage and educate on this issue, but it also has some conflicting messages.

    For example, the site advertises this as a place to recover from relationship breakups and sudden lack of oxytocin. While this is true, it’s encouraging people who are on romantic relationship withdrawal to use this as a substitute; again conflating rather than separating. It can be very confusing for people who are heartbroken to separate all that they are feeling and lacking when they are in the middle of it. It also becomes a place where people come and view cuddling as a poor substitute and lesser than a romantic relationship.

    Another example... why does my profile require that I state my sexual orientation? I can opt out of almost every other question, but that one and it should be irrelevant. Again, it gives the impression that cuddling is overly connected to sexual orientation.

    I also wonder if this conflation contributes to problem f) A chronic shortage of female enthusiasts. There's an undercurrent here suggesting that men are here for women, and the problem is that there isn't enough women. Maybe the problem is that men are here for women instead of being here for platonic cuddling? Is the lack of women really a problem if cuddling is not romantic or sexual?

    I like to dance salsa; it’s a partner dance that requires a lead (usually male) and a follow (usually female). The dance community is chronically low on good leads (men). Because of this, many women in my local dance community have learned how to dance the lead role because we are desperate to just DANCE and could care less about the gender of the person we are dancing with. Salsa is a very sensual and often sexy dance! So one of the benefits of dancing with a female lead is that you can express yourself without having to guard against inappropriate sexual advances on the dance floor.

    Can the cuddling community challenge and change those stereotypes so that men can feel safer getting and giving platonic physical affection with other men? What would it take for men to be more willing to cuddle with other men so that more people can benefit from healing connection without there being a dependence on willing females?

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    What would it take for men to be more willing to cuddle with other men

    This has been suggested before... always by women.

    I don't have anything against physical affection with men. It's perfectly fine. But it's not the same as with a woman, and it never will be. Although a cuddle buddy is not the same as a romantic partner, many of the things that appeal to me about a romantic partner are the same things that appeal to me about a cuddle buddy. Honestly you'll have about as much luck convincing straight men that they should cuddle men instead of women as you would convincing them that they should have sex with men instead of women. It's just not gonna happen.

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    @xelda I feel like the real problem that you described is that people are using this site for different reasons. I think that using this site to help heal from breakups (not just lack of oxytocin, that's pretty clinical) or to receive physical affection without having to deal with the harsh realities of dating are just as valid as looking for deep meaningful friendships that just so happen to have cuddling involved. A far better solution would be to add broad categories to the profile showing what the person is seeking. This could be searchable on the site perhaps.

    There's too much "the others are cuddling wrong" in this thread. While I certainly agree that the illegal and/or dangerous aspects of this site should be addressed (option id verification being a great first step). I think we should focus more on making sure that everyone can use this site to receive what they need out of cuddling. That means 1. increasing the user-base so no category goes unfilled and 2. creating categories so that users can find what they want without making those looking for something different frustrated.

  • Riverside77Riverside77

    I think what would make this site much better is if it moved to a paid membership for all. Then turn this site to a strictly enthusiast site. No more pros. This could possibly weed out abusers while also possibly increasing better results for serious cuddlers.

    Honestly I do not like the money thing, period! I don’t don’t think I’d get many to agree with me.

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    A membership fee? Yeah that would just kill the website.

  • [Deleted User]Mmart (deleted user)

    @Riverside77 Interesting thought. I don't think much cuddling would be going on without the involvement of pros. There does not seem to be a large appetite among the women enthusiast population to actually cuddle. At least that has been my experience. Most enthusiasts I have contacted don't even respond.

  • quietman775quietman775

    @Riverside77 There are lots of people here who prefer not to hire pros, but I suspect far fewer who would want to get rid of them. Once upon a time, CC was an enthusiast-only site. No pros, except those occasional bait & switch artists who would sneak in under the radar posing as enthusiasts, only to drop the "oh by the way, I expect to get paid" bomb after meetings were set. The male/female ratio then was every bit as lopsided as it is now, meaning most guys looking to cuddle women couldn't meet anyone. Period. CC decided to allow pros, in part to fix that very problem. While the presence of pros does not require anyone to hire them, the absence of pros means a lot of guys would never get a return message, never mind an actual cuddle. How long would you continue to pay for a site membership with such abysmal results? Some of my best cuddle experiences have been with pros. I wouldn't trade 'em. I've cuddled quite a few enthusiasts now too. Ironically, I was aided by the karma I first received from so many pros.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @Riverside77 - Nobody is going to pay a membership fee if cuddling isn't going to be guaranteed. Most women enthusiasts don't even respond.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @CuddleMeLater says,

    This [men cuddling men] has been suggested before... always by women.

    Actually, I've been suggesting it for years. And in case anybody's missed it: I'm not a woman. Frankly, I think the whole idea that men will only cuddle the people they'd have sex with is a wrong one. Female, male, intersex, any and all genders... we're all human, and we're all capable of learning that cuddling and sex are two different, unconnected things.

    It's like chocolate and peanut butter. Even if most people only eat the two together, that doesn't mean the two are, somehow, inextricably linked.

    Though if the movies and shows you watch and the books you read and the people you talk to give you the impression that it's impossible to eat chocolate without wanting peanut butter, or that there's something wrong with you if you can do that... well. That does make it trickier.

    I remember the day one of my brothers and I were just lying around cuddling. My mom walked in and gave us a really unsettled look. "That looks wrong," she said. And that was an end to that.

    Even in my family, apparently, where group cuddles are the norm, a one-on-one snuggle session looks wrong!

    I understand the difficulties, I really do. What I'm suggesting is that we fight to overcome them, because I think it's worth it.

    @Riverside77: If this site required payment for membership... well, that'd be one way of getting rid of me. I can't afford Netflix! How'm I gonna pay for a meet-up-and-snuggle site? I'm here because it's free; I don't have to hire pros if I don't want to, but I can still meet people.

  • Riverside77Riverside77
    edited December 2020

    @Mike403 i disagree. Female enthusiasts would find what they are looking for and quickly move on. Some may stick around. This way guys would only communicate with enthusiasts that are currently searching. Minimal fee. $4.99 a month. It would begin to give a little more equity and an edge for guys. At least move in a forward movement.

    For me, I’d rather pay $60 a year trying with better odds, thank pay $300 for one cuddle session a year with a pro.

  • Mike403Mike403
    edited December 2020

    @Riverside77 The ratio for men to women is like 100 guys for every 1 woman. It's like that on dating sites also. I've used match.com that charges $40 per month and nobody will even talk to me on there.

  • Riverside77Riverside77

    Oh, in addition it would weed out the females pros who are in it just for the money, and more compassionate meaningful affection would be given.

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