Poll: Rudeness on the forum

CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
edited December 2020 in General

In addition to its obvious strengths, I have observed that this forum has a certain amount of rudeness, nastiness, thoughtlessness, aggression, bullying, negativity, and general unpleasantness.

I am curious as to whether we have the amount that we want.

Edit: I edited this post and learned the hard way that when you do that the poll disappears unless you re-select it .... only about 10 votes were lost. Please vote again.

  1. Do you think the amount of unpleasantness on this forum is114 votes
    1. not enough?
      17.54%
    2. about right?
      17.54%
    3. too much?
      64.91%
«134

Comments

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    You forgot to mention sarcasm and passive aggressiveness 😜

  • Mike403Mike403
    edited December 2020

    Who's the clown who voted "not enough"? P

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl
    edited December 2020

    Thank you for addressing this, @CuddleDuncan

    I understand that people are frustrated by the lack of meeting people they want to meet through this medium. And it's okay to be frustrated. What isn't okay is essentially behaving like entitled incels and that the women on this site somehow owe their time and attention to others. It is repulsive and not endearing at all, and actually continues the cycle of being ignored and subsequently not getting needs met, of which so many are complaining. The unbecoming manner in which women are talked about in the forums by certain men is not missed. We are responsible for all parts of ourselves. If you're not getting replies, keep looking. Learn how to be kind and not entitled. This year has been hell for most of us. Please have some grace. We have no idea what others are going through. And at the end of the day, no one owes anyone else anything. Expecting nothing from others means much less or no disappointment. This site was meant to be fun and life-giving, not for spreading our personal negativity.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @EGio - Agreed. Apparently the women are stuck-up and/or trolls if they're not willing to cuddle anyone who asks. The toxicity is sickening. Even if they reject everyone on the site, who cares? Nobody is required to cuddle anybody.

  • xeldaxelda

    Breathing a breath of fresh air! Thank you.

    @CuddleDuncan Thank you for always posting thoughtful, community-growing posts. Not every single thread results in something awesome, but I can always see your good intentions and passion for creating a positive community.
    @EGio Thank you for taking the words out of my mouth and writing something even better than I could!
    @Mike403 Thank you for being one of the guys who sees this, and says it bluntly! I, for one, try really hard to be gentle in saying it, so that those who are really listening will hear it... and also for fear of being further attacked and criticized. In the latter case, if that happens enough, women will just leave. We need more men like you to help create spaces where women WANT TO BE!!

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    @xelda & @Mike403 Amen to all of that.

  • ElleCuddleMiElleCuddleMi

    I litterally ignore the people who are rude or needy for negative attention. If I see a feed I don't agree with i just go to a different forum. Easy to just not read or respond to negative. I gravitate towards the positive fun spirit this group is typically known for. There are many here I'd love to have a chance to cuddle .. oxox thanks for keeping this site running and "clean"

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)
    edited December 2020

    @Mike403

    Who's the clown who voted "not enough"?

    Me.

    What isn't okay is essentially behaving like entitled incels and that the women on this site somehow owe their time and attention to others.

    Can someone point out where this is occurring? I read a pretty high percentage of posts on this forum, but I don't think I encounter this very often. It is a recurring thing for men to seek commiseration about their lack of success on this site, but what you're describing seems to be rarer. I've seen it but it doesn't seem to be infecting every post or anything. Maybe I just don't read the forum enough.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster
    edited December 2020

    "Not enough"? Do we really want more unpleasantness? :p On a cuddle forum, I can't really pucture someone thinking, "I wish people here were more rude". I mean, how much rudeness and unpleasantness would be considered appropriate or acceptable? Is there a certain rule of thumb or threshold I'm not aware of? :p

    I say "no" to rudeness!

  • Mike403Mike403

    @CuddleMeLater - I see if from time to time and I'm sure it happens more often off the forums.

    News flash to all guys: Even if they agree to cuddle, they can change their mind at anytime with the exception if they do it last minute or just not show up(that would be disrespecting your time)

    I'm not trying to be behind a monitor white-knighting for women, it's just what I see sometimes is pathetic. Get some hobbies, take a class... anything to keep your mind busy so if something doesn't go your way here, it doesn't hurt as much.

  • ElleCuddleMiElleCuddleMi

    I might I ask.... is ## rudeness also when someone ghosts you on your scheduled appointment? These are the people pro, enthusiasts or clients who decide to stand you up. They should be banned. I never have understood why the Pros have to have their credit card on file when it should be the clients on file Or maybe both of them so that if one stands the other 1 up & not giving the allotted time for cancellation then they should be charged the fee for the session according to the guidelines.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @ElleCuddleMi - Yes it is. That's what I said above. Cancelling last minute or not showing up(ghosting) is very rude because somebody likely set aside time to be with that person.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    Lol! Not enough!! Snort!!! Yes I selected that! The way it was posed I thought it must be a joke...

    Really though... Sorry if already addressed, I've only read the OP's (plus 1) and wanted to comment before my adhd kicks up and I get sidetracked...

    FWIW... What I've noticed here are people being people. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, politics (worldwide) have people on edge, there are systems of oppression being challenged and double-downed on, unemployment and homelessness are on the rise, etc.

    Most everyone is suffering from this ongoing global trauma, some far more than others. and many no longer have the capacity to self regulate to the degree they used to. Add to all that the typical stressors this time of year, limited access to those who might validate us/our feelings in person, and it's no wonder people are cracking.

    Perhaps it's time everyone who's getting offended, take a minute to pause and consider, that maybe people aren't being rude, nasty, thoughtless, aggressive, negative, unpleasant, sarcastic, bullies. That maybe what you're "picking up" in one's "tone" is due to the lens you're viewing it through. Or it could be they're tired, frustrated, etc. But everyone goes through that and sometimes it's in a public space.

    So instead of focusing on the negatives, how about we shift to the positives instead?

    How about those who've said some variation of, "Ouch that hurts" and the other replied, "Oh, sorry not my intent." and things move on...

    Or the number of people who comment with insightful, supportive, kindness? They far out weigh the others here...

    I just thought it might be worth considering because I got called, "bitchy" the other day (and thought it was pretty freaking funny, but also realized, though not at all how I thought I was presenting myself, it's how I was received).

    I've seen this happen repeatedly here. We can only assume one's tonality, especially if we've never "talked"/heard eachother's voices before. But we always have a choice ~ Assume good intent or assume their having a bad day. Because sometimes we just need to give people a pass, and to condider they're probably not like that all the time.

    So they came off abrupt, a bit charged, etc. You don't have to take it personally. You have the choice to be empathetic and to cut others (and even yourself) some slack.

    I was telling someone the other day.... Sure I could get pissed at someone for cutting me off (and if it startles me or is dangerous I am) but I quickly let it go. Because I know full well I have been before, and probably will be again, the one who does something stupid. It's part of people-ing. Which the majority of us here presumably are.

    Sorry this was so long... clearly I have some feelings around all this...

    And... next time I'm going off all offended (because I'm sure I will) I invite you to remind me of this post. Just because I get it, doesn't mean I always practice it... And thank you in advance if you do.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited December 2020

    @quixotic_life yes. There is a little bit of very easily offended and by golly you better not trigger me or else stuff from some. As much as we would like to be able to have control over what people.say and do., sometimes you just have to face the fact that we are all adult humans who cannot please everybody and not everyone is going to do things that please us . It doesn't really make it mean , rude, or offensive. Or even wrong for that matter . Sometimes the most easily offended are the ones wasting the most energy seeking out things to be offended by .

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @pmvines @quixotic_life Absolutely.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    @quixotic_life :+1: :+1:

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    I'm gonna be honest. The forums are the worst part of this site. Reading through them makes me feel more lonely and hopeless. I post here more out of argumentative spirit (and perhaps a bit of need of conversation) than anything else.

    That being said, they also give a view into the inner workings of the site and a view into the minds of other users that other places to meet people just don't have. It's also nice to be able to talk to the founder directly.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @lonelybutmaybe I am truly sorry you feel that way. But I would challenge you to find a place where people from all walks of life and ages gather everyday and drama doesn’t break out. It is part of being human. Doesn’t mean we all couldn’t do better, but it also isn’t cause to drop into a fetal position and quit. I considered quitting at one time and I am sure there would be some on here that would say good riddance (that would go for anyone on here if they decided to quit) but I found a bunch of people messaging me over time saying they missed me and my posts. Almost every one of them are lurkers who don’t post. I am sure the same would apply to everyone here as well. We all have haters and we all have fans. You can’t escape the human condition.

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    @FunCartel i certainly won't leave because of the forum. You can just avoid that. the forum just highlights the other issues with this site. Even within this thread there are those who don't quite empathize. I don't quite like when people attack an unseen bogeyman. One person behaving badly is a sign of one person behaving badly, ten people behaving badly is a sign of a deeper issue.

  • cricket26cricket26

    I answered "about right", only because it's a forum full of adults. There is going to be misunderstanding and offense. My political science instructor used to tell us that "any time you put two people in the same room, there's going to be politics." I'd replace politics with drama.

    HOWEVER. I feel that in general, people here are trying to have a good conversation :) Lately it seems that some people post just to fight/start arguments, but the forum regulars seem to be genuine, nurturing, kind people who want to connect.

    @quixotic_life said it better: " What I've noticed here are people being people." And with the complete trash fire that 2020 has been, I can't blame anyone for not being their best self. But how about we try to be? :)

    (Sorry, this has been a bit of a ramble, and mostly what's been said already. I just wanted to be part of the conversation hehe)

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @cricket26 ~
    First, that user pic is adorable!!!
    Second, yay you for chiming in!!
    And third, go you for being succinct... "And with the complete trash fire that 2020 has been, I can't blame anyone for not being their best self. But how about we try to be? 🙂" ~ Perfectly put!

  • cricket26cricket26

    Thanks @quixotic_life! Credit to Bumblebee Nursery for the pic!

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @quixotic_life Yep. You never know what troubles someone else is going through, so it helps to try to be friendly. And I think it's hardly worth it to get into arguments with people on an online forum, especially one like this that (I think) is supposed to encourage people to help each other feel better through cuddling. We don't need to be rude with each other.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    I also said "not enough" (because of course I did).

    Life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. Pretending that it is makes me... uncomfortable. I was raised in a community of folks who hid their true feelings; where expressions of anything less than happiness and general content were discouraged. I didn't realize it at first, but I was surrounded by lies.

    How can someone say they like you, admire you, think you're great, and then throw a rock at you the second no one's looking? I'd rather they'd just said straight out they hated me.

    Pretense bothers me.

    Rudeness, nastiness, thoughtlessness, aggression, bullying, negativity, and general unpleasantness I can put up with. In fact, in a way, they delight me. Unpleasant or not, I'd rather have honesty—on these forums, and in my life generally. ...And the way I define "honesty" is definitely affected by the fact that I'm autistic. See this bit of explanation on Tumblr for specifics.

    I'm not much of one for beating around the bush, especially not for the sake of disguising an unpleasant truth. Yes, even if someone's an incel I'd rather know it than not!

    I think the forums are the best part of the site. But yeah... they could use a touch more honesty.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster
    edited December 2020

    @DarrenWalker Pretending is one thing, but I don't think we need to actively try to be more rude on the forum.. I don't think rudeness is particularly necessary, and you can choose to be tactful and still be honest and get your point across. You don't have to be dishonest about it either.

  • BotWithFeelingsBotWithFeelings

    Unpleasant or not, I'd rather have honesty—on these forums, and in my life generally. - @DarrenWalker

    I actually agree with you on this. Super saccharine forums would be unbearable too. Unfortunately it is often paired with a lack of empathy and an unhealthy dose of "my view is the only correct view".

    I wish the complaints were met with action and not platitudes of personal responsibility and indefinite patience. Granted the problems are hard.

  • [Deleted User]JLM (deleted user)

    I’m a big-time lurker. On a rare occasion if I’ve had one too many, I get a little more verbal, but I don’t find the forums on this website any different than any other online community. There is unpleasantness, and on occasion some people dominate every conversation. But I think without some bickering and foolishness, it would be boring and wouldn’t give you much to think about. how boring would it be if every single post was followed by nothing but fawning adoration and agreement? And arguing like cats and dogs is fine compared to telling people what they can or can’t say, think, or feel. Within reason. In theory we should be able to disagree vehemently but respectfully and everybody goes on with their life. Now I’m scanning what I just typed for hypocrisy or idiocy and I’m sure there’s some in there. And anyone’s welcome to call me out on it, just not to tell me that I can’t say it. And I probably won’t answer because I am not a debater. I am just a weirdo who can’t sleep and decided to shriek in the forum briefly.

    Over time, a lot of the people that you originally can’t stand for their pompous baloney end up saying something you agree with. And then there’s your common ground. So get it straight. Dissenting opinion and spirited debate is a good thing. If you feel like someone’s being abusive, go to the moderators. But be grateful that everybody doesn’t think exactly like you do.

    Jesus, was that sanctimonious enough for everybody? I’m going back to not talking for a couple years.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @FlyingToaster: Huh. Do you think people need to try to be less diplomatic? I figured it was more the other way: that beating around the bush is what takes effort, while being direct (and thus rude) happens more naturally.

    Tact and diplomacy, frankly, usually just look like deliberate ambiguity—a kind of dishonesty—to me. But that's covered in the link.

    @lonelybutmaybe: Someone displaying a lack of empathy is displaying a truth about themselves: they lack empathy. (In whatever the area at hand is, anyway.) Is that a bad thing to know about someone? And if you believe a thing is true, then of course you believe anyone who says otherwise is wrong. That's how belief works.

    If my view is that 1 + 1 = 2 (which it is), then naturally I think that's the only correct view!

    I'd like it if people realized that thinking your beliefs are the only accurate ones is an unavoidable result of actually believing—and that actually believing a thing doesn't force the thing to be actually true, so it's important to be able to stop believing a thing if it turns out to be untrue.

    Clinging to a belief even after you start suspecting it's inaccurate... now, that's unhealthy.

    @JLM: A weirdo who can't sleep and decided to shriek in the forum briefly! I like it. And I agree: dissenting opinion and spirited debate is a good thing. Abuse? Maybe not so much on the personal attacks, yeah. I want to know if somebody hates me, but just "I hate you" is good enough! No need to, I don't know, call me DroolinWanker or anything.

  • FlyingToasterFlyingToaster

    @DarrenWalker Actually, considering some of the comments & light drama I've seen here sometimes, I actually think people should be more diplomatic. I don't think you have to beat around the bush - There are different ways of saying something, nicely or rudely, and I don't think being tactful or diplomatic is necessarily dishonest.. I mean, for instance, a rude way to say you disagree with someone might be "Your opinion sucks, what are you thinking?", or you could just say something like "I don't agree, but I understand people have different points of view" - It's not a lie, and it's still saying what's on your mind.

    I just don't think being direct equates to being rude, or at least doesn't have to.

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @FlyingToaster: The difference between "direct" and "rude" (and, relatedly, "indirect" and "dishonest") is about as subtle to me as the difference between red and green is to a person with red-green colorblindness. So I'll take your word for it: you're probably right.

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