Ads for CC!

I recently listened to a series of radio advertisement outtakes that featured Orson Welles. The director of Citizen Kane struggled with the script, which promoted frozen peas, crispy fish fillets, and ground beef. Welles took issue with the quality of writing and proceeded to lambaste everyone involved in the production.

This got me thinking: "I wonder what sort of advertisements the CC community would come up with for the site?"

Any sort of advert will do; a radio (or Podcast) ad, something for TV or YouTube (film), or a piece intended for print.

Here's one for an audio-based advertisement.

A door shuts and a low-pitched drone begins to play—at a volume that is nearly imperceptible. A man sighs. It is a long, wearisome noise, thick with resignation. The droning grows slightly louder. There's a choking sob from the man.

Narrator (Paul Reubens doing his Pee-wee Herman voice): "The meat has gone cold. Barry rushed home during a break at work and heated a slab of beef, to be enjoyed upon his return."

The sobbing becomes more intense, as does the droning. There's a grunt followed by a dull thud.

Narrator: "Barry collects figurines depicting girls from popular anime. Though delightful to stare at, they aren't soft and warm like a real living human."

Barry wails. The droning becomes louder still. Deep, resonating drums play, picking up speed in a rumbling crescendo.

The metallic clack of a shotgun being pumped—the background noise stops. The crying persists. Barry says "I'm sorry, God."

Narrator: "Suddenly, Barry recalls hearing about a website at work. A wonderful site where people meet up to platonically cuddle. HA HA! It's called Cuddle Comfort, and signing up is a breeze."

Fingers fly over a keyboard. Laughter. An upbeat jingle starts.

Narrator: "You can customize what you're looking for, and search a wide area for potential cuddle buddies. Best of all? Cuddle Comfort is free! Try it today! HA HA!"

Insane laughter from Barry, evocative of a mad scientist seeing their unspeakable blasphemy coming to life.

Narrator: "Cuddle Comfort—touch warm meat."

Edited for typos and style. I shouldn't try to write threads while working.

Renamed topic from 'advertisements' to 'ads'. Former was triggering Ad Blockers and consequently falsely triggered CC's offline detection page. [/Mark]

So the name of the game is "work for free—but produce something nobody would ever want."

I can do that!

soothing tenor or possibly alto voice, impossible to tell which
"Do you ever want friends? People to sit next to, talk to, play games with? People who'll listen; people you can listen to? Not a girlfriend or a boyfriend, not someone to have sex with or cling to for the rest of your life to the exclusion of everyone else—do you ever want friends? Try CuddleComfort. Find friends; cuddle your buddies."

@DarrenWalker

I presume that, if anyone from CC's marketing team really likes an idea, they'll offer payment to the poster. This seems highly unlikely to me in general.

The name of the game is "have fun with a make-believe scenario".

CuddleDuncan

Love this idea.

Haven't come up with anything with saying yet.

GirlNextDoor_FL

I'll admit I do like this idea, but I do value and appreciate the quality of people on CC and would like to keep it this way.

jab65

A Facebook group would get traffic to this website.

Oooh! I'd love to make a fake radio ad!

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Stay-at-home order extended again? Do you miss the crowds, the commotion, the commutes, the squeegee-kids, and most of all, those folks who used to walk around holding the 'Free Hugs' signs?

Hey, whatever happened to all those folks holding the 'Free Hugs' signs?

Glad you asked! They all went to cuddlecomfort.com! At cuddlecomfort.com you'll find Free Hugs in exchange for nothing but the low, low cost of politeness, respect, and patience. Valued at ~$100/hr! What a steal!

If you're polite and respectful but in a rush, cuddlecomfort.com has you covered! For ~$100/hr, you can get Fast Hugs! It's cheaper than therapy and 1000% huggier, with all the health benefits of Free Hugs!

But wait, there's more!

Join now and participate in a lively forum of huggers on cuddlecomfort.com. The topics are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get!

Try cuddlecomfort.com today for all your hugging needs! That's cuddlecomfort.com. Cuddlecomfort.com!

@squeakytoy I imagine this with a 1950s housewife and her corporate husband, in their picket fence house, doing that kind of hammy, over the top acting they only do in modern day versions of 1950s adverts.

MaullySterling

@squeakytoy oh wow. Please can we record that?

CuddlesByGracie

@MaullySterling
Seconded, in fact I'd love to see versions from everyone lol

CuddleDuncan

TV ad

Scene 1
A bedroom at night. There is somebody in the double bed. We hear crying. The camera moves in slowly, until we can see the face of the woman in the bed sobbing. As the camera moves across the room you will have noticed the half empty wardrobe, the empty bedside table on the other side of the bed, and a small stack of flat cardboard boxes: her partner has left her.

Scene 2
A kitchen, early evening. One of the windows is half boarded up with improvised materiels. A very depressed looking man comes into the room and puts a piece of paper on the table: it is a P45 (UK specific - he's lost his job). He shivers, and pulls his clothes around him - the room is cold. He puts a ready meal for one into the microwave and sets the timer for 3 minutes. After a few seconds the microwave stops and the light goes out - the power company have cut off the power.

Scene 3
A busy road bridge, high up. The camera starts far away and zooms in. We notice a young man standing at the railing admiring the view. As the camera gets closer we see that his clothing is somehow odd and inappropriate. He has one foot on the railing, and is absolutely still. As the camera comes round to reveal his face we can see the stillness and pain. Will he jump?

As the camera continues past him, he turns back to face into the bridge, and the other two characters are walking towards him.

Voiceover: "Do you just need a hug, a cuddle, somebody to hold you? Sometimes, we all do. Cuddle Comfort dot com. (Text with site name and logo appears.) You probably won't get a cuddle, but at least you'll be able to chat to other people who can't either."

@BuggleBear I like this imagery! It does fit well, doesn't it?

@MaullySterling @GracieGirl Oh man, it would be so much fun to hear these ads recorded!! Anyone got a voice for radio, a soundcloud account, some free time, some stuff to make cheap sound effects with, etc, and the inclination to do something like this? You will have a fan club.

CudlleComfort: Where charging $200+ per hour doesn't mean you are a prostitute but seems suspicious.

CuddleDuncan

TV ad

Scene 1
An ordinary residential street, day. A man is walking purposefully. He is somehow ambiguous: neither plain nor good looking, neither rich nor poor ... we are not sure if he is a goodie or a baddie.

Scene 2
Domestic kitchen, day. An mildly attractive woman of perhaps 50 is sitting at the table with her phone and laptop. The front door slams.
Young woman (off) - I'm here!
Older woman - Kitchen!
The grown-up daughter (mid twenties) comes into the kitchen, throwing off her coat, and they hug.

Scene 3
The man again, still walking. The camera follows him. His pace quickens slightly. Whatever he is going to do, he is going to do it soon.

Scene 4
The kitchen again. The table has the remains of tea and cake. The mother and daughter are engaged in conversation. The laptop is still open, but turned away from the daughter. We cannot see the screen.
Mum - You know my view, dear - you're well rid of him. But it's rubbish being dumped.
Daughter - OK, now don't freak out, but I've found this thing on the internet called Cuddle Comfort. You can meet people and be cuddle buddies, and just cuddle. Totally platonic. I met this guy and we just curled up on the couch. I couldn't date him - not with those hands - but he's really nice. It's fine, mum, it's perfectly safe as long as you tell somebody where you are going.
Mum - Well, as long as you are careful. Now I'm sorry to throw you out but that garden doesn't weed itself.

Scene 5
Street. The daughter comes out of the house and walks away, passing the man who is walking towards the house. His former ambiguity is gone now, and he is somewhat ominous.

Scene 6
The kitchen again. This time we can see the Cuddle Comfort website on the laptop screen. The mum is tidying away the tea, humming happiily to herself, when the doorbell rings. She rushes out to answer it, and a few seconds later she comes back into the room holding the the man by the hand. They smile and have a great big bear hug. It is clear that the mum already knew about Cuddle Comfort, and her cuddle buddy has arrived.

Scene 7
Graphic for Cuddle Comfort fills the sceen for a few seconds.

Scene 8
Kitchen. The man's clothes are in a pile on the floor. A large, bloody knife is on the table. There are awkwardly shaped cling film packages all over the place, and a used mop and bucket with other cleaning items. The mum, humming happily to herself, is putting what is clearly the man's head wrapped in cling film into the freezer.

Cuddle Comfort graphic comes up in the corner of the screen.

Voiceover: Cuddle Comfort dot com. It's perfectly safe as long as you tell somebody where you are going.

@CuddleDuncan Mother of God That was a twist!

CuddleDuncan

I believe that @GirlNextDoor_FL has pointed out the most important consideration. I would love to see ads driving increased traffic. Personally, 3X the current traffic seems perfect to me. However, up until now CC has drawn a self-selected audience. Advertisements may attract people who are not focused on CC’s core mission. Hopefully the ads would be sufficiently targeted.

cuddlerforu24

Ad for professional cuddling:

Professional Cuddling ,..... discreet , pay-per-meet...by the hour or overnight, one on one , contact “ _________”

CuddleDuncan

@cuddlerforu24 discreet? Why on earth would you have to be discreet?

If you think cuddling is shameful, you shouldn't be doing it.

If you think cuddling is shameful, then you are insulting me and everybody else who does it.

Please withdraw that offensive word.

cuddlerforu24

@CuddleDuncan how many pro cuddlers disclose name and home address ?

If you think discretion is being shameful you are insulting those who want to quietly go about their business and keep their cuddling to themselves

CuddleDuncan

@cuddlerforu24 Ah, so you are ashamed of being a cuddler. We should talk about that properly in a separate thread.

cuddlerforu24

@CuddleDuncan. ... that was the Ad . You dont have to respond to that one if you want public.

Oh man, I'm getting inspired here!

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CuddleDuncan

@squeakytoy that's awesome!

Would you do it, @CuddleDuncan ? Would you book a Ninja Cuddle if that was a thing?

I would absolutely not.

CuddleDuncan

What's wrong with you, @squeakytoy, I mean what's wrong with you?

To suggest that I might be a client, when it is so obvious that I would be the leading ninja cuddler in the ETNC (European Theatre of Ninja Cuddling). I am outraged. Outraged, I tell you!!!!!!

Oops, my mistake! Of course, it should have been so obvious, my apologies.

(As a side note, the domain ninjacuddlecomfort.com isn't claimed yet - maybe that's a sign that your 150k/year cuddling career is about to take off? LOL)

nurturingman

"You probably won't get a cuddle, but at least you'll be able to chat to other people who can't either." LMAO! @CuddleDuncan

CuddleDuncan

@squeakytoy

@nurturingman

I would love a ninja cuddle. Or any cuddles.

Someone cuddle me please, I'm decidedly un-cuddled.

Here's an ideal for a television ad!

Scene: A closeup of an eye in black and white. The eye does not blink, nor does it wander about. Cut to a shot of a baby sitting upright in a chair that resembles a skeletal hand. A man and woman stand beside the infant; they are well-kempt, the former clad in a sharp suit, the latter in an elegant dress. Their faces are devoid of any detail—save for thin-lipped mouths, which resemble crude gashes carved into otherwise pristine bars of soap. The adults are an arm's length away from the baby, who remains unblinking, unmoving, and silent. A bottle of wine appears in the woman's hand. A belt is suddenly cinched around the man's arm, and he holds a syringe; both of their "mouths" open, revealing blackness. From the flesh-chasms comes the snarling and barking and bellowing of beasts.

A closeup of the baby's eye. A blink.

Narrated, synched with the flicker of eyelids, screamed: "KALTES!"

A young boy sits in the grass, holding onto a rope. His visage is stern, as if he has contended with many horrors. Cut to a scene of children at play: two groups are engaged in a game of tug of war. All of the youths are clean. All are lacking faces. The shot widens. One end of the rope being used ends connected to the navel of an old man in priestly raiment—he holds aloft a crucifix that he thrusts at the children connected to his side of the rope. His mouth is a ragged wound that growls and shrieks escape from, and where his eyes should be are little circular mirrors covered in cracks. The other end of the rope is connected to a man in a suit. He holds a black flag that bears the words "Your Home" in a vivid crimson. He waves the flag vigorously. From his mouth comes screams imitating a grand song. One eye is a coin, while the other is an empty hole that seeps blood.

Cut back to the boy sitting alone with a rope, an end of which is tethered to a quivering pile of meat that dissolves and reconstitutes itself to form new glistening shapes at the speed of a heartbeat. The mass shifts faster and faster.

A closeup of the boy's eye. He blinks.

Narrator, howling, synchronized with the flutter of eyelids: "FLEISCH!"

A young man and woman are getting married. The man is dressed in a tuxedo, the woman in an austere wedding dress. They stand in a grey room devoid of decorations or furniture. Behind them is a priest, his eyes cracked mirrors, his mouth curled into a cruel grin as he mutters gibberish. A naked old man, his skin dragging across the floor in loose heaps, approaches the groom and affixes chains to his wrists. An obese nude woman waddles up to the bride, her corpulent form swelling and extending with the faces of babies struggling to escape her body, and wraps chains around the wrists of the bride. The old man and the rotund woman connect the pair of chains with an immense lock. The priest becomes silent. The groom kisses the bride's full lips as tears flow from their dull eyes. Both are unblinking. The old man and the fat woman cackle as the bride's skin shatters like porcelain, crumbling and turning into powder that blows away from the groom.

A closeup of the groom's eyes. He blinks. Synchronized to the shutting of eyelids, the narrator bellows: "HOHL!"

A man sits on a couch. There are lines in his face, and there are streaks of white in his hair. He is expressionless.

Another man of a similar age sits on the couch. He has kind eyes, a fine nose, and a well-maintained mustache. The two look at each other and smile. The mustached fellow rests his head on the protagonist's chest. Slowly, the protagonist wraps his arm around his friend. Both continue to smile.

The screen fades to black. The Cuddle Comfort logo appears, in color.