Is anyone else afraid to cuddle

olydan

So I'm new here and am quite nervous about the whole thing I've messaged someone that I liked just to say hello and she messaged back and thanked me and said when I'm ready that I can make an appointment but I'm terrified for I'm married and it feels like I would be cheating and I haven't had any affection in quite some time so this makes me nervous as well I really want to do this and think it would be beneficial for my mental health but know my wife would never understand what can I do to ease the situation.

sunnysideup

That is between you and your wife, since I don't know either of you, or what you consider to be boundaries in the relationship, I can't say what's right or what's wrong. The best thing would be to be honest with her.

If someone is in a relationship where they aren't getting what they need, and they've tried to make it work, and the other party won't let them get what they need, then as a general principle advise them to break up the relationship. A difficult decision that leads to long term happiness.

I_Am_Not_A_Cat

Honestly, you should be nervous. Your wife doesn't know because you consciously decided not to tell her. Even if she is ok with it, that you would make a deliberate decision to keep it hidden is extremely problematic. Look at it this way, let's say she doesn't think it's cheating, in and of itself. The fact that you thought she would disapprove of you having intimate, physical contact with another woman, so you did it anyway and just didn't tell her, could undermine her trust in you and the entire relationship. Since you even say it feels like cheating, and you seem to think your wife will see it that way, it makes it look like you are willing to cheat on her. And honestly, since you seem to be trying to talk yourself out of viewing it as cheating, I'm not really sure how I'd classify it, some grey zone between being faithful and cheating on her.

Not knowing the specifics, if there are confounding variables, such as your wife is abusive, that would make it somewhat more ethical. But then would it place your cuddle partner at risk if your wife found out who they were?

Definitely something to talk to your wife about, possibly with a counselor. Marriages are hard work and need a lot of open honest communication as well as patient and sincere listening from both parties.
I don't think there is anything wrong with platonic cuddling with many people, even when married. Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? Quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. They are ways of expressing and receiving love, one or two which is more natural to any specific person. Any way, all of these are welcomed and expected to be shown to anyone you have some kind of bond with. Physical touch just is so much more reserved than the rest, especially in American culture. American culture seems to have sexualized or made violent most touch. Even before covid the handshake was becoming less and less common. The only people who seem to receive physical affection outside of lovers are small children. As kids become teens we discourage hugs, holding hands, and other friendly physical affection.
I'm sorry you are touch deprived, I have been there my self. I hope you and your wife can come to a deep and loving understanding, and that you can find ways to fill that touch tank, without hurting your wife. All the best.

JasonCuddles

Have you tried telling your wife that your touch needs aren't being met?

Mare_Bear

@olydan, that's a tough one. I'm sorry you are going through that. Even though cuddling is G rated the deception is not healthy for a relationship.

cuddleYouMe

@Mare_Bear the idea is that cuddling SHOULD or CAN be g-rated, but cuddling is also a very broad term. People can say one thing but intend another, but that's largely why these things should be talked about early on and boundaries should be set, and before meeting any stranger you should take precautions and do what you can to verify them ahead of time.

I totally agree that if you're in a married or serious dating relationship, you should be open and upfront with your spouse/partner prior (especially/particularly if cuddling the opposite sex or if there's any possibility of romantic/sexual involvement or even the appearance of it). They may or may not be ok with it, regardless of whether it is G rated. In cases where touch needs aren't being met when you're in an already committed relationship, that should be discussed with the spouse

CuddleJay02

You only feel guilty the first time 😂. Don’t be nervous. Have in your mind that you are simply delivering some money to a girl who really needs it...and that you may have some casual “Isn’t this weather nice?” conversation. After you are there and chatting, you won’t be nervous.

Lovelight

@olydan how would you feel if she were going behind your back to cuddle with others?

Anthonyyy

It's hard to know what your wife or girlfriend thinks of your cuddling. I would recommend at least bringing up the conversation with her. To see what her opinions are. Maybe she would be in favor of it. And even recommend joining you or being apart of your cuddle sessions. If she doesn't think it's the right thing, then maybe there needs to be a conversation about more touching/ cuddling and connection inside of the relationship itself. Sometimes the lack of that in itself, creates the urge to seek it elsewhere.

pmvines

Terrified! That cuddling stuff is creepy

PeopleLikeUs

Just do it. Let the relationship fall where it may. This is who you are and your needs are going unmet. If this marriage is meant to work there will be nothing you can do to stop that from happening. If it's not meant to work, there will be nothing you can do to make it work. Be open, outward, verbal, and get your needs met. Your wife will either move into a new relationship with you or move on. You need a tactile partner. It could be your life with this woman is a lie. It could also be that she needs a tactile partner as well. Find out. Break this open. The opposite of love is fear.

cuddleYouMe

@Lovelight agreed. If in doubt, apply the golden rule, "do to others what you would like them to do to you". If you would be uncomfortable if your wife was going to other men to get her affection or emotional needs met without telling you, then imagine she would feel the same, and act accordingly.

Imo, thinking the marriage will "work if it's meant to work" aka that fate controls everything, is not a recipe for life success, and will just make your relationship spiral downward. We spend 12-16+ years getting educated to prepare and try to be successful for a job, why would marriage require less/no effort?

Marriage is something that takes communication and work to be successful, if you aren't having your affection needs met, how will she know unless you tell her? On the flipside, does she have some affection (or other) needs which aren't being met? Maybe in the same way you feel lacking in touch, she feels elsewhere in another area. Hence why communication is key (unless you've figured out a way to read minds)

PeopleLikeUs

@cuddleYouMe "why would marriage require less/no effort?" Because healthy relationships are not supposed to be a lot of work. They're made up of voluntary, free-flowing co-operation. Dysfunctional relationships require the most effort. Healthy relationships are easy and built on a foundation of comfort and contentment. And yes, you are correct about honesty being a key factor in that success. He has stated that his mental health is at stake and his "wife would never understand." He is living in fear of not only his wife but himself. Only truly loving people become real.

Hollydollhugs

I was actually in a marriage where I was touch deprived for 19 years. I divorced 16 months ago. If I had found something like this, I would have definitely brought it to the table. If my spouse got enraged because of it, maybe he would have received the wake up call he needed to meet my touch needs and then the cuddle pro wouldn’t have been needed. If he was absolutely against me making an appointment, I would have had to evaluate what I was doing in the marriage. if he couldn’t do one of the most simple acts of affection such as hugging and cuddling. Why I stayed as long as I did, under the conditions is a long story I won’t go into.
Do what you need to do for your own mental health, but I myself wish I had found something like this sooner. It could have changed my life path.

RoxannneFoxanne

@I_Am_Not_A_Cat you sound super judgemental and condemning. People come to these forums not to be shamed, but for guidance. And saying that he sounds like he wants to cheat?? Please do not make harsh assumptions and come to these posts with an own heart and mind. He’s clearly struggling with it so why make the guy feel worse? Sheesh

@olydan I would say honesty is key. Have an open, transparent discussion with your wife about this. But don’t feel bad for wanting to cuddle other people to have your needs met 🙂 if you’re honest, no harm is done right? Good luck!

7776789

I was in the same situation. Married 12 years with very little affection from my wife. Six months ago I asked her to go to counseling with me but she refused. If you’ve brought this concern up to her that she isn’t affectionate enough and if she can’t change and be more affectionate then I would recommend proceeding with cuddling and or getting divorced. I’m now in the process of getting divorced and the cuddling has been very beneficial to me.

olydan

Thanks too everyone for your thoughts and comments it is much appreciated and very helpful.