Everyone is faking it

Big_Chris

We've all heard "fake it 'till you make it" and I've spent a lot of time waiting for the 'made it' part to begin. Every stage of life has been strange and interesting and difficult in a way that I feel like the next stage I'll have everything figured out. After the next move or next job or next month I'll finally have everything together.

Until then I fake that I have it all together. Except, everyone I talk to is also just pretending to know what they're doing because inside we're all worried, confused, and scared we're not good enough.

There is no horizon over which lies the beginning of your life. This pretending and hoping everything will be OK is how things are, and that's fine. Everyone is doing their best to make sense of this crazy world and seem like they know what they're doing. You're enough. Whatever stage you're in IS living. It's OK to not know what you're doing, nobody else knows either. We're just faking it.

Once you get over the stinging ego bit, or at least learn to accept it, there is a great deal of freedom in the knowledge that you are not enough, and never will be.

Many philosophies call this “humbleness” and it is seen as one of the paths of enlightenment.

As Mr Lennon said,

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy
Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy
There's nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

JoyfulHeart

I'm more real than I used to be, and I like the difference.

ILikeWarmHugs

@Big_Chris This resonates with me so hard. And I know others will find this relatable as well. We are all just wanting to figure life out, but life is an ongoing exploration that I don’t think we’ll ever fully understand. The challenges and trials, the “why the hell is this happening to me” moments, the “I’m on top of the world” moments…all a part of that rollercoaster we call life.

Yea…I feel like I’m faking it every day and I never truly thought of it that way until reading this. Thank you for this perspective.

There is more strength in the humility to know and accept that it’s okay to not be okay, rather than putting on the facade for others. We all want to be seen as though we have it all together, but I truly believe it’s more powerful to own your vulnerabilities.

I absolutely used to be subscribed to this idea that everyone I knew had to see that I had it all together. However, I remember a work mentor I admired being the example and showing vulnerability when they felt it. They would answer “I have no clue; I’ll have to research that” in meetings with CEOs and people really respected the honesty and self awareness.

My point is, we need to quit thinking we have to put on a front for others because we don’t owe anyone a facade -it takes more out of our inner peace to “fake it”. We owe ourselves realistic expectations, humility, and understanding.

Spud424

Deleted

Big_Chris

@ILikeWarmHugs

I'm glad this connected with you. I felt very similar until the people I looked up to shared with me their personal trails and worries. I cleared a big hurdle at work and I landed in a higher circle, only to find that everyone there was just as desperate to pull together and make sense of the chaos. I had hoped for them to share the wisdom of "getting it" so I, too, could ascend. What they gave me instead was permission to fail and peace with that.

@CharlesThePoet

The ego is often ironically the most vulnerable. Accepting that is certainly difficult but so freeing once you are able to shed the responsibility of "becoming".

Lovelight

From reading your post and the responses it got, I've concluded it's safe to say the middle ground is:

• "We are enough, just not for everyone, every situation and all the time." *

The quote "Don't judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree" comes to mind.

Speaking of putting on a facade, it's crucial that we seek good mutual support systems with whom we can 'let our hair down' around every now and then. So we can feel heard, understood and accepted for our beauty and blemishes. Cause it's not healthy to always have our guard up and I believe there's someone for everyone, just a matter of finding. And that finding in part depends on allowing ourselves to be found.

PS. It seems in a way you can actually judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. Just depends on the type of fish - http://thescienceexplorer.com/nature/flexible-fins-allow-fish-climb-trees 😅

Mela_B

I've faked it and I've made it, and both are ok. Intention is the important part.

blisscuddles

Faking it to build up a skill like speaking in public or exuding confidence is great to train your mind. Faking it to please others like living beyond your means is probably going to have the opposite effect of making it.

Such a timely, needed reminder...
I've recently discovered that these multiple, reincarnated lives we live have little more relevance than a sunlit sparkle on an eternal ocean. Of course we're "faking" it--- there is no "it" to aspire to!
The relief I've found in no longer marching to the drum of society is amazing. Who are they to tell you that you, in all your human glory, are not "enough"?? Each sparkle brought in its own collection of patterns-- it's our job to find and expand those very personal, very powerful trends. And, don't forget, our entire purpose, as human, sentient beings, is to EXPERIENCE...since we ARE the "experiencing function" of the Life that permeates all of Creation!
If only we realized...deeply internalized AND "made real" the truth of how precious, incredible, and wonderful EACH of us really is, THAT would put to rest the entire idea of "faking" it! lol
I'm deeply, deeply grateful to know that, when it's all said and done, we would have been better off discovering who we REALLY were, instead of trying to shoe horn ourselves into some preconceived role that a PROFOUNDLY SICK SOCIETY needs us to play to keep this sick nonsense going...
Thanks for the reminder!
Imajen

cuddles_ndream

If what the op wrote is true, than today is a very sad day in the world.

cuddles_ndream

@Artemis095 💯 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

@Big_Chris some of the tension in my neck just released reading this. Thank you

Big_Chris

@cuddles_ndream I believe it to be true, as self-doubt seems to be inherent to the human condition. Even the narcissists are concerned with their ability to be enough.

I dont think it's sad, I find it humbling to know that even the people I revere, past and present, were just doing their best. They weren't sure if it was the right thing to do, or if it was good enough. They were struggling like all of us.

I don't know if it's true. It could be that those most sure of themselves feel no imposter syndrome. Maybe the great men and women of the past knew what they were doing. I've yet to meet someone like that. In fact, I've found those who project the strongest sense of surety are more trying to convince themselves.

@Chris55555 I'm glad it was helpful!

cuddles_ndream

Ive found those who project the strongest sense of surety are more trying to convince themselves - @Big_Chris

Only in movies have I seen such projections … the sad part indeed is that people are more concerned with projecting (or in this case, faking) to others. they are more concerned with what others perceive of them, than their own happiness / struggles / accomplishments / & the list goes on …

when you worry about what others think about you, that’s the moment you stop living for you, & you start living for them. - that’s not life

Edit : Movies & social media.

CuddleKhat72

Just be yourself dude and you'll find life is better that way. When you fake it you're only trying to please others at the expense of your own reality.

TheFunCartel

I've found those who project the strongest sense of surety are more trying to convince themselves.

Interesting that someone who admits they do not have it figured out is so sure what others are doing. I say that not as a jump off point for ridicule, but rather as an illustration of what the main problem with all humanity is…judgement. Judgement can be the right tool for the job in many situations—such as should I make this left turn on a yellow light because that car coming the other way looks far enough away—but too often we (I do mean that in the all of us sense) use it as a weapon of self-destruction (WSD). This is what we should have been looking for instead of WMDs. We are busy judging others because the HABIT of judging is already internalized by our own self-criticisms, media and social media that judgement is a negative habit and it is quite addictive. We judge ourselves over things only we notice, enabling our petty judgements to become second nature in our perception of others. It’s poisonous and a life long struggle to contain it—at least if we are being brutally honest. I see no cure for it beyond a daily self confession that yes, I really am that flawed and finding fault with others is one of those flaws.

No whips were involved.

littermate

I don't fake it. I'm a human. I'm good at some stuff. I suck at some stuff.

quixotic_life

@Big_Chris I'm loving this thread!!!

I personally don't have any idea how to fake anything. Which could be part of why I haven't "made it". And though others make positive remarks about my being good at things like MacGyvering, quick shift kid wrangling or emergency response, I'm more prone to calling out my deficits. Judgment runs deep in me and contributes further reasoning for having not made it.

But I think even more than those, is that for as much as I think predominantly in pictures, I have no clear vision of what "making it" might mean for me... Would I even recognize "it" if I arrived?? All I can do is my best and hope for some grand fan fare if I ever get there... I'd hate to look back and realize I'd missed it.

cookiecrumb

I think the dichotomy that is being fleshed out in this thread is: 1) speak truth into existence, and 2) use speech to cover up truth. An example might be, one who is deeply in debt, but trying to get out of it says in the mirror to oneself each morning, "I make financially sound decisions so I can be financially strong" until one becomes financially strong. Another one, who is also deeply in debt, may say to oneself in the mirror each morning, "I am wealthy and prosperous and I have it all together." The first is speaking one's actions into existence; the second is deceiving oneself. The first is "faking it until he makes it"; the second is just faking it. The first is reminding himself of the kind of decisions he needs to make to become financially strong, to make the reality he is speaking in to. The second is reminding himself of a reality that does not exist.

This can apply to multiple aspects of life, One who is abuse may say, "I am valuable." One who is struggling with turmoil may say, "I have peace." One who is learning a new skill may say, "I am talented." Self talk is important, and speaking things into existence is an important to that. We can speak terrible things into existence, too. "I am worthless." "I suck." "I'm hopeless." These will become reality just as easily as the positive things. Words are important. It is so much more important to remind ourselves and each other of the goodness of one another in a cut-throat world of judgmentalism. Say a kind word to a mean person, that mean person may become kind.

UKGuy

I've never faked anything. If you get to know me, it's the real me. I've never felt I had to figure life out. It just comes at you and you deal with it. So long as you learn from your mistakes, you will be ok. It's those who keep repeating the same mistakes who have a hard time. I did read a lot of self-help books in my younger days.

Big_Chris

Interesting that someone who admits they do not have it figured out is so sure what others are doing. I say that not as a jump off point for ridicule, but rather as an illustration of what the main problem with all humanity is…judgement.

@FunCartel

Hah! You got me there. I suppose judging others is in my nature, in the MBTI sense we judge to make sense of the world. I speak from personal experience with what others have shared with me, and I think my perception of them is more genuine than the idea that they are more put-together than I am. Thank you for sharing your perspective, I agree that we should focus inward instead of looking outward for validation. However; I think judging others in the sense of organizing and making inferences on behavior is a valuable tool for safety and understanding.

@cookiecrumb thank you for illustrating the differences between being fake and projecting good vibes into the world. My original intention was towards the unhelpful kind of 'faking it'. I think it's important to tell yourself good things.

@quixotic_life This IS it! That's the point of my original post, there is no fanfare or big hurdle to clear. You're living it right now! Always have been 😁

I, for one, do not have the foggiest idea what's going on. 🤷‍♀️

Babichev

Dictionary definition of fake, verb: to forge or counterfeit something

I don’t accept everyone is faking it. Faking implies deceit.

Some of us are doing some things with a high degree of confidence, some not. It depends. Figuring it out as you go along is not faking, it’s exploration, ad lib.

We can lie to ourselves or to others to what degree we know what we’re doing but that’s not the same thing.

The other day I had to do something familiar in an unfamiliar situation. I had to figure it out as I went along. It wasn’t faking. I brought to it a high level of experience that allowed me, in this unfamiliar environment, to experiment until I found the most effective approach in that different environment. I wasn’t faking it, I was completely open to those present about what I was doing. I didn’t need to tell them, they already knew.

If one wants to use the term “faking” loosely to mean figuring it out as you go along, I don’t have an issue with that as long as it’s not implied that everyone is being disingenuous by doing that. They aren’t. Just because we don’t already know the answer to a problem doesn’t mean that the process of solving the problem is inauthentic.

I prefer to think of it as a process of experimentation and discovery.

I don't agree with this at all.

"We're just faking it."

This is judgement. This statement bullies subjectivity into objectivity and the real question starter to your point. What exactly are we faking? Keeping it together? What defines that? What exactly is, "keeping it together?" When you use, "we're," you're assuming the entire human population is faking it or your'e trying to create a team to buy into this narrative.

"Except, everyone I talk to is also just pretending to know what they're doing because inside we're all worried, confused, and scared we're not good enough."

How do you know? What makes you think people walk the same path in this direction? What's the influence for the assumption?

"This pretending and hoping everything will be OK is how things are, and that's fine."

Again, another assumption.

Believe it or not, we all go through struggle and some actually openly struggle and not pretend and are open about it without fear of judgment. Some of us actually accept who we are and how we perceive and aren't confused or worried.

Babichev

Maybe the OP is right, they know something I don’t know, everyone is faking it, and I just didn’t get the memo.

TheFunCartel

@saysoh You are so right on your points.

@Babichev

"Maybe the OP is right, they know something I don’t know, everyone is faking it, and I just didn’t get the memo."

Interesting you made this comment directly after I made one which contradicts your previous comment. Maybe I'm reading too deep, but the immediate contradiction makes me feel sarcasm was thrown. Or maybe I'm just too high to grasp context.

Big_Chris

@Babichev and @Saysoh,

I appreciate both of your perspectives. I feel that the spirit of my original post may have been misrepresented by my ineffective use of language. Please allow me to reposition myself by clarifying my viewpoint:

The strong and influential people I have been fortunate to meet have, at times, left a sense of awe in me. I was guilty of putting them on a pedestal, and from my perspective they seemed so much more prepared than myself to tackle life's adversities. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy and anxiety that they seemed so immune to.

Upon closer examination, I realized that they, too, were flawed and struggling in the same way that I was. They tried not to show their inner struggles in circles where it wasn't appropriate, especially in the military where I'm drawing much of this experience. They were happy to share their inner and imperfect selves with me when I got closer to them both personally and professionally.

This gave me the revelation that we were all just flawed humans, doing our best. I thought that if leaders of the military that exuded confidence were just as unsure about things as I was, wasn't everyone?

This, too, is of course an unfair generalization. I'm sure that there are people out there who have genuine and justified confidence. More power to them. I think it's still important to see that all humans are flawed, and the people we look up to are also struggling with what we struggle with.

'Fake' carries too much other connotations and I think probably should have been worded different, though I'm glad to have sparked discourse. It also makes a better tagline

TheFunCartel

@Big_Chris This was a revelation? I think it is pretty common knowledge that humans are inherently flawed—every single one of us. You were really lost if you thought perfection lay around the bend in anyone. I am just scratching my head that anyone would be surprised by people being flawed especially in the age of social media, hidden cameras, and the internet where our foibles are displayed 24/7.