Professional Cuddler Finds Out Client Isn’t Truthful With Their Spouse/S.O.

Char0818

It is important to me that my actions don’t hurt others. It is for this reason I won’t cuddle with anyone whose spouse or significant other doesn’t know/they are intentionally hiding their cuddling activities from. I had a guy in a situation like this who said that he wanted to cuddle. I tried to gently let him know that this was something that he could express to his wife he needed and that she could preform as an Act of Service, the only method by which she was willing to show affection. When he continued to talk about wanting to cuddle, I told him that I believe if your partner would be hurt by your actions, which he said she would be 🚩 and why I could contact him by means that she wouldn’t detect 🚩 then it is cheating even though you don’t have sex. I was accused of being “judgmental” and “wanting to change him from his as-is state”. #AITA
I was also wondering if professional cuddlers could set the same kind of boundaries.

WriterGF

I'm sure some do. Even though there is no romance/sex going on, it can be hard to prove that, and the last thing anyone needs is to be named a co-respondent in someone's divorce.

MxSmith

I'm sorry you felt morally not ok with this situation. I can certainly understand and empathize; however, my view is that people's relationship status is not any of my business and I respect their privacy. If they are choosing to take part in an activity that would emotionally hurt someone else, thats their decision not mine. My highest value is personal autonomy and I respect other people's right to their own moral views, opinions, and decisions. I think you have every right to set a boundary if his status makes you uncomfortable. Personally it does not make me uncomfortable and I don't want to put effort into policing relationships.

Sheena123

Professional cuddlers can set whatever boundaries they need in order to feel safe (unless it’s discriminatory against age, race,gender) I feel the same as MxSmith. I stay out of all that. It’s in their hands. Whether they want to be open with their spouse or not, has nothing to do with me. I know for a fact, if I made it a requirement that your spouse knows, they would lie to me. 100%. I’m not a marriage counsellor and I’m not about to call their spouse and make sure lol
That’s on them. I’m merely here to give men some validation in their feelings and give some platonic affection. Usually during my snuggles, if they start talking about their wife or partner, I might ask questions asking why the spouse won’t give affection and dig around a bit respectfully if they’re ok with it, but that’s as far as I go.

With you just being an enthusiast, you’re free to pick and choose whomever you want to meet. If that’s a requirement to go forward, they should respect that. Just be prepared for some to lie about it…

Char0818

@MxSmith and @Sheena123 , that is why I was questioning whether that was something that it was appropriate to expect of myself; though the cloak-and-dagger aspect was over-the-top.

Char0818

@WriterGF , agreed!

mc_quiettime

It’s your prerogative as to who you want to cuddle with or not and why. Going out on a limb here (or not 😉), I would guess that most married men or men in a relationship find themselves here because they are not getting the affection they crave or intimacy they miss at home. It’s a safe place to get away from every day stress while feeling that closeness with another person. I can see your side where you feel that your actions are hurting the relationship but really you’re providing a therapeutic type of service that might be helping your client in a big way.

Sheena123

@mc_quiettime In case you were talking directly to the OP, she’s not a pro.

sillysassy

@Char0818 WELCOME TO THE SITE!!! 😊😊😊 As a female ENTHUSIAST I can relate to your struggle with who you are going to cuddle with. I experience a different feeling compared to a PRO and what it is they offer to a client. Every relationship is complex and I do feel like its not extremely black and white. For example, one beautiful human I met has an S.O. who has a mental disability and isn't even available in the home. They are still "legally" married as it provides a way to keep care of the spouse. That is a slightly different situation than the partner who says "they won't hug me like I want"

I completely COMPLETELY agree with @MxSmith and @Sheena123 that I do not have any desire to police someone else's relationship and tell them what they should or should not do, because I am only responsible for me. I don't want the complications that come with someone who is in a marriage and trying to sneak around but I don't have a reason to tell them how THEY should behave and be their moral compass.

Thank you for being here and for asking big questions. It also brings up the issues related to attachment to a cuddler that might not be reciprocated and the urge to push boundaries because someone's needs aren't being met at home. It opens a big can of worms that aren't always easy to figure out.

This is one of the biggest reasons that I love our beautiful professionals of every gender. They have the ability to provide a service that promotes healing but in a different manner than us enthusiasts.

@mc_quiettime I'm not sure if you understand that the OP is coming from an enthusiast perspective but I agree with you about our fantastic PRO's!!

I can see your side where you feel that your actions are hurting the relationship but really you’re providing a therapeutic type of service that might be helping your client in a big way.

@WriterGF a "co-respondent" 😂😂😂😂😂😂 I almost spit out my coffee hahahahahhahaha

WriterGF

@sillysassy Well, I am glad you got a laugh, but not sure why. It is a possibility. If A and B are married, and B finds out A is getting into bed with someone else, how likely are they to believe nothing is going on? And if they are a vindictive sort, they certainly could name the person they are getting into bed with in the divorce. If I had been cuddling during my marriage, particularly during the last couple years of it, my ex would have been screaming "Adultery!" at the top of her lungs.

sillysassy

OH Mr. @WriterGF I thoughts you were making a divorce joke! Sorry!!

I was laughing because even though we might want to bring the adulteress or aldulterer into court and petition the courts to take action against them for adultery as well as against the spouse, most states are "no-fault" and only the petitioner and respondent can be involved in the court proceedings a "co-petitioner" is a legal thing when people get divorced amicably and file the paperwork together because they agree on everything but I've never heard of a "co-respondent" as regards divorce. You and I have both gone through divorce proceedings and I was hearing your text with a little bit of humor. I completely agree that people scream adultery even if it is just platonic friendships and I can totally relate to vindictive sorts. Sorry.....

Sorry @Char0818 for derailing your post with my silly sense of humor!! That is why I put it in spoiler fashion.

mc_quiettime

@sillysassy I didn’t realize that but I think most of what I wrote applies to a Pro or enthusiast.

PeopleLikeUs

The need for tactile interaction is innate. People in early-stage divorce need to be held probably even more so than others. Same with someone attached to another that's dying. No one that needs to be cuddled should be denied that because of some invisible set of relationship rules. Cuddling this guy that is keeping it secret from his wife may be helping his and her marriage. They also may be falling apart because she's not tactile and he's just coming to that realization. There are so many factors involved with a troubled marriage and to say that cuddling someone secretly may be the cause of someone else's suffering... whose pain is greater? His or her's? Why make a call on that? You could just as easily be helping her to resolve her issues without even knowing or interacting with her at all.

RadiantHugs

@Char0818 The question you really should ask is this - would you rather he come to you, or go on tinder or some hookup site and have his needs met that way? Clearly he knows that he can do that, but is choosing not to (okay I don't know that, maybe he's doing that too.) Why do you think that is? In the context of that, what you are doing is certainly not causing harm. If anything, you are preventing it.

WriterGF

@CuddlesByDeep He may not want to be visible on a dating site (what if one of her friends spots his profile)? He also may simply not want to jump from a bad marriage to another romantic relationship when all he needs is touch.

TwoPMcoffee

My husband thinks me talking to the male Starbucks barista is cheating so…..he definitely wouldn’t think this is ok at all no matter who it’s with.

Rezz

@TwoPMcoffee

Jesus. That breaks my heart. I hope you find a way to break away from such a controlling and toxic relationship love. You deserve better. hugs

Babichev

Here is the dilemma: A and B are married. A needs cuddling. B doesn’t. B does not want A to go outside of the marriage to get cuddling but refuses to provide A the cuddling they need. A is forced to choose: suffer from having their need for cuddling unmet or suffer from deceiving B. When we demand fidelity from someone but refuse to fill their needs, we make an unreasonable demand.

As a massage therapist, I’ve occasionally faced this over the years. It’s always been a man who wanted massage but did not want their wife to know. I never asked the reasons, just complied with their request not to put them on my mailing list. On a few occasions, there were other reasons: the person was a minister in a conservative congregation and did not want anyone to know they had gotten massage.

I think if someone were in that situation it would be best to see a pro rather than an enthusiast. As I massage therapist, I did not discriminate on the basis of marital status and I doubt that my licensing board would have accepted that kind of discrimination.

ClubSamwiches

I try not to judge people’s personal live, but when i do, I try not to pass my judgement to them. Your beliefs and red flags are valid, but also different than others. You’re allowed to have that boundary and telling him you’re not a good match should suffice. If he won’t accept no for an answer, block.

JasonCuddles

I've dealt a little with this. A major factor for me is not wanting the drama that could happen. I would rather not deal with that.

RadiantHugs

@WriterGF says: He also may simply not want to jump from a bad marriage to another romantic relationship when all he needs is touch.

Yes, my point exactly. All affairs happen because one (or both) partners have some need which is not being met. In this case it is likely touch. Or perhaps simply the need for being received, seen, and held in a non-judgemental space. Whatever it is, getting those needs met through a platonic partner such as one can find here is far less damaging to the relationship than the alternatives (affairs, divorce, etc.) It is also much more likely to bring healing than those alternatives.

Amortentia

I don't personally mind if my cuddlers tell their s.o. person or not. It isn't my business who they do nonsexual things with or who they tell. BUT I do try to avoid cuddling with married people at least. If they have never been married but are dating someone then I don't mind. I guess everyone is different on things like this. I also know if I marry then I won't cuddle with others either.

coregulate

I used to be very uncomfortable cuddling with married people who were hiding it from their spouses.

But. When someone is struggling and needs comfort, who am I to judge? I am a care provider. As long as someone doesn't violate my boundaries, their stuff outside of the session is not for me to dicate or pass judgement on.

I've also never dated anyone who classified cuddling as cheating, so I can't really understand that kind of relationship rule. Cuddling is healthy and it can't give you an std. I guess covid is sort of like a cuddling transmitted disease lol!

Melancholy

That's kind of like a massage therapist asking someone their marital status. It really shouldn't matter.
Its platonic cuddling. Yes some people think just smiling at someone of the opposite sex is cheating..but that isn't the pro cuddler's business.

Char0818

@WriterGF @MxSmith @Sheena123 @mc_quiettime @sillysassy @PeopleLikeUs @CuddlesByDeep @TwoPMcoffee @Babichev @SweetiSammi @JasonCuddles @Amortentia @vivalalife @Melancholy thank you all for your perspectives. I was intending to frame the question to ask about both enthusiast and professional perspectives.

Char0818

@TwoPMcoffee I hope that you find a way to be safe and healthy.

@Char0818 If cuddling with someone who is married or in a relationship means I need to get involved in lying, ducking, diving and hiding, or I need to worry about an irate significant other, then I won't want to cuddle with them. I don't need the stress.

robroo

@Char0818 did you ever consider that a guy was put in this situation? So what are guys supposed to do when there is no hope for change? I guess drugs and alcohol are an acceptable alternative. Because that's where it ends up. Many females (for the sake of this discussion) either don't have the time or don't want to make the time for their spouse/SO. They think they can have everything and do everything they want in life and at the end of the day, week, month there is no time left for the relationship. You certainly have the right to choose who you cuddle with but I think you are being judgemental and insensitive. If someone was about to commit suicide, would you care about anything other than helping them? Or would you say "you're not worth helping because you don't meet my requirements"? I believe the spirit of cuddling is much more than that. Yes It can be deeply intimate but it is also caring, nurturing or simply just being there for someone when everyone else is too busy. And that is what we all need regardless of what a piece of paper says or who we live with. Thank you to all the cuddlers who truly care about everyone and what you do. And if this post causes me to never cuddle again, so be it. Guess I'll go grab a beer.

Sheena123

@robroo that doesn’t make her insensitive. She has her boundaries to what makes her safe and she doesn’t owe anybody her time. She’s not even a pro so she’s perfectly in her place to choose who she would feel comfortable cuddling with. To suggest that she’s uncaring or rude or even responsible for someone else’s mental health is ludicrous. Many men also don’t leave much room for their spouses as well so this isn’t a situation that’s reserved for men only. I believe she’s just talking about how uncomfortable it is for her to cuddle with someone who is married. Doesn’t have to be gender specific. She can decide for herself what makes her feel safe and relaxed.

These situations don’t have to end in drugs and alcohol. There are plenty of options for people to seek connections anywhere, man or woman. To say that the decisions she’s made to feel safe are the end all, be all to a mans mental health is a bit too presumptuous. She’s not the only enthusiast out there and if someone’s mental health is so badly affected by her choices that it drives you to think of suicide, I think therapy is a better choice instead of guilting a person into cuddling you. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MCcuddles2

I spent a year and a half studying krav maga, one of the most brutal martial arts.

My instructor was sleeping with a married woman. When the man came home, the instructor was taking a shower. The man barged into the bathroom. My instructor repetitively kicked this man in his man parts. (Krav maga is about survival and teaches a lot of eye gouges and groin attacks). The man was so full of adrenaline and anger that kicks from this trained warrior didn't even register.

My high school guidance counselor was stabbed to death by a jealous separated husband. She ws stabeed 48 time, if I remember correctly.

Cuddling isn't equal to sleeping with someone, obviously, but messing with jealous suspicious spouses is a risky business.

WriterGF

What's a guy supposed to do? I don't know, how about get a divorce if you're miserable?