Awkwardness in the Machine

bb_hippo

So, I had browsed cuddlers & enthusiasts in my area sporadically over the past several days, just to get acquainted with the community. I got my age settings in order, along with gender and distance, etc. and that’s when it happened.

Dramatic pause

I added someone to my favorites, and then noticed they were a few years below my lowest age setting, AND that I am a few years above their highest age setting!

cue the distant thunder and screams of horror

This problem was easily fixed by removing the individual from my favorites. But I can imagine easily overlooking this. I probably already have.

I wonder why people with incompatible age preferences are not automatically hidden from each other’s search results. It’s not so much of an inconvenience as it is my vigilance when it comes to respecting boundaries. Being (in most cases) the older of the pair, I’m not on the “exploited” end of a potential power-imbalance, but it’s still something I’d like to be considerate of. You know?

Does anyone else feel the same way? (Or, perhaps I am not navigating the preferences properly)

cuddles_ndream

I’ve noticed before that age search filters reset themselves after a while, (not sure if this has happened to others), but what I recommend is to check your filter settings right before you’re about to do a search. And no, I’ve never felt frustration from matching with folks outside my age preference … since I’m active on the forums, I’ve come across members who I think are completely amazing / sweet / & or whatever the case may be, & they happen to be younger (or older) than I would prefer (by younger I mean more than 10 years younger than me, where I feel we can’t relate for the most part) & by older I mean close to my mom’s age, I’d be more comfortable if my cuddle partner was a couple years younger than my mom, but I happen to gravitate towards them, click on their profiles , realize their age being outside my preference & feel wow, I would have missed out on them had it not been for the forum lol, & I favorite them. I’ve also come across awesome members outside my preferred distance , & favorite them as well (and the list goes on) … so no, it isn’t “bad” or frustrating, but good & nice … if age wasn’t a requirement or included here (considering everyone is of age ofcourse), than I would go off personality 1st & than pics … big fan of reading profiles where I get a sense of someone this way as well.

UCpaaHVg6u0

"Power imbalance"? We shouldn't have children on the site. Otherwise, what is the age preference about besides wrinkles and smells and bad experiences with being hit on in the past? We also have race filters, which I'm somewhat uncomfortable acknowledging. We probably ought to encourage uniting as a community of friends, as an ideal.
I hope that I don't catch myself saying that I can't relate to people who are more than ten years different in age!

sillysassy

@bb_hippo Hi there! Welcome to the site. 😊 Thank you for filling out your profile and adding all your fun pictures!! The "Give me space!" NASA one is fun.....

This age subject has been an interesting discussion on a lot of different levels, and for me its always fun to hear a new perspective. Thank you for being willing to start a thread.... Its a brave thing to do, in my opinion!

As far as the site filtering out someone based on their preferences as opposed to your preferences...... I was pondering that question and what I realized is that I REALLY appreciate it when someone takes the time to read my profile and I make sure to do the same. I agree with what you said that it is on the person who is searching to be vigilant and respectful. Thank you for that statement!!

Its not so much of an inconvenience as it is my vigilance when it comes to respecting boundaries.

When I glance at someone's profile, I immediately look at what they've put in all of their sections.... Age is just one of them. They might say "I only cuddle with people who have blue eyes" and that's fine. I can read their About Me section and know if we might make a good fit for cuddling based on a lot of different details. So the site might have to do a LOT of different things in order to "match" cuddlers, and I don't think that is quite what the founders are trying to do....

matching with folks

It also seems like there's a lot of the cuddle world that has to do with connecting within the community as well as getting together to cuddle. (i.e. I am out of your cuddle range but I still added you to my favorites.) I'm going to be traveling and I might reach out to someone like you that has a great profile and say something like "Hi there! I know you are new to this idea of cuddling and I am also aware that I am out of your age range but would you be at all interested in chatting about your experiences and what brought you to Cuddle Comfort? I want to honor you and your boundaries so please let me know if you'd rather I not message you and in the meantime.... Welcome to the site and May the Cuddle Gods be Ever in Your Favor!!!"

In fact.... Just a few days ago I was chatting with someone and they said "I don't even like that category of age and I'm trying to figure it out.... Maybe I'll just change it!"

There's a lot of new to this platform of platonic cuddles and I think there are many people who are unsure and change those settings often. I guess that's why I'm not very frustrated because looking at the different profiles helps me understand a lot more about the cuddle world as a whole but I can see that it would be annoying for some.

cuddles_ndream

I hope that I don't catch myself saying that I could relate to people who are 18 years old when I’m 58.

UCpaaHVg6u0

@cuddles_ndream It's not clear to me what your issue with age tranches is. We are not essentially different with age. I work with mostly younger people, actually. Interestingly, out of all the people younger than me, I have been their exact ages at various times in my life. That makes them relatable. I sense this is more about psychological projection, and ageism.

cuddles_ndream

@UCpaaHVg6u0 i don’t have an issue with age “tranches”, but I do have an issue with you having an issue with my age preferences.

UCpaaHVg6u0

@cuddles_ndream Ah, you took it personally. Sorry I used your example. I don't even know you. Maybe the difference isn't clear, but I was talking about a behavior and not your character. In response, you implied something about my character. We should all relax, okay?

cuddles_ndream

@UCpaaHVg6u0 I actually found the topic of “perspective” interesting …you find yourself comfortable cuddling someone whose 18 at 58, (which is ok, its not illegal) & I wouldn’t feel comfortable cuddling someone whose 18 at 58 (nor at 37 now), but like I mentioned before in my original response to the o.p., I have favorite people outside my age preference after getting a sense of who they are & their personalities on the forum : )

UCpaaHVg6u0

@cuddles_ndream Again, the implication of something immoral (yet legal) going on... Which is what I was going off of in the first place. I don't understand the difficulty of relating to another human because of a 10+ year age difference. I ought to have asked you that directly, why is that uncomfortable?
BTW I'll be occupied for the next 2 hours...

cuddles_ndream

@UCpaaHVg6u0 I’m glad you’ve been enlightened… going to get ready for work now, I’ll be busy for the next 45 minutes or so, but than I’ll be headed to work, I go to meal around 7:00pm eastern time so I’ll be occupied for the next 5 hours.

Babichev

People contact each other for non-cuddling reasons. Even before I was a moderator I got messages from people commenting on things I’d said in the forums or asking questions. They would not have been able to contact me.

If someone gets messages from another member they’d rather not, they can ignore them or block them. It’s easy enough to pay attention and just do it yourself.

bb_hippo

@Babichev That’s super functional to the site and makes sense.

I’m more referring to who shows up in filtered searches. I took for granted that those in my search results were 25+. When I realized I bookmarked someone who was 19, I wasn’t annoyed or disturbed by it. My concern is that she’ll be creeped out when she sees that someone who’s 6 years older than her set max age has added her to his favs.

But it’s not a major crisis. That’s why I used the word “awkwardness” in the heading.

xandriarain

In terms of being able to relate to someone, I think age has very little to do with it. While it can be cool if you had similar things growing up like technology and media that’s only one small part of a person. I can sometimes relate to people pretty far apart in age both younger and older due to having gone through similar life experiences or just having personalities that mesh well together. I’ve also met people closer in age that I honestly didn’t feel much of a connection with. While I don’t think there’s a problem with age preferences it’s important to keep an open mind. I had one client who was hesitant to meet me due to me being so much younger but when we met in person we realized we had a ton in common, similar life struggles and personality types.

Babichev

Do people even see it if we add them to our favorites?

sillysassy

@Babichev @bb_hippo Nobody but you can see your favorites. Its sort of like a bookmark for you. Which I find to be very helpful!!

Travismo

On a related note, is there a way to view profiles without notifying them? I’ll often click on a profile just cause I’m curious like a cat and sometimes if the individual in question is a pro they might misconstrue that as me being interested in meeting them. It makes me hesitant to look at profiles for fear of coming off as creepy. I’m sure that’s more of a “me” problem, but all the same.

bb_hippo

Thank you @sillysassy for the kind and thoughtful response.

What you’re saying makes sense to me— putting it on ourselves/each other to navigate issues of boundaries rather than make the search mechanism so convoluted that no one shows up in anyone’s results.

I appreciate the scenario you depicted wherein someone who might not tick every box on our chart of preferences is in our area and contacts us for a chat. That would delight me. That’s in a large part due to the fact that I’m not very hung up on age-differences when it comes to being contacted. My concern was coming more from the perspective of someone who’s 18,19,etc. who set their max-age to 25 or even 35, but still gets 41 year old me barging into their inbox (exaggeration mine), might not just potentially feel annoyed, but unsafe.

Also, @Babichev & @sillysassy — knowing that we don’t see who has added us to their favorites takes a bit of the anxiety out of my head on the matter. 🙂

As far as relatability is concerned, that’s very separate from what I was trying to communicate ( @xandriarain , @UCpaaHVg6u0 ). Right now I work two separate jobs, one with adolescents with special needs, and the other with adults with mental illnesses and substance abuse disorders— Adding to that, I used to teach pre-k. I’ve found relatability in all three of these environments, just in different ways. (I’ve long attributed the fact that I enjoyed teaching pre-K for 14 years to the fact that I am basically four years old in some ways 😅). So I do recognize the potential for different types of connection across different age groups.

sillysassy

@Travismo I feel the same way sometimes. I wish we would be able to know if it was a pro talking in the thread. Since we don't really have that option I figure I just say "Hi, just liked your forum comment" etc. Everyone is different though.

@bb_hippo hahahahaha oh my gosh.... LOVE the self awareness!!! I think a LOT of us have a four year old in there sometimes!!! Now I am CONVINCED we need a coffee!!!!! 🤣😁😂 (Thank you for your life's work btw... That is not an easy task)

I’ve found relatability in all three of these environments, just in different ways. (I’ve long attributed the fact that I enjoyed teaching pre-K for 14 years to the fact that I am basically four years old in some ways 😅). So I do recognize the potential for different types of connection across different age groups.

I do agree with you though.... The 18-20 year old might get a different vibe from an older man messaging than she might from an old lady like me messaging. 😊

Lev136

Age has nothing to do with how well you are going to mesh together. it's interests and if you have anything to talk about. I've cuddled women way younger than me who I am more in tune with than those closer to me. it can go both ways.

Mela_B

I don't have age preferences. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Gene2019

My age filter is set for 18-100. Although I am 66, I’ve had great sessions with cuddlers in their 20’s and 30’s.

UKGuy

I have seen quite a few profiles where the person has friends and/or karma from someone outside their stated age range. Some people seem to be more flexible about this than others.

SoftHairForDays

Age differences don't bother me at all. 😊

DaringSprinter

Age can make other things more or less likely.

For instance, since I grew up winding tape back into cassettes and VHS tapes, complaining about how easy it is to scratch CDs when the protective floppy disc technology is right there, hearing people wonder why they'd need another device taking up space in the kitchen (a microwave) when they already have a stove, etc... I'm more likely to be more culturally comfortable around people age fifty and up.

But that's just a likelihood! Chance is a shifting thing (depending as it does on what factors you consider in the equation), and if the 50+ year old is from a different country than the USA, or is one of those people who holds, uh, "traditional Christian values"... well, that alters the odds a bit.

Age can make other things more or less likely. But for the things I'm interested in (won't try to murder me, for instance), I don't see it as a factor that carries too much predictive power.